


CASE 0215

by Bonniebird17



Category: Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: Alternate Universe - Police, Angst, Characters Death, Drama, F/M, Flashbacks, Loss, Love, Modern AU, Murder, Serial Killers, Sex, Stalker, Thriller, Tragic Love Story, hopefully happy ending, nypd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-09
Updated: 2018-11-15
Packaged: 2019-06-07 18:39:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 95,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15225468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bonniebird17/pseuds/Bonniebird17
Summary: Detective James Fraser moved from Scotland to New York after his wife, Claire died. A woman is found dead in her apartment and with his new partner Jeremy Foster, he investigates who the killer is.But one day, he sees someone familiar, the woman’s resemblance to his dead wife is  remarkably.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: this is a angsty story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter had the fabulous @MClairefras as co-writer.

 

_**3 December**   _

_Who am I? Where am I? Why am I bleeding?_

I woke from my dream, sweating, panicking, her name on the tip of my tongue. _“Claire,”_ her name escaped my lips; my dead wife’s name. I hadn’t said her name out loud at least in over a year. I shut my eyes, savouring the last image of her from my dream. _Or was it a nightmare?_

Nothing could be worse than the nightmare I lived while I was awake. Claire is gone. My wife is dead.

Everything reminded me of her, the house I still lived in, our house. The hallways where I could hear the echo of her footsteps. It was suffocating me. I couldn’t breathe, for her memory surrounded me.

The first few days after she died, I managed to somehow destroy every single piece of furniture we owned. The dining table, where she always sat in the mornings and drank her coffee, eyes still tired from sleep. The antique and very expensive bookshelf she had insisted they needed; I’d broken that too.

I broke everything I could set my hands to, hoping that the pain I felt physically would overtake the pain I now felt in my heart.

There were just too many memories and what I needed was to get away from it all. My first thought was to burn down the house and all it’s belongings. But I couldn’t do that so instead I sold it and never looked back. It was horrible, leaving her behind like that but I needed to forget that she ever existed. It was easier that way.

I would rather live a life where she had never been mine, than face the fact that she was gone. I hadn’t even visited her grave since the funeral. Why would I go there? I had memorised the words on her tombstone, engraved on my heart:

_Claire Elizabeth Fraser, Died 2017. Forever lost at sea._

I was a detective, second generation of police officers in the Fraser family. I saw how my father caught the bad guys as a child and I wanted to be just like him, save the innocent -- but I couldn’t even save my own wife.

Everyone knew that I handled her death horribly. My sister, Jenny, even tried to convince me to move back home, to Lallybroch. But that was just one more place where the memories of Claire existed. I didn’t want that. I moved somewhere that she could never follow, America.

New York City Police Department, now my sole purpose in life. Burying myself into my job, I worked my ass off and made sure that by the end of the day when I came home that I was too tired to think of anything else… especially her. There was a distance between _anything_ and _anyone_ that had a connection back to Claire.

I was broken which only made me reckless. Since moving to America and starting with the NYPD, I’d been shot four times, nothing serious but I often wished the bullet would have killed me instead. But it never did, I was alive. A fact I dreaded.

My apartment in Queens was void of anything that would remind me of her, not even a picture of her existed in that place. My co-workers probably didn’t even know I’d once been married.

Laying in bed, my heart still racing from the dream, I opened my eyes slowly. 4:21am. Two hours left until my alarm would go off, certainly no point in trying to fall back asleep. Especially not if I would dream of her again.

No matter what I did however, the image of Claire didn’t disappear, all the panic was slowly creeping back in. _Black water, Claire, drowning._ Shaking my head to lose the dream, I went to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee.

It was early December but New York still wasn’t as cold as it would be in Scotland right now. If I wanted to, I could easily walk outside without wearing a jacket. My car on the street below was completely covered in snow, must remember to leave early to scrape that off.

I kept the lights off and sat down at my small kitchen table. The case I’d been working on was open, turned where I’d left it the day before. _Case 0215; Lisa Rollins, 22, afro american, found dead in her apartment. Eleven stab wounds in her back. No witnesses and her own neighbors hadn’t hear a sound coming from her apartment._

Jeremy Foster, my partner, was absolutely positive that it was Lisa’s boyfriend, David, who killed her because there were no signs of forced entry and the door remained locked. My gut feeling said otherwise, it was just too easy.

A couple hours later, I went down to my snow covered car. Claire’s image kept invading my mind which made it rather difficult to drive to work. _Not now, Christ_ , I needed to have a clear mind, stay sharp and focused on finding Lisa’s killer.

“Fraser.” Jeremy shouted from his desk.  
  
“Foster, why are ye here?” I asked, irritated. I had a reputation of having a bad attitude, with my tall figure, almost everyone was intimidated by me but not Jeremy. As much as I hated to admit it, I was happy to have Jeremy as my partner. Not that we ever really talked about personal stuff but he was one of the few who wasn’t afraid of me.

“Where should I be?” Jeremy asked, his eyebrows raised in question.  
  
“Home, in bed. Your doctor said that ye needed to stay in bed.” I sighed remembering the accident, Jeremy was just as reckless as I was sometimes. And he didn’t even have a dead wife.  
  
“I’m fine, come over here.” He motioned his hand for me to join him at his desk.  
  
“What am I looking at?” A piece of paper laid flat on his desk.  
  
“It’s a receipt, David’s alibi. He came in last night and gave it to me, said that he couldn’t have killed Lisa because he was having dinner with someone else at the time she was murdered.”

 _David Douglas, 25 years old, Caucasian. Works as a painter at a construction company. No criminal records._  
  
“And you believe him?”  
  
“Nah, but I thought we could check it out, show the staff a picture of him, ask if he was there and if they have surveillance tape from that night.”  
  
“Aye, we could do that.” Taking a look at the receipt I noticed it was almost the exact time Lisa was killed. _Coincidence or not?_

Jeremy offered to drive, I should have objected since he was still healing from the knife wound but I was relieved. If Jeremy wanted to play hero, that was his own problem, not mine. The fear of driving and hitting someone with the car because my mind was still reeling from images of Claire.

We arrived outside of a small Italian restaurant called Serafino. Jeremy needed to smoke first so we waited outside. I swear -- if the stab wound wouldn’t kill him, then the pack of cigarettes a day surely would. I grew agitated with every passing moment. Something caught my eye across the street, my mind was playing tricks, there was no possible way it was her. There was a woman walking, the resemblance to Claire was breathtaking.

Before I knew what I was doing, my legs were walking across the street, carrying me through traffic, I didn’t care, I needed to take a closer look. I ignored Jeremy’s shouts of confusion. She was stopped in front of a shop, staring at a window display of vases. I could only see her back but she was the same height as Claire, Christ, even her hair was the same unruly mass of curls. My hands began to shake as I approached her. _You’re losing it, Fraser._  
  
“Excuse me?” My throat tightened and it became difficult to swallow. “Claire?” I said her name, my heart almost breaking in two as I did. She didn’t react and that was almost a relief. I needed to see her face, to shake the feeling that it was her. My wife.

Reaching out, I touched the woman gently on the shoulder and she jumped. Her face was full of terror as she turned back to look at me and there was a scream coming from someone. It wasn’t her, _Ah Dhia_ … it was me.

The last thing I saw before I blacked out was the face of my wife.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was co-written with @whiskynottea and @@MClairefras. Thank you guys! ❤️

_**3 December** _

 

I was freezing and my head hurt like hell. Lying on the street, I felt like I had been run down by a train. A low buzzing sound was coming from afar, a voice. _Claire_ , I remembered. I saw her. That curly brown wig, that looked exactly as it did the first day I met her.

 

**_13 April - 2012_ **

 

_It was my first day as a police officer. At 23 years old, I’d just graduated from the police academy. We were sitting in the car, me and my partner/mentor David Beaton, when we got the 211A - robbery alarm._

 

_I was impulsive and reckless as usual, and my first reaction when we arrived to the gas station wasn’t to wait for backup. Instead, I walked inside alone. One of the robbers had a knife and the whole thing ended with my ego being more bruised than my arm. David kept scolding me all the way to the hospital._

 

_“Okay, this is the worst part.” The brunette nurse said calmly._

 

_“Aye. It’s fine just do it.” I answered a bit irritated. I was tired and I just wanted to go home._

 

_“How did this happen?” The nurse asked me and pointed down to my bloody arm. I could hear that the tone of her voice wasn’t cheerful._

 

_“I tried to stop a robbery.” I said, my eyes fixed on the floor. “I took down two men, but one of them had a knife.” I finally looked her, hoping that she would be impressed by my bravery. All to my disappointment, she looked quite the opposite. She shook her head and slid her delicate looking fingers into the sterile gloves._

 

 _I continued to look at her as she stitched me up. She was beautiful and her expression as she concentrated was adorable. Curious, my eyes wandered down and I read her name tag;_ **_Claire_ ** _._

 

_“Don’t move...”_

 

_“Oh, sorry.” I looked up again fast, feeling embarrassed. She had probably thought that I was looking at her cleavage. “So, am I going to survive?” I joked, my grumpy attitude and physical pain lessened in her presence._

 

_“Yes. But this isn’t funny, Mr Fraser. You were lucky this time.” Claire answered, irritated._

 

_“I know that, lass. I’m just kidding. Relax, aye? Dinna be so serious.”_

 

_“I would have fun, at home, if it wasn’t for stupid men like yourself getting injured. My shift actually ended 10 minutes ago, but I need to stay to fix this mess.”_

 

_I couldn’t help but smile.She was a feisty lass, my type of woman. Claire finished stitching me and sat on a chair next to me with a heavy sigh and bandages in hand. She was so close that I could smell her, a hint of the sterile hospital scent mixed with vanilla._

 

_“I’m sorry, Claire.” I said, and I meant it, my apology sincere. I didn’t want anyone to suffer for my sake._

 

_“It’s Nurse Beaucamp for you.” I could see the hint of a smile forming on her lips, but it disappeared as fast as it had appeared, then she looked at my arm again._

 

_Claire was quick, with a light touch and my arm didn’t hurt that badly. Not that it was a serious wound, but I was definitely impressed by this Sassenach._

 

_“So, I noticed that ye are English?” I asked, realizing that I wanted to know everything about her._

 

_“Mmhm..”_

 

_I let out a small sigh, thinking that she’d make me work for it. The more time I spent alone in that room with her, the more things I noticed about her. She wasn’t just beautiful, as I thought when I first laid eyes upon her; she was breathtaking. Claire, I repeated her name in my head, saying it in all different ways. Making it my own._

 

_“Done,” Claire announced, rising from her chair and throwing her gloves away in the bin. I didn’t move from my place. I didn’t want to go, not yet._

 

_“Thank you, nurse Beauchamp.”_

 

_“I hope I don’t have to see you here again, Mr Fraser.”_

 

_“But ye probably will...” I said, laughing. “And if I get myself hurt again in the future, I hope it will be you who will stitch me up again.”_

 

_Claire rolled her eyes, but I could see that hint of a smile again, forming on her lips again as she moved towards the door. She said a quick goodbye, and that she hoped I would recover fast, then left, leaving me alone in the room._

 

_That was the day I met my wife. But the stubborn lass didn’t agree to go on a date with me until weeks later._

 

-

 

My eyelids fluttered and I opened them slowly, unsure of what happened. Everything around me was blurry at first and I was confused when Jeremy’s face came into focus instead of Claire’s. I saw him kneeling down beside me, his voice loud in my ears “Jamie? Can you hear me?”

 

“Where is _Claire_?” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw few people staring, watching me.

 

“ _Where_ is she?” I heard my own voice becoming more desperate by the second. I needed to find her, I tried to get up but Jeremy held me down.

 

“Jamie, wait! You are not making any sense...”

 

“Get off me!” I moved my head and tried to searched the crowd for Claire, but she wasn’t there. “Where is she?” I screamed at Jeremy, and it almost sounded like I was blaming him for taking her away. Jeremy just stared at me, looking more and more confused with every passing minute.

 

“Who is Claire?”

 

“My wife!”

 

I pushed Jeremy away. The more I moved, the more dizzy I felt, but I ignored my body’s warnings and rose from the ground. Starting to sway, Jeremy gripped my arm so I couldn’t fall over. I must have looked like a mad man. _I probably was._

 

“Where did she go?” I whispered, realizing that she might not have been there at all. _Did I imagine it? Was that my brain, playing tricks?_ I knew that it couldn’t been her, but my mind couldn’t erase the fact that I did see her, or someone with a striking resemblance to her.

 

“I don’t know to whom you are referring to, but the woman you started screaming at walked away after I reassured her that you were going to be okay.” I looked towards the direction Jeremy pointed. “If this woman had known you, wouldn't she have stayed?”

 

I nodded, thinking that he was right. Of course it wasn’t her, she was dead.

 

We walked across the street as my audience slowly dissolved, leaving the store window where I thought I saw Claire, empty. We stopped next to our car, parked next to entrance.

 

“Maybe we should go to the emergency room?” Jeremy asked, concerned. “How’s your head?”

 

“It’s fine.” I answered disheartened. The walls I had built to keep me sane had been wrecked and I needed to rebuild them and fast. We had our job to do.

 

“Who are we going to talk to?” I asked him, changing the subject. I saw that he was still concerned about my health and he was probably wondering about the mysterious wife I had mentioned.

 

“The owner, Robert Giovanni.” I was relieved that he didn’t ask any questions.

 

We went inside the restaurant, Jeremy walked in front of me as looked around, focusing on the interior, memorizing it. No customers yet, they probably weren’t opening for another two hours or so. We walked further inside the restaurant.

 

“I am Detective Fraser and this is my partner Detective Foster.” I said to a blonde woman who stood behind the cashier. “We are looking for Mr Giovanni.”

 

“Ehm.. he’s not here.” The woman replied, nervous. I took out my notepad and asked for her name. “Jane,” she answered and I wrote it down.

 

“Is there anyone else we can talk to? We need to see your surveillance tape from last Friday, 30th of November.”

 

“Mr Giovanni’s son. I’ll call him for you.” Jane left and went through the doors behind her. We stayed and waited, silent save for the whirring of the fan above us. Slowly, I began to I feel like myself again.

 

I was Big Red. The nickname my old coworkers had given me back in Scotland a long time ago, that had become my alter ego. The man I needed to be to survive. Cold, focused, determined. Nobody could read on my face how I was feeling, because I didn’t feel a thing. The walls were up, Claire was still dead. I was back on track and I needed to find Lisa’s killer.

 

Lisa’s face was the only thing I was seeing. The victims never left my head until I had resolved their cases and given them justice. I wasn’t superstitious, neither believed in ghosts, but I had my faith, my beliefs. Victims could rest and be with God only when their killers paid for what they had done. I didn’t have a single cold case, I always found them.

 

The door that Jane had disappeared through opened again, and she came back with a tall man, in his mid-twenties, probably Italian. “Detectives, I heard you were looking for my father? I am Daniel Giovanni. How can I help you?”

 

 _Yes definitely Italian_ , I thought upon hearing his accent.

 

“Yes, we are investigating a homicide and we need to see your surveillance tapes from last Friday.” Jeremy said before I had the chance. I saw something in Daniels face, a hesitation, a second of worry before he regained his confident, rich boy attitude. “Of course,” he said and I looked over to Jeremy, knowing that he noticed the change too.

 

We had worked together for only six months but we’d developed this sense of understanding, we both knew when people tried to hide something. It was strange, a deep connection on the professional level, where we could read each other easily. We had each other’s backs, ready to sacrifice our lives for each other. On the personal level, however, we didn’t know anything more than was necessary.

 

Old me would probably have invited him over for dinner, introduced him to... No, the walls were clearly not strong enough. Images of Claire standing in the kitchen, trying to cook and laughing started to invade my mind. Soft music playing in the background as she tapped her bare feet on the cold tile.

 

“Fraser?” Jeremy elbowed me at the side, bringing me back to reality.

 

“What?” I asked, irritated.

 

“I have the tape.” I looked down on the red flash drive in his hand. “We can go.” He said and raised his eyebrows in question. _Focus Fraser,_ I thought and nodded to Jeremy.

 

Trailing after Jeremy, we left the restaurant and headed back to the car. During my temporary black out just a few minutes ago, Daniel must have said something and then gave Jeremy the flash drive, but I hadn’t heard it.

 

“What do you think of Daniel?” Jeremy asked me when we got into the car.

 

“Something was off with him, can’t really say what.”

 

“Did you see his face when I showed him David’s picture?” Jeremy asked. I was grateful that he was driving and couldn’t see the surprise on my face. I had missed that. I didn’t even remember that this had happened.

 

“No,” I admitted, frustrated that I had lost my focus.

 

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” Jeremy asked cautiously, aware of stepping into my personal territory.

 

He was my partner and there was no point in lying, but that didn’t mean I wanted to sing kumbaya and sit down a campfire to give him the full story. “I was married. She died a year ago. End of story.”

 

“And you thought that woman was her?”

 

“Aye.”

 

“Claire?” Jeremy said and my heart stopped. Hearing her name out loud was even worse than when I said it in my head. “That was her name?”

 

“It was.” I wanted this conversation to end. I needed to stop talking about her. “Are we going back to Lisa’s apartment?” I asked, already knowing that we were,I needed to change the subject, to make him understand that this wasn’t something I wanted to talk about.

 

My hands were clenched into fists, waiting for his  answer. My temper was still hard to control sometimes. When Claire died everyone, and my sister foremost, insisted that I should see a therapist. Talk about how I was feeling, deal with losing Claire. I didn’t.

 

Jeremy was smart enough to not ask more questions and we drove the last five minutes in silence.

 

We arrived at Lisa’s apartment, for the second time in the last two days. The forensics team had taken pictures and collected all evidence. Judging by the looks of the apartment, Lisa had been a spiritual woman. The first time I was there I noticed the crystals,the smudge sticks of white sage, and other spiritual things she had, and I memorized them so I could learn more about them. The best way to solve a crime was to learn everything available about the victim. To see if you can find a connection to the killer.

 

I read a lot of things in my research about the spiritual journey. Things that I didn’t believe, but Lisa clearly did, and that was what mattered.

 

This time I looked around, with a better knowledge about her things. Most of her crystals or stones were heeling ones. The Amazonite was used if your mind was polluted with toxic negativity and could restore your spirit to its most serene state, eliminating your worries. I held the stone in my hand, not quite knowing what to expect.  I didn’t know about Lisa, but holding it didn’t take away my worries.

 

_Why were you worried Lisa? Did you sense a bad presence? Was the killer someone you knew?_

 

I started thinking about the Palo Santo, the holy sticks of wood people used to cleanse their spirits. Her whole apartment was giving me the impression that she had a hard time in life. Struggling with something.

 

“Fraser!” Jeremy shouted from Lisa’s bedroom, interrupting me from my thoughts.

 

I put the teal blue Amazonite stone back on her kitchen table and started walking towards Lisa’s bedroom. Her bed was unmade, as it was the previous time I saw it, with just a pillow on it. Her nightstand had few books stacked on it, that I had already checked, finding two palmistry books and one spell book.

 

“What?” I asked and walked over to the window where Jeremy was standing.

 

“Now that we have a surveillance tape of David, he has his alibi. But I was thinking about this fire escape.” I watched out of the window, noticing that Jeremy had a point. The killer could easily climb into her apartment, kill her and climb out the same way.

 

“So you don’t think it’s David anymore?” I asked, still thinking about the possibility of a random man seeing his chance in a open window.

 

“My first thought was that it was crime of passion, jealous boyfriend.” Jeremy said.

 

“Hmm.. Yes. But now that we have an alibi for David, I believe the next thing to check is the streets. See if we can get something from that bank.” I said and pointed on the building across the street, it was a long shot, but if we were lucky, maybe the killer walked by the bank and the camera got him.

 

“Should I call anyone from the forensics? Tina? Have her check it out now?” Jeremy asked, casually.

 

“Yeah and tell her that we will be at the station in twenty minutes.” Jeremy nodded, took out his phone from his back pocket and walked to the living room to take his call.

 

Tina Knight, prior to her recruitment, she was a hacker mentored by the infamous and still not found, John Grey. Tina would hack into companies and other businesses whom she felt were engaged in criminal activities, and attracted the attention of the NYPD, becoming their youngest forensic. It wasn’t hard to recognize her. She walked down the halls like she owned the place, always wearing headphones with the music at the highest volume. I didn’t have a problem with her and she was probably one of the few who found out that I had been married and my wife was dead. She never said it, but I could see in her eyes that she felt sorry for me.

 

Jeremy was always the one offering to call her. It wasn’t difficult to see that he was into her. Jeremy didn’t look like the guy who would be into the tattoos-all-over-her-body kind of woman, but who was I to question that.

 

“Don’t take this the wrong way.” Jeremy said, nervously. We had just left Lisa’s apartment and gotten into the car.

 

“What?”

 

“I think you should go home.” I looked at him, silent. “You hit your head, man, just go home. Have some rest.” He continued and I just stared at him, feeling provoked. I almost wanted to hit him. _Who the hell did he think he was, to tell me to go home?_

 

“You have never been that distracted.” Jeremy talked again, his eyes fixed on the road. “Just go home and I’ll call you if I find anything on the surveillance tape from Serafino.” He pausen, waited for me to respond.

 

“As your partner, it’s my job to have your back, Fraser. After the episode in front of the restaurant, you’re having a hard day.” Jeremy just kept on talking, my hand once again clenched into a fist at the memory of Claire, in front of that shop. I stopped listening, my mind wandering again to Claire.

 

 _Fuck, I was distracted and Jeremy was right._ I didn’t even question him when I noticed that he was driving towards Queens. He was driving me home _._

 

I slammed the car door after I got out. I wasn’t mad at Jeremy, he was only trying to help. I was angry at myself.

 

There wasn’t anything to do when I went back home except to work. I had the case files on my table. The picture of Lisa was staring at me. She was beautiful.  Her dark curly hair was pinned up in a bun and her green eyes stared at me, pleading to find her killer. I ran my finger over the picture, still questioning the motives behind the crime. _Passion? Hate? Did the killer know her or not?_

 

After spending hours of going over the evidence again, I realized that my head still hurt. _Damn it_ , I could hear Claire’s voice, telling me that I might had a concussion. She always said that with her strict doctor voice, when I came home from work with an injured head.

 

My thoughts went back to the woman I saw today. Had I suppressed Claire’s image so much that I had forgotten how she looked like? That woman looked so much like Claire. I didn’t have any pictures at home, but I know Jenny saved a few that I didn’t want. I grabbed my phone, and after checking if I had any call from Jeremy, I decided to call Jenny. Maybe she could send me some pictures of Claire.

 

\--

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

_**3 December** _

 

I put my phone down on the table after I talked to Jenny. Our phone call wasn't that long, but it was hard to talk to her. Big red has overtaken my personality, I am not the same man that I was when Claire was alive and Jenny probably noticed that. I love Jenny, I do, but talking to her, hearing about all the things I have missed since I moved to New York only brought me more pain.

 

But I was relieved when she said that she had saved the pictures on Claire I had left behind, but now I’m scared. Jenny probably thought that this meant that I was finally processing Claire’s death, that I was finally accepting it. I could hear it in her voice, it was filled with hope.

 

I couldn’t say to Jenny that I needed them them to see what Claire looked like, that I wanted to compare it, if she could have been the woman I saw today, it would sound mad. _Maybe I am?_

 

Sitting at my small dinner table, waiting, my mind was clouded and filled with doubts. Jenny was going to email me, any second now. My fingers nervously tapped on the table, my heart was beating faster by the minute. I haven’t seen Claire's face in months. _This is a bad idea, she is dead. You don’t need to do this. Drop this._

 

How much I had tried to forget her, she always was there, deep inside of me and even though I didn’t want her there, she was. It is impossible to erase the love of your life.

 

My phone vibrated and the screen lit up. My head kept saying that it was a bad idea, seeing her would only bring me pain. But I couldn’t ignore my heart, I was craving to see her. My hands started shaking as I reached out to grab my phone. Jenny’s email address staring back at me. _1 unread email,_ I took a deep breath and opened it.

 

I gasped at the first sight of Claire. It didn’t take long for me to see where and when the picture was taken. I should know, I was the one who took it, it was a picture from our first date.

 

**_15 May - 2012_ **

 

_I had asked Claire out on a date casually when we “accidentally” ran into each other in a bookstore in Edinburgh. I was on my way home from work when I saw her from across the street, she was entering the store. It maybe was foolish of me, but I pretended I didn’t know that she was in there._

 

_I was holding a book, a random book I had grabbed without looking. I was pretending to read it and was staring, intensely, at the text, not the actual content, when Claire approached me._

 

_“Mr Fraser,” Claire said low. I looked up from the book book with a terrible poker face, I should have looked more surprised. Claire looked even better without her scrubs, her hair was up in a ponytail, her curls, were hanging perfectly from it. She was holding two books._

 

_“Nurse Beauchamp, nice to see you here,” I said casually. I closed my book and leaned against the bookshelf._

 

_Claire glanced down at the cover of the book I was holding and she started to smile, then she broke and started laughing. I couldn’t understand why, my first thought was that it was because we had this formal joke going on,, it wasn’t, I should have put more notice in the book I had chosen._

 

_The random book I had grabbed was actually a self-help book, the title said it all; My first period and what to do._

 

_My face was beaming red, the embarrassment overtook my brain and I couldn’t think of what to say next._

 

_“I’m sorry James.” Hearing her use my first name for the first time felt positive. “I shouldn’t have laughed.” Claire said, still smiling._

 

_“Ach, no worries.” I decided to tell her the truth. “Honestly, I saw ye walk in here and I just grabbed this book to pretend that I was reading.”_

 

_“So what was the plan then?” She asked, curiously. Claire narrowed her eyes, looking at me. I couldn’t tell what she was thinking._

 

_“Plan?” I said, confused. I didn’t have a plan, I just hoped she didn’t though I was a stalker._

 

_“Yeah. You said you saw me, followed me and pretended you didn’t know I was in here. What is the plan now when you finally got the pleasure of my attention?”_

 

_“Ehm. I dinna ken.” I felt even more stupid “I just wanted to talk to ye.”_

 

_“Well then, mission accomplished. We are talking.”_

 

_“Yeah.” I felt nervous, I never felt this nervous around a woman._

 

_“But if you only wanted to talk, now we have. It was nice seeing you again, I hope your arm is healing.” Claire said, she was about to leave and I panicked._

 

_“Wait!” Claire stopped walking “I would very much like if we could see each other again? On purpose.” I added. My hands were sweating._

 

_“Like a date? Or should I just tell you where I am going to be later so you can stalk me again?” Claire said, her voice was firm like it had been when she stitched me up, but her face told me she was joking._

 

_“A date,” I said, relieved that she didn’t dismiss the idea altogether._

 

_“Well I’m a busy woman, there are more reckless men out there that keeps getting hurt.” She smiled and I thought back to the day we met and she called me an idiot. “But I am free tonight.” She added._

 

_“Nurse Beauchamp, I would love to take you out  tonight,8 o'clock?” I asked, sounding like a real gentleman and did this awkward bow, I don’t know why I did that but she laughed and it was all that mattered._

 

_”You have earned the right, please, call me Claire.”_

 

_”Claire” I had already made it my own and now I just needed to get her. Make her mine._

 

_She gave me her number and I said I was going to call her later. When Claire left, I couldn’t stop looking at her. I stayed by the bookshelf and watched her leave._

 

_-_

 

I want to die, I can literally feel my body shutting down, slowly suffocating me, This was a bad idea, no, this was a insane idea. _What did I expect? That looking at these pictures was going to prove anything?_

 

I am just reliving it all over again. _pain, panic, grief, heartbreak_ but most of all, anger.

 

Claire’s face, staring at me, yet I couldn’t bring myself to stop, _I miss you so much._

 

The anger I felt when she died had increased. What have I done to deserve this? I haven’t let myself to feel anything and now I just felt everything at once. _How do I make this stop, will it ever stop?_ I have opened Pandora’s box and it is horrifying. Flashback after flashback started streaming through my head.

 

Our first date, when I took her to the bowling alley.

 

**_15 May 2012_ **

 

_It was a regular Tuesday, I hadn’t expected to run into her in the first place, nevertheless ask her out on a date. After our encounter in the bookstore I went home, so excited that she had agreed to go out with me, but then it hit me, I had no reservations, no plan whatsoever._

 

_I’m not the romantic, candlelights and fancy restaurant kind of guy. I usually brought the girls I had dated in the past to my uncle's restaurant. My uncle Dougal’s owns a restaurant called Leoch, it is a steakhouse. The place is filled with animals on the walls, he had killed them himself, they are hanging in each corner of the restaurant. Their food is good, I like it, but it definitely wasn’t the perfect location for a first date. I only went there myself because I’m young, my salary as a policeman isn’t that good and I always ate for free, but Claire wasn’t just anyone. I wanted to take her somewhere else._

 

_I was intrigued by her, I wanted to get to know her, not just have a one night stand and then never call her again. I wanted to know what made her laugh, how old she was when she moved to Scotland and how she knew she wanted to become a nurse. Everything._

 

_I took my chances and took her to the arcade, bowling seemed like a fun way to have a casual date._

 

_“Just so you know,, I won the state-championship, two times in a row with my bowling team back in London”, Claire said cocky, standing ready to throw her last ball._

 

_I was shocked by her revelation, but maybe not that much. She had been incredible since we started. I never had a chance. This just explain it._

 

_Claire turned around and I saw that she had the biggest smile on her face. She took one small step, she slung her arm backwards and threw the ball forward._

 

_I watched it as it rolled down, she had a wicked curb ball going on there and it rolled straight into the bowling pins, knocking every single one of them out of the way, again. This was her fifth strike in a row. Beginners luck my ass, I thought and watched the scoreboard, she had way more points than I had. She was definitely winning._

 

_“So when I suggested that we should go here ye lied? You said that you weren’t that good” I said, feeling extremely tricked and amused at the same time. I couldn’t wait to know more what hidden talents she possessed._

 

_“Oh no I didn’t lie, my friend Mary was way better than I am.” Claire winked and sat down next me. “Your turn officer Fraser.”_

 

_I chose a yellow bowling ball, it had a big, red rose inside it. I gave it a kiss for good luck. I knew she was going to win but I hoped I could at least get one strike._

 

_“Do you want the special bowling ramp made for kids?” Claire couldn’t stop laughing. I turned around, looked at her and smiled._

 

_It was refreshing to be here with her, doing stuff I actually like to do, instead of pretending, that I was interested in the things my other dates had talked about. This night was perfect. Claire was funny, smart and god, the jeans she wore almost looked like they were painted on her, they fitted her perfectly. I tried to be a gentleman but no, when she stood in front of me and it was her turn, I couldn’t stop looking at her ass._

 

_I threw the ball, fuck, it was a bad throw. I leaned to the right, hoping the ball would do the same. But my ball just rolled even more to the left. Miss, in the gutter. It didn’t even touch the pins._

 

_“Nurse Beauchamp..” I walked over to her, feeling defeated. “have in mind that my arm is still injured, I could have been better...” I tried to look hurt, but I was happy to lose to her, anytime._

 

_“I want to remember this.” Claire handed me her phone “take a picture of me with the scoreboard.”_

 

_I got up from my chair, took two steps back and Claire smiled for me, the image was already imprinted in my head._

 

_“I think we can find something you are good at, on our next date?” Claire said, her voice was softer. Was she nervous?_

 

_Claire grabbed her beer and took a big sip. Not really daring to look me in the eyes. She is definitely nervous._

 

_“I mean I wouldn’t mind if we did something you like.” This had to mean she wanted another date. My heart was racing, one more date with Claire._

 

_“Okay, then I’ll decide where we go the next time.” She said, suddenly shy._

 

_God, you are beautiful, I thought. I could just watch her for hours._

 

_“I hate to say it, but it’s late,” Claire said, looking as disappointed as I did when she said it. But she was right it was after midnight, we both had work tomorrow._

 

_We walked out of the arcade. The streets were empty, it was only me and her. We walked slowly, neither one of us wanted the night to end._

 

_Claire’s hand brushed against mine. The first time I thought it was accidental, but by the third time I got the memo and I took her hand in mine. Our fingers intervene, her hand was cold but with my warm hand, we became the perfect temperature._

 

_“This is me.” We stood outside her apartment. The street lights made the perfect setting, the full moon above us, everything was perfect. This night had been perfect._

 

_“Thank you for tonight Claire.” I still held her hand, my thumb brushed her knuckles lightly, touching her made me somehow braver. I took a deep breath “I would very much like to kiss ye.”_

 

_Claire smiled and closed the gap between us. I placed my free hand on her cheek. The anticipation, my breathing felt heavier, she squeezed my hand._

 

_I leaned down and our lips met._

 

_-_

 

I started hyperventilating, my heart was aching, _why did I do this?_ I stared at the picture. My hand reach out to touch my lips, I could almost feel the ghost of the touch from our first kiss. I remembered she tasted sweet, her breath had a hint of the beer she had been drinking that night.

 

My eyes were burning, any minute now. The first tear ran slowly down my face and then I broke all together. This was the first time I cried since she died. I let the tears fall, I didn’t even bother to wipe them away.

 

I couldn’t bring myself to swipe for more pictures. The one on Claire in the arcade was enough. I took a deep breath and tried to calm down. Remind myself why I did this.

 

_Focus. breathe._

 

I looked one more time, zoomed in on her face. I know it was impossible, but it was the same face I saw earlier today. I am sure, identical.

 

I started pacing, back and forth in my kitchen, still holding my phone. All kinds of irrational thoughts was going through my mind. _Is she alive?_

 

My phone started ringing, interrupted my thoughts.

 

“Fraser. I’m picking you up.” It was Jeremy calling.

“They have found a man, not far from Lisa’s apartment , stabbed to death.”

 

“Do you think it’s the same killer?” I asked. I was already walking down the stairs.

 

“Yes. I’ll be in Queens in 5 minutes.”

 

When we arrived to the crime scene, there was people everywhere, civilians who stood behind the yellow line, curiously watching. Policemen, forensics, my coworkers. Taking pictures, collecting evidence. They were all waiting for me.

 

My colleague Darian Hawkins, was trying, very politely to make the civilians leave. I wasn’t in the mood to be polite.

 

“Get the fuck out of here.” I screamed to a man, holding a camera. He was filming and taking pictures of the dead man behind me. Probably a journalist. Hadn’t it been for Jeremy, I would probably have taken his fucking camera and smashed it into the wall. It wasn’t very professional of me but after the day I was having, patient wasn’t an option. The journalist and the crowd left and we walked over to the body.

 

“Who is he?” I asked Jeremy.

 

“Stefan Fass, 27, construction worker, he worked just a block away.” Jeremy brief me.

 

“No witness?” I got down on my knees, taking a closer look. The victim was white, male, his head was shaved and he had a big beard. The total opposite to Lisa.

 

“No. But I’m pretty sure it’s the same man that killed Lisa.” Jeremy said, but not convincing enough.

 

“Why” I asked. Jeremy is younger than me, he didn’t have as much experience as I have, I liked to question him, make him take the lead on our cases to learn.

 

“Here.” Jeremy pointed to Stefan’s back “He has been stabbed exactly in the same place where Lisa was.”

 

“Can be a coincidence.” I said, stern. But I already agreed, this was probably the same killer, I just needed him to be more confident.

 

“Yeah. But what are the odds? Just a few blocks away from Lisa’s apartment, 11 stab wounds.”

 

“So you think this is a serial killer? That killing Lisa made him brave enough to take down a full grown man down?” I question.

 

Jeremy stood tall, looked directly into my eyes. “Yes.” he was absolutely sure.

 

Stefan’s blood had colored the snow red, leaving a trail of footsteps. We just needed to follow it.

 

I pushed away all the emotions I had experienced today, my sanity slowly restoring, Claire is dead, we have a killer to catch.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	4. Chapter 4

Jeremy Foster is twenty-four years old, born and raised in England, Manchester. He was that kid everyone made fun of in school, smart and skinny as a toothpick. With his  braces and glasses, he was the typical stereotype, people referred to as a nerd. 

 

It wasn’t bad all the time.Some days were better and he did have some friends that tried to protect him, but the bullies always seemed to win. 

 

With the years, Jeremy grew to a teenager taller than the average guys in his class, his skinny arms transformed into muscles, but that wasn’t enough for the bullies to make his life hell. 

 

He never had the courage to fight back, to defend himself. His self esteem was at rock bottom.

 

Jeremy knew from a early age that he wanted to travel around the world. He wanted to experience something new, become someone great. He wanted to leave the bad memories behind, leave the people that had hurt him and move somewhere where people didn’t know him. Start over. 

 

When Jeremy was twenty years old, he packed a bag and he decided to leave England, starting the adventure he had dreamed about. He moved to the sunny Los Angeles.

 

The first few weeks didn’t go as he had expected. He almost gave up and considered to move back home when no one wanted to hire the young British man that had no real experience. 

 

But one day, came the best day of his life. Jeremy was wandering around in a mall, searching for a good place to eat lunch when a man ran into him. Maybe it was fate, that the man that ran into him was a shoplifter. Jeremy’s first reaction when he saw the man on floor, holding a knife and jewellery scattered all around on the floor, was to kick the knife away and wrestle down the man who tried to escape. The adrenaline, the rush and the power he felt that day was what changed him.

 

His bravery earned him a job in that very same mall, Westfield Century City, in Santa Monica. He started working as an security guard. It wasn’t really the adventure he had expected, but it was the job that made him realize that he wanted to be a cop. 

 

The police academy was hard, but he was determined. He trained both physically and mentally and he grew into the man he had always wanted to be. 

 

LA was the first stop before he moved to New York and started working at NYPD. 

 

The first time Jeremy met his partner, James Fraser, was awful. His new colleagues had told him horrible stories about him. With time he realized that they are simply rumours, because everbody was scared of him, claiming that James was violent. Some had even said that he behaved like a ghost, standing right next to you when you least expected him. 

 

Big Red, that was what they had called him, showed up one day at NYPD. No one knew who he was, except that his accent gave away where he was from .Scotland. Jeremy wasn’t surprised that they were paired up as partners, They were both outlanders, European. But honestly, no one wanted to work with him.

 

**_Six months ago._ **

 

“Detective Fraser. This is your new partner, Jeremy Foster.” The Chief of Department, Martin Lang said. 

 

Jeremy stretched his arm out, ready to introduce himself to his new partner, aware of the rumors he had heard. Fraser stood up, towering over him.

 

Fraser definitely matched his nickname, six-foot four-inch tall and his long, red hair was the missing piece that made him understand why he was called Big Red. Based on what he had heard about his unpleasant personality, Jeremy wasn’t surprised that Fraser didn’t even bother to take his hand in return, instead he got a small nod in acknowledgment. 

 

Jeremy sat down by his desk, right next to Fraser’s . It wasn’t much to the world, but it was his.. It was his first day, and Jeremy was excited, pumped, ready to catch the bad guys, but to his disappointment, all he got to do was paperwork,never leaving the building. Fraser sat quietly at his own desk, never talking unless necessary. 

 

Jeremy tried to watch him, read him and form his own opinion. Fraser definitely had a stone face but Jeremy could see something in his eyes, reflecting something he had experienced himself. Pain. 

 

Day by day, they talked a little more. It wasn’t anything special but it was progress. What really made them partners was when they had a incident with a case they had been working on. Guns were shooting, Fraser got right in the middle of it and Jeremy jumped in, pushing Fraser out of the away. 

 

Fraser maybe never was in real danger, but Jeremy earned respect for his selfless actions. After that day Fraser soften, not much, but enough for them get to know each other. 

  
  


Yesterday was the strangest day since they became partners. When Fraser past out on the street, Jeremy was scared for the first time. It only got worse when he woke up. James never behaved like this, he was irrational and sounded almost crazy. 

 

At first when James told him about his wife, Claire, Jeremy started to question his mental health.  _ How could he see his dead wife, was it posttraumatic stress?  Should he tell someone? Mr Lane? _ No, but he was going to watch him, carefully, find out who that woman was and prove to him, that his wife was dead. Maybe that would help him move on. 

 

Jeremy would protect James with his own life if necessary, he truly was the greatest man Jeremy had ever met.

 

After Jeremy had driven Fraser home yesterday, he drove straight back to their office. He gave Tina Knight, the forensics, the flash drive they had revived by from the restaurant Sarafino. He needed her to watch the surveillance first and check if someone had tampered with it. 

 

“Was it something else?” Tina asked Jeremy, he had been lingering by her desk, unsure how to ask her without sounding completely mad.

 

“I was wondering if you could do a face recognition?” He said low, looking discreetly around him to make sure that no one was listening.

 

“Sure. Who am I looking for?” Tina answered, fingers already on the keyboard, waiting.

 

”Claire Fraser.”

 

-

  
  


The bloody footsteps was a dead end, there were to many footprints out on the street, it was impossible to follow. This time we weren’t as lucky to have a bank laying nearby, no surveillance, no witnesses.

 

**_4 December_ **

I went over the pictures over and over again, trying to find something that could help us.

 

**Picture 1** :  _ The alley in Brooklyn where Stefan was found. _ It was empty, nothing there except a black door, leading to an abandoned warehouse. The ground was completely cover with snow except for the bloody mess around his body, it had spread at least a meter away from Stefan’s body, surrounding him. 

 

I looked into the warehouse yesterday, it had been a old nightclub a few years ago, now closed, no explanation why but its was still own by a Geillis Duncan.  _ Scottish lass.  _

 

**Picture 2** :  _ Closeups on Stefan’s face.  _ His blue eyes wide open. 

 

_ Who did you see?  _ I need to see if there is a personal connection to Lisa, rule out if the killer is the same one or if this just was a bad robbery attempt. 

 

 **Picture 3** : _Bloody footprint._ Winter Boots, Definitely male, size 12.

 

Timberlands print?  _ Need to check that out. _

  
  


**_Picture 4_ ** :  _ Closeup Stefan’s back.  _ Blood stains all over his yellow jacket. 

 

The autopsy wasn’t done yet, but 11 stab wounds were confirmed for the corner. Just like Lisa. 

 

_ Coincidence or not, the killer seems afraid, stab someone in the back is cowardly. I truly hope we find him before he gets braver. _ I thought, my eyes was trying to stay focused but fatigue was starting to take over. Yesterday had been a extremely long day. I slept badly, no nightmares, but I only slept about four hours.

 

I grabbed my phone,  _ 07:26 _ , just a few hours until me and Jeremy was going to see Miss Geillis Duncan, I was intrigued formost that she was originated from Scotland. Geillis is 48 years old, eighteen years older than me and she was actually raised nearby Lallybroch. Maybe we have meet before.

 

_ Need more coffee,  _ I grabbed my mug and left my desk. I walked into our kitchen, feeling absolutely exhausted. I didn’t matter how much coffee I drank, I felt drained, no energy and I knew exactly why.  _ Claire _ , she never left my mind. I tried to keep her away but my brain could stop thinking about her, different scenarios. 

 

“Fraser!” Martin Lang, The Chief of Department walked into the kitchen and interrupted my thoughts.

 

“Chief.” I answered shortly, not in the mood for small talk and continued to pour more coffee into my mug.

 

“I just had a interesting phone call...” Martin said. He stopped next me. I didn’t bother to look at him. “There was a woman, wondering how Detective Fraser was feeling today.” That got my attention.

 

“What woman? Who is she?” I tried to sound calm but my heart was raising, was it the same woman from yesterday.  _ Claire?  _ I turned around and looked at him, eyes wide, hoping.

 

“It was a reporter, Alicia Brown, she claimed that you assaulted her colleague yesterday down in Brooklyn.” I rolled my eyes,  _ I never touched that bastard. Wish I had broken his camera. _

 

“I didn’t assault anyone. He was overstepping, taking pictures of the victim.” I sighed, grabbed my mug and took a sip, the coffee tasted decaf. 

 

“You are the one who are overstepping Fraser, your temper has been a problem before and I don’t want to hear one more complaint against you.” Martin warned me. I already have one warning, two more and I’ll get suspended.

 

“Yes sir.” I answered sarcastic, my hand saluting, knowing that arguinging with the chief wasn’t the smartest, but he hate when I do that. 

 

“Good. I want a full report on my desk by tomorrow.” Martin said and looked down on his watch and started moving slowly toward to door.

 

“What report?” I asked confused. None of my Cases was near done.

 

“Case 1228” That was Stefan Fass Case. “It is obvious that this was a robbery that went bad.” Martin stated.

 

“I am  _ positive _ that this case is connected with Case 824, Lisa Rollins.”

 

“I said, I want a full report by tomorrow Fraser. Case closed.”

 

“Are ye serious? I haven’t even started with that case? I need to find out who killed Mr Fass.” I said irritated, almost shouting at him.

 

“Your conspiracy theories about a potential serial killer...” He was mocking me.“The evidence isn’t strong enough, use your time in something more…” Martin paused, staring down on my mug. I was holding on to it so hard I was afraid it was going to break. “...Productive.”

 

“So Stefan’s killer are just to going to be free to kill again?” Run around Brooklyn, just stabbing people?” 

 

”Did I say that?” Martin raised his voice “I said I want a full report tomorrow, that includes the name of the killer. This is a easy case Fraser, you shouldn’t have a problem in finding him, I just want you to drop the serial killer theories. Are we clear?”

 

“Aye.” I walked past Martin, leaving my coffee mug on the counter, everything tasted foul in my mouth, even the chief of the department.  _ Martin has never questioned me or how I do my work before.  _ I thought, irritated that he used his authority to shut my case down. 

 

_ I have 24 hours to prove that this is the same killer. _

 

“Foster.” I shouted, walking towards the elevator “Let’s go.”

 

Jeremy was fast on his feet, grabbed his jacked and followed me. We walked down the long hall, the blue walls , “the hall of fame” , covered with police officers name, the ones that had died in service.

 

“Have ye watched the security tape from Sarafino?” I asked and pressed the button.  _ We don’t have much time, _ I thought, feeling stressed,the elevator was too slow.

 

“I did.” Jeremy answered quickly. I waited for him to tell me more.

 

“And? I asked when he didn’t say anything, getting more irritated by the minute.  _ Are everyone around me idiots?  _

 

_ “ _ David’s albi is cleared. Lisa was killed around 18.49 - 19.00  and that exact time David sat with the restaurant owners son, Daniel, and they were having dinner.”

 

“Why haven’t I heard this earlier? I didn’t know that they knew each other..” I don’t like to miss details, especially not a detail like this. Jeremy was never this sloppy.

 

“I just thought..” Jeremy started nervously “You had a rough day yesterday and I just..” 

 

“You just  _ thought _ I don’t need to hear every single detail in this case..” I interrupted him. “Every  _ fucking _ day is a “rough” day.” I screamed, we were standing in the elevator and Jeremy lost his words. He knew exactly what I was referring to. Every day is a struggle, Claire is dead, nothing is gonna be easier, never.

 

“We have  _ 24 hours,  _ to prove to the chief that this is the same killer Foster. I need ye to tell me everything.” I said. But somewhere inside, I knew that I actually hadn’t asked him about the tape. My mind had been clouded with thoughts of Claire that I had neglected my work. It was partly my own fault, but Jeremy should have told me.

 

I looked at him, Jeremy seemed distracted, he was hiding something. I was about to ask what was troubling him when the elevator doors opened and Jeremy rushed out.

 

I stepped out of the elevator and we walked towards our car, it was parked at the far end, definitely the worst parking space. The silence between us just enhanced our footsteps, echoing, throughout the garage. I wanted to know what Jeremy was thinking, he never was this quiet. I looked at him, he looked doleful, almost sad.

 

Jeremy blinked, “What?” He said when he caught me looking at him. 

 

“I was wondering that myself. What is it with you?” I asked, not feeling upset anymore but concerned. Jeremy is used to my bad temper and attitude, he always laughed it off moments after, but not today.

 

“Nothing.” He answered, tense, he crossed his arms and avoided eye contact.  _ He is definitely hiding something. “  _

 

I let Jeremy drive today again, I figure it was easier to question him, see his face instead of focusing on driving. We were going to see Geillis Duncan, she was currently living in Manhattan. 

 

“What are ye not telling me?” I asked Jeremy. 

 

“What do you mean?” He answered, trying to sound innocent. No longer looking sad but mischievous. 

 

“I know ye are hiding something.” I tried to stare him down, intimidate him into answering honestly.

 

“Naah, it’s nothing. I’m just upset that we couldn’t get any footage from the bank.” He said and I wanted to throttle him.

 

“Now I know that it is something going on. Why the hell didn’t you tell me that either? Are you fucking kidding me?” My face red with anger, my hands clenched and my eyes felt like they were going to jump out of my eye bolts.

 

I let him handle the case alone for a few hours yesterday and he missed to tell me this too, I am never listening to him again when he says I need to go home and rest. 

 

Jeremy was feeling trapped, how had he missed telling Fraser about this, Tina said yesterday that the banks camera wasn’t working.  _ I was busy searching for your dead wife,  _ Jeremy thought. He was seriously considering in telling James what he was up to, but fear overtook, Fraser was going to kill him if he knew. 

 

“I am sorry. I was going to tell you, then Stefan died and I just forgot.” Jeremy said, he decided to not tell him about Claire.

 

“Forgot..” I repeated,  _ idiot. “ _ So we have nothing?”

 

“I’m afraid so.” Jeremy answered fast, he could see how angry Jamie was. 

 

“Okey.” I sighed,“So we have two dead people, both stabbed eleven times. David has an alibi. What is the next step?” I asked Jeremy, but also myself. From now on, I am going to double check the evidence myself, i can’t afford any more mistakes. 

 

“Let’s talk to Miss Duncan first,  _ then _ we worry about the next step.” 

 

**08.42**

We arrived outside of Geillis Duncan’s apartment, 1214 Fifth Avenue. It was getting colder outside, the snow was laying on the ground, covering the trees. Soon enough the streets will be covered with Christmas decorations. It wasn’t Scotland, but it was finally starting to feel like home. 

 

We walked through the lobby, marmor floors, chandeliers hanging from the ceiling,  it was bigger than our department.  _ Rich lass, _ I thought and we talked into the elevator.  _ Fifth floor. _

 

I knocked on the door and took a step back. We heard voices coming from inside the apartment, it sounded like they were arguing. I knocked again. Seconds later the door opened,  _ Geillis Duncan _ , I knew it straight away based on the picture I found yesterday, but she was more attractive in real life. 

 

I haven’t looked at another woman since I met Claire. My brain was sending alarming signals.  _ You are here to ask her question.  _ I reminded myself.

 

“Miss Geillis, we talked on the phone earlier, I am Jeremy Foster and this is my partner Detective James Fraser.” 

 

“Oh Yes, come on in.” Geillis said cheerfully, she scanned me head to toe before she walked inside again. 

 

We walked into her living room and I looked around, a grey sofa next to a fireplace, framed pictures standing on the mantel above it. From what I could see, it seemed to be a 3 room apartment, expensive furnitures, nothing on the walls, not a single painting. I walked closer to the windows. The view was incredible, you could see Central Park from her windows.  _ Where is the person she was talking to?  _ I thought when I couldn’t see anyone else.

 

“Ye never said  _ why _ ye wanted to talk to me.” 

 

“We are in the middle of a homicide investigation.” I said and waited for her reaction, she didn’t flinch.” A man was murdered outside of your warehouse.” She still didn’t react.

 

“Okey. So what do you want to know?” Gillis asked and sat down on her sofa.  _ She doesn’t seemed surprised?  _

 

“Do ye know who this is?” I asked and took out a photo of Stefan Fass. Geillis took the picture, she looked at it intensely and shook her head. 

 

“No. Sorry.” Geillis gave the picture back and our fingers brushed against each other. It wasn’t a good feeling I felt when we touched, the opposite really and I was fast to move my hand away. Geillis gave me a seductive smile and she seemed unattractive all of the sudden.

 

“Is there someone else here?” I asked and looked towards the closed door behind Jeremy, he noticed that and turned to see where I was looking.

 

“No.” Geillis smile disappeared. “Just me.”

 

“We heard voices.” Jeremy stated, he used his professional police voice. He started moving slowly towards the closed door. 

 

“I am sorry gentlemen, but I want you to leave now. You can come back when ye have a warrant.” Geillis said, she wasn’t as cheerful anymore.

 

_ Who are you hiding in there?  _ I thought and took one last look at the mantel behind Geillis, I tried to memorized the pictures. A house,  _ looks like Scotland _ . A old man,  _ Maybe a boyfriend? Maybe the man in the room.  _

 

**09.10**

 

Jeremy and I sat in the car, still parked outside of Geillis apartment. Geillis had almost pushed us out and then slammed the door behind us.

 

“Should we get a warrant?” Jeremy asked. He had a bad feeling about Miss Duncan.

 

“Yes.” I answered, my mind was raising with different thoughts, the house I saw on the mantel looked familiar.

 

“Who do you think was in there?” Jeremy asked as he started the car.

 

“No idea, whoever it was, she didn’t want us to know.” I put on my seatbelt and we started driving away from Manhattan. 

 

I looked out the window, looking at the people who was on their way to their jobs, some was probably going home from a late shift, different ethnicities, genders, ages and I couldn’t stop hoping I would see her again,  _ Claire _ .  I know I’m probably on the verge of becoming insane but I can’t let it go. 

 

Every time I saw a brunette woman I was holding my breath, until I could see their faces,  _ Not her. _ One year, it had been one year since she died.  _ Why can’t I accept that she is gone?  _ I am torturing myself. 

 

We stopped at a red light, just a few blocks away from the station. My eyes was still searching for someone that I know deep down is gone. The light turned green and we started driving. 

 

“STOP!” I screamed. It was that woman again, I can’t see her face, but that curly brown hair,  _ Mo nighean doon.  _ She was walking down the street, further and further away from me, she wore a black coat and was pushing a stroller. 

 

_ “ _ What?” Jeremy pushed down the brakes. “What is it? Jeremy said worried, I didn’t answer, I was struggling with my seatbelt, I need to see her again, confirm my darkest nightmares. If it’s not her, I can let this go.

 

The cars behind us was honking, they rolled down their windows and they were shouting. I didn’t care to close the car door and I ran. The woman rounded the street corner, not longer in my sight, my heart was raising,  _ please let it be her.  _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A fun game: after you have read this chapter, I would love to hear what you think and who you think the killer is.


	5. Chapter 5

**_26 October 2017_ **

_ Scotland. _

 

_ Claire Fraser parked her car and walked down to the dock. The sun was hiding behind the clouds and the cold breeze was refreshing. She was going to take the ferry boat from Mallaig to Isle of Skye, her favorite place,  _ _ where  _ _ she always took the ferry to think and to be alone with her thoughts. She had done this since she moved to Scotland from London ten years ago. _

 

_ There weren’t so many people here today, mostly tourists, people of all ages waiting, excited to see the wonders of Scotland. Claire looked down on her wristwatch, the clock was 1:57PM, just six more minutes before departure. She had lied to Jamie when he called earlier, said she had to work. But the truth was that she needed to be alone and decide how she should break the news to Jamie. She was pregnant.  _

 

_ Claire work _ _ s _ _ as a doctor, well she is almost a doctor,  _ _ as  _ _ she is still studying to become one. The hospital where she works was understaffed and work had been busier than usual. She worked double shifts and she had been sleeping badly. Claire hadn’t noticed that her period was late.  _ _ It was only she remembered when a _ _ pregnant  _ _ patient  _ _ asked when Claire was planning on having a baby on her own, that reminded her that she actually should have had her period right now. It wasn’t a bad surprise, not to her, but maybe I will be to Jamie.  _

 

_ Claire felt a unexpected happiness within her when she saw that the pregnancy test was positive. Her parents died years ago and she was their only child.  _ _ Unlike _ _ Jamie, she didn’t have a family,  _ _ and  _ _ this was her chance to have one. _

 

_ They have been married for almost 5 years, 15th of May was their anniversary. Claire loves children and wants at least four but Jamie has been skeptical about the subject. It  _ _ was _ _ ridiculous, but the first time they talked about having children, Jamie said he was afraid, that he’s not going to be a good father, and that he wanted to wait. Claire accepted that and hoped that he would change his mind but now four years later, he still hasn’t changed his mind - he said so last week and the week before that when they argued about it. He even said once that he doesn’t know if he wants children at all, why she don’t know. _

 

_ Claire loves Jamie more than everything, she fell in love with him almost right away. Some people comes into your life, leaves footprints in your heart, and we are never the same. That was exactly what Jamie did, from their first date they evolved  _ _ and built _ _ a bond that she never had experienced with anyone.  _

 

_ It was destiny, faith, whatever you could call it - it was the two of them forever. But even  _ _ with _ _ how sure she was about their love, she was afraid that their new member, who would appear in nine months, wasn’t what Jamie wanted. There were too many questions and too many fears. What if he leaves? What if he wants her to do an abortion? Does she leave him if he don’t want this baby?  _ _ What if he keeps it then will resent it? Resent her? How would she live then? _

 

_ The ferry left the dock and Claire walked over to the front, her purple scarf she had knitted herself wasn’t as good as he had hoped, it didn’t protect her from the wind and her black coat was just barely keeping her warm. She was annoyed with herself that she wasn’t smart enough to wear better clothing, but in her defense she never planned this, she didn’t know this morning that was going to be here today. _

 

_ Claire placed her hand on top of her  _ _ still _ _ flat stomach. She closed her eyes and felt a tear run down her face. She had no idea how she would break the news to Jamie. Her mind went through all kinds of different scenarios: one was where Jamie was overwhelmed with joy with when she told him. The second was where he didn’t say a word, shocked but still happy. The third was the worst one, that he didn’t want this at all and she is forced to raise the baby alone, and spend a lifetime without him  _ _ and that was it _ _.  _ _ More tears fell from her eyes. To be without Jamie - that is her worst nightmare. _

 

_ She opened her eyes when she heard a infant cry and she turned around, it was mother holding a newborn baby. The mother was standing alone, rocking the baby back and forth while singing to soothe her baby. “ _ **_Idir ann is idir as, Idir thuaidh is idir theas, Idir thiar is idir thoir, Idir am is idir áit”_ ** ****__  
  


_ Claire watched her, facinaded and curious at the same time. She couldn’t really understand all the words but she knew it was gaelic - the same ancient language Jamie like to talk to her.  _

 

**_“Casann sí dhom, Amhrán na farraige, Suaimhneach nó ciúin, Ag cuardú go damanta_ ** **_  
_ ** **_Mo ghrá.”_ **

 

_ Claire tried to translate the song, she wasn’t sure but the second chores she thought it was: From the shell, The song of the sea, Neither quiet nor calm, Searching for love again, My love. _

 

_ The baby seemed to enjoy it’s mother’s singing and the cries reduced into silence. In nine months, that could be Claire and the baby she had growing inside her. She placed her hand once more on her stomach and prayed that Jamie would be happy when she told him. _

 

_ Claire walked inside when it was too cold stay outside and sat down in a empty seat. She stared at down at her phone. Maybe I’ll just text him? She thought - it felt easier, but no, she needed to tell him face to face. Suddenly, she felt like she was being watched and she looked up, it was her coworker, Frank Randall.  _

 

_ Frank Randall works at the same hospital as her, a psychiatrist who always seemed to be irritating her. She could understand why though, they had only spoken a few times and each time felt forced but honestly he was ten years older than her and boring as hell. They never sat together but he was always in the cafeteria when she was having lunch and now here he was, on the same ferry as her and she hoped  _ _ he _ _ would  _ _ not _ _ come over - he did. _

 

_ “Ah, Dr. Fraser, what a lovely surprise.” Frank said cheerfully, he stood in front of her holding a water bottle in his hand. Claire sighed to herself and then she smiled to him. _

 

_ “Mr. Randall, nice to see you here.” Claire replied politely. Hoping that he would leave her alone. _

 

_ “Please, call me Frank.”  _

 

_ To her disappointment, Frank sat down in the empty chair next to her. “What brings you here?” Frank asked and Claire wanted to say something sarcastic. _

 

_ “Sightseeing.” She replied short, she didn’t want to talk to him of all people, especially now. _

 

_ “Ah. Your husband didn’t want to come?” Frank asked and looked around. _

 

_ Claire had never talked about anything personal about herself in the few times she had talked with Frank, never even mentioned Jamie. They are coworkers, not friends, everything felt strange and she rapidly tried to think of a lie to excuse herself. _

 

_ “No, he is working, this was spontaneous...” Claire got interrupted by a loud bang and she stopped talking. The boat  _ _ was slowing _ _ down.  _

 

_ Everyone became quiet, no one understood what was going on. Claire got up from her chair and slowly walked over to the window. All she saw was smoke - thick, black smoke that was coming from the back of the boat.  _

 

_ “The boat is on fire!” Someone yelled and everyone started panicking.  _

 

_ “One of the engines has exploded, please remain calm and walk slowly to the front of the boat.” A voice said loudly in the speakers.  _

 

_ It is fine, this is just a small problem, they are probably going to fix it or get help, Claire thought, she was trying to stay calm. She followed the stream of people who was almost fighting each other to get outside first. When she came outside, she couldn’t see Frank and she walked over to the railing on the left side of the boat. They were approximately 10 minutes away from Armadale. Not another boat in sight.  _

 

_ The smoke made it difficult to breath without coughing, Claire’s eyes wandered to the back of the boat, she could see the staff was running around,  _ _ panicking themselves _ _ and  _ _ until then _ _ , she had been remotely calm -  _ _ not anymore _ _. The back of the boat was really burning.  _

 

_ Claire looked around, the other passengers looked as worried as the staff - mothers was holding their crying children tightly, there was a older couple standing next to her, they were holding on to each other, the man she guessed was the husband whispered something to his wife while he held her, she looked like she was going to faint any second.  _ _ Families who huddled together and made sure no one would be separated. _

 

_ They made her think of Jamie, she should call or sent a text and tell him what was going on. This was serious, they didn’t have the fire under control and the water below was freezing, if they needed to jump into the water, people may drown or freeze to death. _

 

_ Suddenly,  _ _ just as she fished for her phone, _ _ Claire heard someone cry for help and without hesitation she ran. She was foremost a doctor and she forgot the situation she was in and moved further back on the boat. The smoke was even thicker there and she had to use her scarf to protect her face.  _

 

_ There was a man lying on the ground, he was screaming. When Claire came closer she saw that man had been burned, half of his face was completely ruined, third degree burn. He would need multiple transplants and after that, he would never look the same anyway. _

 

_ “I am Claire. I am a doctor and I’m here to help you.” She said calmly, but in fact, she was panicking on the inside - she had never treated a burn as severe like this. She honestly didn’t know what do and she didn’t have anything on her to make his pain go away. She sat down on her knees next to the man  _ _ and started to think _ _. _

 

_ “Claire?” Frank’s voice came behind her. “Can I help?”  _

 

_ “Run and see if there is a medical kit inside. I need a blanket and towels.”  Claire ordered, she never saw him but heard him run away.  _

 

_ The man's clothes was burned and black with sot, his entire body had literally been on fire. The zipper on his jacked had melted together, she needed to take it of to see if he had more injuries under.  _

 

_ “Can you say your name?” Claire asked him, she needed to distract him while she was trying to take his jacket off. _

 

_ “Thomas...” He whispered, it must have been painful for him, his mouth was bleeding. “..Christie” _

 

_ Claire tried to be gentle but Thomas started screaming again, his jacket was probably burned into his skin. Where is Frank? Claire turned her head and saw that people in the front was running around now and she heard someone screaming “The boat is sinking!!”  _

 

_ Suddenly the boat started shaking again. Claire lost her foothold and fell over to the side. This time she was closer to the back of the boat and when the second engine exploded her ears started ringing. She felt nauseous but still tried to get up, she must have hit her head in her fall. Everything was blurry but she tried to focus on Thomas again. He was laying still on the ground, his silence was alarming and Claire crawl over to him. _

 

_ “Thomas?” Claire looked at him, his eyes was opened but he wasn’t breathing anymore. The pain must have been to much. She couldn’t have saved him, she knew that, but this was going to haunt her.  _

 

_ Maybe it had been the adrenaline before but now, she could feel how scared she was. Claire closed Thomas eyes and tried to get up. She took a hold on the railing to steady herself. When she stood up she realized how much the boat was leaning, however, she also saw that people were already climbing into the lifeboats and she relaxed a bit, everything was going to be okay now.  _

 

_ “I’m sorry.” She whispered and looked one last time on Thomas. Claire was devastated and felt awful for leaving him but she needed to go. _

 

_ Her head a hurt a bit and she felt that blood was running down her face but she didn’t care, she wanted to get on of those lifeboats. It was just a matter of minutes before the boat would start to sink or worse, before the oil that had leaked would catch on fire.  _

 

_ Claire started walking slowly, her head was hurting more now and she felt dizzy. She saw Frank walking towards her, holding a blanket and medical kit and she became angry, he was too late Thomas was already dead. She heard footsteps approaching behind her, someone was running.  _

 

_ “Move.” A man was holding a bucket with water said, it was someone from the staff. “Everyone into the lifeboats, now!” The man screamed, his voice was filled with fear. Claire tried to be fast and turned her back towards the railing as he pass her. Claire could see that the back of the boat was now under water. _

 

_ “What happened to the man?” Frank asked concerned. _

 

_ “He is dead.” Claire answered short. _

 

_ “Shit. But we really need to go, we are the last ones. I overheard the captain saying that the whole ferry is going to explode.” Frank took her arm and started dragging her. _

 

_ “What?” Claire said, shocked, as she tried to get lose  _ _ from his grip _ _. _

 

_ “Someone, a property construction worker has explosive substances in his car, the captain probably didn’t know that I was listening but it was obvious that they don’t want anyone to know.”  _

 

_ “What do you mean?” Claire asked confused. _

 

_ “Well.  _ _ The boat is sinking. There are explosives on the ship _ _. They haven’t called for help yet. No one is coming.”  _

 

_ The first thought that popped up in Claire’s head was that something illegal was happening, what she didn’t know. She wanted to call Jamie, someone has to know. But she needed to get of the boat first. _

 

_ Frank grabbed her hand again, he looked scared and she followed him. They walked about four steps when Claire froze. _

 

_ “We need to go! What are you doing?”  Frank screamed at her. She was holding her hand over her stomach, tears was falling down. “They are going to leave us here, come on!” _

 

_ “I’m bleeding...” _

 

_ “Yes I can see that.”  _ _ Frank saw the wounded look she had on her face _

 

_ “No. My baby.” Claire cried, she started panicking even more, started hyperventilating.  _

 

_ “I am sorry Claire. But we need to go.” He sounded calmer, but it didn’t matter, she wanted to die.  _ _ She was almost certain the baby was gone. She was almost certain that Jamie probably would not forgive her for lying where she was, putting herself in danger, and of course, for the baby. So yes, in her overwhelming fear, she thought about wanting to die. _

 

_ The last thing that Claire heard before she lost her foothold was Frank's voice, screaming something and she fell into the water. She didn’t swim, she let the water take her and everything became black. _

  
  


**_Five days later - 31 October 2017_ **

 

_ There was strange music was playing low in the background, it sounded familiar but she didn’t know the words. Her eyes was shut and it felt like her throat was one fire.  _

 

_ Where am I? She wondered and tried to open her eyes but everything was blurry and she close them again. She heard footsteps and a door open. _

 

_ “How are you?” A man said with a British accent. _

 

_ “My head hurts. Where am I?” She asked, confused. She desperately tried to remember what she did yesterday but everything was blank. _

 

_ “Liverpool. Can I get you something?”  _

 

_ She opened her eyes again, her vision was clearer now. She was laying in a dark room and there was dark haired, older man sitting on the side of the bed. She had never seen him before. _

 

_ “Who are you?” She asked him, he blinked and smiled. _

 

_ “I’m you husband, Frank.”  _

 

_ She looked down on her hand, on her finger was a gold ring but she had no memory of this man, nevertheless marrying him. Then she panicked. _

 

_ “Who am I? I can _ _ ’t _ _ remember my name? What happened?” _

 

_ “We were in a car accident darling. You hit your head.” He brushed a away one of her curls behind her ear. “You are Katie Randall. You asked me this yesterday, you don’t remember?” _

 

_ Katie, she said her name in her head, it sounded weird. She tried to remember anything, but it was like her mind wasn’t functioning and the only thing she could muster in her head was a blurry image, she couldn’t distinguish what it was but it was a shade of red. _

 

_ “No. I don’t remember anything.” Katie said low, a bit embarrassed that she couldn’t remember her own husband.  _

 

_ “It’s okay. The doctor said that you hit your head badly. He said that this was a possibility and that you probably will never recover and regain your memory again. But don’t you worry darling, I’ll keep you safe.” Frank kissed her forehead lightly and left the room. _

 

_ She got up from the bed when he closed the door. It was difficult to walk but she stumbled to the mirror. She couldn’t even remember how she looked like.  _

 

_ Brown curly hair, brown eyes almost golden, like whiskey and her skin was pale white. “Katie Randall..” She repeated the name, it felt wrong,  _ _ it was not her name - but what does she know? _ _. _

 

_ Maybe it was instinct, an old reflex she had forgotten but she placed her hand over her stomach. It was almost completely flat but still, she somehow knew she was pregnant.  _

 

_ “Mama is here, I maybe not know who I am but I got you baby.” She whispered. _

  
  


**Present. 4 December.**

 

Katie stares at the man in front of her, his long red hair is filled with snow. She feels confused at first but he looks familiar.  It took a minute or two before she recognized him. Isn’t he the same man who fainted before her a few days ago, _What was his name again?_ _Wasn’t he a cop?_

 

“Claire?” I  whispered. My mouth wide open in shock, still not really believing what I am seeing. “Are ye real?”  I said as I  started walking towards her, desperate to touch her. I need to know if she is real. Tears was running down my face as I came closer. 

 

“I am sorry. You must be confusing me with someone else.” She said, apologizing. It’s strange, she doesn’t feel threatened by the man. There was something in his eyes that felt...safe. 

 

But Katie felt unsure what to do when he started to cry. Her daughter made a small wimping sound and Katie took a step backward, to protect her from the wind. “My name is Katie.” She repeated. “Katie  _ Randall _ .”

 

“What? No.” I stopped abruptly when she revealed her name. I had been so consumed with seeing Claire that I didn’t notice the stroller. A child’s cry brought my attention to it and the world started spinning when she started talking again.

 

“I am Katie, I don’t know who this Claire is.”

 

I blinked and tried to focus on her face. Her hair was longer but there was no doubt that the woman in front of me was my wife.  I could plainly see that she was startled by me but not enough that she’d run away. I waited and looked for her for so long and if this was my only chance of seeing her again, then I was going to ask questions and get some answers.

 

“Claire, where have ye been?” Who’s baby is that?” I asked gently, slowly and concerned.

 

“I don’t know who you think I am, but I’m not her.” Katie started to feel uncomfortable, the man was probably sick. “This is my child.”

 

“This is insane. You are Claire Fraser, my wife.” 

 

“Stop it!.” Katie screamed and her baby woke up.

 

My mind was spinning,  _ who’s baby is it? Why is she alive? And why don’t she remember me? _ I could see that I was starting to scare her but she was scaring me more. The baby laying in the stroller started screaming higher and higher. 

 

“I need to go, please leave me alone.” 

 

“Wait!” I panicked, she can't leave yet. “I can prove it.” 

 

“Prove what?”

 

“That you are Claire, my wife.”

 

“How?” She said confused.  _ How can he prove that I am someone I’m not? _ She thought, but she was curious.  After all, in the year she’d been recovering from the accident, she never felt like herself since. Maybe this was an answer.

 

I took out my phone from my pocket,  hands were shaking while I was searching for the email Jenny sent me. I needed to show her the picture from our first date. 

 

“Here.” I said, reaching out my phone, screen facing her. She hesitated at first but took one step closer to me . She looked at the picture and her eyes got wide in surprise.

 

“That doesn’t prove anything other than you and I have met me before. I am sorry but I was in a car accident one year ago. I don’t remember anything  from before that .”  Claire somehow felt that she needed to explain herself to him. She felt sorry for him at the moment, sure - but something deep in her drew her to him.

 

“Car accident?” I repeated dumbly. “You dinna had a car accident? They said you died when the ferry boat exploded…” 

 

“I seriously need you to stop, I’m not Claire.” She whispered. It was her on the picture and she felt confused. _Or am I?_ She thought, she stared at the man that claimed that she was his wife, how could she be  his? _Frank is my husband._ Katie reminded herself. 

 

We silently stood in front of each other, no one saying a word  but no one made a move to turn away either . I tried to process that Claire was alive, that she was standing here in front of me , not remembering me and with a child  to boot . 

 

“Who’s child is it? I asked again. My heart felt like it was going to stop any minute now. 

 

“My husband’s, Frank.” She said it and felt even more unsure.  _ What is going on?  _

 

Katie looked down on her daughter, Ellen.  It was the first name that popped in her mind the moment she first held her and Frank didn’t protest when she declared her so. She had the same brown hair as herself but not her brown eyes, Ellen’s was blue. The doctor had said when she questioned it, that all babies are born with blue eyes and that in time they will change.  But a few months in, Ellen’s eyes just grew more blue everyday and Katie lost herself, day in and day out, in her ocean eyes. 

 

She looked back at the man, he had blue eyes.  Almost the exact same shape and color as her daughter’s.

 

“What’s your name?” She didn’t remember him at all.  But with all the revelations, she, at least, needed to know who he was.

 

“Jamie.” I said the only name she had called me. I haven’t said it out loud in a year. It wasn’t my name if she wasn’t alive, but now here she is, alive.

 

“Okay, Jamie.”  Kate called his name out loud. If his presence felt safe, the mention of his name felt like home. She didn’t expect to feel the peace inside her but standing with him was the first time she felt right in a year. Her head was rambling with thought but her heart ultimately decided to give this stanger a chance. 

 

“This is absolutely absurd but I’ll give you one more chance to prove I’m this...Claire, your wife..” 

 

“Anything.” 

 

“I have some scars on my body. Tell me where they are.” Katie, or whoever she was, said and she held her breath.  Waiting. It was the hardest question she could think of. If he really knew her - was his wife and had seen the most intimate parts of her - then he must know the answer to this. 

 

“You have one long scar on your thigh..” I held my hands up to show her how long it was. “It was from an accident you had when you were four. You said you fell down a tree as a kid and broke your leg.” I knew them all by heart as I had her body mapped out in my head.

 

“The second one is on your wrist, it’s small but noticeable, it was from our wedding day, we did this ancient ritual were we did a blood wov.” Tears was running down  Claire’s face and I paused.  She didn’t know where, when or how the tears came to be, it just started falling when he revealed important memories of her childhood that not even Frank know about and when he spoke of the scar on her wrists that was supposed to be from their wedding, she didn’t doubt it for one second. 

 

“Claire. I can tell you everything about you, but there is millions of evidence that prove that you are in fact are my wife, wedding certificates , pictures, videos and other people that can confirm this. You have to believe me…” I fell down on my knees, my legs couldn’t keep me up anymore.  My face was wet from the tears I didn’t hold back anymore. I desperately wanted Claire back.

 

Claire knelt down in front of him and seemed to find his broken spirit. What stunned her more is it seemed to mirror hers as well. How can two strangers feel so connected and real and true? There only seemed one explanation and she accepted it.

 

“I believe you” She did and even though this sounded crazy, Claire felt right. However, she still couldn’t remember Jamie at all, but then she started question everything Frank had said and she became scared. 

 

_ Who is Frank and why have he lied?  _

 

A beat passed and another question passed through her mind.

 

_ Oh god. Is he the father or is it Jamie’s? _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> REACTION???? Let me know what you think guys ❤️


	6. Chapter 6

**4 December**

 

 _Claire is alive_. I can’t describe how this feels, it’s like I can finally breathe again. My heart is healing and I can’t stop crying, I have got a second chance in life.

 

Still on ours knees in the cold snow, cars are driving by and there are people staring, but I don’t care. Claire is here, she looks at me, almost the same way she did before the accident but something is missing, it’s not the same tenderly and loving eyes, but sympathy.

 

 _This woman doesn’t love me, she doesn’t remember me, she doesn’t remember us._ I reminded myself and all the joy I had experienced the last couple of minutes was transformed into rage when I thought about the man who had tricked and deceived my wife. _Frank Randall, I don’t know who you are but I am going to hunt you down and kill you._

 

The baby in the stroller started screaming again and reality hit me. “How old is the baby?” I asked, I didn’t know if it was a girl or a boy. Hell, I didn’t even know if it was mine. Scared, I waited for her to answer.

 

“ _She_ is four months.” Claire rose from the ground and walked over to the stroller that had been standing behind her. “Born 2th of August...”

 

I counted backwards in my head, she had to be mine, the baby must have been conceived in late October, joy yet again filled my heart and I got up from the ground myself, I wanted to see her. But suddenly another thought popped into my mind, _Frank that bastard has slept with my wife._ Claire was positive that the baby was Franks just seconds ago. October was the month of her accident, or could it be Franks?

 

“Are you okay?” Claire asked, staring at my closed fists. My entire body was shaking, I wanted to hit something, I want to kill Frank more than I had wanted to kill anyone.

 

“No.” I couldn’t possibly say to her that I wanted to kill Frank, I didn’t want to scare her. Her reality was that Frank had been her husband and I am just a stranger. “I’m just overwhelmed.” I said and tried to calm down.

 

“Does the name Ellen mean something to you?” Claire said and I froze.

 

“Aye.” I replied and felt hope.

 

“Who is she?” Claire looked at her daughter and then she looked back at me.

 

“My mother.” I whispered. _Does she remember?_

 

“I’ll take it I knew her?”

 

“No, not really, she died one year before we met. But I shown ye pictures and told ye stories about her. Why?” Curiosity took over, She remembers my mother’s name.

 

“My daughter, her name is _Ellen_.”

 

“It is?” I closed my eyes, tears was running down my face again and I could see my mother, standing in the kitchen. I swallowed hard, this is too much, I canna bear it and the only thing that could make this okay was if my wife held me, but I can’t ask her to do that.

 

“Jamie..” Claire’s voice felt like it was miles away, I couldn’t open my eyes to even look at her. “Would you like to see your daughter?”

  


“How do you know she’s mine?” I asked, my voice was shaky and the pain I felt increased, I somehow want her to say she never slept with Frank and that’s how she knew.

 

“She has your eyes…”

 

I opened my eyes as Claire had rolled the stroller closer. Just a meter away is my daughter and my wife. _This canna be a dream or I'll die_ , I thought and started walking towards them.

 

Two small steps, and I peeked down into the stroller, _perfection,_ that was the first thing I thought. Two big, bright blue eyes stared back at me. Ellen stopped crying. I wanted to touch her, convince myself that I’m not dreaming. _My daughter._

 

 _“_ She is _beautiful_.” I choked out,

 

Ellen is so small, never seen such a small baby before, or maybe I have but never really looked. Ellen wore a white little hat and I wondered what hair color she had. Claire was right, she really has my eyes.

 

“I just want to make this clear. I maybe am this Claire, your wife, and this is your child, I know that with every bone in my body. But I don’t know you.” Claire broke my bubble of happiness.

 

“I ken that. I’m going to do everything I can to make this right.”

 

“How are you supposed to do that? The doctor said that I’ll probably never will remember, anything!”

 

“Maybe you will when you are not surrounded by psychopaths who are clouding your judgment.”

 

“I’ll let you know that Frank has been nothing but kind.” Claire said irritated, she sounded exactly like she did when she was mad at me, it felt comforting but she was defending him, that bastard who stole her from me.

 

“Kind? He fucking kidnapped you?” I didn’t want to scare Ellen, I tried to keep calm but old Jamie still isn’t here. “Claire, he brainwashed you!”

 

“Stop saying that.”

 

“Say what?” I asked confused, “I’m only speaking the truth.”

 

“He never hurt me, he really is a good man.”

 

“Oh god!” Why is she defending him still. “I’m bound to follow the law and so help me, that’s the only thing that keeps me from killing him.”

 

“What are you going to do?” Claire was sounding genuine worried about her Frank and that just made more furious.

 

“Mark my words, I will arrest him and put him in jail, for life.”

 

“That’s not going to change anything. That won’t magically make me love you.” Claire said and my life flashed before my eyes. Every kiss she had ever given me, every single loving memory. My world shattered once again. Speechless.

 

_How can I convince her to love me, I can’t. I’m not even half the man I was._

 

“You have to understand this from my point of view. I don’t know you. The man I thought was my husband was a lie. I need to figure out what to do now. I have to think of Ellen, you can’t expect me to just go home with you and live happily ever after.”

 

“I understand that. Truly, but I can’t leave this be? You need to understand that I have to arrest him, this is illegal. Don’t you want him to be punished?”

 

“I don’t know. I just feel more lost than I was before.”

 

“I have been lost too, every single day since you disappeared. I wanted to die, more times than I want to admit, my life doesn’t have any purpose without ye, Claire. I understand that I am a total stranger to you but you are my life, my light and we can make this right.” I poured my heart out, knowing Claire is alive was the greatest gift I could ever get but to spent one more day without her was unbearable.

 

“I don’t know Jamie.”

 

“Please.”

 

“How do I even know that I was happy with you?”

 

I rapidly tried to think of something. How do I prove to her that she loved me? it’s impossible but I know she does, or that old Claire did, no doubt about that but still, I had no proof. I started thinking about all her old possessions that I had stored at Lallybroch.

 

“When we met you wrote things down in a journal. I haven’t read them but you maybe wrote something valuable in there.”

 

“Well that’s convenient. Where is it?”

 

“In Scotland, Lallybroch…” I wanted to see if the name rang a belle, no, nothing. “I’ll ask Jenny to send everything.”

 

“Jenny?” Claire asked. Ellen was fussing and Claire rolled the stroller back and forth.

 

“My sister.” I answered, Jenny is going to freak out when she hears about Claire and Ellen.

 

“Fraser!” Jeremy shouted and I turned around. He parked the car and walked out. It wasn’t possible for him to know who the woman I was talking to was but he looked shocked. “What’s going on?” He asked carefully, already knowing but needed to hear it.

 

“This is Claire, my wife.” I Introduce her to Jeremy, he had already talked to her once before but never in his life he could have know that it was my supposedly dead wife.

 

“We have met.” Claire said and looked at Jeremy.

 

“Yes, but. What? How? I..” Jeremy stutter, nothing made sense and he looked down at Ellen.

 

“I want you to put out an arrest warrant for Frank Randall.” I ignored that Jeremy probably wanted answers.

 

“Who?” Jeremy started but Claire interrupted him..

 

“He is my husband.”

 

“Fake husband, Frank Randall has tricked Claire into believing that he is her husband.” I corrected her. Jeremy was pale, confused. “Claire sufferers from amnesia.”

 

“No. He really is my husband, we got married here in the States, he wanted me to remember our wedding day.” She said, and I looked down on her hand, she wore a golden ring on her finger, not the one I bought six years ago. My mouth wide open in shock.

 

“But if you are his wife” Jeremy said and pointed at me. “Then in legal terms you can’t be married to this Frank.”

 

“I have no idea how these things work. I have an ID card and a passport that says Katie Randall and a marriage licenses that says I’m married to Frank Randall, he is even listed as Ellen’s father on the birth certificate.”

 

I was turning green, nauseous with the thought that someone else was raising my child. _This is my family._

 

“Well it will be easy to annulled the marriage to Frank, the court will see that this was faked.” Jeremy said and I just tried to not vomit my inside.

 

My phone started ringing but I couldn’t for my life take it out of my pocket. My brain couldn’t process anything, nonetheless how to function and move. Claire isn’t my wife in the moment, maybe on paper but not in her heart. Ellen is my daughter but on paper she was Franks.

 

I was suffocating, my brain was shutting of and I desperately tried to remember how to breathe, every day without Claire had been hard but this was even harder, she was so close but miles away. _Breathe, come on._ Black spots appeared, everything was slowly becoming blurry. Claire’s mouth was moving but I couldn’t hear her.

 

**26 October 2017**

 

_Someone was knocking on the door. I hoped that it was Claire, that she had forgot her keys. I hoped the door and my coworker Angus Mhor was standing there.  “What is it?” I answered annoyed._

 

_I had been trying to get a hold on Claire for the last hour but her phone was turned off. I called the hospital, worried to death when she didn’t answer and they said she had taken the rest of day off, she had lied and I couldn’t understand why._

 

_“There was a boat accident today.” Angus sounded strange and I thought it was a new case, he looked at me with sorrow in his eyes. “Two off the engines exploded, setting the entire ferry on fire. Almost everyone survived, except for four casualties.”_

 

_“Okay.” I still didn’t understand what he wanted to say._

 

_“Claire is missing, we have witnesses saying that she was on the boat.”_

 

_What are you saying?” I started panicking. “What do you mean she is missing?” Why was she on the ferry. I knew she took that damn boat when something was troubling her._

 

_“She was last seen at the back of the boat, minutes before the boat exploded.” Angus waited for me to respond. “I’m so sorry, James.”_

 

_“Why are you sorry? She is just missing.” I screamed. “I’m going to find her.”_

 

_“There is nothing to find Jamie”_

 

_-_

 

Claire looked at Jamie, he wasn’t responding anymore he was staring into thin air, it looked as he would faint any minute. Claire got scared, this wasn’t his fault. She tried to remember, anything about him but she couldn’t. It was snowing more now, each snowflake that landed on the ground was a painfully reminder that time was passing and Jamie wasn’t saying a word. The wind was blowing in her face.

 

The love Jamie felt for her was real, she could feel it and she wished this could be a fairy tale where the prince showed up, the princess remembered and everything was okay, but it’s not.

 

 _Jamie_ , she repeated his name, hoping she would remember, it wasn’t even familiar, it felt right but she still had no memory whatsoever. Claire looked at his hair, his red long hair, that could be the blurry red image she had remembered the day she woke up a year ago.

 

Claire couldn’t ignore how drawn she was to Jamie, not in a sexual way but how badly she wanted to comfort him, make sure he felt as safe as she felt near him. That feeling was what convinced her the most, her brain didn’t remember him but her body did. It was aching to touch him, hold him and say that everything was going to be okay. He was the missing piece of the puzzle but that somehow made everything worse, _I can’t live in the shadow of the memory of a person I am not._

 

Guilt was overthrowing everything, she looked at her daughter, _no_ , their daughter. Jamie deserves to at least have his daughter. Claire maybe couldn’t be his wife but she would make sure that he got be Ellen’s father.

 

Then the guilt was mixed with anger when she thought of her “husband”, _Frank,_ she had questioned their relationship from the beginning - he was a kind and there were moments where it felt real but there was something about him that always made her wonder. Not that she thought that he was lying but she asked him questions of their life together before the accident, how they met and the story he told sounded nothing like what she would have wanted. It was all very confusing, she maybe didn’t love Frank but she had felt something - that Frank loved her and he probably knew she never felt the same but he tried, desperately, to make their life happy.

 

Katie never felt like her and now she knew she was probably Claire, it all made sense. She was ashamed but she even felt uncomfortable when Frank held Ellen, she never left them alone together. But Jamie, there was nothing, no doubt in her mind and heart that, he was going to be a amazing father. It’s strange but she feels she knows him, knows his heart.

 

Claire looked at him again, _why isn’t he saying anything, what’s happening?_ She turned her head looked to his partner, he looked as worried as she did. Claire started crying, _This is my fault._ _Jamie I wished it was different,_ she thought, she really did. _But I need to find out who I am, without you._

 

“Fraser!” Jeremy grabbed my arm, the flashback from the day Claire “died” was slowly disappearing. ”Are you okay?”

 

“No.” I looked directly at Claire, she was crying and I could see that she felt sorry for me but that’s not what I wanted. “Nothing is okay.”

 

“I’m sorry I can’t remember you or be who you want me to be.” Claire said low. “But I promise I will let you see your daughter.”

 

“What?” I blinked, confused, and I moved closer to her. I forgot all my inhibitions, forgot that I was a stranger to her. “What are you saying?”

 

We stood so close that I could smell her breath, I was hovering over her, looking down on her face. Claire didn’t seem uncomfortable, there was a flick of moment where she looked like my Claire, the woman who used to love me and then she disappeared.

 

“Jamie.” She said low, so low that Jeremy couldn’t hear her. “I don’t know you. I need to start over.” The tension between us was unbearable. _Please don’t leave me again,_ I thought, I wanted to beg her to stay.

 

“But. We belong together.” I whispered back, a single tear ran down my face. “I love you.”

 

“Believe me. I wished I remembered, that I could remember how I once felt but I don’t.” Claire reached out her hand and placed it on my cheek, her touch almost made me gasp. This was the first time she touched me and I knew for sure that this was real, my wish had come true, she was alive but it had turned out to be a nightmare. _No, don’t leave me Claire._

 

“Ellen is yours, she will grow up and you will be there, as her father.” Claire took away her hand, the warmth from her stayed a second and I desperately wanted her to touch me again. I know what she was saying, she doesn’t want to be my wife anymore.

 

“And Frank?” I asked, Afraid that she was in love with him.

 

“I don’t love him. If that’s what you are asking.”

 

“You know I have to arrest him.”

 

“I do.”

 

“Where are you going to stay?”

 

“I have a friend here, I’m sure I can stay at her place for awhile before I can get a place of my own.”  We were still standing close and it felt comforting that she didn’t back away. But I wanted her closer, wanted her to kiss me and say that she loved me back.

 

“I canna let you go.” Every single bone in my body was aching. “I won’t.”

 

“I’m not going to disappear out of your life” she placed her hand once more on my cheek, our eyes looked in each other. The world around us silences and it was just me and her. “It’s not much but try to feel comfort in this Jamie - we just met like one hour ago, you told me a story that sounds crazy but here I am, believing you. I can’t deny that I feel something, how strange it is, i feel trust, but most of all being with you here, i feel safe.”

 

I leaned my forehead against hers and closed my eyes. “I am not going to give up.”

 

“I never said that I wanted you to.” She whispered, it was so low that I barely didn’t hear it but it lighted a spark within, _hope_.

 

“Fraser!” Jeremy shouted somewhere behind him “They have Frank Randall, he is on his way to the station.”

 

“Can you do something for me?”

 

“What?” She asked, still low, and I opened my eyes. It still couldn’t believe that she wasn’t my Claire.

 

“I need you to stay in my apartment, just for awhile, I know it’s too much to ask, but I need to know you are safe while I talk to Frank. I need Ellen to be safe.”

 

“Okey.” Claire answered and I needed to force myself to back away from her.

 

“Jeremy, drive Claire to my apartment.” I didn’t break eye contact with Claire.

 

“Where are you going?” Jeremy asked, confused.

 

“It’s not far, I’m going to walk.”

 

“But you don’t have a car seat.” Claire said and looked at Ellen. “I can take the subway.”

 

“No.”

 

“But you have Frank now, nothing is going to happen.” She tried to convince me, but even though Frank was in custody, I am afraid she is going to disappear again.

 

“James, take the car.” Jeremy handed me the car keys. “I’ll escort them to your home, we can take the subway together.”

  


It was painful to leave them but Frank Randall was the motivation that made it easier. Time for some answers.

 

I needed to be fast, Frank was being charged for kidnapping, fraud, and human rights abuses but in this moment nobody knew that I had a personal connection to the case. I was the one who was going to question Frank, nobody was going to stand in the way for this.

 

I stood outside of the interrogation room, Frank was inside, he had declined when he was offered a lawyer. I wondered if he would recognize me when I entered, the thought made me sick to my stomach. _Fucking bastard._ One deep breath. Big Red needs to come out for this, I can’t give him the satisfaction to see how this day has affected me. I’m going to destroy him. One more deep breath and I entered the room.

 

Frank was sitting on a chair, drinking a glass of water, on the table in front of him was a recorder and a case file laying. He looked up and his eyes widened in horror when he saw me, _He definitely knows who I am._ Frank started searching the room, maybe hoping that there was something there to save him. I walked over and sat down in front of him. Hands on the table. The interrogation room was small, grey walls and a window with bars, I liked this room, made me look even bigger, more intimidating. The mirror on the wall wasn’t just a mirror, on the other side of it, there was my colleague Sara Lind, she insisted she needed to watch. Probably Martin Lang’s suggestion. It doesn’t matter, they can watch, nobody is getting me out of this room.

 

**12.29**

 

“Mr Randall. Do ye know who I am?” I asked, calmly, staring him down with all the hatred I possess. Frank nodded. “I need you to confirm, speak out.”

 

“Yes. I know who you are.”

 

“Who is _Claire_ Elizabeth Fraser.” I asked, saying her whole, real name for the first time.

 

“She was my coworker back in Scotland.” Frank looked scared, he couldn’t look at me.

 

“And who is Katie Randall.” I spat out the fake name he had given her.

 

“My wife.”

 

“And what does Claire Fraser and Katie Randall in common?” I was impressed with myself that I was able to talk this calmly. More in impressed that I hadn’t smashed his ugly looking face in the table.

 

“They are the same person.” Frank answered low.

 

“Speak louder, I dinna hear ye.”

 

“They are the same person.” Frank repeated higher, he was beginning to get irritated.

 

“I need ye tell me how _Claire_ became _Katie_.”

 

Frank took a deep breath.

 

“On the 26th of October, I met Claire Fraser on the ferry boat in Scotland…”

 

**26 October.**

 

_When Claire fell into the water, Frank jumped in after her. Frank saw that she was sinking, she wasn’t even trying to swim and he managed to dive down and grab her hand. The smoke was making it hard to breathe but Frank swam further away from the boat with her._

 

_The boat exploded, there was smoke everywhere and he couldn’t see any of the lifeboats. Claire’s eyes was closed. He panicked. Please don’t die._

 

_Frank don't know how long it took before he reach land, but he swam and held Claire above the surface the entire time. Her wet clothes made things difficult but when he could reach the bottom with his feet, he carried her the last meter until he was standing on dry land._

 

_“Claire?” Frank shook Claire’s unconscious, lifeless body. He was scared she was dead. He placed his finger on her neck, she had a pulse. Thank god._

 

_“Help. I need help.” Frank shouted, hoping someone was close by._

 

_They were in the middle of nowhere, the only thing there was bushes and trees, no human being was in sight. Frank had a little medical training as a psychiatrist but not that much that he knew what to do._

 

_Claire Fraser was the love of his life. She was married but that didn’t matter, Frank had been in love with her since the first time he saw her. He knows she doesn’t love him back._

 

_Claire stirred and started coughing up water.Frank felt relieved and tried to turn her over to the side._

 

_“Claire? Are you okey?”_

 

_“What? What happened?” Claire’s eyes was still closed and frank leaned down closer. The injury she had on her head looked bad. She was bleeding._

 

_“The boat exploded.”_

 

_“What boat? Where are we?” Claire coughed some more._

 

_Franks phone started ringing, he got surprised, he never thought it would survive being in the water. It was his cousin, Jonathan Randall._

 

_“Jonathan, I need help. I have been in a accident and Claire is hurt.”_

 

_“Slow down. What happened.”_

 

_Frank gave Jonathan the short version, explain what had happened with the boat, and that he didn’t know exactly where he was._

 

_“Don’t worry Frank. I can track you with my phone, stay there I’ll send help.”_

 

_Frank hung up the phone and looked at Claire, her eyes was opened now and she stared at him._

 

_“Help is on the way Claire.”_

 

_“What? What happened?” Claire repeated again._

 

_“The boat exploded Claire, don’t you remember?” Frank explained yet again. Claire looked confused, scared._

 

_“Who is Claire.”_

  


_-_

 

I wrote down small details, that I was going to investigate later. _Jonathan Randall,_ the name was familiar. I interrupted Frank.

 

“So what happened after that. Claire didn’t remember who she was and you? What?”

 

“At first I told her that she was Claire, repeatedly, that she had hit her head and probably was suffering from a mild head injury.”

 

“And what happened with the help your cousin had sent.”

 

“They never came.” Frank paused and took a sip of his water, he was scared. “Jonathan was the one who came.”

 

“And why did he come and not an ambulance?”

 

“Jonathan said that he found out our location and saw that he was close. He thought it would be smarter if he just picked us up and drove us to the hospital.”

 

“Did ye go?” I was even more upset than before. “Did you take her to the hospital.”

 

“No.”  Frank at least has the desensitize to look remorseful. “When Jonathan came, I understood that Claire had no idea who or where she was. I saw my opportunity and we drove her back to my apartment.”

 

I knew that someone on the other side probably was getting the Chief by now. It was pretty clear that I was personal involve and that this case was about my wife. I needed to be quick about it.

 

“So you and Jonathan took Claire to your apartment, how did you treat her? You said she had hit her head. Was there a doctor who checked her?” I raised my voice, pissed, the bastards didn’t even take her to the hospital, my poor wife almost died and they never cared for her to get the help she needed. _Christ, I’m going to kill you._

 

“Jonathan had a friend, he is a doctor. He came to my apartment and he examined her, said that she probably was suffering from Amnesia, but that she was going to be fine.” Frank said, _Is he trying to reassure me that she wasn’t dying at the time._

 

“Fine?!” I shouted “You fucking idiot! You tricked my wife that she were someone else, manipulated her and then you flew her to America so I wouldn’t find her.”

 

“Yes.” Franks answered, he never even defended himself, he just told the truth. That just triggered me and made me more upset. I had thought before that Frank Randall was this sick, mentally ill man who maybe didn’t really know what he had done. But Frank wasn’t sick, he knew exactly what he was doing. He had the tools to play with her head and he used her.

 

I couldn’t control the anger anymore, my entire body was shaking with rage. I almost hoped that someone would barge into the room and stop me. Frank looked down on my closed fists, my breathing was fast and he knew what was going to happen. I expected him to look scared but what shocked me was that he smiled.

 

There was something that happened with his face, his eyes almost turned black. Frank no longer looked scared, his posture changed, he stretch his back, making it look like he was taller and proud. A flick of his tongue, he showed his teeth.

 

“It doesn’t matter what’s going to happen to me now, I can die happy. Claire was mine, even if it didn’t last and this will haunt you for the rest of your life.” Franks smile became bigger. “She doesn’t remember you?”

 

Frank raised his hands to his eyes, making fun of me, pretending to cry and I flew out of my chair. I would never attack a man who couldn’t defend himself but this wasn’t anyone, I didn’t care that he was cuffed. I grabbed a hold of Franks hair and pushed his face hard into the table, I heard his nose crack, his nose was bleeding, but I didn’t care for it and I pushed his face down again even harder.

 

I dragged him up again, Inches from Franks face I whispered. “I have connections, I will make your life a living hell in prison.”

 

“I fucked your wife.” Franks entire face was filled with blood, his broken nose didn’t seem to bother him. “Living with that will be a even worse hell for you.”

 

The door flew opened, maybe there was three or even more persons entering the interrogation room, I couldn’t see, I was busy trying to hit Frank again, he wouldn’t stop laughing, he sounded like a mental patient. Suddenly there was hands on my back, trying to drag me away from Frank. I saw red, I was going to kill him. “Get off me.” I screamed to my coworkers.

 

“Detective Fraser!” Chief Lang’s voice got my attention. “Step away. Now.”

 

Frank stopped laughing and turned his head away from me. “I want to press charges, this man is insane.” Frank almost sounded normal again, but when he looked at me, it was something, like he was a completely different person, not scared anymore like he had been in the beginning of this interrogation. He was enjoying this.

 

“Do it.” I dared him. It was worth it.

 

“Detective Fraser, leave the room.” Chief Lang ordered and pointed toward the door.

 

“I think he should stay.” Frank started and everyone in the room became silent and looked him. “I have something that might interest you. But I want full immunity and pardon from my charges.”

 

“Are you daft. _Nothing_ is going to save you.” I said.

 

“Depends. Do you want the name of the killer who murdered Lisa and Stefan?”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When the story flows, i just go with it. I have had a writers block, unsure how to proceed but now it’s back and I finished this chapter in one day instead of a week. So let’s say that this is a celebration gift haha. Thank you all for being you, every comment, like, support is just gold. And @thebrochtuarachs you are my rock.❤️

**4 December**

 

The train ride over to Jamie’s apartment was awkward at first. Claire hadn’t processed this whole thing and now here she was, on her way to her  _ real _ husband’s apartment with his  colleague and  partner. They stood silently next to each other as Claire looked down on her daughter. The more Claire looked at Ellen, the more she found Ellen's resemblance to Jamie.

 

“So you don’t remember anything?” Jeremy asked. The funny thing is that even if Claire magically had not walked down the street as they passed her with the car, It would have been merely hours before they had known she was alive anyhow. 

 

Jamie took the car and drove back to station, leaving Jeremy alone in the middle of the street with Claire. Tina called and said that she had found a woman named Katie Randall. Jeremy had laughed when she said it. 

 

Faith had already intervened and he told Tina that he was actually standing in front of Claire that very second, that James already had met her,  and that’s when  the tough, cold forensic started crying on the phone. 

 

“No. I don’t remember anything.” Claire answered quickly, this whole thing was getting  to her more and more by the minute. 

 

“I didn’t even know you existed. [James told me this] [ James just told me about you] like yesterday. But that you were dead.” Jeremy was babbling, not super comfortable with this escorting.

 

“Me neither, I woke up as Katie and now, here I am.” 

 

“But does James look familiar to you? Like your encounter with him today. I read somewhere that memories can be triggered by certain objects, smells, people” 

 

“No, he doesn’t.” Claire was starting to feel irritated, she had tried to remember Jamie since they parted but nothing. “Like I said I don’t remember.”

 

“But this Frank guy, how is he?” 

 

“Frank is a psychiatrist, that’s probably why he could’ve tricked me so easily, manipulated me to believing that I was someone else. He is extremely smart and passionate with his work.” 

 

Maybe she had been shocked before and that’s why she had defended Frank when Jamie said bad things about him. But now, she was seeing every crack in the lies he had told her.  _ Oh god.  _ Claire started thinking about their morning routines. Each morning when they wake up and have their breakfast, Frank “quizzed” her, asking mundane questions about their life. He said it was doctors orders. 

 

-

 

_ Katie was 29 weeks pregnant and she still didn’t remember anything from her accident. Frank was patient with her but he annoyed her - he was overprotective and she couldn’t even leave the house by herself. Frank said that he was worried and afraid she would forget everything and wander the streets confused. That had only happened once, months ago. Katie was fine. _

 

_ The little kicks from the baby was the only thing she had to look forward to, the baby was the biggest reason why she stayed. She hated to admit it but this wasn’t the life she wanted and she couldn’t understand why the old Katie had chosen Frank at all. She felt like something was missing. Shame and guilt was constantly there  _ _ because for all the confusion and frustration of not knowing entirely who she was, _ _ How could she leave Frank after all he had done for her _ _? _

 

_ Katie couldn’t leave Frank even though she sometimes felt trapped and lonely, she reminded herself that this baby needed to be in a healthy, strong home. She wasn’t strong enough to do it on her own. No family and no friends she remembered. Frank was the only one she had. _

 

_ It was an early morning, she was getting big and she had trouble sleeping, no position was comfortable. Katie didn’t even get the chance to sit down by the table until Frank started asking the same questions he asked each morning  _ _ since the day she came home with him _ _. “What’s your name?” _

 

_ “My name is Katie Randall.” She answered, same thing every day. She sighed. _

 

_ “Who am I?”  _

 

_ “You are my husband, Frank Randall.”  _

 

_ This was beginning to become boring, she knew all this by heart now and it didn’t help that she was pregnant - her hormones was of the charts with annoyment. She just wanted to eat her breakfast in peace. _

 

_ “And how did we met?” _

 

_ “Frank, I remember how we met.” She sighed again, shook her head in disapprovement, to make sure he knew how tired she was of this. _

 

_ “Katie. How did we met?” Frank repeated his question, stared at her, his tone was firm but he was smiling.  _

 

_ “We met in England, you were walking down the street and you saw me on the ground. I had dropped my grocery bag and was frustratingly trying to pick everything up when you offered to help and blah blah blah here we are.” She didn’t want to tell the rest, she knew, this had to be enough. She sounded like a machine, programmed to repeat this story every damn day. _

 

_ “And what is your background story before you met me?” Frank took a sip of his tea, thankfully he ignored her childish behavior.  _

 

_ “I am a only child, lost my parents when I was very young, lived with foster parents until I was eighteen.” I wished I remembered how my parents look like but Frank had said that everything I owned had been destroyed, not one single picture survived, when the storage I had kept my belongings had a unfortunate pipe problem. “I was unemployed, I had no real education and you hired me to become your receptionist when we moved here and you opened up your own practice.” _

 

_ “Good. Very good Katie” _

 

_ “Are we done?” She didn’t want to answer more questions - it wasn’t really that she remembered anything he had said but she just believe it was the truth. This was the story he had told her. _

 

_ “Yes, but we should get moving, I have a patient in thirty minutes.”  Frank rose from his chair and gave her a soft kiss on her forehead.  _

 

_ - _

 

**4 December**

 

“It was all a lie.” Claire said to herself, scared, she had no idea what was real anymore. Everything Frank had said was a lie. And combined with the little truth she had heard from Jamie, she panicked,  realizing  she  really didn’t know anything about herself.  

 

The more Claire thought of her life with Frank the more nauseous she became - someone she actually didn’t know had touched her, kissed her and the thought of them together almost made her puke in the train.

 

“What was that?” Jeremy said, raising his eyebrows in question. He looked at Claire, she looked terrified. “Claire, what’s happening?”

 

“I don’t know how I am going to do this.” Claire tried to regain her senses of stability, remain calm but she started hyperventilating. 

 

Claire was sweating, turning paler  by the second and Jeremy didn’t know what to do. 

 

“Breathe, oh shit.” Jeremy grabbed the handle of the stroller when Claire let it go, she turned over and started vomiting. People on the train started looking at them - some held their hand over their mouths  with the unpleasant smell , and others just looked irritated at them. 

 

Jeremy stared them down, they had no idea what this woman had been through. He wanted to show some authority, make sure nobody would say anything, he placed his hand on his hip, revealing his police badge.  _ I dare you to complain. _

 

“Claire, are you okay?”

 

“No. I feel violated, used.” Claire wiped her mouth with her arm, tears was running down her face and she didn’t know how she was still standing up.

 

“I’m so sorry.” Jeremy wanted to comfort her, but he knew that touching her would only make it worse. “Don’t you worry. We are going to make Frank pay for this.”

 

The anger, the humiliation but most of all, the rage she felt was overtaking her soul, turning it black with hatred when she heard the name Frank Randall . She wanted to strangle the man, kill him with her bare hands. The worst part,  she thought,   wasn’t even that he had slept with her but that his hands, his disgusting fucking hands, had touched her daughter. 

 

“I want him to suffer. I can’t breathe, how is this real?” Claire cried, she didn’t care that people were looking or that she was had vomit all over her shoes.

 

Ellen was awake, too small to understand anything -  that was the only thing she could be grateful for. She had her daughter and it was the only thing that was holding her on the ground. But other than that, she  only  had  a name,  and it’s not even her full name.  _ Who am I? Will I survive this? _

 

“James will make sure he does..”  Jeremy replied as if reading her mind and she smiled briefly with the little comfort he was offering. 

  
  


-

  
  


At the police station. Frank’s word echoed in the room,  _ I know who killed Lisa and Stefan.  _ I didn’t know if I should laugh or just kill the man. 

 

“You are obliged to tell us the name.” Chief Martin walked closer to the table where Frank was sitting. When he wanted, Martin could look quite intimidating.

 

“The killer is my patient. I am a psychologist, I know my rights, I am protected by the doctor-patient confidentiality.” Frank said, smug, he wasn’t going to tell us nothing unless we give him immunity. 

 

_ Over my dead body. Frank is going to get punished for this. I’ll find the killer without him. _

 

_ “If _ this patient has revealed to you that he has killed someone, you are bound by the law to tell us Mr. Randall.” Chief Martin was beginning to sound angry. “You are going to give us the name now!” He ordered.

 

“Actually, he has never said it out loud. I don’t have to say anything to you.” Frank wasn’t backing down “and if you want me to tell you, you need to take away  _ all _ the charges.”

 

“ _ No _ . I don’t need him.” I said, eyes focused on Frank. It really was as he had transformed into someone else, he looked pure evil. “ _ Nobody _ is letting you go.” That was a threat to everyone in the room.

 

“Suit yourself, but it’s just a matter of time before he kills again.”

 

“Officer Holm, escort this man out of my sight.” Martin ordered.

 

“Yes sir.” Sara Holm grabbed Frank by the arm. As they walked past me, I had the urge to kick him and his stupid grin was provoking me.

 

“Tick, tick, tick, tock.” Frank said and laughed.

 

Everyone cleared the room leaving myself and the Chief alone. I was prepared to get suspended or worse, fired for my disobedience. I had questioned Frank even though it wasn’t my place and the broken nose, well, it was my holiday bonus  and every cent worth it .

 

“Fraser! I don’t even know half the story but you do whatever it takes to find out who the killer is.” Martin said calmly, it wasn’t at all what I had expected.

 

“So it doesn’t matter that I’m personally involved with the case?” 

 

“No, you are the best detective here. Find him.”

 

“Aye sir, my pleasure.” 

 

“James.” Martin walked towards me “This means you do  _ whatever _ it takes.” Martin was giving me permission to play dirty, I wanted to kiss the man.

 

“I only ask for a few hours, I have a family matter to take care of.” 

 

“Family?” Martin looked confused, of course he was.

 

“Aye. Long story, Foster can update you when he comes but I need to go.”

 

“Alright.” Martin didn’t question anything, he nodded and left the room.

 

The drive home to queens was painfully long, I had only been away from Claire for two hours but it felt longer then the year I had been without her. I know she is safe and well in my apartment with Jeremy but I can’t relax until I had her in my sight.

 

**3:05PM**

 

I put the key into the lock and opened my front door, it was silent. My first thought was that nobody was here  and I slightly panicked .  I walked - no, ran - towards the room and there I found them . Claire was sitting in my living room, feet up in the couch and when I saw her I almost started crying again.

 

“Hi.” Claire said quietly and held her finger up, Ellen was sleeping in the stroller next to her. 

 

“Where is Foster?” I searched the room for Jeremy.

 

“He is outside on your balcony, smoking.”

 

My apartment looked different with Claire in it. This had never been a joyful place or even homey but now it was. Claire had always been the home of my heart.  _ Careful, she still doesn’t know you.  _ I reminded myself yet again.

 

“How are you?” I asked low, of course she wasn’t okay, I could  plainly  see that she had been crying. 

 

“ Even with my condition, I know I have never felt this wrecked before.”

 

_ “Frank.”  _ I said the bastards name with disgust “is never going to hurt you again. He is never getting out, I  _ promise _ .”

 

“What did he say?” Claire felt a bit at ease. Jamie being here made this mess a little better.

 

“He admitted everything - said that he had manipulated you and brought you to America to hide you from me.” 

 

“He did? What’s going to happen now?” 

 

“I don’t know, but he is going to prison for a long time.” I reassured her, that man is never going get out.

 

Jeremy walked into the room, even he looked like a mess. “Go down to the station, tell Martin what’s going on, tell him that everything about Claire.” I said. I was grateful for him, the only man I trusted to take care of my wife and daughter. “And I want to know everything about Jonathan Randall.” Jeremy nodded in response and with the look he gave me, no actual words of thankfulness were needed, and he left the apartment. 

 

As the door closed,  all of the sudden I became aware of how awkward I was being. Claire sat in the couch and looked at me while I was standing there, not saying anything. 

 

“I don’t know who I am.” Claire said low, her arms around her leg, she looked like she was protecting herself by making her look smaller. “Can you tell me something?”

 

“Everything. I'll tell you anything. What do you want to know first?” 

 

“Can we sit somewhere else? Ellen’s is going to sleep for the next hour or so. I don’t want to wake her.”

 

“Of course.” I said and motioned for her the follow me into to the kitchen. I wanted to know everything about my daughter,  _ Ellen _ , I craved to hold her for the first time but Claire was my first priority right now.

 

“Frank.” Claire started, she sat in front of me by the small kitchen table. “He said that I didn’t have a job, no education.”

 

“I know this will sound harsh but forget everything he has ever told you.” Claire was tapping with her foot, an old habit she did before when she was stressed. “I’m going to start with your name. You are  _ Doctor _ Claire Elizabeth Fraser.” I included her title.

 

“Doctor?” Claire’s eyes widen in surprise, or shocked, I couldn’t tell. 

 

“Aye, the goddamn best doctor in Scotland.” Claire smiled, making my heart sing with joy. “When we met when you were a nurse. You wanted to become a doctor and you studied night and day until you were one.” I said, proudly, remembering all the nights we studied together for her exams.

 

Claire looked down on her hands, never in her life she could have know that they had saved lives.  _ Fucking Frank.  _ He had discredited her, made her thinks she wasn’t smart enough to be someone other than a housewife.

 

_ “ _ What kind of Doctor?” 

 

“You were a  _ Neurologist _ .” Ironic that she was the one with the head damage now. 

 

“Ironic.” Claire seemed to think that same thought, she shook her head. “Too bad I don’t remember anything, I could have operated on myself.” 

 

This Claire seems to possess the same dark, sarcastic humor she had before. I wanted to laugh - her sense of humor was what made me fall for her in the first place.

 

“So we were quite the pair? The doctor and the policeman.” 

 

“You could say that. But it was hard, we both worked difficult hours.”

 

“Were we happy?” That was the question she had wondered the most.

 

“Aye. We were.” It pained me to say it, just because it was past tense. We really were solid, strong, and most of all, we loved each other fiercely.

 

“I’m sorry.” Claire could see how hard this was for Jamie. She, yet again, wanted to cradle the man, comfort him.

 

“Don’t apologize. I canna ask for more then have you here right now.” 

 

“But I’m not really here, am I? I’m not the same woman you knew.”

 

“You are. You are still the strongest woman I have ever met and it doesn’t matter if you don’t remember me.” Claire seems to have a problem with being complemented and she looked away. I am terrified to ask how she has been living this past year. “I just wished I could have been there for you.” 

 

“How does it feel?” Claire said and I blinked, not really understanding the question. “How does it feel to have me here?”

 

“Unreal. In every single way, I’m afraid to even blink, afraid that this is just a horrible dream where you disappear again. Since I thought you dead, I have spent every waking moment trying to forget you” I was afraid to admit this, but I had never lied to Claire, not once, in my life and I wasn’t planning to start now. “I almost burned down the house we lived in, the memories of you were too painful. I couldn’t breathe without you and I thought the best way was to trick myself in believing that you never existed.”

 

“Did it help?” Claire wasn’t upset, people deal with grief in their own way. “Did you forget?”

 

“No. The result was just that I became a horrible person, pushed away everyone I cared about. Everything and everyone reminded me of  _ you _ .” I said low, fear of not being able to be the man I used to be was invading my thoughts and how badly I wished that she remembered.  _ But what if she never does.  _

 

“Love is a gift from god, and only he can take it away.” I said, knowing that old Claire would have been irritated - she wasn’t religious and I wanted to test out a theory.

 

“So if  _ god _ is the only one to take it away? Was  _ this _ his doing? Made me forget  _ you _ , made me forget everything.” Claire didn’t believe in god, she had never been religious, I knew that but she was angry now. My beliefs was not what she wanted to hear and somehow that just made me happy - she was feeling the same way about god now, like she had in the past. 

 

“No, this is Frank Randall’s fault. God doesn’t intervene like this. We just met Claire - you yourself said that you felt something for me. That’s this was crazy but still, you know that I’m someone important to you.”

 

“I did say that, but that’s not god, that is...” Claire raised her voice

 

“That is what?” 

 

“I don’t know.”  she said defeatedly but then she perked up when another question came through her.

 

“But what if I never feel like you say I felt about you?”

 

“If that is the outcome, then I have to accept it. But I’m not planning on doing so now, until you ask me to, I’m  _ never _ going to stop.” 

 

“How can you know that you love this version of me?”

 

Jamie could laugh at how ridiculous he thought Claire’s question was. If only she knew how every inch of him was hers, that his life and his heart was in her hands. His blue eyes looked directly at her amber ones and held still for Jamie’s anwer. 

 

“There isn’t a version, nor a time or space where I don’t love you ,Claire. Forget god, forget all that. There is a greater power beyond that  existed just for us . It was a fierce, undying love that you only experienced once and  until you tell me to stop,  I will fight for us.” 

 

Claire heart was beating faster by the minute. Jamie’s declaration of love was the opposite to what she she had experienced with Frank. She felt the love both men had offered and given her. With Frank, no matter how skeptic she was of her story, at least, she knew that his feelings for her were true. However, she felt nothing for him and stayed with him out of obligation for their fake narrative. But with Jamie, maybe she didn't love him now, but she could feel the pureness of the love he felt for her. What surprised her more was, despite her having no recollection of him or their life together, she was sure that the depths of her soul was feeling it - the love - too. She had goosebumps. Claire’s body was aching again, it was being drawn to him like a magnet. 

 

“How can the body remember when the brain doesn’t” Claire spoke her mind, she was surprised by how easily it was. Claire couldn’t hide what she was feeling to this man. “My fingers are twitching, everything hurts, it’s like my body has missed you and my heart is screaming.” 

 

“What is it saying?” 

 

“I don’t know. It’s as if I have forgot how feelings are supposed to feel, how love feels, and that this is my body’s way of reminding me that I have loved you.” 

 

I almost caved, hearing her say this made my lose track, that I needed to give her space, she really did feel something.  _ Oh Claire.  _

 

“Am I making this harder for you? Should I stop?”  Jamie asked, afraid to push her beyond what she can handle at the moment.

 

“No,  you aren’t. Quite the opposite, to be honest. You make me feel alive,  Jamie .  No matter how painful this is , I rather feel the pain of hearing about a life I wished I had than spend one more second with that monster.” 

 

“Did he hurt you?” I asked, afraid of the answer. If he had, I was going to get in the car right now and kill him.

 

“No.” She answered quickly, she could see how much it pained me to ask it. But the real question I wanted to ask the most, was if he had touched her, sexually, and her eyes told me, he had. 

 

More rage and sorrow filled me.  Claire was the victim in this, I was the one who should have protected her.

 

“Other than you? Do I have any other relatives? Parents?”  Claire continued her queries.

 

“My family became yours. Your parents died when you were 12, a car crash.” I answered, wishing it wasn’t so, that she had someone else. If it came to me having to let her go, I wished there was someone that she could have had, a mother’s love or a father who could be by her side.

 

“So Frank told one truth.” Claire had hoped that everything was a lie, that there was somebody out there. Jamie was a solid comfort in all this but it’s not enough. “What where their names?” Claire closed her eyes, she wanted to remember them.  _ How can I not know how they look like?” _

 

_ “ _ Julia and Henry, your name was Beauchamp before we married.”

 

“It doesn’t feel familiar at all.” 

 

“Is there something that is?” I asked curiously, she remember my mother's name.  _ Was there anything else? _

 

“I have one blurry image. Nothing else.”

 

“Okay. What do ye see?” 

 

“You. I think. It's a blurry red image, the same red as your hair.”

 

_ Hope _ . 

 

“I have pictures, it’s in a box with your old things. Your parents, your time in college, videos, including your journals.” Jamie hoped he hadn’t thrown away something important, he knew that there was a lot of things missing. “It’s not much, but I can have Jenny send it tomorrow.”

 

“Thank you.”  She said quietly and another silence fell upon us. 

 

This day had been heavy for both of us. There was so much more to say, endless stories I could tell her but we seemed done. Claire had been through enough for one day. It was nice that we could sit here in silence. It wasn’t tense or awkward  but rather,  it was new level of comfort. 

 

In spite of h ow much I want to say that I knew everything about Claire, I needed to face the fact that I was going to get to know her all over again.

 

“Is there something else you want to know?” I should have stayed quiet but I needed -  no, wanted - to ask.

 

“Did we try to have a baby? Was Ellen planned?”

 

I swallowed hard, afraid that my answer wasn’t going to be appreciated. Afraid to tell her that I had said to her before I never wanted children. But if this was going to function, there could be no lies.

 

“No. We didn’t. I had no idea that you were pregnant.” 

 

“And how do you feel about it now?” For not being Claire, she was asking the same things she would have asked. The endless discussion of children was actually the only real thing we fought about.

 

“The week before you disappeared. I think it was the week before, I said to you that I didn’t want to have children.” I said, embarrassed. Claire looked surprised.

 

**19 October 2017**

_ One week before the accident. _

 

_ “Jamie. How much time do you need?” Claire asked.  _

 

_ “I don’t know. Is it so bad then? Do we need kids?”  _

 

_ I knew Claire wanted them, all of the imaginary kids we had talked about in the beginning of our relationship. Secretly, I wanted it too. But being a police made you see things in a different light. I have searched for missing children, stood by crying parents, felt their pain when I had to give them the horrible news. There are so many bad people out in the world - murderers, men who abuse women -  I have seen what sick men can do to kids. That image can’t be erased.  _

 

_ Who am I to bring a child into this world? What if I can’t protect him, or her> No, I don’t know if I can bare the pain.  _

 

_ One of the greatest fear I have,  _ _ and I know  _ _ it’s selfish, is if the baby kills Claire? I canna stand it. The thought of losing her is unbearable. _

 

_ “Yes. I need kids.” Claire stated, again. _

 

_ “But I don’t know if I want to.” It was a lie, but I am not ready. Not yet. _

  
  


_ - _

  
  


“So if there had been no accident and I told you were going to become a father. What would you have done?” Claire was getting defensive, this part wasn’t anything she liked about me. 

 

From the kitchen I could hear, conveniently, a small sound from the living room. Ellen was awake. Claire was fast to get out from the chair and I hadn’t even had the chance to explain myself.  _ I wanted this _ but the look she gave me was disappointment. I couldn’t move, I felt like I had betrayed her and that I had. 

 

It is then that I realized  that I actually had lied to her before, I lied when I said I didn’t want children.

 

With heavy steps, I left the kitchen, ashamed. Claire was standing with her back against me when I walked into the living room. I could see that she was holding Ellen, her tiny feets were sticking out. Small cries was heard but Claire was singing and rocking the baby back and forth. I have never wanted to be apart of something more than the picture I had in front of me.

 

_ This is my daughter. How can I have wanted to live without her.  _ I had never even held her, just seen her once, but I felt the pureness of her I loved her from the moment I saw her.

 

**_Idir ann is idir as, Idir thuaidh is idir theas, Idir thiar is idir thoir, Idir am is idir áit”_ ** Claire was singing. I Listened, fascinated and curious at the same time. It was gaelic - Irish gaelic - but I knew it all the same. 

 

**_“Casann sí dhom, Amhrán na farraige, Suaimhneach nó ciúin, Ag cuardú go damanta_ ** **_  
_ ** **_Mo ghrá.”_ **

 

_ From the shell, The song of the sea, Neither quiet nor calm, Searching for love again, My love. _ I translated the words she was singing, fitting that she was singing about lost loves at sea, in my own language.  _ Did she know the words? _ I thought, I had never heard her sing this song, nevertheless sing a song in gaelic at all.

 

Claire stopped singing when Ellen stopped crying. My mind was blown away, where did this song come from.  And of all the songs in the world, it had to be  a gaelic lullaby. 

 

“I’m going to ignore that you said you didn’t want to have children, because  _ she _ is here, nothing can change that.” Claire turned around, her eyes focused on our daughter. 

 

“Claire. I did want to have children with you.” I tried to hold back the tears, I didn’t want to cry but everything I had ever wanted was standing in front of me. 

 

“Then why did you say it?” Claire was trying to sound calm but she was upset.

 

“Fear.” 

 

“Fear of what? There is nothing more powerful than this.”

 

“Fear of losing you, losing  _ both _ of you. But I did anyway.” I choked out, I couldn’t hold it back any longer. I started blaming myself again. 

 

If I hadn’t given up maybe, just maybe I could have found her, found them. We never found a body, I should have continued to search for her but instead I let the pain overtake everything and I buried a empty coffin  on the ground as I  drowned in self pity.

 

_ I don’t deserve them _ . I thought and cried harder.

 

“We all have been given a second chance, Jamie. This maybe wasn’t what any of us had expected but, we are here. All of us, alive.” Claire said, calmer than before. She could hear the truth in his words and his pain was becoming hers - they really did share this unexplainable bond. 

 

“I should have told you. Maybe that would have changed things.” I kept blaming myself because I know now why Claire was on the ferry in the first place. All the evidence pointed to it, I knew she took that damn boat to think, it was her safe haven, to be left with her thoughts.  _ She knew she was pregnant and she didn’t know how to say it to me. _

 

Claire walked over to Jamie with determined steps.  _ Jamie needs to hold his daughter _ . She thought, there was too much sadness in this room and she could see how much Jamie was struggling and blaming himself. It was painful to see him cry. 

 

“Have you ever held a baby?” Claire asked and I shook my head. I had never dared to do it.

 

_ Mo nighean donn.  _ Ellen had Claire’s hair color, it wasn’t much but it was brown. I held my breath when Claire placed her in my arms, afraid of absolutely everything at first and that Ellen was going to scream or that I was going to scare her. 

 

Two big blue eyes was staring at me, This was serendipity, the closest thing to a miracle. I looked down to my daughter,  _ oh god, my daughter _ , she fitted perfectly in my arms. I was born to hold this girl, protect her with every ounce of my being. 

 

Love was overtaking every single doubt I had ever felt. I moved the arm that wasn’t really supporting her weight - maybe it was instinct because I knew how to balance her very tiny body with the other hand - and I touched Ellen’s little hand, carefully. I couldn’t stop looking at her. _My mother's eyes,_ _Claire’s nose._ I memorized every feature as Ellen opened her mouth and yaned. 

 

“Ellen  _ Faith _ Fraser.” Claire whispered, not wanting to ruin the moment but it needed to be said. Ellen was his daughter, she needed  for him  to  know her full name. This wonderful moment where father and daughter was brought together for the first time and it felt appropriate, like a baptism. 

 

“Faith?” 

 

“Yes. It’s her middle name. I maybe don’t believe that there is a god up there and after everything I have been through, I had lost hope in ever remembering anything. Towards the end of my pregnancy, I was afraid of what I would feel when she came, not really knowing who I was. I got scared, that I wasn't going to be a good mother. I doubted myself...” Claire started crying. My heart was imploding, breaking into millions of pieces, she had to go through this alone. I wished that I could have been there, reminded her and convinced her that she was going to be the best mother there was. 

 

We were standing just two meters apart and I took one step closer to Claire. Ellen was securely laying satisfied in my right arm, between me and Claire. I moved as close as I could without touching her. I hesitated, desperately wanted to comfort her but couldn’t bring myself to touch her without permission. Her whiskey colored eyes pleaded, giving me her consent. Claire leaned into my chest, my free left arm wrapped around her. 

 

“Then Ellen was born, and from that very first breath she drew, I knew. _In_ _Faith_. That everything was going to fine.” Claire said, her voice sounded lighter.

 

_ Ellen Faith Fraser.  _

 

_ Claire Elizabeth Fraser _

 

Both of them here and safe. I took a firmer hold and held on to Claire harder. If this was going to be the first and last time, I savored the moment and leaned my head down on top of hers. I breathed her in, her hair smelled like lemons. Ellen didn’t weigh a thing, I could stand here forever.

 

I wanted to cry out how much I loved them, both of them, so much. Scream it from the rooftops but this was a new start, just the beginning. I could see it in Claire eyes just minutes before I took her into my arms that she was letting me in.  _ We have a chance and I’m going to do everything in my power to keep them with me always.  _

 

A seed of love had been planted in her heart. I can still read Claire’s face like it was my own. This was going to take time and I am going to nurture it, feed it with water and have it blossom into something even more beautiful  than before . I’m going to make her fall in love with me again. 

 

_ Til our life shall be done _ .   
  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	8. Chapter 8

**4 December**

 

**5:53PM**

 

We managed to get a hold of a baby seat for Ellen and it was complicated to install in the car. Claire was laughing  at me the whole time while I was cursing, trying to  put  it in the car. Honestly, I had no idea that kids even needed them. It was one more thing I was grateful to learn.

 

Having  a child has never been something I thought I would experience. With Claire supposedly dead, I never wanted to have children with anyone else and  I thought my name would die with me.  But now, with Ellen in my life,  I was feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all, but in a good way. I am a father now. No matter how unbelievable it was, she was here, my blood running through her veins - a solid proof that my existence will live on forever.

 

There was so much more I wanted to learn about parenting. I desperately wanted to hear everything about Claire’s pregnancy and how it had been these past four months since Ellen was born. I was trying to ignore that Frank had been there, but today wasn’t the time for it.  My wife and daughter were my first priority.

 

Claire wasn’t feeling that good, I could see it even though she said she was okay. But how could she be? She had been through so much in the  last few hours, not just learning about my existence but learning that she had been living a lie. I hated that she couldn’t tell me how she really was feeling.

 

After my magical moment, where I got to hold my daughter for the first time, we stood in my living room in silence, no words were necessary.  One hand was holding my daughter, the other was holding my wife, both safe and alive in my arms.  We just  _ were  _ \- a family who got to be together,  for the first time.

 

Life was slowly coming back to me and everything was enhanced. Every breath I drew felt easier and the love I felt was beyond. Having them, loving them - it was more.

 

The day I married Claire,  _ 15th of May 2013 _ , was the day I dedicated my life to be the man she deserved. I’m not the romantic guy who buys his wife flowers, buying material things that others may find important. No - I’m the man who showed his wife how much she meant  to me by listening, paying attention, giving my entire soul to her. Each action I made was to prove that I earned her and I kissed the ground she walked because I was grateful that she was mine. Claire responded by telling me she loved me and I never needed anything more than to hear her say it.

 

However, we weren’t perfect.  We fought like other couples, of course. There were arguments about boring and ordinary things like cleaning, groceries, shopping and whose turn it was to pick a movie or do the dishes. It was a long list of unnecessary things but not once, not  ever a single time, did she question that I loved her. Because that I do, with every cell of my body. I promise ye, no man has ever loved a woman as I love her. 

 

I’m not afraid that Claire can’t see or feel now how much I love her, because she said she did. My biggest fear isn’t that she will never remember our life before or even remember me at all - No, I’m afraid that she’s not going to love the man I am today. This brute of man who has been cast into the shadows, he who has lived with the demons in the dark. I know I can’t be the same man I was just because she suddenly is alive. I’m too broken, my soul is shattered and that piece of me that was me, he died, even though Claire never did.

 

Even though it pained me to leave them, I knew it was the best thing for Claire. She needed to be where she felt safe. After I dropped Claire and Ellen off in Bronx, I called our forensic Tina and asked her to look up the friend they were going to stay with - just a precaution so I could work without being too worried. Frank was being held without a sentence and he was going to stay in custody at NYPD. My wish was that he should be executed, preferably by myself, but I have to trust the system, trust that he will be punished with spending his days locked away. 

 

Tina was fast to call back and say that Geneva’s record had been clean. No criminal records could be find. She was filthy rich though, came from a powerful family from England and grew up in a mansion called Helwater. Tina said that she was going to look some more later but this was enough for me to relaxed and be calm enough to concentrate on my work.  _ Claire and Ellen are safe. _

 

-

 

**8:21PM**

 

Claire was staying with her friend, Geneva Dunsany - an English woman she had been lucky to meet during her short time in America. They were both in the first trimester of their pregnancies when they met in the waiting room at the hospital. Claire,by that time believed she were Katie, was about to see her midwife. She was was talking to Frank when Geneva interrupted them. 

 

**January 3, 2017**

 

_ Geneva sat in the waiting room, a little early for her appointment with her midwife. That gave her time to flip through magazines and read the latest gossip. She was frustrated that her husband couldn’t be with her, he had to work, again. The endless,  _ _ pointless  _ _ articles was a good distraction. _

 

_ What caught her attention was that she heard a man talking with British accent. It wasn’t really his accent but his voice that was so familiar. Geneva looked up and saw her old psychiatrist Frank Randall sitting across the room. She didn’t like the man and was just about to look down again when she saw her - Claire Fraser. _

 

_ “Katie, we are going to met up with the realtor after this.” Frank said to Claire. _

 

_ Geneva’s eyebrows rose  _ _ merged  _ _ in confusion, Katie? Why is he calling her that. And how do they know each other?  _

 

_ When they were little, Geneva and Claire went to the same school and class in England. Since the moment they met, they became fast friends and were inseparable until their teenage years. An accident happened, one that should never be talked about, that made Claire cut Geneva off. Up until today, it still pains her the way their friendship ended. _

 

_ “Frank. I lost my memory but that doesn’t mean I can’t remember at all.” Geneva heard Claire saying irritatingly to Frank _

 

_ “The doctor said that you can experience some confusion. I’m just doing my husbandly duties to keep you safe.” _

 

_ Oh my god. Geneva understood right away, Frank must have tricked Claire into believing she was Katie. Geneva was laughing on the inside - her perfect, smart, know it all psychiatrist was  _ _ really _ _ a lunatic.  _

 

_ Geneva moved to the United States a few years ago but she still knew things about her former friend who had moved to Scotland. Everyone had heard about the Scottish hero James Fraser who married the beautiful Dr. Claire Beauchamp. The Scottish daily had a three-page long article covering their wedding. Geneva had read it, twice. _

 

_ Geneva couldn’t resist - she needed to say something, she wanted to she the horror in Franks eyes when he recognized her. And honestly, the thought of having a second chance with Claire was what pushed Geneva to do it.  _

 

_ “Hi. I’m sorry to interrupt but I couldn’t miss to hear that you are from England.” Geneva said with her sweetest angelic voice as she  _ _ went on  _ _ pretending she didn’t know who Claire was. _

 

_ “Oh, hi. Yes, we just moved here.” Claire answered enthusiastically,  _ _ an excited thrill passed through her in having the chance to know other people than Frank _ _. “I’m Katie and this is my husband Frank.” _

 

_ Oh my god, it’s true. Claire Fraser has amnesia, Claire didn’t even recognize her at all. But Frank did, his eyes widened in horror, just as she had hoped. Geneva could see small drops of sweat forming on his forehead.  _

 

_ “Nice to meet you, Katie.” Geneva answered, she was fucking shocked but managed to stay focused. “I am Geneva.” _

  
  


-

  
  


Weeks went by and their friendship grew but Geneva’s baby, unfortunately, died in her belly around halfway, at 24 weeks. It was horrible.  The baby’s heartbeat just stopped and Geneva was at a loss.  Claire was there to support her but to add to her pain, Geneva’s husband left her after he blamed her for their child’s death. Claire never left Geneva’s side but it was still difficult because Frank,  for reasons unknown to Claire, never approved their friendship. But after late phone calls and secret lunches, they became best friends.  What made Claire even sure about Geneva was that she knows that Geneva loves Ellen - she loved her so much, she even calls herself Auntie Gen. 

 

Now, everything made sense. Why Frank had desperately wanted to isolate her,  why he kept her hidden,  why he tried to  dissolve her friendship with Geneva,  why  he always discredited her and said that he didn’t like her. Claire now understood that Frank was afraid that she was going to get close to someone who, maybe, were going to ask questions. But Frank was gone now and Claire is “allowed” to be with whoever and wherever she want and Claire was grateful to have her friend. 

 

“Katie, no, I mean  _ Claire _ . I can’t believe that this has happened to you. I’m so sorry.” Geneva said, sympathetic. 

 

Claire and Geneva were sitting in one of Geneva’s guest rooms - or now it’s was her room she supposed - spending the last hour explaining what had happened today. Geneva had laughed at first, thinking Claire was kidding. Her story was unbelievable, Claire almost didn’t believe it herself, but it was the truth and the more Claire told, it didn’t take long before Geneva understood that she was being serious. 

 

Jamie had offered to drive them to the Bronx (of course he had), being the gentleman she had assumed he was. They still acted a bit tense with each other and Ellen screamed the entire ride.

 

When they arrived, he asked if he could met Geneva. He had been polite when he introduced himself, he never said that he was her husband but Claire had almost wanted him to say it. It was yet again so confusing and It was hard to see him leave.

 

“So Jamie is your  _ real _ husband?” Geneva was still looking shocked. 

 

“Apparently.” 

 

“Well, I can't say that I am happy that you have been through this, but I am happy that the bastard Frank isn’t your husband. Never liked the man. Jamie seems like an upgrade.” Geneva blinked at Claire. 

 

Jamie was tall, attractive and even though they just met today, she had already had forbidden thoughts  running through her mind . Ellen was proof they had been affectionate in the past - they were _ married _ for crying out loud - but Claire had no memory of that and if she was being honest, the thoughts of him and her was driving her insane. Her body was drawn to him and she couldn’t control the thoughts of him. But she reminded herself that that was attraction, not emotions, and she still didn’t know him or - that was what she was trying to convince herself.

 

Despite this, Claire did see the moment Geneva met Jamie and she thought that Geneva acted too silly and was being a bit forward. Claire was surprised, Geneva never acted like this but to her defense, she didn’t know Jamie was her husband at the time when they got introduced. Still, Claire did feel a bit jealous but she was fast to push those feelings away.

 

“I don’t know if I can stay married to him either.” Claire said low. She wanted Jamie, more than she wanted to admit to herself, but it wasn’t fair, especially not to him. She wasn’t the same Claire he had loved and she didn’t want to live in the shadows of her old self. “Not now anyhow…” she added quietly.

 

“Give it time Claire. Shit, it’s so hard so say  _ Claire _ .”

 

“Tell  _ me _ about it.” Claire laughed, it was refreshing, she wasn’t use to the name either. “But what if I never remember?”

 

“After what you said about Jamie. It’s very clear that he loves you  and he will still love you  even if you don’t remember.” Geneva was the only thing Claire wanted to keep from her old life as Katie - she knew her, understood her.

 

“But I’m not  _ his _ Claire. I don’t know who I am and I don’t think I can ever become her.”

 

“It’s all the same, you are you. I can promise you that old Claire was probably as amazing as you are now.” 

 

“So you think I should stay married to him?” Claire asked, she was having doubts.

 

“Honestly, yes and no. Jamie probably is wonderful but you are still not okay, you have been through so much. Maybe just take a pause from people who are trying to force you to remember them. Just stay here, breathe and and you’ll know how you feel in a few days. Being without Jamie, maybe, will put  things in perspective.” 

 

“Hmm. Sounds reasonable.” Claire looked down on Ellen, she was eating and had almost fallen asleep. Claire knew it was mere seconds before Ellen’s little mouth would loosen the grip she had on her nipple and sleep for the rest of the night.

 

“Hey, that’s just my opinion. You do what you feel is best, for you and for Ellen.” Geneva gave her a reassuring smile. 

 

“I don’t want to take Ellen away from him.” Claire whispered, Ellen had let go as foreseen. 

 

“You aren’t, but is it so dumb to take this slow? I mean you don’t really know the man.” 

 

“It’s so hard to describe Gen, but I do know this man, well maybe I don’t, but my heart knows him. And it’s scaring me.” 

 

“Oh honey.” Geneva rose from the chair she had been sitting on and walked over to the bed where Claire and Ellen sat. “Give me Ellen, I’ll put her down to bed and after that, we can go downstairs and just drink away this mess.” 

 

Claire’s eyes was filled with tears and she only managed to nod in response. Geneva took Ellen carefully out of her arms. Ellen wasn’t too happy to be moved out of her mother's arm and started to fuss but Geneva walked slowly over to the crib on the other side of the room, rocking Ellen back and forth until she became quiet. 

 

Claire watched her friend  with her daughter . She was good with Ellen, it was comforting but she still felt bad  for her loss \- the crib Geneva lay Ellen in was actually the same crib Geneva had bought to her own child. It pained Claire, that she had so much -  a fake husband who wanted her so much to a point of being criminal, a real husband who loved her so much she could feel the power hidden beneath feelings that her soul called to him, and a daughter to hold and cherish in this very confusing time - and Geneva didn’t have anything.

 

-

 

**8.30PM**

 

Feeling frustrated, I looked at all the evidence in front of me. I had gone straight back to the station after dropping off Claire  and Ellen . My eyes were swollen and tired and I honestly was feeling like I was losing track of what was happening.

 

The big clock in the room was ticking louder. I am sitting by my desk and have been going through Frank’s patients for the last hour. The list was long and we needed to go through every single one individual. I wasn’t allowed to read what Frank himself had wrote, his personal notes, that was confidential, but I did had access to the names and I hoped that would be enough. 

 

I was searching our database, looking if someone had a criminal record. There were a few patients who had red flags and I had three names that rose a little suspiciously. It wasn’t much but they were the ones who, at least, have dealt with the police before.

 

**Alicia Beardsley** : 25, white female, born in the United States, had been arrested twice for shoplifting.

 

**Philip Rodriguez** : 32, Hispanic, male, born in Chile, arrested for being drunk in public. 

 

**Arvin Hodgepile** : 38, white male, born in England, arrested three times for domestic violence, has court order to take a anger management class.

 

I sighed,  _ I have to dig deeper with Arvin Hodgepile _ . It felt useless because I couldn’t see that this man had anything to do with my case, but Arvin was the only one who was violent of the three and I couldn’t skip it. Arvin had abused his wife, Olivia Hodgepile, and the records said that she was the one who called the cops. It was multiple occasions but she only pressed charges three times and there were medical records of her injuries. Olivia had gotten her nose broken twice and broken her arm one time.  _ Why is she still married to him?  _ I shook my head. I hated to see that there were people out there living in horrible conditions but there is nothing more I hate than men who hit their wives.

 

“Jeremy.” I shouted. Jeremy was sitting by his own desk covered with papers. He was searching for Jonathan Randall. “How is it going?”

 

“I have talked to everyone I can think of, not one person knows someone by the name of Jonathan Randall.”

 

“I told you so.” Tina said. I hadn’t seen her standing by the door. 

 

“But it’s not possible?” 

 

“Trust me, Fraser. I have searched - there is no birth certificate, there is no Jonathan Randall.” Tina already said this hours ago but I need to be sure, even she could be mistaken. 

 

“I canna understand, why would Frank lie?”

 

“Maybe he wasn’t lying.” Tina said carefully. I looked at her confused, she just said that there was no Jonathan.

 

“I dinna ken your meaning?” 

 

“I’m not psychiatrist but what if Jonathan is  _ Frank _ ?”

 

“Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?” Jeremy asked, he was obviously following this madness. “The only one who’s name is Jonathan, is Frank.” 

 

“Oh. Just explain already.” I said, frustrated, they were talking in riddles. 

 

“Frank’s middle name is  _ Jonathan.  _ what if he sufferers from schizophrenia? Has split personality?” Tina said and rolled her eyes, she clearly had this all figured out.

 

“What?” I wanted to scream at them for knowing that his middle name was Jonathan. They had wasted time by looking for a man who didn’t exist then.  What frustrated me more is I was losing my focus - that I didn’t know the simplest fact that Frank's middle name was Jonathan was my own fault. I wasn’t paying attention. But what Tina did say was starting to make sense. I had noticed a change in Frank when I was interrogated him before.

 

“We all saw it, the guy is crazy, he fucking laughed when you hit him and you know what they say:  _ one become a psychologist because one needed one.”  _ Jeremy said. He had watched the tape and seen when I hit Frank, he had tried to see if there was something we had missed. 

 

_ “ _ I have never heard that saying before.” I said low, getting angry and scared at the same time. Frank, that sick bastard who had been with my wife and daughter, wasn’t only crazy but probably dangerous. “Easy way to find out, I’ll just talk to him again.”

 

“What?! The Chief said that we were should let stay in there for awhile longer, have the other criminals scare him.” Jeremy sounded unsure, probably scared that I was going to hit the man again.

 

“Well, I think I can scare him more.” I replied, my mind slipping away, I was looking forward to talk to with Frank again, or maybe will it be Jonathan this time.

 

**8:59PM**

 

**J:** Is everything okay? 

 

I sent a text message to Claire while I was waiting for my coworker to get Frank back. I sat in the same interrogation room as before and Jeremy was standing on the other side, watching me behind the mirror. 

 

**C** : We are okay. Ellen is sleeping.

 

**J:** Good. I was thinking, would it be okay with you if we could meet tomorrow? I would like to see you and Ellen.

 

I felt nervous when I sent it. We were strangers now and I didn’t want to push it but I missed them already. It was hard to focus on something else. Three dots appeared, she was writing. I held my breath.

 

**C:** I’m not feeling so good. Maybe the day after tomorrow? Just need some time.

 

Disappointed and sad, I replied back. I didn’t want to push, but after our moment today, I had thought she wanted to be around me. 

 

**J:** Of course, if you need something don’t hesitate to call.

 

I put my phone back in my pocket. I heard voices from outside of the room, and quickly I changed into Big Red, needed to be someone else again. I felt the vibrations from my phone, Claire probably, but I couldn’t deal with that now. The door opened and Frank was escorted in by my fellow coworker, Sarah. I followed him with my eyes, tried to see if he was being just Frank. 

 

There weren’t medical records that implied that Frank had mental problems, we had checked that. He was clean. But I was still interested to see if Tina and Jeremy’s theory was true. Frank sat down in front of me, deja vu, the same grey room but was it the same man? 

 

I waited until Sarah left the room. 

 

“So, Mr. Randall. Are you still not going to say who the killer is?” I asked, still impressed how calm I could act.

 

“Uhm.” Frank was hesitate, sounding like he did before.  _ This is clearly Frank,  _ I thought while I looked at the pathetic thing of a man.

 

“Yes or no?” I asked, staring at him. 

 

“No. I’m not.” 

 

“Okay, but let’s change the subject for awhile then. Who is Jonathan Randall?”

 

“Like I said before, he is my cousin.” 

 

“Aye, you did say that. But there is no Jonathan Randall, we checked.”

 

“Maybe you are just bad at your job. That’s not my fault that you can’t do a simple task as a google search.”

 

“So, you are absolutely sure that Jonathan exist? When did you see him last?”

 

“Yes, I’m sure. I haven’t seen him for awhile but we talk.” Frank sounded honest, there was no doubt that he didn’t believe that Jonathan existed.

 

“Okay, what did ye talk about?” 

 

“We talked about my daughter...” Frank realized what he said, and to whom he said it to and he was quick.“She is my daughter in paper.”

 

“Has Jonathan met Ellen?” I wanted to kill the man,  _ she is my daughter. _

 

“No. He hasn’t.” Frank shook his head. 

 

“And Claire?” I asked, relieved by his previous answer.

 

“Once, the day of the accident.”

 

“But how is it that Jonathan hasn’t visit? This was your supposed family, didn’t you want them to meet?” I bit my tongue, I hated to play professional but I wanted answers.

 

“Where is Claire?” Frank asked, not answering my question. 

 

“Do ye really believe I’m going to tell ye that?” 

 

“I’m guessing that she probably is staying with you.” Frank observed my face, analyzing me. I didn’t moved a muscle but he started to smile. “Ah. She didn’t want to be with you? Is she with Geneva?” 

 

“There is nothing ye can say that is going to make me tell you anything.”

 

“Well. I can think of some things but if you say so, I’m not going to tell.”

 

“What are you saying?”

 

“Nothing, I’m just surprised that you let her stay anywhere else but with  _ you _ .”

 

“You know nothing.”

 

“Don’t I? I know Claire, hate it or not, Detective Fraser, she is my wife and I love her, but the woman has a mind of her own and she don’t take orders very well.” 

 

“ _ She _ is my wife, you can stop trying to convince yourself that she wanted to be with you in the first place.” I raise my voice. 

 

“Is she really? Does she remember you?” Frank was being calm, probably talking to me like I’m one of his patients. 

 

“Mr. Randall, if there is something you know that can jeopardize her safety, you tell me right now. If not, let’s continue.” Frank was getting in my head, I was losing focus, my mind was simply on Claire. It wasn’t Big Red questioning him, it was Claire husband, Jamie, who wanted nothing more then to protect her and that made me forget Lisa and Stefan.

 

“Like I said, I can’t tell you, doctor-patient confidentiality. But if I were you, I wouldn’t trust anyone. And that you  know nothing , just proves that your  _ wife  _ never trusted you to know.”

 

_ What is he talking about? What don’t I know?  _ I was confused, Claire never had secrets, I knew everything about her.  But then again, she had this whole other life before me - so maybe.

 

“We have been going through your list of your patients and it’s just a matter of time before we get a warrant to read what you have said about them.” I changed the subject away from Claire.

 

“Did I hit a nerve detective?” Frank raise his eyebrows in question.  _ Is this Jonathan?  _ I thought.

 

“You claim you love her, yet you won’t give me the information you know to keep her safe.” I said, hoping that he really did care enough to tell me.

 

“As long as Claire doesn’t remember, she isn’t in any kind of danger.” Frank said calmly.  _ What should she remember? _ He was distracting me.

 

“Is there a patient of yours out there who wants to hurt Claire? Is it the same person who killed Lisa and Stefan?”

 

“Yes and no.”

 

“You tell me right now!” I slammed by hand into table, Frank looked scared, he flung back but he didn’t back down.

 

“Let go of the charges. I can tell you everything you want to know.”

 

“I’m sick of this game, I’m never letting you free, you bastard! Give me the name and you can spend the rest of you time in jail knowing that Claire is safe, isn’t that what you want?” I screamed, frustrated that he was clearly withholding important information about Claire. I wanted to punch the answers out of him.

 

“Do your job. From what I have heard, you are a smart man. It’s not your fault Claire couldn’t confide in you. Even if I told you, there are higher authorities that has shut this dark secret down - there is no paperwork, no evidence that this has happened at all. The only ones who know is myself, my former patient, and Claire, who probably will never remember.”

 

I hate myself but I’m starting to rethink about letting him go. It was one thing that he was protecting the killer but he was actually holding information about Claire. I rose from my chair and started pacing in the room.  _ Am I really considering this? What if he is lying? I promised Claire that Frank is never getting out. No. What if Frank/Jonathan is the killer? No, I canna let him go. _

 

A small knock on the door interrupted my thoughts and Jeremy walked inside the room, followed by officer Sarah Holm.

 

“Fraser, I need you to come with me.” Jeremy said calmly but his eyes showed that it was something serious.

 

I looked over to Frank, I wasn’t near done. “Stay with Mr. Randall, I’ll be back in a second.” I ordered Sarah and walked out of the room with Jeremy.

 

Outside of the room, Jeremy looked anxious and waited until I closed the door behind me. “What’s going on?” I asked, afraid that it was something about Claire.

 

“We just got the call, they have found another body down in Brooklyn.”

 

“Is it our killer? 

 

“Yes, eleven stab wounds. It has to be. We need to go.” 

 

“That at least mean we can rule out Frank as the killer. Who is our victim?” 

 

“Not sure, there was no ID on the body but the victim is female, afro american. Just like Lisa.”

 

“Foster, you go down there now, I’ll stay here and finish up and I’ll come after.”

 

“You know he is messing with your head. Maybe we should switch, I’ll stay here and talk to Frank and you go down to the crime scene instead. I’m sorry but you are too personal invested, he is getting to you.” 

 

Jeremy was right, I was losing focus but that didn’t make it easier. I wanted to know more about the secret Claire supposedly had kept from me and I wanted to talk to Frank.

 

“Fine.” I answered, feeling more lost than before.  _ How many patients was involved, was it someone Claire knew too?  _

 

“Go. I’ll call later.”

 

“When you are done, I want to know where all the suspects we have were when this woman was killed.” I ordered.

 

_ Lisa’s boyfriend, David. _

 

_ The restaurant owner’s son, Daniel. _

 

_ Geillis Duncan and the man she claimed wasn’t there. _

 

_ Arvin Hodgepile. _

 

_ And Jonathan Randall. _

 

I started thinking about all the persons I had been suspicious about. Even though Tina and Jeremy couldn’t find anyone by that name, until Frank “transformed” into him, I couldn’t rule out that there was a small possibility that there was a man out there. 

 

I walked straight towards the elevator. This was getting more complicated by the minute, everything was very confusing. How could our killer be connected to Frank, what were the odds? I didn’t even get to question him enough, we only talked about Claire,  _ fuck I’m screwing this up. _ Jeremy was the better man to talk to Frank.

 

The elevator doors open and I walked down the parking lot towards my car and I remembered that someone had texted me seconds before Frank walked into the interrogation room. It was two missed text messages, both from Claire. The latest was sent just ten minutes ago.

 

**C:** Thank you for being understanding.

 

**C:** I changed my mind, I can see you tomorrow. Lunch?

 

I didn’t care what had changed her mind in the last hour, maybe it was her friend who convinced her or just that she just simply wanted to talk. I smiled either way.

 

**J:** I would love to. I’ll call you tomorrow.

 

Standing next to my car, I held my phone, waiting a second to see if she would reply. Three little dots appeared.

 

**C** : Geneva offered to take Ellen, I hope you don’t mind I wanted to talk alone. See you tomorrow.

 

I was both happy and disappointed, but I know I have all the time in the world to hold Ellen. I needed to lay focus on Claire, she obviously wanted answers or to talk without being distracted.  _ Fuck I haven’t told Jenny about Claire yet.  _

 

There was just too much going on that I hadn’t told anyone that I knew that Claire was alive. 

 

_ Later _ , I though, need to go to the crime scene first.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @JudyC1955, i loved what you wrote, and i hope you dont mind i put in this chapter ❤️ Just couldn’t stop laughing how much it fitted with Frank


	9. Chapter 9

There are five stages to handle loss.  _ Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance _ . I almost experienced them all, not particularly in that order, but I did experience them.

 

_ Denial.  _ That's what I did the first couple of days after Angus told me Claire was dead. I didna believed him, no, I didn’t  _ want _ to believe him. I woke up everyday thinking it was all a lie, just a horrible dream and then, I roll over to Claire’s side of the bed, my hands searching after her warm body but she wasn’t there. Each morning was greeted by a cold, empty space.  _ Alone. _

 

_ Bargaining. _ I begged to god for hours, screaming “ _ Take me instead, Give her back. _ ” Cursing the bastard for taking my wife.

 

_ Anger.  _ I blamed everyone. I blamed myself. I hated everything, but most of all, I hated myself. When I said I was close to burn down our house - I wasn’t lying. I actually stood outside with the matches lit in my hand, seconds away to throw it, thinking that there wasn’t anything worthwhile keeping in there. My life was already over and if I had the courage, I would have set that damn house on fire, stepped inside and let the flames take me, transform me into ashes and let me be reunited with her. But I was a coward.  Not of dying, no . I feared of being saved and then to go on and live a life even more miserable  than before .

 

_ Depression.  _ I was empty and self destructive, unable to move some days. It felt like my entire body was numb, so detached from emotions, that I was absolutely sure that if someone would to kick me in my stomach, I wouldn’t feel a thing. _ Many  _ panic attacks at night, even sometimes during the day, when I either dreamt of her or just saw something that reminded me of her. 

 

_ Acceptance. _ The only thing I truly couldn’t do. Instead, I moved away from Scotland, ran away from the place that once had been filled with so much love and I thought that the only way I could exist was to create Big Red. 

 

Big Red dinna have a wife, he couldn’t grieve someone he didn’t have. But he was also a masochist, not in a sexual way, but how he was driven by anger and pain. He is me, the alter ego I created to survive. The person I summon as punishment to myself everyday

 

**_4 December_ **

 

**_11:12 PM_ **

 

Down in Brooklyn, I wasn’t surprised that our third victim had been murdered in a more exposed and public place this time. The Nitehawk Cinema. The women’s bathroom. 

 

_ Either  _ _ the killer is getting braver or careless _ . I thought as I walked around  the crime scene. It was a large bathroom with nine toilet cubicles. Our victim was found in the one furthest away from the door. Fully clothed, sitting on the toilet seat, leaning against the wall. Blood spattered everywhere.  _ Brutal.  _

 

My phone buzzed and saw a text from Jeremy . He had continued the interrogation with Frank but he got nothing. Frank still insisted that we needed to take back the charges.  _ Bastard.  _ He didn’t utter a word. No sign of Jonathan.

 

“So what do you think happened?” I asked the female forensic whose name I couldn’t remember as she was taking photographs of the victim.

 

“My guess is that this woman was going to have sex with the killer in here, he stood in front…”

 

“How do ye know that it is a man who killed her?” I interrupted her. That was my guess too but I wanted to hear what she thought.

 

“I shouldn’t assume. But there are body fluids on her pants.” She pointed to a little white spot on the victim’s pants I would never have seen if she hadn’t pointed out. 

 

“I just thought that it came from the killer. That the victim was giving him, you know. And then the killer stabbed her in the back while she was doing it.” She said, sounding a little nervous that I was questioning her.

 

“Aye. But that would mean that we have the killers DNA?” 

 

_ The killer is getting turned on as he kills.  _ I thought and got nauseous. 

 

“I hope it’s enough, but we are going to swab her mouth, search for more DNA and evidence.”

 

_ Progress. _

  
  


**5 December**

 

**09:21AM**

 

I spent two hours at the crime scene yesterday, talking to witnesses, staff members and the woman who found our victim. 

 

Tina, our forensic specialist/computer hacker, of course, was brilliant as usual. She quickly found our victim in the system. Victim's name was  _ Deseree Holm,  _ Female _ ,  _ 24 years old, African-American, studying to become a nurse.  _ Poor lass. _

 

We didn’t find a wallet nor a phone but Tina managed to hack herself into Deseree’s phone. Don’t ask me how. And she found multiple text messages from, who I’m guessing is, our killer. 

 

The phone number, unfortunately, didn’t lead anywhere, probably a burner phone that the killer had thrown away after. There were no name exchange in the messages, just flirty texting and they had set up to meet at the Nitehawk Cinema one hour before Deseree was found dead. 

 

Judging by how they communicated with each other, they seemed to be strangers. Tina said that she found a dating app on Deseree phone and that she was going to see if she could access it. 

 

_ Maybe that’s how they got in contact? A Dating App. Is this how he’s going to find his victims now? Lure them out on dates, have sex with them and kill them.  _

 

All the suspects we had was being checked to see where they  were also members of the dating app at the time of  their respective deaths. 

 

Focusing back on the case,  the cleaning lady, Felicia Husk who found Deseree had been hysterical. I barely heard a word she said with all the crying and screaming. She was a hired cleaner, working for a cleaning facility called D&C (short for Dean and Clean). No connections at all to the victim nor our suspects. It left me more frustrated. 

 

_ Lisa Rollins, Stefan Fass, Deseree Holm.  _ Random killings? The women though - the resemblance was unbelievable.  _ Not sisters _ . We checked. But this means that he has a type.

 

At first, my thought was that the killer, maybe, was racist, but now, I don’t think that is the case. Now, I strongly believe that the killer was in love with Lisa and with Stefan, it was just him being high with the rush of killing someone. And now when we have Deseree, having set out an actual date with the man. I just know I’m right. I can feel it. 

 

_ Did the killer want Lisa and she turned him down? Was he jealous that she had a boyfriend? Is this an easy case with “If I can’t have you, no one can.”  _

 

Juggling this case while thinking of Claire was harder than I imagined. My job have been my first priority since she supposedly died but now all I could think about was her.  _ Lunch 11.30 with Claire _ . That was clouding everything. I wanted to see her so badly, just hear her voice. 

 

I sent her a text.

 

**J: I have a case I’m working on. Would you be comfortable with eating our lunch at this place called Sarafino, it’s one of my suspects restaurant.**

  
  


I’m not going to say to Claire that Frank has something to do with this case. But I wanted to check some things out. Lisa's boyfriend _David,_ he had an alibi. But I started thinking earlier if I should look into the restaurant again. His friend Daniel was shady, definitely hiding something. 

 

Before Claire’s accident, we did this all the time. We ate lunch at the hospital and discussed my cases. Claire was smart, way smarter than me, always giving me her thoughts and ideas and we looked at the evidence together. I used to joke and say that we should be partners, have her work with me. 

 

_ Maybe this will bring out some memories for her? _

 

**C: No problem. Are you still picking me up?**

 

**J: Yes. I’ll be outside 11:30.**

 

**C: See you soon.**

 

-

 

Claire had dreamt of Jamie last night, nothing special really, just his face. His kind loving face. It made her feel all sorts of confusing emotions and as strange as it was, she felt an emptiness when she woke up.  Her hand flitted  to the spare room next to her in bed. It was supposed to be filled with something,  _ someone _ and,  alright(!), she wanted Jamie there.

 

_ What is this? How am I so caught up in him already. No - Not already, still -.  _ Technically they had been together for years, married  even.

 

Yesterday was slowly, very slowly beginning to feel okay. Sure she had questions, mostly to Jamie but even to Frank. But the thought of speaking to Frank was still making her sick to bones.  _ Can’t. Not yet. _

 

Claire had at first thought of listening to Geneva’s advice -  to keep her distance to Jamie and just let this mess sink in. But the more she thought of not seeing him, the more it pained her. So, she ignored Geneva’s advice and texted Jamie.

 

Claire had wanted the three of them to be together and just have a “normal” day to get to know each other. However, when Geneva offered to take Ellen and suggested that she and Jamie talk alone, it sounded like a good idea. 

 

Claire knows Geneva is just overprotective when it comes to Ellen and that she only offered because she is unsure of Jamie - not his intentions but the fact the he was a stranger to all of them. 

 

But this is Claire’s life, her daughter and her decision. Jamie is Ellen’s father and he deserves to have her in his life. Geneva’s kept insisting and said “Why are you rushing it? Ellen is still young. Isn’t it better that you get to know him a bit better and then you take him  _ here _ to see her. Not saying that he can’t see her now but you just met him  _ yesterday _ Claire. Just take this slow.” Geneva was acting defensive and went on and on.

 

And in the end, Claire agreed. It wasn’t so bad to have  _ one _ lunch alone with Jamie, to talk without being distracted. 

 

Ellen would be fine with Geneva.

 

**11:22**

 

Jamie was going to pick her up any second now and it was stressing her. Claire was sitting in the living room. On the sofa, breastfeeding Ellen. 

 

From the very start, nursing had been easy but today, of all days, Ellen was fussing, screaming and pushing her breasts away. 

 

“Oh love, come on.” Claire said low, trying, yet again, for Ellen to eat.

 

Claire was getting worried that Ellen could feel how stressed she was. Or could that Ellen knew that she was going to leave.

 

Her maternal instincts was screaming that something was wrong but she tried to reassure herself that she was being ridiculous. Of course, Ellen couldn’t know but still, this was going to be the first time she would leave Ellen behind. 

 

The screaming became worse.  _ Is she teething?  _ Claire wondered, laying Ellen next to her on the couch.  _ No _ , Claire saw no sign of teeth on the way. Her exposed breast started aching as Ellen continue to scream. 

 

“Ssh...It’s  _ okay _ baby.” Claire took Ellen in her arms again and got up from the couch. 

 

As she started swaying, hoping rocking would do the trick, she started hearing a female voice in her head, singing.

 

“ _ Oh! I do like to be beside the seaside. I do like to be beside the sea...!” _

 

That song. That voice. Claire started crying. 

 

“ _ Oh! I do like to be beside the seaside, I do like to be beside the sea _ .” Claire started singing it herself, a song she had forgotten and now, she slowly was starting to remember. 

 

Ellen slowly became quieter, her scream reduced into wimping noise until she stopped all together. Ellen looked up at Claire with her big curious blue eyes and Claire smiled.

 

“I maybe don’t remember how she looked like. But your grandmother sang this to me.” Claire said, with unsteady voice, feeling both sad and happy at the same time. The voice. She knew it was her mother’s voice she had heard. 

 

_ Progress. _

 

_ - _

 

**_11:51_ **

  
  


I was late. But I had a good excuse, not that I was going to say why to Claire. 

 

I was walking down the street earlier today and I stopped outside this flower shop. There was one particular flower that caught my eye - Daisies,  _ Claire’s favorite. _

 

I have said it once, maybe even twice. I am not a romantic guy, but for Claire, I would to anything. Especially now when I needed to win her back.

 

Without thinking, I walked inside and bought a big bouquet of daisies. It was a simple act, I thought,  just a simple as the flowers she had  _ loved _ so much. 

 

They reminded me of her. The simplicity,  _ Yellow, shining as bright as the sun. White, just as pure as Claire. _

 

I placed the bouquet carefully in the passenger seat next to me. The joy I felt when I looked at it was a sign of hope that I, maybe, could become a better man by just loving her. 

 

The problem came when I parked outside of her house. 

 

_ Doubt.  _ What if she doesn’t appreciate it. 

 

_ Fear and insecurity.  _ What if she becomes angry and thinks I am trying to push her to remember. That she will be mad if she can’t remember what kind of flowers she had loved before and feels that I am being to forward. 

 

_ No, I canna give her those. _ I thought, laying the bouquet in the backseat. Needing to put them out of sight them, I covered the flowers with my jacket.  _ Concealed and hidden.  _

 

It was December,  the temperature was  getting colder each day. It was freezing outside but my hands were sweaty. My heart was racing with anticipation to she her again and I knocked on the door. 

 

“Mr. Fraser.” It was her friend, Geneva. There was something in her eyes that was upsetting, how she was watching me. The cop in me said that she was hiding something but I shook that feeling away. This was someone Claire trusted, her only friend.  _ Let it go. _

 

“Miss Dunsany.” I replied as politely. “Is Claire ready?” I asked, hoping that she would reappear with Ellen. 

 

“Ellen needed to sleep, Claire will be down in a minute.” Geneva answered cheerfully.

 

“Aye.”

 

“So, you are a detective?”

 

“I am.”

 

“Isn’t that exciting? Almost feels fitting that your life now has turned out to be an actual crime scene.” Geneva let out a small giggle.

 

Shocked, I just stared at her.  _ Seriously.  _ How could she be making jokes about this.

 

“No, it isn’t existing. I dinna want this to happen and would easily trade my life for it not to. And my profession, if that would have helped...” I snatched back at her.  _ Stupid woman. _

 

“Yes, of course. I wasn’t implying…I’m sorry.” Geneva apologized, trying to sound like she was remorseful, but it dinna reached her eyes.

 

“Hi,  _ Jamie _ .” Claire’s presence lightened my mood. She was wearing a black trench coat.  _ The Lass still can handle the cold.  _ I thought, smiling. 

 

“Hello,  _ Claire _ .” I really couldn’t hide how happy I was to see her. 

 

“I’m sorry that Ellen couldn’t stay awake. I can imagine you wanted to see her.”

 

“Aye. Maybe I can see her later?” I asked, hoping that I could met them after work.  _ Twice in one day. _

 

Before Claire could answer Geneva jumped into our conversation.

 

“Claire and I have plans later but Mr. Fraser, you are welcome another day.”

 

I ignored Geneva and looked at Claire. She wasn’t looking that happy either by Geneva’s comments. 

 

“Shall we go Jamie?” Claire asked and looked back at me.

 

“Aye.”

 

In the car. We drove silently but it didn’t bother me, her mere presence was enough. I tried to focus on looking at the road but I couldn’t help myself and turned my head to look at her. 

 

“I remembered something today.” she said softly .

 

“Oh, you did?” I answered, hopeful that it was something important.

 

“I was trying to sooth Ellen earlier. She was crying and suddenly I heard a voice singing in my head. I’m absolutely positive that it was my mother.”

 

“That’s amazing, Claire.”

 

“It’s something. I don’t want to get to over excited but  I feel  this is a step in the right direction.”

 

“It is.” I wanted to scream for joy but Claire didn’t seem as happy like I was. I tried to remember to keep my cool. “How are you feeling?”

 

“Still overwhelmed but it’s starting to feel better. I thought about this all night, barely slept at all.” Claire paused. “I want to explain myself, Jamie. Why I said I needed time.”

 

“No, Claire. I understand, it has been what, 24 hours since we met yesterday. I have admit that I was surprised that ye changed your mind about seeing me.”

 

“That makes two of us. I thought I needed time away from you.”

 

“And now?”

 

“I don’t know. But I know the answers isn’t space. I want to know everything I have forgotten and the only time I felt like anything made sense was when I was with you.”

 

The knot I have had in my stomach, slowly, started resolving into relief. I wanted to cry again but instead of letting the tears fall, I forced them away and took a deep breath.

 

“And how about you, Jamie? How are you?”

 

_ Awful. Terrible, absolutely gut wrenching terrible without ye. Nothing is okay until ye are mine again. To not have ye and Ellen...I am dying.  _

 

“Better...” That wasn’t a lie, but I canna say how much it pains me to not have her.

 

“I don’t believe you.”

 

Claire had always been the one with the glass face, I could always tell how she was feeling by just watching her. Seems Claire can do the same thing.

 

“What do you want me to say, Claire?”

 

“The truth. I can’t have you lying to me. Too many lies has been told already.”

 

“I can’t say more than I have already said yesterday and this isn’t about me.”

 

“It isn’t? Are you not my husband? Are you not the one who said you never going to give up? On me, on us? This is about you too and that means you have to say how you are feeling, the truth.”

 

“The truth...” I started thinking what to say. If I told to much, I would probably never stop talking. Just hearing her refer to me as her husband was making me deeply emotional. 

 

“Yes, the truth.”

 

“I’m scared. I have never been this scared in my life…” I admitted.

 

_ Silence _ .

 

“You know..” Claire took a deep breath. “I missed you yesterday.”

 

“You did?” I said low, trying to hold my shit together.

 

“Yes. I have dreamed about that red image almost every night since the accident but  yesterday , I dreamt of you. It wasn’t a memory, just your face. It woke me up and I missed you. Isn’t that something?” Claire let out a beautiful little laugh.

 

_ Oh Claire. What I would give to kiss you right now. _ I knew what she was doing, she was telling me this to reassure me, trying to ease up my fears by saying that she had missed me. 

 

“I missed you, too.” 

 

I turned my head slightly and I could see that she started to smile, almost looking shy when I said it.

 

_ Christ. You look as you beautiful as you did the night on our first date. _

 

Outside of Serafino, we parked the car at the exact place I had parked when Jeremy and I were here a few days ago.

 

We got out of the car and I walked around to the sidewalk. Claire was staring at the store window on the other side of the road, the store where I saw her the first time and fainted.

 

“I can’t imagine how it was for you to see me...” Claire looked distant. Sorrowful.

 

“I thought I was becoming mad. I recognized ye and I couldn’t stop my legs from walking. Your hair, how ye stood. There was no doubt that it was...but even though I was sure, I couldn’t understand how.”

 

“And now we know...” 

 

“ _ Aye _ .” 

 

The hatred I felt when I thought of the man who took my wife, Frank, was making my hands shake. I couldn’t control it.

 

“Jamie?” Claire looked at me and she was saying something else, but I couldn’t hear her. I just heard Frank laughing in my head, or maybe it was Jonathan, who cares. 

 

Hands on my cheek slowly made me regain consciousness. Claire stood close in front me, her hands forcing me to look at her. I clenched my jaw.

 

“Jamie? Come back.”

 

I heard her now, but I couldn’t speak, couldn’t move, paralyzed. I felt her hands cupping my face, caressing my cheek. Her  right hand moved down and she placed it over my heart and I closed my eyes. 

 

“Come back to me, Jamie.” she whispered.

 

“I canna breathe.” I managed to say, my voice betraying me. 

 

“Just look at me. I am  _ here _ .”

 

I opened my eyes. Claire’s hand was still on my cheek and the other one over my heart.

 

“Just focus on me. I got you,  _ baby _ .”

 

_ Baby. _ Claire’s pet name, a name she sometimes used to call me. I swallowed hard, searching her face to see if she even noticed  or know what she just had said. 

 

I opened my mouth, I wanted to say something, anything, but nothing. There was only tears escaping from me and Claire wiped them away, one by one. 

 

Maybe it was that she was touching me and that’s why I forgot. Each stroke of her fingers sent out electrical shocks and my body started trembling with agonizing ache. How desperately I needed her.

 

We looked deep into each other’s eyes. I could feel that her hand on my face was shaking a bit too. I leaned down, so very slowly until my forehead was against hers. 

 

Both breathing so fast, eyes still locked. 

 

Claire took away her hand and took a step closer, making our bodies met. Without thinking, or maybe it was old reflexes, I wrapped my arms around her, pressing her even closer, if that was possible, and the entire world disappeared.

 

“Jamie..” Claire whispered, our mouths so close and I breathed in the air she let out while saying my name.

 

_ Mo nighean donn. _

 

“If we don’t let go, now, I’m afraid was going to happen next.” she said.

 

“Do you want me to let go?” It took all the willpower I had to ask. If I could decide, I would stay exactly like this forever. 

 

Claire leaned her head back. She looked into my eyes, then her eyes wandered down my face. I didn’t dare to move. Her right hand that had been between us, safely over my heart, moved upwards until she had it on my cheek again.

 

I didn’t understand what she was doing, and even less so when she closed her eyes. Her thumb brushed over my lips, slowly, from one side the other. 

 

“I don’t remember.” Claire opened her eyes, they were now filled with tears. “I can’t remember..” she said again. 

 

Claire shook her head and took a step back. Away from me.

 

_ Too much, too soon. You are an idiot!!  _ I screamed inside to myself. 

 

We watched each other, both crying. 

 

“Do you need to remember?” 

 

“Of course I  _ need _ to remember.” Claire said irritated, rolling her eyes.

 

“Aye, I understand that you  _ want _ to remember… I just mean, do you need to remember how it  _ feels _ .. how I feel.” I was rambling, not getting this right.

 

_ Deep breath. _

 

“Forget that I am someone ye can’t remember, forget that we have a past. Take away everything that is making this hard on you. If ye pretend I am nobody, not your husband and this was just us, two strangers. Would you want  _ me _ ?”

 

“You know I do.” 

 

_ Fucking hell. Relax, don’t get too excited.  _ I thought, needing to force myself not to smile.

 

“And if you never will remember, how would you know if…” 

 

“If I don’t what?” Claire said, knowing exactly what I meant.

 

_ “Can  _ ye stop? Let me talk.” 

 

Claire maybe doesn’t remember, but this is exactly how she acted when we fought. Getting all riled up, interrupting me. Making me forget that she wasn’t suffering from amnesia, just my annoying know-it-all wife who I loved but also made me crazy.

 

“I know that I was taking this to far just now, I know that I was pushing. But I’m not going to change my mind about this. And no, before you get upset all over again, of course, I dinna mean that you should kiss me now. I’m only saying that there is a chance that ye never will remember, so instead of trying to remember me, just live this  in the now . See this from your  new eyes, not the old Claire’s.  _ She is gone…”   _

 

“ _ She is gone _ …” I repeated and swallowed hard, realizing what I just had said and looking at her through my tears, feeling my heart was both breaking and healing at the same time.

 

_ Acceptance _ . At last.

 

“I’m standing right here...” Claire said.

 

Without thinking, too consumed with how I was feeling, I started walking over to Claire. She got a little startled by my sudden movement and she took a step back. I stopped in front of her. Her eyes wide, wondering, and searching.

 

“I ken ye here. I just meant that I accepted that  _ she  _ maybe not is coming back. That  _ you,  _ new Claire is here.” I placed one of her curls that had escaped from her bun, behind her ear. “But I love ye Claire. That’s not going to change.” 

 

Claire searched my face, not in recognition and I was afraid that she was going to get mad at me for getting in her space but I couldn’t help it. 

 

“And now what?” She whispered, moving closer. 

 

We stood close again, my heart pounding in my chest. Waiting. Wanting. 

 

“I dinna ken.” I answered nervous. 

 

“Smooth.” Claire teased. 

 

“I have never been good at that.”

 

“No?”

 

“No.”

 

“I guess that was me then.”

 

Claire fingers ran through my hair, pressing herself closer and every cell in my body started pounding. She closed her eyes,  closed the distance between us  and our lips met - crashing into each other. 

 

I had expected it to feel like it had before when we kissed, that it will be the same, but it wasn’t. This was a first, _ new. _ She opened her mouth , giving me access and our tongues met, deepening our kiss, harder.  Things escalated quickly and were  both desperately exploring  each other . My hands roaming over her back, pressing, wanting her closer.  Hers wrapped around my neck bringing us impossibly closer.  I forgot that I was supposed to take this slow.

 

The cold wind was blowing in our faces and it felt like it was nature’s way to say that our love was  not fleeting but transparent and uncontrollable. I fell in love with Claire all over again.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	10. Chapter 10

The only explanation Claire had to describe how she felt when she was kissing Jamie for the first time - _the first time she could remember, at least_ \- was that it felt like she was struck by lightning.

 

It struck her so hard in a way that she couldn’t breathe, didn’t want to breathe, but just be consumed by the overwhelming feeling of Jamie. It was as if an electric current shocked through her entire body all the way into the core of her soul.

 

It scared her at first - she thought she was going to die, that her heart was going to burst -  but the lips of the man she somehow already knew she loved, saved her. Over and over.

 

_Oblivion. The world ceased to exist._

 

Nothing about this seemed familiar - she still didn’t recognize or remember him - but it didn’t matter. Deep down, her heart and soul knew him even if her brain can’t and that was more than enough reassurance for Claire that this was the right decision.

 

They say that lightning never strikes twice in the same place. _But now it has._

 

-

**12.21PM**

  


“ _Claire_.” I said her name, incapable of saying anything else out loud. Our foreheads leaned against each other, arms wrapped around each other, holding each other tightly.

 

 _You are the reason I would climb every mountain and swim every ocean._ _I would do anything and everything_ _just to be with you, mo ghràdh._

 

For a moment, my world stood still as it tried to recover from what happened just a few seconds ago. I held my wife in my arms once again and I could feel the tears rising up again. _Dear god, will I ever stop crying for this? Probably not._

 

 _“That_ was..” Claire said low, breathlessly.

 

I started to smile for I knew exactly what she meant because I was feeling it too. Both of us just out of words for nothing could explain this kiss, this moment. Or at least, words weren’t enough to convey those feelings.

 

“Was it always like this?” she asked.

 

“Yes.” I said with tenderness but conviction. If Claire only knew of how much we couldn’t get enough of each other.

 

“I guess that it isn’t that bad to..” Claire paused.

 

“What is?” I asked as I leaned my head back. I looked into her eyes, unsure what I would find.

 

I saw her take a deep swallow but seemed to have arrived in a decision to tell me otherwise. Her lips twitched to a small smile as she gathered the courage to speak again.

 

“To fall in love twice. Be given a chance to feel this.”  

 

My breath hitched. _Did I hear her right?_ I can hear my heart race faster against my chest and I’m sure she can too as much as I can feel hers.

 

“Are ye falling, _mo ghràdh?_ ” How I have longed to say it, to call her ‘my love’ again, at the same time, I had to ask, to be sure.

 

“I’m already at the bottom, standing, with my feet shaking, at the deepest depths. And I am _ready_.”

 

_Je suis prest.._

 

“Ready for what?” I asked, my voice shaking, trying to control myself to not cry of happiness.

 

“To love you, _again_.”

 

Before the tears fell from my eyes and I could reply, she wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me down to her lips for a soft kiss. By some miracle, she finally decided to let me in and I am more than happy to enter the door. This is my redemption from life and I am not going to waste this given second chance.

 

**12.41**

 

Claire’s stomach rumbling was the perfect disruption to our intimate moment. We both laughed and just the fact that we could do so, now, genuinely, was the best feeling in the world.

 

“Take me to lunch, James Fraser” she ordered and I led the way. I took her hand and started to walk to the restaurant.

 

This time, Sarafino was filled with guests. Claire and I sat at a small round table in the corner, surrounded by people who were already eating - not that I saw them - because I only saw her, _I only see her_.

 

Traditional custom is that you sit across from each other but just as I was about to pull the chair for her, Claire requested that she sit down next to me.

 

It was a Italian restaurant, so, they both ordered the today’s special pasta dish, Spaghetti Alla Puttanesca. It was tomatoes, olive oil, garlic, olives, capers and sardelles. It also happens to be Jamie’s favourite.

 

“So detective. What’s your case about?” Claire asked as soon as the waitress got their orders and left.

 

“Not sure I want to tell you _all_ the horrible details.”

 

“Come on, tell me.” She pushed. I looked at her to see if there was anything else beyond simple curiosity - there wasn’t and she simply, just really, wanted to know.

 

I told Claire, discreetly, about Lisa, Stefan and Deseree. She sat there, taking it in, quietly listening, nodding here and there. I didn’t mentioned Frank. Just the basic information and about the suspects.

 

“So, _why_ did you want to come here again?” Claire asked.

 

“Honestly? Please don’t get mad.”

 

“Can’t promise that.” she raised an eyebrow to me.

 

“Well, the reason I wanted to bring you here was because I need your help.”

 

“My help?”

 

“Aye.” I paused and took a deep breath. “Frank has admitted that one of his patients is the man we are looking for.”

 

“Frank? Is he in this? Who is the patient?”

 

“Aye. We don’t know. He won’t tell us. So I thought…”

 

“That I maybe would recognize him? Being Frank’s secretary…” Claire finished the thought.

 

“Aye. I’m sorry.”

 

“No. No don’t apologize. I’m happy to help. You need to stop that man before he kills again.” Claire gave me a reassuring smile. I released a breath I didn’t know was holding.

 

Claire went on to eating her pasta as casually as she could make it look. “Okay, you said that you are suspicious about the owner of this restaurant son. Daniel Giovanni?”

 

“Aye, Daniel. He is friends with the first victim’s, Lisa, boyfriend.”

 

“Daniel what? What’s his last name?”

 

“Daniel Douglas.”

 

“Hmm. Neither of the names seems familiar. But didn’t you say that both of them were having dinner _here_ at the time Lisa was killed?”

 

“Aye, I did. But you can alter with time stamps. Even I can do that.”

 

“So you think they are covering for each other?”

 

“Ach, I dinna ken. Just frustrated with it all.” Jamie took another swig of his pasta.

 

“What if we drive to Franks office?” Claire thought.

 

“What are we supposed to do there? I dinna have a warrant for that yet.”

 

“Well, I’m an employee. Technically, still his wife. I can do whatever I want.”

 

“You are a clever lass. But I can't let you do that. I can't have you so close to this investigation than you already are. I'll try and get the warrant for that.”

  
”Jamie, I really want to help. If a little red tape will get you the killer faster. why not? Frank's not at the house or office anyway, is he not?"   
  
"No, but -”   


"Then, there's no danger." She said firmly. "Plus, you're going to be there. I'll be safe"  
  
Jamie relented. She was right. It might take a while to get a warrant and Frank was in jail. Also, Claire might already have an idea what we're looking for. It'll save hours of doing through useless paperwork.   
  
"I guess we can do that."

 

“We need to get my keys first.”

 

“Sure, where are they?”

 

“Unfortunately, they are in my old place. Frank’s house.”

 

“Are sure you can go back there Claire? I dinna want you to...”

 

“Hush now, we have to. If Frank has written down something important, we need to find it.”

 

Jamie forgot how much of a spitfire Claire can be when she’s persistent but then he also remembered it’s one of the things he loved most about her.

 

“Alright. Let’s eat first, aye? We canna catch killers on empty stomachs.”

 

Claire laughed and her hand moved from the table down to mine, our hands intertwined and hidden under table.

 

Since our kiss, my body seemed to realized how long I had been alone. But I was awake now, aware of everything, especially how long it had been since I had been with Claire. I swallow hard as images of Claire’s naked body invaded my mind and it’s making my cock hard and aching; Add just thinking about what happened minutes ago when I was holding her, touching her.

 

_Fucking hell, not now._

 

I let go of her hand, uncomfortable, moving a bit on my chair, thinking of a way to hide my erection. I placed my hand on my leg, hoping it would cover up a bit.

 

I felt Claire stiffen in the abrupt loss of contact. I knew she tried to hide her disappointment but her glass face betrayed her.

 

 _“What_ is it _?_ ” Claire asked bravely and concerned, probably noticing how awkwardly I was behaving. I just hoped she wouldn’t look down.

 

“Nothing.” I said, not without blushing.

 

“Jamie? Honesty remember?”

 

“Claire, I promise ye. I will always be honest with you. But I canna say. Not now.”

 

“You serious? I was uneasy and I kept fidgeting, trying to find a comfortable position. “Stop it.” Claire said, What’s going on?”

 

“I…no, we can talk about that later.”

 

“Jamie!”

 

“Christ, woman! Let it go.”

 

“Stubborn Scot! Just tell me.”

 

_Silence._

 

Claire raised her eyebrows in question, waiting for me to speak. I sighed and leaned towards her and stopped close to her ear. It took a second before I knew how to say it.

 

“Ehm. It’s been a long time since we… erm touched. And my body seems to _react_ in a very improbable way.” I whispered and leaned back again.

 

Claire was silent and I couldn’t bring myself to even look at her. I was blushing and my face was probably matching my hair.

 

_Ah Dhia._

 

All of the sudden Claire burst out laughing uncontrollably and I looked at her, both embarrassed and amused, at the same time. To my surprise, she moved her chair closer.

 

“I’m flattered by your… _response_. Please don’t take this the wrong way but I really thought something awful happened.”

 

Claire’s laugh died and she wiped some tears in her eyes and went back to her food.

 

“Well this is awful. Canna be on a restaurant with..”

 

“A bloody boner?” Claire teased low. Her lips straightened trying not to laugh.

 

“Aye. And it dinna help that ye came closer.” I admitted.

 

My own lips turning into an grin, her smile was contagious. _Ah lass. You will be the death of me._ A deep rumbling laugh escaped me, the first genuine laugher since we parted one year ago. It felt good to feel alive again.

 

 _“_ I’m sorry, I can move.” Claire said as she made no effort whatsoever to move.

 

“Dinna bother. It canna get worse.”

 

“Well, this escalated quickly, don’t you say? Technically we just met, like yesterday and now here we are acting like teenagers.”

 

“To my defense.” I paused, not sure how she would feel if I said it, yet again, that yesterday wasn’t the first time we met.

 

“To your defense. You already know how I look like? That’s what you were thinking?”

 

“I’m sorry Claire. This must be..” I felt embarassed but at the same time, glad that she somehow knew what I was thinking.

 

“Well, we are _married_. I’m not a prudent person and I guess I wasn’t before either.” Claire interrupted.

 

“Canna say that ye were, no.” Both of us started laughing again, both aware how awkward and comforting it was to speak so freely.

 

“Can we please change the subject?” I asked.

 

“We can, but don’t think I’m going to forget this just because I am suffering from amnesia...” Claire nudge me with her elbow and I was reeling with joy that she was taking this embarrassment so lightly. That she was acting the same as she always had. “You want to talk about your family? Tell me something about them.”

 

“Can we talk about Ellen instead?” I asked. Telling her about my own dead parents and about my sister who I had mistreated this last year was not the best conversation right now. _Shame_.

 

“I’ll tell you everything you want to hear.” Claire was radiant, glowing as she was beginning to talk about our _daughter_. “Ellen was born on the 2th of August…”

 

**2 August 2018.**

 

**01:57 AM**

 

_“Frank.” Katie tried to wake him up._

 

_“What Katie?” Frank answered sleepy._

 

_“My water just broke.” She said calmly._

 

_That got his attention. Frank reached out and turned the lights on. The left side of the bed where Katie was sleeping was wet. There was a big puddle between her legs and Frank’s eyes widen._

 

_“Are you in pain? What can I do? Should I call the hospital?” Frank asked hysterically._

 

_“Calm down. My contractions are 7-9 minutes apart, we have time. I just want you to help me get out of bed so I can clean up.”_

 

_“Of course, darling.” Frank jumped out of the bed and ran to her assistant._

 

_Katie asked Frank to clean up and change the sheets and she walked, no - wobbled out of their bedroom. As she walked down the small corridor leading to bathroom, she needed to stop and breathe. Her stomach was getting hard and this contraction was hurting more than the one she had experienced earlier._

 

_“Ahhh..” Katie started breathing heavily and placed her hand against the wall to support herself._

 

_Katie had been awake for the last two hours. She clocked every contraction, hoping that it was go time. She was nervous and excited at the same time. She didn’t want to wake Frank if it was a false alarm but when her water broke she knew it was for real._

 

_Contractions. It felt like being stabbed with hundreds of small knives, over and over again._

 

_Katie managed to take quick but painful shower. Her contractions were coming closer. But before she walked out of the bathroom, Katie stood in front of the mirror, above the sink. Looking at herself, this was the last time she stood there as plain, old Katie Randall._

 

_The next time she was going to see herself in this mirror, it didn’t matter that she couldn’t remember anything or what her name was, because she would have a new purpose in life - to be a mother._

 

**_05:39AM_ **

 

_“Katie, how can I help?” Frank pleased. His irritating voice made everything worse._

 

_“I need you to back the hell away from me.” She screamed as the next contractions started to build up._

 

_“Ahhh!!!”_

 

_Frank looked hurt but did as told and backed away. She didn’t care that he was sad, she was busy having a baby. She screamed again, leaning over the bed. The epidural had helped but not enough. She was scared, it hurt too much, and she was only dilated eight centimeters._

 

_“Katie. Love. Just breathe..” Nurse Molly said softly, massaging her lower back, trying to ease the pain._

 

_Molly was a young, red headed, Irish woman. Her sky blue eyes felt trusting and comforting and she was the only one Katie tolerated and allowed to touch her._

 

_“Molly. Just cut her out. I can’t take this anymore.” Katie screamed. The all consuming pain was driving her of the edge._

 

_“Breathe, she is almost here. You are doing great.”_

 

**_6:24AM_ **

 

_10 centimeters._

 

 _Frank stood in the corner,_ _still_ _keeping his distance as she had ordered_ _an hour earlier_ _and Molly stood beside her, holding her hand._

 

_She wanted to give up, It felt like she had tried every single position to try and push the baby out but nothing had helped._

 

_She had tried to sit on this low ridiculously looking stool that looked like a wooden toilet-seat - Nothing. And now she stood on all fours, screaming and pushing - still nothing._

 

_Katie was starting to panic. She was too tired, weak and exhausted._

 

_“Katie. Do you want to try and lay on your back?” The doctor asked. “I understand that you are tired but I think it will feel much better if you lie down.”_

 

_Katie nodded and cried, unable to talk with the all consuming pain she was experiencing. The contractions, the baby’s head pressing and being so low down Katie was afraid she was going to crush her if she moved. With help from Molly, they managed to turn her over to her back._

 

_With sweat pearls on her forehead, tears running down her cheeks, her feets up in the air, she felt how her body started contracting and she screamed. “Come on Katie, push.” The doctor encouraged her. “One more.”_

 

 _She gathered whatever strength remained inside her and grunted._ _“Ahhhhhhh!” It felt like her entire body was burning and being ripped apart._

 

_“Her head is out, just two more and she is here.” The doctor kept on encouraging her, motivating her._

 

_It worked. Katie took one deep breathe, Molly held her hand, squeezed lightly, ensuring her that this is it, that she was doing great and she pushed._

 

**_6:38AM_ **

 

_Release._

 

_A moment of silence._

 

_A baby’s cry._

 

 _Her_ _sound_ _, filled the room and she forgot all about the struggle and the pain._

 

_“Congratulations, mama. It’s a girl.” Molly said and Claire started crying._

 

_“Who is going to cut the umbilical cord?” Dr Raymond asked, looking back at Frank. He was standing immobile far away on the other side of the room._

 

_“Molly.” Katie choked out, all eyes on her baby._

 

_Molly squeezed her hand again, this time in gratitude. She let go of Katie’s and and walked over to Dr Raymond. She took the little scissor and in a second, Katie and her newborn child was separated for the first time._

 

_Katie watched them, mesmerized, as Dr Raymond walked over to her. He placed the little baby in her arms. Ten tiny fingers, ten adorable toes and the smallest little mop of brown hair._

 

_Her daughter._

 

_Absolutely perfect._

 

_The empty void was filled. It didn’t matter that she had no memories. The two blue eyes who was staring into her own in this exact moment was the only thing she wanted to remember._

 

_And she found herself crying again, holding the only one who truly knew the sound of her heart beating from the inside._

 

_She was fulfilled and she knew everything was going to be okay. It was the two of them now._

 

_“What’s her name?” Molly asked, looking down on them smiling._

 

_“Ellen Faith.”_

 

-

 

“She was so small, she only weighed 2903g, 48 centimeters.” Claire was overjoyed as she told be about the day Ellen was born.

 

“I wish I could have been there..”

 

“You know...I never thought of it before but I think now, when I know about _you_ , I think that I felt so safe with Molly because she was so familiar, that my subconscious probably thought she was the female Irish version of you.”

 

And I was overwhelmed, again. Tears streaming down my face. It was of happiness and love. But I had a hard time with dealing with the anger I also felt - that Frank the bastard had been there and not me. But hearing about the lovely Nurse Molly, who so kindly took care of Claire during birth made me try to see this in a new perspective.

 

 _At some point, it really doesn’t matter, Ellen is my daughter._ I thought and tried to focus on the good things. _Claire and Ellen, safe here with me._

 

“I’m grateful that ye had someone, that everything turned out okay.” I clenched my jaw. “But what about Frank. What did he say, when Ellen was born?”

 

“Not much at first, but when he finally walked over to us.” Claire paused and looked distant into thin air, trying to remember I thought. “I think he was relieved.”

 

“What do ye mean?”

 

“I don't know but I remember I thought he acted strange, he was so nervous and uncomfortable but I just thought that’s how new fathers were. Well now.. I think he was just relieved that Ellen wasn’t a redhead.”

 

“Ah. Would have been hard to explain that one.” I joked, the smile couldn’t have looked sincere. I felt low as we talked about Frank and everything I had missed.

 

“Jamie. _You_ are Ellen’s father and you are going to have all the time in the world to get to know her. I know this is much for both us, Christ, we experienced more emotions that could have been for a lifetime in 24 hours. But Frank is gone, we are here.”

 

I smiled and looked at my wife. “How do ye do that? How do you know when and what to say the exact right words.” I asked. She had done it again, said exactly what I needed the hear. This was Claire, my Claire. Always putting everyone’s feelings first.

 

“Instinct, I guess, and I can see in your eyes how much you are hurting...” Claire found my hand again and smiled. “And Detective Fraser, your poker face is absolutely dreadful, if you are like this at work...”

 

“No lass, right here and right now, with ye - I canna be anything other than Jamie. My walls break down, I have nothing to hide.”

 

Claire looked down on our joined hands, my thumb brushing over her knuckles. “I wonder if it’s always like this. I mean this is crazy, how I feel when I’m with you. How it doesn’t matter that I just found you yesterday. It’s old and new at the same time. When I touch you…”

 

“You just know...”

 

“ _Yes_.” Claire said, breathlessly.

 

The world disappeared around us again. Claire licked her lips and my heart started beating faster. The attraction was undeniable and we moved closer like magnets, we couldn’t help it.

 

 _Vibrating sound._ Claire blinked and turned her head. Her phone was vibrating on the table. It was Geneva calling.

 

“Hello.” Claire answered the call. “She’s awake? Okay but I think there is more in the freezer. Just…” Claire paused. “Okay. But do you want me to come home? Alright, bye.”

 

“Is everything okay?” I asked when she hung up.

 

“Ellen is cranky..”

 

“I’ll drive you home.”

 

“I’m sorry but I think it’s for the best. Geneva said that she accidentally spilled out all the milk I had pumped out this morning. She said that it wasn’t urgent but that I should come home soon. If we leave now, I have time to get Frank's notebooks at least.”

 

“Of course, we canna have our lass hungry.” I said and smiled to reassure her. I wanted her to know that Ellen _always_ came first.

 

-

 

**1:53PM**

 

We drove to Frank's house, it was in a nice neighborhood in Brooklyn - a fitting place to raise a child, I thought as I waited for Claire to come back.

 

We had talked about going to his clinic first but Claire said that Frank had stack of books in his office at home. If he truly was thinking that his patient was a danger to others and still didn’t say anything before, it probably was because it was a special person to Frank.

 

Claire said that he had two old patients, who were currently living in the States but had been living in England before. She was absolutely positive that it could be one of them.

 

I had called and updated Jeremy and said that I was going to drop Claire off and then come back to the station.

 

My fingers were playing on the steering wheel. I don’t like that she was in there, especially alone. But Claire, the heroine, always so brave said that she needed to do it by herself.

 

How strange it all was, how every dot fitted together. Claire mysteriously appears, “married” to the man who sits on information about the killer on my case. What if is just that simple now? Life in general? That Claire will be mine again and the books will tell me who the killer is.

 

That would be amazing.

 

My thoughts were interrupted when I saw Claire walked down the stairs from her - no, from Frank's house. She was carrying a big grey suitcase and a brown paper box. I was quick to get out of the car to help her.

 

“There are some more boxes just behind the door. There was so many of them all but it’s only one patient. It has to be our guy, right?” Claire said.

 

“I hoped so. I can get them.” I said and walked up the stairs, my stomach was reeling and I hated that I was even going to be this close to the home where they had lived.

 

I looked down on the ground, focusing on the snow under my shoes. I didn’t want to see how the house looked like and I bent down and grabbed the two boxes. I was quick to move down to the sidewalk again and Claire was standing by the open car door, leaning into the backseat, putting her things in.

 

“Is this for me?” Claire asked, holding the flowers I had forgot was hiding back there.

 

“Aye, I wasn’t sure… ehm.”

 

“ _Daisies_ , my favorite.” Claire said, absolutely shining with that smile on her face.

 

 _Still her favourites…_ I tried to hide the excitement, she still loved them.

 

“Thank you Jamie.”

 

-

 

**2:17PM**

 

During the entire car ride back to Geneva’s house, Claire held onto the flowers in one hand and mine with the other.

 

“William Buccleigh. That’s the patient's name.” Claire said before burying her nose in the petals of the daisies.

 

“And ye found books that went back eight years?”

 

“Yes. He has apparently been seeing frank since he was a kid. I read the first pages of each book to make sure it was the same patient files. Frank has never spoke about him with me and it says a lot when you think about it. They must have developed some kind of relationship over the years. Ahh! I just can’t believe that Frank is seriously trying to blackmail you by withholding viable information that can save lives.

 

“It’s all going to change now and this is all thanks to you, Claire. If this William is the one we have been looking for, you are the one who solved the case.”

 

“I’m just glad I can help.”

 

We stopped outside of Geneva’s house and I turned the engine off. It had started to snow again. The snowflakes landing on the window frame, surrounding us and shielding us from the outside world.

 

“I wish we could had more time at the restaurant. Am I being to forward if I ask for another meal?” I asked, suddenly sounding polite and nervous.

 

“Too forward?” Claire laughed. “I must say that we have crossed the line already. But don’t you have to work?”

 

“Aye, you are right!” I chuckled, remembering our passionate kiss and my embarrassment at the restaurant. “I just would love to see Ellen.”

 

“How about this. I can ask Geneva if I can borrow her car and I’ll bring take out to your place and bring Ellen with me. I can be your partner tonight and we can go through Frank’s notes together. Or am I being to forward now?”

 

“You can be as forward as you want to be, lass. I just don’t want to push you into anything.” I sounded casually, but I was screaming with joy on the inside.

 

“I want to.”

 

“Alright, let me know if you’re coming tonight.”

 

“I will. Bye, Jamie”

 

And then she went out of the car and up the stairs to the front door. We gave each other one last wave before she entered. When I was sure that she was safe inside, I composed myself and readied to head back to the station.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Always fun to hear your thoughts, feedback and who you suspect. Thanks for reading. Love xx


	11. Chapter 11

**5 December**

 

**15.00**

 

Back at the station I walked directly to Jeremy’s desk. There were too many of Franks notebooks to carry up so I left them in the car. Best to read them at home later. This day was going into the record as the best day in years. Lunch with Claire had been incredible, almost too good.

 

“How did it go?” Jeremy asked. My first reaction was how irritated he sounded.

 

“Dinna want to jinx it, but I think we are progressing. Claire gave me tons of Franks personal notebooks, we are going to go through them later. There is a patient called William Buccleigh, Claire thinks he is someone we need to check into.”

 

“Okey. So your wife is calling the shots now?” Jeremy said with a bitter tone.

 

“Are we having a problem Foster?”

 

“No.” Jeremy looked around the office. “I just find it extremely convenient.” 

 

“What is?”

 

“That your wife reappears and just hands you this viable information that just happens to be fitting perfectly into our case.”

 

“Jeremy what are ye in implying?” I asked, this was not how he normally acted.

 

“I don’t know but Just think about it. Frank her husband..”

 

“Franks is  _ not _ her husband.” I interrupted him, I was beginning to get irritated myself.

 

“Alright. Calm down. Frank, her  _ fake _ husband, is connected with our killer, he is his fucking therapist for god sake and Claire just hands ju the evidence that can solve this case. She has been brainwashed for a year. We have no idea what Frank have been telling her. I just don’t think it isn’t professional to have your wife this close, especially now when Frank is involved too, this is beginning to get too personal invested for all parties.”

 

“Are ur hearing what are ye saying? Do you think that Claire has something to do with the killings? Are ye daft?” I said and this time I raised my voice, in warning.

 

“I don’t know. Trust me, I really don’t want to say this but this is a serious matter, we can’t have civilians.”

 

“Claire is my wife, she is not a civilian to me.” I interrupted him again. 

 

“That’s my point. You are blinded by all this, I’m afraid you are not seeing the bigger picture.”

 

“What bigger picture?” I asked, he was sounding irrational.

 

“That we have three dead people. Someone is lose out there killing people and instead of being out there, searching, you are having long lunches with your wife, who is telling you to look into this man, William Buccleigh. What if Frank has tricked her into this, said that if he ever gets caught she needs to distract the authorities with this William.”

 

“You are being ridiculous Jeremy. Claire has given us something we can go after. Just stop acting childish and grow up. I canna understand what’s going on in your tiny brain at the moment but hear me now. Frank has been seeing this patient, William for years, since he was a child. They are so fucking close that this William has moved from England to America, probably because Frank did. I don’t know if ye are just plain stupid or jealous about Claire having better ideas then ye have. I don’t care but this is the bigger picture Jeremy, we had absolutely nothing and now we do.” 

 

I know that Jeremy is usually a smart man and I tried to ignore his attitude but this was not like him and it was very disturbing that he was this unsensitive regarding Claire, he of all people should know better. 

 

“How are we sure that Claire actually has lost her memory?” Jeremy said low.

 

“Why are ye still questioning Claire? Are ye fucking serious?” I stared him down, he was getting into dangerous water.

 

“Fuck, I don’t know. But someone has to ask these questions.”

 

“No. This is ye taking it too far, one more thing about Claire and I will hit ye so hard that ye too are going to suffer from amnesia. You and I are partners and I respect ya. But I’m warning ye one more word.” 

 

“Fine, I take it back. Fuck! I’m sorry. I’m just so frustrated.”

 

“We are all frustrated. But ye canna seriously believe that Claire has something to do with this. I can promise ye, she is definitely suffering from amnesia. Ye didn’t know my wife before but she is the worst liar in the world. I know she is innocent and that she is telling the truth. Are we clear?”

 

“Yes.” 

 

“Good. Now, what did ye found out?” 

 

“Ehm. David and Daniel were, yet again together and that’s ringing red flags. They said that they were at Daniels place at the time Deseree was killed.”

 

“Of course they were. And Geillis Duncan?”

 

“I don’t know, I couldn’t get in touch with her.”

 

“So why are ye here?”

 

“I was waiting for you.”

 

“You can go by yourself? I have like hundreds of pages to read. I’m trusting my gut feeling that this William is the man we are looking for.”

 

“And what happened with Arvin Hodgepile? Are you not going to see him?” Jeremy asked as I took out my phone.

 

I wanted to text Claire and ask if she still wanted to come, but I hesitated, what if I’m too much again? I decided to wait and call later.

 

“James?” Jeremy asked, irritated again that I wasn’t listening.

 

“No. I canna see how he fits the picture.  Frank has hidden these books in his house not at his office, they were obviously important enough for him to hide so that’s where I’m going to focus on first, if I canna find anything, then I’ll pay a visit to Arvid.” 

 

“By the way, The Chief wanted to talk to you.” Jeremy said.

 

“About what?”

 

“Nah, I don’t know. just that it was urgent.”

 

-

 

“How was your lunch?” Geneva asked Claire when she closed the door. It almost felt like an ambush.

 

“It was good, really good and I have decided to give this a chance.” Claire answered cheerfully and took Ellen out of Geneva’s arm.

 

“Hey baby. Are you hungry?” Claire said loving and gave her daughter a soft kiss on her forehead. Ellen laughed at that and Claire walked over to the couch. She had been so caught up in Jamie that she hadn’t noticed how full her breast was, they were aching now. 

 

Claire unhinged her nursing bra and to her delight, Ellen didn’t complain nor struggled like she had earlier and started eating right away.

 

“So it was  _ that _ good then?” Geneva said and sat down next to her.

 

“We kissed.” Claire admitted and started blushing. 

 

“That was.. ehm.”

 

“Fast, I know. But Gen I couldn’t help it.”

 

“Why are you talking this so lightly Claire? You are careless and as your friend. Please take this slow.”

 

“I don’t want to take this slow.” 

 

“So that’s it? 24 hours and you are prepared to abandon everything.” Geneva looked hurt and upset. 

 

“I’m not abandoning anything.” Claire looked down on Ellen. “Jamie is my husband and if I hadn’t been in that accident I probably would have been with him either way. Why are you upset? Don’t you want me to be happy?” Claire asked, this time she was the one who looked hurt.

 

“Of course I want you to be happy! I’m just scared, for your sake.”

 

“Geneva. It’s hard to explain it but it’s like, I got lost in him and it was the kind of lost that was exactly like being found.” Claire looked at Geneva again “And now when he drove back to work it feels like I’m lost all over again. I need to be with him.”

 

“What now? Are you going to back up your stuff and move?”

 

“No of course not. I’m going to take one step at the time but I know that we belong together. It’s simple like that.”

 

“Simple… What if he was a terrible husband? The day of the accident you said that you were on a boat, what if you were trying to get away from him?”

 

“He loves me Geneva.”

 

“Are you willing to risk it all, risk Ellen. You don’t know him!”

 

“Why are you doing this?” 

 

“Because I  _ love _ you. I would do anything and beyond to keep you and Ellen safe.” Geneva said.

 

“As my friend, I need you to support this, support me Geneva. I stood by you in the worst time of your life and now when my life has fallen apart, I need you to do the same.”

 

“As your  _ friend _ , it’s my obligation to question this. I’m only saying what you don’t want to hear. We don’t know this Jamie, we have no idea how your life was together. Our foremost priority should be Ellen.”

 

“Jamie is her father, he isn’t going to endanger anything by getting to know her. You are acting delusional and you are sounding crazy.”

 

“Don't you dare call me crazy…”

 

“Then stop acting like it. This is my life and my decisions.”

 

“If anyone is acting crazy it’s you. You have been through something extremely traumatic and the first thing you do is to go out and kiss strange man..”

 

“Enough, Jamie is not a stranger and no I don’t remember anything but I know, I would never have stayed in a domestic relationship.”

 

“And you call me delusional..” Geneva spat out. “You stayed with Frank. He maybe never hurt you physical but you always said that you were unhappy.”

 

“That’s true, but that was Katie. And now when I have a glimpse of happiness you are trying to ruin it.”

 

“Don’t I have a say in this?” Geneva asked.

 

“No. Not if you are going to behave like this. Jamie has done nothing to deserve this.”

 

“Yet.” Geneva said furiously and walked out of the living room.

 

Claire looked down on her daughter who was still unaware of what was going on, thankfully still eating. 

 

Claire couldn’t understand what Geneva’s problem was, she should be happy for her. It was just a kiss, okay maybe not one but still this was something that made her feel alive for the first time in a long time regarding something that wasn’t about Ellen.  _ Why is she acting like this? _

 

-

 

**15.20**

 

“You wanted to see me Chief?” I asked when I walked into Martin Lang’s office. He was sitting behind his desk, buried in paperwork.

 

“Yes. Well it pains me to say this but I needed to suspend Tina.” Martin answered, he looked concerned and I could tell that he was tired.

 

“Why?” I asked confused. 

 

“I got a phone call, it was someone from the British government. Apparently Tina has hacked into their confidential files, but they managed to shut her down before she got into deep. I have spent the last three hours trying to convince them to not press charges.”

 

“But why was she…”

 

“I asked her that exact question.” Martin interrupted me.” And Tina said it was for you. Fraser you don’t get to use her for your personal gain.” 

 

“I wasn’t.” 

 

“No? Then who is Geneva Dunsany and how is she connected with your case?”

 

“She isn’t..” I answered. I had forgot about that.  _ Why was Tina hacking into the British government?  _ I asked myself.

 

“I gave you permission to do whatever it took to catch the killer but that never meant you could use that for personal investigations. This Geneva Dunsany is the daughter of a very powerful man in England.”

 

“Aye I know, but this was for my wife and daughters safety, I just wanted to make sure they were staying with someone trustworthy.”

 

“I looked at Geneva’s record and she is clean, isn’t that enough. I understand Fraser, believe me. But I am warning you, there are higher authority’s watching  _ now _ and they have their eyes on you.” Martin paused, a hint of fear displayed in his face. “I’m even more sorry to say this. I have to release Frank today.”

 

“What? You canna be serious!!!” I said furiously, slamming my fist onto his desk hard.

 

“This is no longer my decision Fraser. I’m sorry but Frank has the information we need and your personal vendetta is getting your mind clouded.”

 

“Personal vendetta? That man kidnapped my wife! He is dangerous!” 

 

“I know and I am sorry, but he never harmed her physically you said so yourself. The killer needs to be our first priority now.”

 

“What is wrong with everyone today? I not going to let ye do this. That man should rot and die in jail.” I was screaming now. 

 

“Fraser, you have two choices. Let this go or I need to suspend you too.”

 

“If ye let that man go.. ye can fire me right now.” 

 

“I really don’t want to fire you. Fraser please be reasonable, if Frank gives us the name you can arrest the killer. Why would you throw away your whole career.”

 

_ Reasonable.. Did he just say that? Corrupted bastard. _

 

“Why am I surrounded by idiots! I would do far more things to keep my family safe, ye hear me? This job is  _ nothing _ compare to them. Frank is a sick man and if ye let him out.. I don’t know what he is capable of.” My hands were shaking with anger. “Chief, please give me more time. I have evidence that may find the killer without his help.”

 

“I’m sorry. But this is not my decision anymore. They are questioning him right now. We have already signed for his release.” 

 

Without saying anything else I left his Office and slammed the door shut. My colleges looked at me with both surprise and fear written all over their faces. Jeremy was fast and ran after me as I made my way down the hall, towards the interrogation rooms. 

 

“Fraser! What happened?” Jeremy said behind me. 

 

“They are letting him go.”

 

“Frank? Why?”

 

“They are scared..” I spat out. 

 

We stopped outside and I tried to opened the door but it was locked.  _ Damn it, _ I kicked the door the hardest I could _. _

 

_ “Fuck!!” _

 

I moved to the window next to the door. Frank was looking in my direction. They obviously couldn’t see me, but they must have heard when I tried to opened the door. Frank was talking to my colleague Sarah. I needed to hear what they were saying. I pressed the button on the dashboard. 

 

“And what’s his name?” Sarah asked Frank. And I wanted to break the window, get inside to stop them.

 

“Daniel Giovanni.” Frank answered calmly.

 

I observed Franks face, tried to see if he was speaking the truth or not. But that man was hard to read, I couldn’t tell. 

 

“It canna be Daniel, he is lying. Daniel isn’t even his patient, this doesn’t make any sense.” I said and looked at Jeremy, he nodded in agreement. 

 

“What are you going to do now?”

 

“Wait.” I answered short. 

 

“For what?”

 

“I am going to wait until they are done and then I’m going to strangle Frank.”

 

“Fraser, you can't.”

 

“Watch me..” 

 

Jeremy was smart to not argue with me after his little stunt earlier when he question Claire’s intentions and now combining with Franks release, if someone even touched me, I would kill them all. 

 

“Detective Fraser..” Frank said my name and that got my attention. “I need to be sure that I’m free to leave without his interference.” Frank tried to sound a bit scared but I heard that hint of arrogance in his voice, he was acting.  _ Lying son of a bitch. _

 

_ “ _ I can assure you that if your information is correct, you are free to go and nobody is going to stop you.” Sarah replied.

 

“Good. How long do I need to wait?” Frank asked and looked at the clock on the wall.

 

“Just waiting for confirmation sir, there are officers on their way over to Daniel Giovanni’s apartment as we speak.”

 

My fingers was drumming the dashboard in front of me. I wanted to press the button that aloud me to speak with them in the interrogation room. Eyes focused on Frank and I wished he could see me, that he could see the wrath that he was going to face. It felt like we had stood there waiting for hours. 

 

“How did this happen? Why are they doing this?” Jeremy asked, sounding equally upset as myself.

 

“Apparently, someone has ordered Martin to do this, they dinna care that the man has kidnapped and held my wife hidden for a year.”

 

“This is insane..what are we going to do?”

 

“I dinna ken..” 

 

_ Corrupted bastards, all of them. _

 

“But you can’t be seriously thinking about killing the man?”

 

“Of course I’m serious. What kind of man do ye take me for? This man hurt my wife.”

 

“What about Claire? And Ellen. You will be arrested. You need to take care of them. Please don’t do this...” Jeremy pleaded, almost begging me.

 

I clenched my jaw. Jeremy was right.  _ But how can I let just let Frank go.  _ I started pacing back and forth, furiously trying to make up my mind.  A phone started ringing, the sound came from inside the interrogation room. “ _ Hello _ .” Sarah answered her phone and I walked back to the window.

 

“He is what? Can you please repeat that officer.” Sarah looked confused and shocked. I desperately wanted to know what was going on. “Okay, bye.” Sarah hung up the phone.

 

“Mr Randall. It seems like you are telling the truth about Mr Giovanni, but unfortunately.. he was found dead in his apartment. They found a note, confirming everything you just said.”

 

“So I am free to go?” Frank answered, he didn’t even flinch when he heard that Daniel was dead.

 

“In a minute..” Sarah got up from the chair and walked out of the room.

 

I knew she was going outside to check on me but I couldn’t look at her, traitor, every single one. I continued to watched Frank and he acted casually, making me fore frustrated and pissed.

 

“Detective Fraser.” Sarah said nervously “I have to let him go now and I need to you to confirm that you will let us pass…unharmed.”

 

Sarah wasn’t that big, there was no way she were going to be able stop me, not even with Jeremy’s help. I knew that and they knew that. It would take a fucking army to stop me if I got my hands on that bastard.

 

“Think Of Claire.” Jeremy pleaded again.

 

I looked at him, then at Sarah. Both of them was on the edge.  _ Fuck!!!! _ I swore to myself. If I let Frank walk I will break my promise to Claire. I had promised her that frank would  _ never _ get out. 

 

“Is Daniel dead?” I asked through gritted teeth. 

 

“Yes. They’ve found him hanging from the ceiling. Been dead for approximately two hours. He had left a note, confessing that he had killed all three of our victims.” Sarah answered.

 

“I dinna believe he did it.” I stated. My head started to spin, everything was wrong. 

 

“Detective, will you let us pass?” Sarah asked again.

 

“Aye.” I spat out and she nodded. “I canna watch this shit.” I said and walked past her and Jeremy. 

 

-

 

**16.48**

 

I had walked directly to my car after I left Sarah and Jeremy outside of the interrogation room.  _ Frank is released. The bastard won. _

 

I drove straight to Geneva’s house. I needed to talk to Claire and tell her the news. But when I parked outside, I couldn’t bring myself to get out. It felt like I had failed her once again, failed as a policeman but worst of all I had failed as her husband. 

 

“Fuck!!” I screamed and hit the steering wheel the hardest I could, over and over again.

 

Red Jamie was long gone after my lunch with Claire, I had no walls to hide behind and I couldn’t stop crying.  _ How I’m I supposed to tell her this.  _

 

I stayed in my car until my eyes was puffy and there were no more tears left to cry.

 

**17.03**

 

I took a deep breath and knocked on the door. 

 

“Hi Jamie” Claire looked happy when she saw me and that just broke my heart. But it didn’t take long before she realized that I had been crying and her smile faded.

 

“Hey. Can I come in?” I tried to sound normal, but probably failed.

 

“Yes of course. Come in.” 

 

I followed Claire into the house and closed the door behind me. No Geneva nor Ellen in sight.

 

“So what are you doing here? I thought you were going to call and I would come to you?”

 

“Claire.” I started. “I don’t know how to say this. Are ye alone?”

 

“Geneva is in the shower. We can talk in my room if you want? Ellen is taking a nap there.”

 

“No, I dinna want to disturb the lass, the living room will be fine.”

 

We sat down next to each other on the couch.  _ Just say it. _ I thought, but nothing came out.

 

“Jamie? What is going on?” 

 

“Frank is out..” I forced the words out. 

 

_ Silence. _

 

“Why?” Claire said low, after what felt like a eternity.

 

“He gave us the killers name. I couldn’t stop it, this was my bosses orders. I’m so sorry.”

 

“So.. he is out there  _ now _ ?”

 

“Yes. But I promise Claire, I will never let him come close to you. Ever.” My promises probably sounded weak and untrustworthy to her but I tried to look as sincere as I could, I would never fail her again.

 

“How can you make such a promise Jamie? I know this isn’t your fault but you can’t stay with me 24 hours a day. You have a full time job.”

 

“Fuck my job. I can quit.”

 

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

 

“I’m not kidding, I don’t care, I just want you and Ellen to be safe. You are my first and only priority.”

 

“But Frank  _ loves _ me, he will never hurt me.” Claire said and I closed my eyes. 

 

“I ken he loves ye in some fucked up way, but that don’t change what he did.” I tried to keep my cool but I failed again.

 

“Of course not. But I just want to reassure you that I’m fine, we are safe here. Frank will never dare to come here and he will expect you to be here.”

 

“Then I should stay here. Make sure you are safe.”

 

“What? Stay here?”

 

“Aye. Why not? With your permission of course”

 

“No Jamie.”

 

“But I need you to be safe Claire. I canna lose you  _ again _ .” 

 

Claire took my hand into hers and moved closer to me on the couch. I was thinking of a way to keep her safe and I just felt worthless. 

 

“What’s going on here?” Geneva enter the room, her hair was wet and she was only wearing a towel. I was quick to look away. 

 

“Jamie just came by to tell me that Frank is released.” Claire answered, taking a firmer grip on my hand.

 

“Oh.” Geneva’s said, surprised. “Why?”

 

“That’s not important, the problem is that Jamie is worried about my safety.” Claire said.

 

“You are safe here with  _ me _ . I have a gun and  _ know _ how to use it.” Geneva said.

 

“I hope ye have a licenses for it.” I said and looked at her, I know I sounded rude but I really don’t like this woman and the fact that she of all people owned a gun was not something I approved. At all.

 

“I have.” Geneva obviously didn’t like me either, she looked at me like I had killed her dog or something. “Claire we don’t need a  _ man _ to protect us..”

 

“Geneva..” Claire said.

 

“What?” 

 

“Can you give us some privacy? Please.”

 

Geneva sighed and took one more disapproving look at me and left.  _ What is with that woman! _

 

_ “Jamie _ ..I’m sorry. I don’t know why she is acting like this.”

 

”Ach, dont worry about it, she is probably upset that I am trying to steal ye away.” I tried to joke and Claire smiled. Her hand still in mine.

 

“But seriously Claire, what do you want me to do?” 

 

“I’m guessing if Frank gave you the name of the killer that means we don’t have to read the books I gave you?”

 

“I don’t think he gave us the right name.” I admitted.

 

“No? Who did he say did it?”

 

“Daniel Giovanni, the restaurant owners son. But convenient for Frank, Daniel was found dead in his apartment.”

 

“Oh no. That’s horrible.” 

 

“Aye. Daniel confessed in a note.”

 

“So you don’t think it is real? That the killer is still out there?”

 

“Frank said that he knew the killer, that it was a patient of his but Daniel wasn’t his patient. So why did he suddenly say that Daniel did it? Because he is still covering for the real killer.”

 

“Do you think it’s his friend? What was his name? Douglas?” Claire asked.

 

“David Douglas. I don’t know, maybe. Honestly, I don’t care right now.”

 

“You don’t care? How can you not care? Jamie! If you are right, there is still a killer out there and he is definitely more dangerous than Frank.”

 

Claire was right. The killer was still out there, but she and Ellen was my first priority. What if Frank shows up?

 

“I can’t leave you here…” I said.

 

“I will be fine.”

 

“I know you don’t really know me, but I need you to stop being the stubborn lass I know and love. I am serious I won't leave ye alone.”

 

“You have a killer to catch. You are the one who is being stubborn now.” Claire teased and smiled. But I didn’t smile back this time.

 

“Please.” 

 

“What do you want? Stay here?”

 

“I understand if you are uncomfortable with that but if I can’t stay, please just let me have someone outside. Just so I know that you and Ellen are safe.”

 

“Someone outside? Who?” Claire asked.

 

“Jeremy. That’s the only one I can trust. Or I’ll just sit there myself.”

 

“But you two need to find the killer. Why Is this so hard for you to understand. I am a grown woman Jamie, I can take care of myself. Thank you very much.” Claire was starting to get irritated with me, but I honestly I didn’t care, she was too brave for her own good. Claire let go of my hand.

 

“Claire..” I pleaded when she left to couch.

 

“I don’t need you or Geneva to protect me. This is ridiculous, I can take care of myself.” 

 

_ Okey now she is mad. _

 

“I know ye  _ can _ . But how am I supposed to look for the killer if I’m constantly worried about ye?”

 

“I can make you a deal. Alright?” Claire said and I nodded. “You can stay  _ one _ night and tomorrow morning you go out and you find him.”

 

“Just one night?” 

 

“Yes, take it or leave it Jamie.”

 

“And what happens if I canna find him…”

 

-

 

**17.39**

 

After Geneva stormed out of the living room she hide nearby behind the door so she could hear what Claire and Jamie was saying. 

 

This wasn’t going as she had thought and now with Frank out of jail, there was someone out there who knew what she had done.  _ What if he tells someone? Oh god what if he tells Claire the truth. _

 

If Frank told Claire, she would never speak to her again. Geneva panic when she thought of losing Claire again,  _ No! I have to make sure Frank doesn’t talk.  _ She had succeeded in “blackmailing” him before but that was when Claire was Katie. 

 

_ But what about Jamie?  _ Geneva thought, he was her biggest problem, Claire was already falling for him - again. He was also a cop and that wasn’t in her favor. 

 

Geneva wanted to kill him when she listened to them talking.  _ Oh Claire, please let me stay.  _ Geneva roller her eyes _ \- no he needs to go away.  _

 

“Don’t be ridiculous Jamie.” Claire said. Geneva had missed what they were talking about, she was busy trying to come up with a plan. “You can sleep in my room, you don’t have to guard the door.”

 

Geneva was shaking with anger.  _ Is he going to sleep here now..in her room. _

 

“In your room?” I don’t want to intrude. No. I’ll sleep outside.”

 

“You are ridiculous.” Claire said and Geneva could hear them whispering to each other. She tried to hear but the whispers transformed into kissing sounds and Geneva saw red.

 

_ Claire is mine, you can’t have her.  _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like it.

Claire was Geneva’s first, In everything.

 

Claire was her first real friend, they met at the playground when they were six years old. Geneva was with her nanny Freida, an old bitter woman who came from Dublin and Claire was there with her mother Julia.

 

They shared their toys and they just instantly became friends.

 

Being the daughter of the wealthy Lord William Dunsany, the prime minister. Geneva had her whole future already planned out, she was supposed to attend a Private school called Langston and get a proper education.

 

But after meeting Claire, Geneva desperately needed to be were she was. It wasn’t easy to persuade him, especially not for being a six year old but she managed to squeeze out some fake tears, told her that she wanted to be with “normal kids” and looked at her father with the saddest and biggest puppy eyes she could mustered. He said no and Geneva got one of her tantrums. Geneva screamed non stop for two hours until her father agreed and she started first class in public school with Claire.

 

That was the beginning of the greatest love story of all times, that was according to Geneva at least.

 

With the year they grew closer Claire and Geneva came into the golden years of almost being teenagers. By the time when they were 12 years old, they may looked alike with their brown wavy hair and brown eyes but their personality and family conditions they were the opposite of each other.

 

Claire was smart and funny, everyone wanted to be friends with her and she had two wonderful parents who loved her. Geneva on the other hand struggled with school and nobody really liked her. Geneva tried to make friends but everyone called her spoiled brat behind her back, but in the end she didn’t care because she had Claire.

 

Geneva’s mother and father were cold and distant, they never really seemed to care what she was doing. They often attended luxurious parties in the middle of the week and her father often flew away on “business trips” but that was just another word for “taking your lover to Greece.” Her mother, Louisa never seemed to mind, she was busy on her own with the tennis instructor or that the Brazilian pool man when her father was away.

 

Being an only child, Geneva felt lonely and Claire’s parents noticed that. Henry and Julia always invited her to stay for dinner and never said no when Claire asked if Geneva could sleep over, her own parents never even called to see were she was, assuming she was already with Claire.

 

Being at the Beauchamps made Geneva see life in a different way, that it didn’t matter how much money you had as long as you had each other. They were a real family and Geneva wanted nothing more then to be a part of it. She loved them all.

 

**_3 November 2001_ **

 

_They were standing in Claire’s kitchen and Geneva was about to go home._

 

_“Geneva do you want to stay for dinner?” Julia asked her._

 

_“No. I don’t want to intrude, I just came by to pick up my history book I forgot.” Geneva said, polity as she always was._

 

_“Gen, stay! We are ordering pizza.” Claire said, cheerfully, already holding the phone. “I can order your favorite with pineapple.”_

 

_“That’s your favorite.” Geneva said and laughed._

 

_“You can’t fool me, I know you love it too.” Claire winked and laughed as well. Without waiting for Geneva to agree to stay Claire started dialing the number to the pizzeria. Geneva put her backpack down on the floor and sat down by their kitchen table._

 

_She was thankful that they asked her to stay today of all days, her mother had said earlier that she was having a migraine and that Geneva needed to be quiet and let her rest. This was much better then have to eat her dinner alone. Oh how she loved the Beauchamps. Sometimes Geneva wished that they just could adopt her, everything would be so much better._

 

_“Mama. Me and Geneva are going to my room, let us know when the pizza arrives.” Claire said and grabbed Geneva’s hand, almost dragging her out of the kitchen and into her room._

 

_Claire's room, the place they had spend hours of hours gossiping and whispering secrets to another. Geneva’s favorite place in the whole world. And where the magic began._

 

_Claire had posters all over the walls, covering almost every inch of the pink wallpaper beneath. It was multiple posters of boy bands, 98 Degrees and Backstreet Boys mostly. Claire had a major crush on the lead singer Nick Lachey and she talked non stop about them, Geneva on the other hand never cared for that kind of music but she pretended to like them._

 

_“What is it?” Geneva asked excitedly. Claire was sitting on her bed with the biggest smile ever._

 

_“You are never going to believe me, Tom asked me out!” Claire said and almost looked hysterical._

 

_“He did? What? When?” Geneva asked, confused and she wasn’t as happy as Claire was._

 

_Tom Bradley was the cutest guy in their class, with his bond long hair and his brown eyes, every girl in class was mesmerized when they saw him. Even Geneva thought he was cute and she wasn’t that pleased that he had asked Claire out. Geneva loves Claire but she was sick of always standing in her shadow, she was popular with the girls and the boys._

 

_“I was standing by my locker and Tom asked if had read the Harry Potter books. And I said of course. But casually, You know how much I love those books.”_

 

_Claire kept on going and Geneva wanted to sink into a black hole. “And then! He asked if I wanted to go with him to the cinema and see it. WITH HIM. ALONE”_

 

_“Oh. Wow. But are your parents okay with that?” Geneva asked, she tried to look happy but she was so jealous. She had never been on out on a date, Fine they are twelve but still she was jealous._

 

_“Well I kind of lied and said that you and I are going. Is that okey?”_

 

_“Yes of course.” Geneva lied and she walked over to Claire’s bed and sat down next to her._

 

_“What if he wants to hold my hand? Or what if he kisses me.” Claire smiled and looked like she was imagining it. She placed one of her pillows in front of her, hugging it._

 

_“Have you ever kissed a boy?” Geneva asked._

 

_“No, wouldn’t I have told you that.”_

 

_“Maybe you should practice then? So you don’t suck.” Geneva laughed, feeling a bit satisfied that she had done something Claire hadn’t._

 

_“Are you suggesting I should make out with my stuffed animal?” Claire laughed again._

 

_“You can practice with me. I can show you have you do it.” Geneva offered._

 

_“That’s the best idea ever!”_

 

_Claire moved closer and both of them started laughing. “Okey just pout your lips and close your eyes.” Geneva said and Claire nodded._

 

_When Claire closed her eyes Geneva leaned in and kissed her. It was different from kissing Simon, the thirteen year old boy she had kissed when she was at the country club with her father a few months ago. That was the only way she could describe their quick little kiss, different._

 

_“Well, How was I?” Claire didn’t looked embarrassed or taken by it at all._

 

_“You were alright, just don’t eat any garlic and you will be fine.”_

 

_Geneva felt a bit flushed and she tried to look away, what was that? She thought, but was interrupted when she heard Claire mother shout from the kitchen._

 

_“Girls. Pizza is here.”_

 

_Both of them got up from Claire’s bed and walked towards the kitchen, hand in hand and still giggling. There were four pizza boxes stacked on the table and two cans of soda. What an incredible Wednesday this turned out to be. Geneva thought._

 

_After they had all finished eating their dinner. Geneva saw that Henry and Julia looked at each other strangely, Julia nodded and Henry looked at Claire._

 

_“Claire I have some news to share.” Henry started and Geneva had feeling that this news wasn’t any good. “ I have been promoted.”_

 

_“Congratulations dad!” Claire said. She got up from her chair and walked over to Henry and gave him a big hug._

 

_“Congratulations Mr Beauchamp.” Geneva said and somehow got jealous again. They really had this loving connection as a family and Geneva once more wished she was a part of it._

 

_Henry worked as an engineer, Geneva wasn’t really sure what he did but she was glad that he was successful at his work._

 

_“There are some benefits, I will get a big fancy office..” Henry paused. “But the conditions are that we have to move.”_

 

_“What? Where?” Claire asked horrified._

 

_“Germany. We are expanding and they needed someone to go.”_

 

_Shocked, Geneva couldn’t speak, she wanted to scream and say that they couldn’t leave. The thought of Claire moving almost broke her right there. Geneva watched Claire as she started to cried and screamed at her parents._

 

_Claire is moving to Germany, she is leaving me. Was the only thing that was going in a loop, repeatedly in Geneva’s head, she barely heard what the Beauchamps was saying to each other._

 

_“Geneva?” Julia said her name and Geneva looked at her. “I’m sorry honey but we need to have a family moment and talk. You can see Claire at school tomorrow.”_

 

_Geneva nodded and somehow managed to walk out of the house, the only place she had been truly happy, now it was the place where her heart broke._

 

_The next day Geneva was exhausted, she hadn’t slept at all. She sat up all night crying and when she was out of tears her sadness transformed into anger, it was new level rage and she completely destroyed her room. Geneva broke her mirror with her fists and threw her expensive perfumes on the floor, it was a bloody mess, literally, and when her mother barged in and ask what the hell she was doing. Geneva lost it and threw a chair at her. Her mother had looked completely horrified and said that Geneva was crazy. That just made everything worse and Geneva attacked her again, she scratched her face and pulled her hair until some of her extensions fell off. When her mother fled her room, Geneva looked the door and just screamed._

  


_“Hi.” Claire said, they were standing outside of their school. Geneva could see that Claire had been crying this morning._

 

_“Hi, you okay?” Geneva asked. She hide her bloody fists behind her back._

 

_“No. I can’t believe they are making me move. To Germany!! I don’t want to go. I hate them.” Claire started crying again._

 

_“I don’t want you to go either. Can’t we persuade them, say that you can live with me?” Geneva said low, her voice was still damaged after her tantrum last night._

 

_“I have already asked, I tried everything. We are moving next week.”_

 

_“What? So soon?”_

 

_“Yeah. Apparently they have known about this for days and they have even found a house already. My parents are inside talking to the principal, discussing my transfer.”_

 

_“You can’t leave me.” Geneva said, this was the worse day of her life._

 

_“I just hate them so much, I wish they were dead!”_

 

_Geneva blinked, shocked, Claire had never been this angry before and she had definitely never said that she hated her parents._

 

_Julia and Henry. Two people Geneva had adored for years, they were the perfect role models and Geneva had loved them. Until now. Hearing Claire say how much she hated her parents and how she wished they were dead, did something with Geneva._

 

_“Let’s go inside. Our class starts in 10 minutes.” Claire said and tried to wipe away her tears with the sleeve of her jacket._

 

_“You can go ahead. I have something I have to do.” Geneva said and gave Claire a long hug._

 

_Claire sniffed and nodded. Geneva waited until Claire was inside, She knew exactly what she needed to do. Julia and Henry always parked their car on the backside of their school building, Henry always said it was shorter to walk from there._

 

_“I wished they were dead.” Claire voice whispered in her head._

 

_Julia and Henry Beauchamp died that day. They crashed into a wall. The police said that someone had tampered with the car and that the brakes didn’t work._

 

_No witnesses. No suspects._

 

_-_

 

After Claire parents died she changed and so did Geneva.

 

Claire only had one living relative and that was her uncle, Quentin Lambert Beauchamp. He moved to London from South Africa immediately after he heard the news about his brother and sister in laws accident.

 

The first few weeks after, Claire stayed inside her house and Geneva called almost every day, but each time it was Quentin who answered and each time he said that Claire was sleeping. That she didn’t want to see anyone.

 

Geneva got restless, everything sucked without Claire and after her “little” fight with her mother, she was ordered to go and see a therapist. Geneva tried to argue but her father insisted. That was when Geneva met Frank Randall for the first time.

 

The first year Claire had a hard time with coping with the loss of her parents, she blamed herself for wishing them dead. She said that god probably heard her and did as she asked.

 

After awhile, Claire started seeing a group of people. It started with them seeing each other once a week until it was almost everyday. Claire said it was like a club for people who had dead parents and they usually went bowling. Geneva tried to be there but everything Geneva said was wrong and Claire started hanging out more and more with a girl in that group called Mary Hawkins.

 

Apparently having shitty parents wasn’t enough to join the bowling team and Geneva got to sit and cheer on Claire when they started bowling professionally. They were really good but Geneva couldn’t stop feeling left out, irritated and she hated Mary.

 

**2006.**

 

Five years after Claire parents died. Geneva and Claire was seventeen, they were still friends but not as close as before, they only saw each other in school. Claire and her uncle never sold the house, Claire had insisted she wanted to stay that she needed the memories of her parents.

 

Mary Hawkins, Claire’s new best friend. Geneva hated her more and as the years went by.

 

Geneva was surrounded by idiots and Claire didn’t seem not noticed how badly she was feeling and that was because Claire was being poisoned by hanging out with Mary, she was absolutely sure that everything would be fine if Mary just disappeared.

 

**_14 October 2006._ **

 

_Geneva hadn’t seen Claire in weeks and when they finally met two days ago, Claire told her that she was planning on moving to Scotland, with Mary._

 

_Geneva may have overreacted when Claire told her, she started to cry uncontrollably and accidentally admitted that she was in love with Claire, begging her to stay._

 

_Claire was shocked, but really? how could she be? Since their first kiss when they were twelve, Geneva knew how she felt and that wasn’t their only kiss, it happened once more when they were fifteen. They were at a party, both of them was really drunk and they were playing spin the bottle. They dared Claire to kiss Geneva and she did, tongue and all. It was amazing!_

 

_Geneva was hurt that Claire didn’t love her back, not in that way anyway. But maybe in time? Maybe Claire just needed a push and she would realize that they belonged together._

 

_Geneva had invited Mary over to her house. Her parents was away, where she didn’t care, she only knew they were out of town for the next couple of days. It was six days away until Claire’s birthday day. So Geneva had talked to Mary yesterday and asked she was up for planning a surprise party for Claire._

 

_“So What’s the plan?” Mary asked. They were sitting in Geneva’s room._

 

_“Being Claire’s best friend, I know she just loves mascarades. My plan is that we trick her into coming here and just have an outfit ready for her. This place can take at least sixty people, it will be epic. We can order a huge cake..”_

 

_“Okey. But what if we just tone it down a bit.” Mary interrupted her. And Geneva saw red. “Claire doesn’t have sixty friends first of all and I know she wants a quiet evening with a few people she loves.”_

 

_“You mean invite your little bowling team and just eat at Taco Bell?” Geneva said irritated._

 

_Claire deserves the best and hearing Mary talk she could hear that Mary really didn’t know Claire like she did. Stupid bitch._

 

_“We don’t have to eat at Taco Bell but I’m pretty sure that Claire wants the team to be there. It has been five years since her parents died and she has been handling it pretty good this year, but her birthday is also close to the date when her parents died. It pains her that they are missing this, eighteen is a huge milestone and she really don’t want to make a fuss over it.”_

 

_“Fine.. But I want to order a cake..” Geneva said. “I have bought her present but it’s too big to carry so I just going to trick her into coming here and after that we can drive over to you guys, wherever we now chose to be.”_

 

 _“Oh okey, I have also bought her something. It’s not much but it’s what I can afford right now. I have it in my bag.” Mary said took out a piece of paper and handed it over to Geneva._ It was a handwritten letter.

 

**_Happy Birthday Claire_ **

 

**_I can’t describe how much you mean to me. We found each other in the deepest of tragedies and I don’t know what I would have done without you. You are the best friend I could ever have wished for, I just hoped that we could have met under different circumstances. But together we are stronger._ **

 

**_I can’t wait until we leave for Scotland, this adventure is just the beginning for us. I can picture us already, climbing mountains and drinking beer with hot Scottish men._ **

 

**_I don’t have a lot but in this envelope is a ticket. This is something I want to share with you. / Mary._ **

 

_Geneva was furious, how dare Mary call herself “best friend”, no, this is not right._

 

_“When my mother was alive, we had this tradition on my birthday, where we took a little family trip over to Scotland and we took the ferry boat from Mallaig to Isle of Skye.” Mary said, holding the ticket in her hand. “It was so beautiful and peaceful..”_

 

_Something snapped when Geneva listen to Mary and everything became black. The last thing Geneva remembered was that she had her hands around Mary’s neck, how she turned purple and the panic in Mary’s eyes until they closed forever._

 

Mary’s dead and lifeless body laid in her room for two days until her parents came home. Geneva sat downstairs and was having breakfast when she heard her mother screaming from her room.

 

Geneva’s father had connections in the police department and they came by to pick up Mary’s body. Mary had no parents, no siblings, there wasn’t anyone who would look for her except for maybe Claire. So Geneva wrote a new letter, pretending to be Mary.

 

**_Dear Claire._ **

 

**_I am so sorry for doing this, but I have to go. I can’t tell you why or where. But just know that I love you and I can’t describe how much you mean to me. We found each other in the deepest of tragedies and I don’t know what I would have done without you. You are the best friend I could ever have wished for, I just hoped that we could have met under different circumstances._ **

 

**_You are awesome._ **

 

**_In this envelope is a ticket for when you come to Scotland, it’s one for you and one extra. Bring Geneva. Take the ferry boat from Mallaig to Isle of Skye and think of me._ **

 

**_Happy birthday day Claire._ **

**_Until we meet again._** **_/ Mary_**

 

_Geneva’s plan was bulletproof, nobody was going to look for Mary and now she could follow Claire to Scotland. Everything was as it should be now. That was at least what she had thought._

 

_Claire freaked out when Geneva gave her the letter, she screamed and claimed that Geneva had written the letter herself, how she could have known Geneva couldn’t understand. She was shocked and it all happened so fast after that, Claire actually went straight to the police and said that she was afraid that her friend was in trouble, but thanks to Lord Dunsany, her father's influence, the police reassured - lied to Claire that they knew where Mary was but that they couldn’t tell her._

 

_Claire of course caused a scene and it all ended with her being arrested. Geneva went down the station with money to bail her out but Claire refused. Geneva remember what the last thing Claire screamed when she walked away.._

 

_“I know she was at your house Geneva, she called me right before and said that you guys were planning my birthday and she asked what I wanted.”_

 

_Geneva stopped and turned around. She could see how angry Claire was._

 

_“Mary hates the word awesome and you are the only person I know who uses it frequently Geneva. And your spelling sucks. I know you did this.”_

 

_Later on that day, Geneva was forced to go to see Frank again. She wasn’t in the mood to see that idiot but she hadn’t much choice. But minutes before she walked into his office her mother called and said that Claire had got an restraining order against her. That hurt. Broke Geneva’s heart._

 

**_Geneva told Frank everything that day. Everything._ **

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think. ❤️


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The amazing writer - @wunderlichkind has been my beta on this chapter. Go check her out, She is sooo good!!

**5 December**

 

**5.32PM**

 

“So, you are seriously going to sleep outside my door?” Claire asked. She had kissed me minutes before that and I was still reeling from it. Holding her close was the only thing that kept the monsters at bay and happiness was filling my entire body.

 

”Aye.” 

 

“You know, we have a decent couch you can sleep on.” Claire said.

 

“I’m sure it is. But I dinna mind the floor, I have slept in worse conditions...” I said and a memory from our “camping trip” from a few years ago slowly came into my mind. We had just started dating and it was the day I told Claire that I loved her for the first time. 

 

**3 June 2012**

 

_ Claire had taken two days off work just so our schedule would work. We had been “dating” casually for approximately two months and it had been the best time in my life. Honestly, every second I got to spend with this woman was just a blessing, but time fought against us. _

 

_ It is easy to say that I fell in love with Claire the moment I saw her at the hospital that night I was cut and she tended me, but I knew I loved her just a week after our first date.  _

 

_ I’m not naive and I know you don’t rush things by screaming that you love someone after just one week. But I wanted to tell her every single day.  _

 

_ Maybe I was a coward or just afraid that she wouldn’t feel the same but we hadn't talked about our relationship, not in a deeper conversation anyway. There were no rules. But I was hers, completely and utterly hers. _

 

_ During these first two months we had seen each other maybe twelve times.  A few dinners and of course we had went bowling after, and yes, Claire had won each time.  _

 

_ Sometimes we had managed to meet up after or before her rounds, a quick kiss and coffee outside of the hospital. But we hadn’t gotten to the physical part, we still hadn’t slept with each other. We both had wanted to, oh god, how much I’d wanted to, but we never found the time or the “appropriate” place for it. I was frustrated and she was frustrated but our work schedules had just never matched. Until now. _

 

_ Claire had arranged a surprise for us, a belated birthday present for me; that’s what she said.  _

 

_ “So where are we going?” I had asked Claire, curiously. She’d been driving, insisting we took her car and unfortunately for me, it was a really tiny car and my knees were pressed up against the dashboard. Not the most comfortable ride. _

 

_ “We are going camping.” Claire had answered and started blushing. _

 

_ “Really? Dinna think ye liked the wild and untamed forest.” I’d said and she’d started laughing. Claire truly is out of this world, I had thought. I had told her just the week before how much I had been missing being outside, without the uniform, that is. _

 

_ “There is much ye dinna ken about me.” Claire had said, imitating me -  in the worst accent ever. “But you are right, I don’t like it.” Claire had started laughing. _

 

_ The thought of being alone with Claire and sleeping outside, together. I had been able to picture it already - The stars above us. Claire snuggled up in my lap, a blanket surrounding, shielding us from the cold. Oh yes, I could see us talking and looking up at the constellations and then, going into the tent. _

 

_ “Jamie?” Claire had said and interrupted my dream. I’d looked at her and realized that I must had blacked out completely. I had no idea what she had been saying. My confused face told her that I had been elsewhere and she’d started laughing at me. _

 

_ “Earth calling. Claire said, I hope you know how to start a fire, that is not my specialty. My dad was always in charge of that.”  _

 

_ Her father, Henry. It pained me that both of us had lost our parents, that we had that in common but it felt good knowing she could talk about them without sounding sorrowful. Claire had told me that they’d died years ago but the memory of my own parents’ death was still raw. I still had a hard time talking about it. _

 

_ “I ken how to make a fire.” I’d answered. “So ye have everything all set up? Tent, sleeping bags and food?” _

 

_ “Dinna fash Jamie.” Claire’s imitation of me was just the worst. “I won’t let you starve.” _

 

_ We’d arrived at Glencoe. I’d immediately known exactly where she’d wanted to go. The lost valley. My father had told bedtime stories to me as a child about the Macdonald clan, that they were going to hide their cattle in this place, they had stolen the cattle from their neighbors (or the other way around, I couldn’t really remember), but they’d been attacked by the Campbell clan and they were all slaughtered. Not really the ideal bedtime story, but I It was a dear memory still. _

 

_ It’d been warm outside that day, Claire had definitely picked a good day to go camping, but we should have gone sooner, it was already getting darker and I’d known we wouldn’t have time that same day to spend much time exploring the wilderness, not that it was something I’d wanted to do right then, I’d been completely content with staying inside the tent with Claire. But I should have asked sooner where we were going. Claire really had thought of everything, she’d brought the tent, sleeping bags and all the utilities but the problem was that she’d picked out the worst possible place to camp.  _

 

_ “Claire, are we supposed to camp here?” I’d asked.  _

 

_ “Yes! I looked it up online.” Claire had said proudly. _

 

_ “Dinna want to burst your bubble but I dinna think we can do that here.” I’d answered apologetically and her smile had faded. _

 

_ “Why?” Claire had looked puzzled. _

 

_ “The glen floor is a big boulder field and as the river goes underground, I’m not sure how easy it would be to set up the tent.”  _

 

_ “But we can try? I mean it’s…” Claire had stopped talking and looked disappointed.  _

 

_ “We could, but Claire this was an amazing idea and I love you for it but..” I’d stopped talking. My eyes had widened, had I just said… love you? Claire was trying to hold back the biggest smile and I’m sure, I had looked stupid as hell.  _

 

_ “You love me for it?” Claire had said and looked shocked. We’d stood on each side of the car. _

 

_ “Aye, I do.” I had admitted. “Fuck, why do I get so fucking nervous around her”, I’d thought. My hands had started sweating. _

 

_ Silence. _

 

_ “I ken it’s too fast to say, but Claire I do.” I had been nervously rambling, her silence making my insides churn. Shit. _

 

_ Claire had dropped the bag she was holding and started walking towards me - gravitating more like it. She’d stopped in front of me. “I want to hear you say it.” She’d said. _

 

_ “I love you.” My heart had been beating fast in my chest, the words I had been dying to say were finally out. _

 

_ “I have never said that to someone before.” Claire had said. _

 

_ “Ye dinna have to say it back…” but she’d stopped me by putting her whole hand on top of my mouth. Normally I would have laughed, but not then. _

 

_ “I love you too, Jamie.” _

 

_ Victoriously, I’d firmly drawn her closer in response, our body’s flushed tightly together. I’d looked deep into her eyes, my breathing heavy and hers as well. “I’m never letting you go now..” I’d whispered. _

 

_ “I wouldn’t let you, if you tried.” Claire had said and kissed me, her mouth open and inviting, my tongue stroking over hers teasingly. I couldn’t for the life of me think about anything else.  _

 

_ My hands had moved from her back, exploring new territory I had dreamed of, roaming over her breast, squeezing gently and she’d pressed herself closer. I’d taken a step back and backed us into the car. We’d stopped kissing. _

 

_ “Say it again.” Claire had said and smiled, her cheeks a bit pink. _

 

_ “I love you, Claire Elizabeth Beauchamp.” _

 

_ We’d slept in the car that night, it wasn’t exactly camping under the stars - but crowded and uncomfortable sleeping, upright in our seats. But holding her hand and knowing she loved me made it worth it in the end.  _

 

-

 

**5.34PM**

 

“What is it?” Claire asked, she sounded worried. The flashback was yet another reminder that I hadn’t let go completely, hadn’t accepted it, still wished that she would remember me. Remember us. New Claire was here, but I missed my wife. It was strange that I missed someone who technically stood in my arms.

 

“No, it’s nothing,” I lied.

 

Claire looked into my eyes, searching for the truth, probably.

 

“It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me,” she said.

 

“I don’t know if my heart can take it,” I admitted. “I know, I said I had accepted it all, but there is still a part of me that’s holding on to hope.”

 

Suddenly, a baby’s scream sounded behind me and I jumped. I was glad that we were interrupted, this conversation could easily take a wrong turn and honestly, this day was taking its toll on me, I was exhausted.

 

“Seems like our daughter is awake,” Claire said and I released her. There was a baby monitor behind me. 

 

“Come.” Claire took my hand, guiding me out of the living room and up the stairs. 

 

Upstairs in Claire's room, Ellen was lying in a white crib in the corner and she stopped crying the very moment she saw Claire. It was fascinating, but then there was a new level of love I felt when I looked at her, it hit me like a punch to my stomach and I realized how much I had missed that little girl,  _ my daughter.  _

 

I was a father by name but I hadn’t yet experienced it. I knew nothing about this little creature but the undying and unexplainable love I was feeling for her.

 

“Go lie down on the bed,” Claire ordered me and I almost choked. Claire just laughed at my reaction. “Just do it.” 

 

Confused, I did as she’d asked and I watched her as she came walking with Ellen in her arms. I was lying on the far end of the bed, my back was against the wall and Claire placed Ellen close next to me. She followed shortly after and the three of us laid in Claire’s bed.  _ If there’s ever a moment to remember, this is it, _ I thought and did everything I could to keep the tears I felt coming at bay. 

 

Ellen couldn’t possibly know who I was, but I pretended that she did, that she knew I was her father and that it was the reason why she was so calm. 

 

“I can just watch her for hours, sometimes.” Claire said, low. I saw that Ellen started to smile when she heard Claire’s voice and I watched her when she tried to roll over so she could see her mother, but she struggled with it and I gave her some help. She was light as a feather. 

 

“I think she is hungry,”  Claire told me and started to unbutton her shirt, revealing more and more skin. 

 

“Oh, I can leave, give ye some privacy.” I said and moved to get up. 

 

“You don’t have to leave, you know, you are going to see this for a while now and I’m guessing it’s nothing new,” Claire said. I could hear the nervousness in her tone, but she hid it well. I on the other hand wasn’t calm about this at all, I had never seen anyone breastfeeding a child before, and I especially hadn’t seen Claire’s breasts in months.

 

I didn’t know what I had expected but it was definitely not this. I laid down again and watched as Ellen’s little mouth brushed over Claire’s nipple and she eagerly closed her lips and started trying to suckle. But she couldn’t quite get the latch right, she seemed to get frustrated and started wailing against Claire’s naked skin.   
  


I was out of words. Claire had never looked more beautiful than nursing our daughter. It was yet again a first of kind, seeing Claire be a mother. Both of us seemed comfortable in what I was afraid would be strange. But there was nothing strange about it - just admiration.

 

”She has been acting strange lately..” Claire sighed and tried to help Ellen. “There you go, baby.”

 

“Does it hurt?” I asked curiously, quickly looking away from her breast when I realized I was staring.

  
“Sometimes. It was painful the first two weeks.” 

 

“And for how long does she eat?” I couldn’t stop asking all these questions.

 

“It’s different each time, but usually  for about twenty minutes or so. I prefer to lay down like this, so if she falls asleep during, I can slip away without waking her.”

 

I nodded in response. Ellen was four months old, that was four months I had missed. Not only had I missed Claire carrying her but I had missed things like this too and I wanted to learn. It was a new level of grief and it pained me, knowing that she had to go through this alone, I almost couldn’t bare it.

 

“You know, I never thought I would have a child, nevertheless with ye.” I said low. 

 

“Have you been with anyone else since I… disappeared?” Claire asked, looking away, down on Ellen instead of at me, maybe she was afraid to give away how she felt. 

 

“No...” I moved closer, careful not to disturb Ellen. I put my hand on top of Claire’s where it lay flat on her leg. “I haven’t”

 

“I know I said that I wanted to start over, pretend that the old me you knew wasn’t there to haunt me. But she is and hearing you speak of our love, our life together, I wish nothing more than to remember,” Claire said and looked up. “I want to be her.”

 

“Are ye not? Just because you don’t remember, it doesna take away who ye are, Claire, you are the same. There are so many things ye say and do now that are exactly like before. I just didna want to upset you by pointing them out all the time.”

 

“I do?”

 

“Aye,” I said and smiled.

 

“Like what?” Claire asked.

 

“I noticed that ye still tug yer sleeve when ye get nervous.” 

 

“I guess bad habits are hard to get rid of.” 

 

“Ye always were fearless and passionate, and ye still are.”

 

“Yeah, but those aren’t the things I want to remember.”

 

“What do ye want to remember?” I asked.

 

“Everything.” Claire sighed and I could see tears forming in the corner of her eyes.

 

“I’m sorry, Claire! I have been selfish, I haven’t called my sister yet, but I promise I will and ask her to send over all of yer old things. It’s not much, but maybe it will give ye some kind of…tether to your old life”

 

“It’s okey, silly, you are the only thing I need right now. But why haven’t you called her yet?”

 

“Shame, I guess. When ye supposedly died, in a way I died too...” I swallowed hard. “Jenny wanted to save me from my grief, but I couldn’t handle it, I couldn’t even say yer name out loud. I pushed her away and I said the absolute worst things, ye could possibly say.”

 

“What did you say?”

 

“I canna remember the exact words, but trust me, it was bad.”

 

“I’m sure she understood that you were hurting...” Claire comforted me, once again, here she was reassuring me that everything was gonna be okay. “Just call her tomorrow and apologize.”

 

“Not sure how she will react when I tell her that ye are alive.”

 

“I’m guessing she will be shocked,” Claire said, and - to my surprise - laughed. 

 

“Aye, I’m still in shock, I think.”

 

“Geneva...” Claire suddenly changed the subject, and we both stopped laughing. There was something about that woman that made my blood freeze to ice. “She thinks I’m crazy. That I’m taking this, us, too lightly.”

 

“And how do ye feel about that?” I asked.

 

“I probably am crazy, but if loving you makes me crazy then call me Susan and lock me up in a mental hospital,” Claire joked and I started laughing so hard that I was scared I would frighten Ellen, but she just kept on eating.

 

“I hope they lock us both in, then, but I canna say that ye are crazy Claire. I have always known that our love was powerful. I’m just so grateful that ye believe me when I say so, that ye trust me, even though ye don’t really know me right now.”

 

“I trust you.”

 

“Claire, can I ask ye something?” 

 

“Sure. What do you want to know?”

 

“Do you remember anything new? I mean, do you think that maybe meeting me has done or will do anything to impact your memory loss?”

 

“Maybe... It’s hard to know whether some things are new memories or just something I made up in my head.”

 

“When we stood outside the restaurant today and I was having a panic attack... ye said something that ye’ve always said to me - before. Can ye remember what ye said?”

 

Claire looked like she was thinking, her eyebrows scrunched together. I didn’t want to stress her by staring, so I took the time to focus on Ellen. I could only see the back of her head and I wanted to touch her but fear of disturbing her made me resist the urge. 

 

Suddenly, without warning, Claire rose from the bed and I realized that Ellen was sleeping. Claire carefully carried her back to the crib.  _ Babies do sleep a lot,  _ I thought, sorrowful, and the warm space, where Ellen had been lying, was another reminder how badly I wanted her close, all the time. I wish, I dared to ask Claire to bring her back.

 

“No, I can’t think of anything” Claire answered when she came back and she sat down on the bed.

 

“ _ I got you, baby _ . That’s what ye said,” I reminded her, and it came out harsher than I had intended.

 

“I’m sorry.” 

 

“Claire...”

 

“What?” Claire interrupted me and she sounded irritated. “Stop pretending, Jamie! I see how disappointed you get when I don’t remember. And what if I never do?! Just admit that it would be easier...” 

 

“Why do ye always do this?” I said, tired and frustrated, irritated by her attitude. I couldn’t hold back the anger that was bubbling up. “What would be easier, Claire? To be without ye? Fuck no, ye can just stop this right now! Ye are pushing me away, but I’m not fucking going anywhere, ye hear me?”

 

“I hear you... “ Claire said, irritated. This could easily explode I though but she needed to hear me, really hear me.

 

“Why are ye doing this, then? It’s not the first time!” 

 

“Because I’m freaking out, this is just so horrible! My brain is playing tricks on me; one minute I have these images, and I don’t know if they are memories or what they are, but they give me some kind of hope. Then you come and tell me about things that actually have happened and I don’t remember any of it. I don’t know what’s real anymore.” I 

 

“ _ We _ are real...” I answered urgently and took her hand, dragging her down so she lay close to me, face to face. 

 

“I am just a fragment of  _ her _ .” 

 

“I’m sorry, Claire, I don’t know why I’m acting like this.”

 

“You miss her,” Claire said simply.

 

“I do. But she is you and you are her. I don’t know why I’m being such an ungrateful bastard. Please forgive me.”

 

“Forgiven,” Claire said. I closed my eyes and sighed in relief. 

 

“I don’t care what anyone thinks, I don’t care how fast this is going,” she whispered. “I want you and I want to be your wife, Jamie. I’m just afraid that if I don’t remember… I will never  _ enough _ .” 

 

“What?” I opened my eyes and looked at her. “ _ You  _ are more than enough. Claire, never doubt that, please! I can’t promise that I won’t be sad when I think about things we have been through that ye canna remember, but trust me when I say that you are and will always be enough.”

 

“When I think about all of this, how fate seemed to have let us find each other again... I just somehow had hoped that I would miraculously remember right away, but unfortunately it doesn’t seem to be like that. But when I touch you, I wonder...” Claire's fingers brushed against my cheek lightly. She slowly let them  trail down to my lips, and my breathing started to grow heavier.

 

Claire moved closer and the anticipation was unbearable. I had promised myself and her that I was going to take this slow, not push too far, but Claire’s panting, her deep inhales, her closeness made me dizzy with need. She maybe had forgotten, but I hadn’t. I knew how good she felt when I was inside her, how smooth her skin was against my hands. The moaning and the scream escaping her when she came.

 

I knew it all.

 

“I want to see you,” Claire said suddenly. Her hands moved from my face and she placed them over my heart. She smiled when she felt how fast my heart was beating. 

 

“Are you sure? Claire, we... I don’t...” I was getting nervous and started rambling again.

 

“Yes. I don’t want to try to remember this, I want to live it. Take your clothes off, Jamie,” Claire ordered me.

 

“But what about Ellen?” I asked.

 

“I can be quiet, if you can” Claire said teasingly, her hands now moving further down, and my breath hitched when she was just inches away from my cock. “I just want to look,” she was teasing me.

 

I felt paralyzed and couldn’t for the life of me understand how our innocent conversation had turned into this. I ordered my body to move, but it was as if my brain had shut off. Claire sat up and she started undressing me. She seemed to understand that I was unable to move.

 

When she unzipped my pants, I came to life again. Carefully, I got up from her bed and my hands were actually trembling when I took off what remained of my clothes. 

 

It was a strange new sensation and I had never been this nervous, standing naked in Claire’s presence.

 

Claire watched me intently. Finally, she got up from the bed. “James Fraser...” she said and placed her hands on my chest. “Are you nervous?”

 

“I am.”

 

“Why?” Claire teased, smiling, and looked down on my erection.

 

“I don’t know,” I admitted.

 

“I was thinking...” Claire pressed herself closer, and I almost lost it. “I’m not so sure anymore I  _ just _ want to look and I don’t think I’ll be able to be quiet either...” 

 

_ Oh shit. _

 

“There’s a bathroom right outside my door. I think we better continue this in there, don’t want to wake the baby,” she said lowly.

 

Claire took my hand and started walking out of her room. I followed her without saying a word. I was in her friends hallway, naked, but Claire reassured me that Geneva was probably in her room, and then we were already stepping into the bathroom - she almost pushed me inside.

 

The bathroom was big, with  a shower in the corner, the dark green and blue tiles combined with the dim light made it a cozy setting, but my foremost thought was Claire. 

 

“Was I like this, before?” Claire asked, her voice low and she started to undress herself. I nodded, incapable of talking and focused on watching her. 

 

Claire was intentionally taking each item of clothing off slowly, teasingly and I unconsciously started stroking my cock. I wanted to rip the clothes off her, feeling madder and madder with lust, the more skin she revealed. 

 

Her breasts were bigger, fuller than before and my body was aching to touch her. She had signs from her pregnancy, silver strips on her belly that only increased her beauty. My gaze flicked to the old, familiar scar on her thigh. Her pale skin almost made her look like she was shining compared to the dark tiles of the room. Breathtaking. 

 

We stood before one another, naked, both completely stripped from clothes. 

 

“Do you want me?” Claire tried to look confident, but I noticed a slight change in her face when I didn’t say anything.

 

My lips started twitching into a small, coy smile. I would have thought my hard reaction was proof enough that I did want her very much. I walked over to her with determination. “Do I want ye?" I echoed, uncomprehending. “I want ye so much I can scarcely breathe, Claire.” 

 

Claire’s smile was radiant as she reached out, sliding one hand over my bare shoulder. "I promise, I do not bite," she said, leaning in to whisper, "unless you want me to," against my lips.

 

My entire body stilled, eyes wide as I pulled back my head to look at her. With a big smile on her face, Claire leaned in and brushed her lips over mine. “I can’t remember what we did before, but I’m guessing you know what I like,” she said and took my hand - dragging me after her again - towards the shower.

 

Words weren't needed, we were both running on instinct, but that didn’t take away the pressure. The shower was big, but not for two persons and definitely not for me. Claire turned on the water and we stood flush against each other as the stream hit us. She smiled and I almost wanted to cry, but this wasn’t supposed to be a sad moment. I placed my hands on her cheeks, leaned in and our lips collided - crashed into each other. I had thought that I was going to be gentle, take this fragile moment  and let us heal together, slowly, but she had something else in mind. Claire took my hands and placed them on her ass.  _ Oh, how I had missed this _ , I thought as I squeezed and massaged her buttocks.

 

“I am not fragile, Jamie. I won’t break,” Claire told me. Even as I hesitated at first, she must have known that whatever doubts I’d had about this, they were gone now, blown away by her brazen words, replaced with the need to claim her. I took a new, harder and firmer grip on her ass, pressing her against me. 

 

"Tell me what to do?" I asked quietly and gave her a soft kiss.

 

“Whatever you want.” 

 

I released her and got down on my knees. I looked up, and my lips curled upwards in a triumphant smile when Claire’s legs started shivering as my hands slowly moved from her thighs upwards. 

 

When I finally leaned in and my tongue touched her slick folds for the first time, she gasped, her hips bucking against my lips. My hands slid up to grip her hip, hold her in place, while I was alternating quick flicks and long, dragging licks of my tongue over her entrance. It was familiar, in every single way; how she tasted and how she took hold of my hair, pulling me forward, closer. 

 

“Oh, Jamie.” Hearing her moan was almost too much. 

 

I slid a finger into her, then another and she cried out my name again. My cock was aching, envious of my fingers, and I focused on her clit with my tongue, just the way I knew she liked it. 

 

Claire was squirming, and she tasted so good, I didn't stop - couldn’t stop. I just kept going, gently sucking on her clit, making her moan louder . “Oh, god.”

 

My fingers fucked her, until I felt her walls clenching around them, her legs shaking so much that I was afraid, she was going to collapse. “I’m coming, Jamie,” she moaned. 

 

“ _ Yes _ , oh, yes.” She rolled her hips once more against my lips, needing to move as she let her orgasm overwhelm her. The water from the shower, dripping down on my face, combined with Claire’s wetness felt sensational. It  nearly brought my own arousal over the edge, knowing I had served her.

 

Victorious, I got up from the floor. Claire was leaning against the cold tile wall, her eyes closed, and she had the biggest smile on her face.

 

“Mr Fraser, you sure know how to make your wife happy,” she said, and opened her eyes. 

 

Hearing her refer to herself as my wife - no words could describe the feeling of happiness I was experiencing. 

 

“My heart and body belong entirely to ye, Claire.” 

 

Claire pulled me closer and wrapped her arms around my neck. I lifted her up, her long legs wrapped around my hips, and she brought her hand down between us, guiding the tip of my cock to her waiting entrance. With a soft moan, I lowered her slowly onto my cock. It felt even better than I remembered. 

 

“Oh,  _ god _ ,” I moaned, growling low in my throat as her wet, aching heat surrounded me. Her inner walls pulsed around me, robbing me of all coherent thought, my hips instinctively moving up, pushing deeper and deeper into her body. 

 

“Fuck,” we both said simultaneously and our eyes looked, both of us - wanting, needing...  I felt like I was on fire. 

 

_ “Harder,”  _ Claire urged me, wrapping her legs tighter around my waist and I began moving within her, faster and harder as she demanded. My body was pinning her against the wall, my hands securely on her ass, holding her, pressing her against me. I lost all inhibitions when she clawed her nails into my back. 

 

“ _ Diah _ , ye feel so good.” 

 

I increased my speed, and my lips found hers again. She whimpered against my mouth, and I felt the low pleasure building from my toes, spreading throughout my legs. “ _ Claire _ ,” I moaned out her name.

 

“I’m close, Jamie, come with me.” 

 

I held out a little while longer, wanting her to come first, releasing my left hand from its grip on her ass and starting to rub her clit as I slowed down and fucked her with slow, persistent and hard trusts. 

 

The water running down on us made splashing sounds as my hips slammed against hers. She started shaking again, and I let out a loud groan as I felt her walls clench around my cock. “Jamie!!” she screamed out my name when her orgasm hit her, and I couldn’t hold back anymore. 

 

With one final hard trust I came inside her hard, pumping my hips once, filling her, then twice more before my forehead dropped to her shoulder. 

 

I never wanted to let her go. I was finally  _ home _ again.

 

_ - _

 

Jamie was sleeping next to her and Claire watched him. After their life-affirming interlude in the shower, he had carried her back into her bedroom, and it was just adorable how quickly he fell asleep after they’d layn down on the bed, both still a little wet from the shower. 

 

Claire on the other hand was wide awake. She had never felt more alive, her body still a little bruised after being pinned to the wall, but it felt good. Everything felt good. Ellen, on one side of the room, safely sleeping and Jamie on the other. 

 

Claire placed a soft kiss on his hand, turning it over and looking at the scar on his wrist. It looked exactly like her own.

 

“You are blood of my blood,” she whispered, not sure where it came from, but it felt fitting, it felt right.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and as always please leave a comment, it means to world to me. ❤️


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @wunderlichkind was beta again, thank you friend! ❤️

THREE PIECES OF THE PUZZLE: _The stalker, the psycho and the loving husband._

 

**5 December.**

 

**Frank - The psycho**

 

 _William Douglas Buccleigh_ was Frank’s patient. He was the real killer, and Frank knew that it was him all along. But William wasn’t just a patient anymore, he was family, and you protect your family.

 

Frank never intended on giving the police the real person, and Frank also knew that Daniel Giovanni’s convenient death was not in fact a suicide.

 

William never said it out loud - that he had murdered anyone. When he came by Frank’s office and they talked, William just said it hypothetically and then explained it was from a dream, but Frank knew. He had read the papers, and Williams detailed retelling of his “dreams” was exactly how Lisa and Stefan were killed.

 

Somehow, it didn’t scare him, knowing William had killed someone It  just made him more sure that the child he’d met many years ago, now a man, still needed someone to love him. It pained him, seeing William sad, the last time they talked. Frank knew how much he’d loved Lisa.

 

Standing outside the station. Frank had never thought his plan would actually work, knowing he had kidnapped James Fraser’s wife of all people and was being charged for it, but the police were sweating, not knowing who the killer was, and when they suddenly changed their minds, Frank knew William must have killed again.

 

Frank had been absolutely sure he would go to jail and then die there. Fraser  himself had told him that he was going to make his life a living hell and he’d believed him. Frank never knew James personally, only his reputation, but he was well spoken of in Scotland, especially at the hospital where he and Claire worked. He was a local hero, and Frank hated the man.

 

That Frank now stood as free man outside the police station, he nearly couldn’t understand or believe it. But the fear of being killed was not gone, James Fraser would never stop to seek vengeance.

 

Frank had been William Buccleigh’s  therapist for years, ever since William was a child. _Oh, how troubled that kid was_ , but there was something about him that made Frank overprotective. It felt like William was his little brother, and over the years they developed a close relationship to match that feeling.

 

When William had first started seeing him, it was because he was having nightmares. They were dark, bloody and very detailed dreams where he killed his sister, but what made him come to Frank in the first place was the part that he actually wanted to- he badly wanted to kill her. Frank never saw him as a monster like his adoptive parents did, no, Frank just saw a child with a strong imagination. Maybe that's why they bonded in the first place, their minds strikingly similar to one another. William dreamt of things he wanted to do, and Frank - his “dreams” corresponded with wakefulness. It took a few years for him to understand that Jonathan, his beloved cousin, was actually trapped inside of him. But that never changed his conviction that he was real, and it didn’t matter that nobody else saw him, because Frank did see and feel him.

 

Jonathan was always there to comfort him, since his early childhood, but when Frank was a teenager, Jonathan came to life on a whole new level. Frank had never really minded when Jonathan wanted to take control over a situation that he himself couldn’t handle. Instead, he was often grateful when he did. And honestly, he hated to admit it, but Frank felt safer when he was the one on the inside. Jonathan’s strength was intoxicating and he liked feeling strong. Like when he was being questioned by Fraser - he had never seen the man before, and he was bigger than he ever could have imagined. James Fraser had looked like he could easily kill him with his bare hands and his eyes had told Frank very clearly that that was exactly what he had in mind. Frank’s fear of the man had him almost paralyzed and Jonathan, _oh, that wonderful man,_ stepped in.

 

Frank had never seen himself as a bad person, nor did he believe that he was crazy. He was a smart man and a therapist, and he knew crazy, for god’s sake. Claire had loved him, he’d felt that, and he could see how much she’d liked being Katie. Now, that the cat was out of the bag, the only thing he wanted was to have her back and for her to be safe, but he knew that she wasn’t. Geneva had tricked her - yes, he had, too, but that was different. Their love was pure while Geneva’s was fictional and delusional. Claire had never wanted her, and this last year had proven that Claire loved him.

 

_She will be mine again._

 

If Claire had loved James, really loved him, she would have told him about Geneva.

  


**7.15PM**

 

Frank had spent the last two hours or so searching his house for his personal notes, but he somehow knew that they were gone, as were Claire’s things. Good thing William had taken on a different name here in the states, he had started over when he’d left England. Frank believed that William was probably hiding at his real mother’s house. The mother Frank had found for him, Geillis Duncan.

 

“So what is the plan now?” Jonathan asked, his voice echoing in Franks head.

 

“I don’t have a plan!” Frank replied irritated. Jonathan could easily come out and sit down on the couch instead of staying inside his head.

 

“I hear your thoughts, cousin. I know you are thinking about Claire,” Jonathan said calmly. “You need to save her.”

 

“How am I supposed to do that? Fraser’s probably there.” Frank was frustrated. He knew Claire was staying with Geneva, and that woman was capable of anything. And James - well, that man was just an obstacle he didn’t know how to overcome yet. Frank couldn’t fight him. _How the hell did he find us anyway? What are the odds that he, too, had moved away from Scotland?!_

 

“He is a leach,” Jonathan said, probably listening to Frank's thoughts.

 

“Claire doesn’t remember her life with him, she probably didn’t want to. We’ve had a wonderful life, just the three of us,” Frank said. He was standing in his bedroom, and he really missed his family now, seeing it so empty.

 

“I agree, it’s common for people suffering from amnesia to remember again. Maybe Claire does remember her old life, but pretended that she doesn’t? I saw how she was with you, cousin. She loves you,” Jonathan reassured him.

 

“Should I warn someone about Geneva?” Frank asked Jonathan. He really was concerned, afraid what Geneva would do.

 

Geneva, the troubling twelve year old he’d met in his office a long time ago back in England, really was the worst kind of patient. Ignorant, delusional and “sweet”. Frank saw beyond that pretty face of hers, and all the lies she tried to hide behind.

 

When Geneva came back, seventeen years old, she confessed all about killing Claire’s parents and her friend Mary to Frank. Her father's influence was the only reason why she wasn’t hospitalized back then. What Frank understood, was that Claire had had suspicions about Geneva being behind the disappearance of Mary, but nothing about the “accidental death” of her parents.

 

Frank had followed it all from the shadows, observing the whole story. Geneva’s family had done everything in their power to shut down every allegation Claire made, and in the end, they paid her enough money for her to  escape to Scotland. That was Claire’s biggest secret. _And James doesn’t know, she never trusted him with that,_ Frank thought.

 

“We can manage Geneva on our own. I can take care of her,” Jonathan said. “And Claire isn’t Katie anymore, Frank, she can't be your wife as long as James is alive. But this time, you don’t have to pretend she is Katie. You only stayed quiet out of fear, you were afraid that Geneva would tell Claire the truth, but I can’t see how that makes any difference now. You know she loves you, and she will love you even more after we fix this,” Jonathan paused as Frank looked down into Ellen's empty crib and his heart began to ache with the loss of his family.

 

“William can take care of Fraser, he owes us now. You saved his ass, everyone thinks Daniel Giovanni did it, and he is dead,” Jonathan went on.

 

“But Geneva, how are we supposed to get rid of her? Her father will notice if she is missing,” Frank asked, worried. “What if we blackmail him? He was the one who buried that whole story with Mary and Claire’s parents, can’t we just talk to him?”

 

“We could...” Jonathan said, but he’d sounded happier when he had been talking about taking care of Geneva himself. “Would keep our hands clean.”

 

“I fucking hate that bitch,” Frank shouted. “And Fraser. They don’t love her like I do. They hurt her, I would never do that intentionally!” Tears rapidly began to fall down his face. “I saved her...” he whispered, and fell - collapsing on the bedroom floor.

 

To his great comfort, Jonathan _finally_ came out and sat down next to him. “I know cousin, I know.” He patted his back. “I will fix this.”

  


-

 

**Geneva - The stalker**

 

Sitting in her room, Geneva could hear Claire’s moaning, the sounds coming from the bathroom echoing in her room. She could hear everything that was going on in there. _He is fucking her,_ she thought, irritated, but, most of all surprised. She felt incredibly jealous.

 

 _Claire_ , the only one woman who could make Geneva feel like this. She wasn’t sexually attracted to women in general, _only her._

 

The confusing part was that now, she also found Jamie insanely attractive. The thought of them in the shower; she was irritated and jealous of them both. Claire spoke to her heart, made her feel different, and she wanted to spent the rest of her life with her. But _Jamie_ , he brought out something in her, too, and she knew it was because she couldn’t survive without the warmth of a man. She was absolutely annoyed with herself that she wanted him - craved him, even. She found him attractive, but he was still someone who could ruin it all.

 

Even if Geneva didn’t want to, she couldn’t help herself as her hands wandered down her body, hearing Claire moan out Jamie’s name. Geneva began to picture a different senario - the three of them, naked, together. Her index finger slowly started moving in circling motions, her panties wet, and she, too, let out a  moan, in perfect tune with Claire. In her head, she pretended that it was Claire’s finger, and she increased her speed to the sound of Jamie’s trusting. She could hear everything, even the splash of the water hitting them.

 

“Harder,” she heard Claire scream - ordering Jamie - and Geneva complied. The three of them all came at the same time -  in synchronized harmony.

 

Laying alone in her room, listening to Claire and Jamie giggling, Geneva felt her anger rising. After they’d walked out of the bathroom and into Claire’s room, she could no longer hear them.

 

Claire was the only one who owned her heart and she _knew_ Claire loved her back, but why did she feel so envious of Claire at the same time?

 

 _Do I want them both?_ Geneva asked herself. Confused about the feelings she was experiencing, she got more and more frustrated.

 

Geneva wanted Claire and always had, but now she realized that she was also angry at her - she had everything Geneva had always wanted. _A loving family,_ that was the dream. Claire had had her parents when they were kids, and now she had her own family. _Ellen,_ she had a living child.

 

The only thing Geneva had were two parents who didn’t love her, one ex-husband, who she thought she had loved and a dead child.

 

It was a boy, the child she’d lost. His name was supposed to be Lucas. He never got the chance to live, and just the thought of him, dying inside of her, made her entire body shake aggressively.  She could physically feel the nightmares crawling under her skin. The ghost of the child she had longed for was never coming back, yet haunting her forever. Ellen was her substitute, she loved her as if she were her own, and in a way, she was.

 

Geneva had seen Lucas, directly after she was forced to give birth to him. Her beautiful little son. His black hair and his tiny face were forever imprinted onto her heart. She never saw his eyes, _were they brown or blue?_ \-  the same question  haunting her still, and it killed her that she would never get the answer.

 

The only thing she had left were Ellen and Claire. She couldn’t afford to lose them, too. No, Jamie needed to go. _They are mine._

 

Geneva started plotting how she would get rid of Jamie. She didn’t necessarily need to kill him. She could see how they looked at each other, their bond was something special, something that couldn’t easily be broken.

 

 _Mistrust,_ planting a seed of doubt would be a good start. _Befriend him, seduce him, and make Claire question him._

 

_Break them apart._

 

-

 

**Jamie - The loving husband**

 

**6 December**

 

**02.27AM**

 

“You were just a stranger who knew all my secrets...” Claire was talking to me, thinking I was still sleeping. I could hear and feel that she was crying as she lay on my chest, her voice was low, almost whispering. Maybe it was curiosity that made me continue to pretend.

 

“It scared me at first, to trust you, completely blindfolded, and believe that our love was real.” Claire touched my cheek and I needed to force myself not to move, not to react. She was having a moment, and I couldn’t bring myself to disrupt it, even though I wanted to comfort her.

 

“But I can feel it, Jamie, when you touch me, it burns into my skin and reveals the most hidden parts of myself I didn’t know even existed. It still scares me. Hearing you say that you love me, it breaks my heart. Shatters it into millions of pieces, knowing that I can’t say it back, not yet. I want to remember.” Claire’s whisper dropped even lower and she repeated: “I want to remember, _please_ , make me remember...”

 

 _Oh, Claire, it will be alright, I will make sure of it._ It was a vow, a silent vow I made to her as she talked.

 

A little while later, I was still lying awake. I didn’t know what time it was, but it was still dark outside, so I knew that it wasn’t morning yet. I couldn’t fall back to sleep after hearing Claire talk to me. She, however, had fallen asleep shortly after, and her small but strong arms were wrapped around my waist. Her voice still echoed in my head. “ _You were just a stranger who knew all my secrets.”_

 

But did I really know all of her secrets? I knew her, but all her secrets - no. I’d met Claire when she had already lived in Scotland for a few years. We had shared most of our lives when we first started dating; what we had done, and where we had been.

 

But when I thought about it now, there were holes in her life story that I actually couldn’t fill, knew nothing about, things she obviously hadn’t  wanted me to know. I had never known, and I had never asked. Just because you love someone, that doesn’t mean you own them. Claire had secrets, and they were hers to keep. But it was different now, and Franks words came back to me. “ _But if I were you, I wouldn’t trust anyone. And that you know nothing just proves that your wife never trusted you to know.”_

 

What did he mean by that? _What was Claire keeping from me? What don’t I know?_ _Claire would never keep something from me that would jeopardize her safety, would she?_

 

The thought of danger, that there was something or someone that I didn’t know how to protect Claire from, was actually making me scared, more scared than I had ever been in my life. And how could I protect Claire from it when even she didn’t know, couldn’t remember?

 

I thought of Tina, then. She had been suspended yesterday, and I hadn’t even once thought of asking her what she did or why it had happened. We were coworkers, but honestly, I saw her as a friend. Not that I would have admitted it to her - she would probably have laughed and used it against me. The thought of Tina and her wicked attitude made me smile. The lass was smart and brilliant, and I couldn’t wait to introduce her to Claire. I decided that I was going to call her. Not now, but later, when it was an appropriate time to call. Tina could probably help me figure out some things, if anyone could uncover secrets, she was the one.

 

I looked down at Claire again. This was our first night sleeping together in a year. I still couldn’t believe it. To be this blessed, and to add Ellen into this amount of joy, there were no words. I closed my eyes and sent out a silent prayer of thanks.

 

**4.59AM**

 

Our early morning was yet another first. Ellen woke me up and I was fast to get to her. Claire was still in bed, and she laughed when I sprinted, half-naked, over to the crib where Ellen had been sleeping.

 

“Good morning little birdie,” I said and looked down on my daughter, her bright blue eyes staring back at me.

 

“That little birdie probably needs a diaper change,” Claire said. “Are you up for the task, Detective?”

 

“Me?” I looked back at Claire in the bed and she smiled at my nervousness.

 

“Yes, you. It’s time for you to buckle up and carry your daughter, she won’t break,” Claire reassured me.

 

I hesitated at first, but finally leaned down and carefully, so very carefully, picked Ellen up to place her securely in my arms. I relaxed when she didn’t scream and released the breath I had been holding. “ _Nighean,_ ” I said, low, and tears began to slowly run down my cheeks. “Aren’t ye the most beautiful lass in the world?”

 

This was the second time I got to hold Ellen and this time it was brighter, the lights in the room were turned on, and I could see her better up close. My heart almost exploded when I saw her smile at me, but it didn’t take long for me to realize that her smile was caused by something else entirely. My hand felt weirdly warm and then, suddenly, I felt something dripping onto my feet.

 

“Claire, ehm, could ye help me?” I said, amused, when I understood that her diaper was leaking.

 

Claire clamped her hands over her mouth when she saw the mess I was covered in, Ellen’s mess.  It wasn’t only on my feet, but smushed over my stomach, and it smelled terrible.

 

“You - into the shower. I will take care of Ellen,” Claire ordered and we both began to laugh.

 

**6.26AM**

 

I found Claire and Ellen downstairs in the kitchen after my shower. I stopped and leaned against the doorframe and took a moment to just take in the sight. Claire was wearing an apron, and she was dancing with Ellen in her arms, swaying back and forth, laughing and singing along to the radio. When she saw me, she stopped. I smiled at her, my grin so wide that I was afraid my face would crack in two.

 

“Are you clean now?” Claire asked with a grin of her own.

 

“Aye, I smell like I have been attacked by a rose garden,” I answered and that was when I saw the breakfast she had prepared. My eyebrows rose in surprise, I had been so caught up in watching her that I had completely missed it.

 

The table was set with two plates, beautifully decorated, and I was surprised when I saw the food on the table. There was bacon, all kinds of eggs; boiled, scrambled and omelettes, freshly baked bread. Old Claire hadn’t known how to cook. I was impressed, but also a little worried.

 

“I didn’t know what you liked?” Claire said shyly when I couldn’t stop staring at the food she had made for me. “Maybe you don’t eat breakfast?” she added and sounded even more nervous.

 

“I do, but ye didna need to do this,” I answered. “I never thought I would see the day that ye cooked and the kitchen wasn’t on fire.” I walked over to her and gave her a quick kiss on her cheek and she blushed. _Ah lass, you will be the end of me,_ I thought and bent down to give Ellen a kiss too.

 

“So I was _that_ terrible?” Claire inquired. “I took a few cooking classes, so hopefully I have improved...”

 

“Well, yer money was well spent, this look delicious, Claire,” I said, and wondered why she had taken the classes in the first place.

 

“Don’t say that yet, you haven’t tasted it,” Claire answered and put Ellen down into an infant carrier on the floor, next to the table. Ellen seemed to know what to do, and it was amusing to watch her try to catch the toys attached to it.

 

I filled my plate with bacon and two omelets. What made me a little worried was that Claire never had cooked me breakfast before. The gesture was kind, but this was probably something Frank had “taught” her to do. Maybe this was me overthinking and comparing her to her old self again, but Claire had never been the breakfast eating type and I had always made my own breakfast. I’d never wanted her to be the stereotypical wife, and she never was. Her life had never consisted of trying to please me. Not in the cooking department, anyway.

 

But I continued to eat the food she had made me, it actually was edible and she had made the bacon crispy, too, perfectly crispy. _Why are ye bothered, she is only trying to be nice,_ I chastised myself. Claire didn’t eat anything, as I had predicted, and it made me uncomfortable, knowing that she had made all of this while I had been showering.

 

“So you did all of the cooking then?” Claire asked. “If you are this shocked to see me boil some eggs, I can’t imagine that I did much cooking.”

 

“Well, ye worked different shifts at the hospital, so it wasna only because ye didn’t know how to cook that ye dinna make us dinner,” I said. “And I didna mind it, I liked to contribute. Plus, ye always appreciated it when ye came home tired after a long day and the dinner was done...”

 

“I forgot that I am… no, was a doctor.” Claire’s tell-tale glass face told me everything, she was getting sad again, now that I had reminded her of something else she had forgotten. I should have stopped, but I couldn’t.

 

“Ye have been wasting your talents by being a secretary...” I said, irritated and I thought of Claire being stuck in a office with Frank… Claire coming home, pregnant and tired, cooking for him.

 

“Even if I hadn’t worked for Frank, I still wouldn’t remember anything, wouldn’t be a good doctor, either way.”

 

“Do ye even want to be a doctor again?” I asked, curious if the passion for saving lives was still there. I tried to ignore the irritation that was getting more and more distracting.

 

“No, I don’t know, I honestly haven’t thought of it. Maybe that part of me is _gone,_ too,” Claire answered, low, and took a sip from her coffee. She was looking everywhere but at me.

 

“Ye dinna have to hide that ye are upset, Claire.”

 

“I’m not hiding anything, Jamie. I just don’t see the point in talking about this anymore,” Claire snapped back at me. “I just don’t want pretend I like the same things _you_ said I did before. I don’t know anything other then how to be Frank's secretary.”

 

“And what did _Katie_ want to do?” I asked, but stopped talking when I said the name that Frank had given her. Claire looked shocked, and I was too. I’d never wanted to hear that name again, and I couldn’t understand why I had said it. I tried to correct my mistake, but the anger bubbling up inside me made it worse. Big Red was my default mode when I was angry these days, there was no stopping him. “What did ye want to do? Take cooking classes and stay at home?”

 

I never meant to imply that being a housewife was a bad thing, but I hated the idea that she had been Frank’s. Katie was a different version of Claire and I was scared she was still there.

 

“I was taking care of _your_ daughter, _alone_ ,” Claire threw in my face. “That was the only thing I or _Katie_ were thinking about, and yes, I took a cooking class, I needed to feel useful at something! Franks complaining was driving me crazy. He hated my food.” Claire raised her voice and pointed an accusatory finger at me. “How dare you make me feel this small? You weren’t there, you don’t know what I did or how I felt.”

 

“Claire...” I said, but she just pointed her finger at me again and I thought it was wise to let her speak. I had never meant to shame her.

 

“You listen to me, James Fraser.” Claire said my name in the absolute worst way she had ever said it, and I swallowed hard. _Why did I say these things to her?_ Ashamed of my behavior, I continued to listen. “I might never remember and I won’t have you disrespecting me or my choices. Ellen will always be my first priority, I don’t need to be _anything_. I don’t need to become the incredible doctor you remember, you hear me?”

 

I nodded, and all the anger I had was long gone by now. All that was left was Jamie, shamefully regretting everything he had said. “Claire, I dinna ken what came over me, I never should have said that. Please, forgive me.”

 

“I can’t. Not now, not this easily.”

 

“I will make it up to ye, Claire, I _promise_.”

 

“I’m starting to get worried, Jamie,” Claire said, low. She had tears in her eyes, and I got scared. “All you do is make promises and say things that make me sad. If this is how our relationship was before...” Claire paused and my heart did as well. “If it was like this, I don’t know if I want it.”

 

_Silence._

 

My mouth hung open in shock, my eyes were wide with terror and my heart was racing so fast that I thought I was going to die.

 

“Claire,” I said. Not one of my thoughts was coherent anymore and I was panicking. “I ken what ye must think of me right now, and I hate myself for saying such things. I canna stop it, when I hear Frank's name it feels like I’m drowning in anger. But if ye can, please believe in this promise.” I took a deep breath, my voice betraying me. “I promise ye, this isn’t how it was, I wasn’t like this,” I told her with every ounce of sincerity I could muster. My hands began shaking under the table.

 

_Silence_

 

I was about to speak again when I heard footsteps coming closer and I turned around. Geneva walked into the kitchen, looking the happiest I had seen her since I first met her. _Please leave_ , I thought when she sat down next to me.

 

“Good morning,” Geneva said cheerfully and turned over on her seat in my direction. “Jamie, I just wanted to apologize for my behavior last night. I don’t know what came over me, we are both here in Claire’s best interest,” she said and took Claire’s hand in hers, but her eyes never left mine. I was surprised and caught off guard by her apology.

 

“Aye, I ken that ye must be feeling protective of your friend. I accept yer apology,” I finally answered and looked back at Claire. She was silent and crying. _Christ,_ _you are the worst fucking husband in the world._ How could I be this awful? I wished Claire would look back at me and see how sorry I was. But she didn’t.

 

“Good.” Geneva smiled and looked over at Claire. “Why are you crying? Claire? What is it?”

 

“Im fine,” Claire said unconvincingly, sounding empty. “Jamie was just about to leave.”

 

“Claire,” I pleaded, but she still didn’t want to look at me. “I don’t...”

 

“Jamie, you need to go to work. We can talk later.” Claire rose from her chair and left the kitchen.

 

“What’s going on?” Geneva asked. She sounded genuinely concerned.

 

“I hurt her feelings. I took my anger out on her.” I closed my eyes.

 

“Oh,” Geneva said. “I’m sure you will work this out later. It’s a lot to handle, for you too.” I opened my eyes when I felt her hand on top of mine. I didn’t want it there, I didn’t want her to touch me at all, but out of respect for our newly found “friendship” I needed to force myself not to rip my hand away. At that very second, Claire walked into the kitchen again. She looked down at the table, at mine and Geneva’s hands and this time I did give in to the urge and took my hand away. Claire's eyebrows turned into a confused frown of disapproval.

 

“I need to take a shower, Geneva, can you watch Ellen?” she asked.

 

“Of course, I’ll take her,” Geneva replied.

 

“Claire, can we please talk?”

 

Claire crossed her arms. She shielded herself, from me. But she nodded, turned around and left the kitchen and I was fast to follow, leaving Ellen with Geneva.

 

“I dinna want to go when it’s like this between us.”

 

“It is what is, I don’t like this either, Jamie, but I need some space.”

 

“I’m so sorry, Claire.” I wanted her to say she that she forgave me, but when I took a step closer, she backed away. “I will give ye space, but can we _please_ talk after I finish up work?” I asked, my heart was breaking as we stood there.

 

“You can call, but I can’t promise anything.” Claire still had her arms up, a shield, to make sure I didn’t come too close.

 

”Dont do this.”

 

”I can’t think properly when you are around, everything just... I need space.”

 

“I love ye.”

 

“Goodbye, Jamie.”

 

With heavy breathing and an even heavier heart I took my jacket and slowly walked out of the house. The cold air hit my face on my way out, it stung me as a painful reminder that I was crying, and that I no longer was welcome.

 

 _Why did it matter if she wanted to be a doctor or not?_ I scolded myself. It didn’t matter, Claire was what mattered. _Get a grip, Fraser, this is not supposed to be about ye, ye fucking idiot,_ I told myself as I walked to my car. Claire had only made me breakfast and I had blown it way out of proportion. _Fuck. How hard is to just eat and say thank you._

 

**7.02AM**

 

After I had scraped away all the snow from my car I called Tina. My mind was still thinking of Claire, but she wanted space and I was going to give her the courtesy. My work was the only thing I could do now, and I needed find out why Tina was caught hacking into the British government.

 

“ _The number you have reached is no longer in service,”_ a voice operator said.

 

“What?” I exclaimed and double checked the number. It was hers. _Where is she?_ I thought and scrolled down my contact list. I tried to call Jeremy instead.

 

“Where are you?” was the first thing Jeremy said to me when he answered.

 

“In the car, I’m on my way to the station. Have ye talked to Tina?” I asked.

 

“No,” Jeremy answered, and I could hear that something was amiss. “I called, but her number has been disconnected so I got worried. I’m standing in her apartment right now.”

 

“Ye are?” I replied, shocked that both of us had been wondering where she was at the same time. “I just tried to call her too.”

 

“All of her stuff is here, but no sign of her. She seems to have left in a rush, her computer is still on.”

 

“Can ye see anything on it? Maybe that will give us a clue what’s going on.”

 

“She has booked a ticket to England.”

 

“England?” I said, dumbly.

 

_Why are ye going to England Tina? What have ye found? Is this about the reason ye got suspended?_

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this ❤️ Please leave a comment


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @wunderlichkind was the best and beta this chapter too! ❤️

**A glimpse into the past -  Claire**

 

**16 May - 2012**

 

**5.49AM**

 

Claire got into her bathtub and watched the purple bath bomb she had bought dissolving until the water was completely colored in the same purple shade. The citrus scent filled the room and she started scrubbing her legs. Claire had one hour left before she needed to drive to work. The hospital was understaffed as usual and she knew it was going to be a long day, but she wasn’t bothered with the idea of going to work. Claire loved her job. It gave her life a purpose.

 

The night before, going bowling with Jamie, had been fun. More fun than she had had in months actually, and she was surprised by how easy it was, being with Jamie, especially because she’d always had her difficulties with the police in general. Their flirtatious banter had been refreshing. She liked Jamie’s bad boy attitude and how confident he had been when they first met at the hospital. But after the time they had spent together last night at the arcade, after she’d noticed how nervous he was around her, she felt even more attracted to him. His little stunt at the bookstore had just been the strangest and most hilarious thing, and she smiled to herself, thinking about it now.

 

At the end of the night, when he’d confronted her about her bowling skills, she had talked about Mary. It had been years since she had last mentioned Mary’s name out loud, and she wasn’t sure how she’d managed to say it without crying, so carefree. Being around Jamie made her feel comfortable,  safe even.

 

 _How can you be this happy, knowing what you did?_  the little voice in her head whispered. _You don’t deserve to be happy!_

 

Guilt and shame hit her and suddenly she had a hard time breathing. Mary Hawkins, her friend who had mysteriously disappeared five years ago. Claire would never forget, and she would definitely never forgive herself for letting the Dunsanys win. But Claire had been alone in the world, scared, with no family left. The last relative she’d had, her uncle Lamb, had died quietly in his sleep at the age of 58 just weeks after Mary’s disappearance.

 

Claire was the last Beauchamp alive.

 

Now, years later, Claire still didn’t really know what happened had to Mary, but she _knew_ that Mary was dead, there was no other alternative, and she knew _Geneva_ had something to do with it. That was the whole reason why she couldn’t trust people, and especially not the police.

 

After Mary had disappeared, Claire tirelessly did everything she could think of to make her voice heard, but over and over again she hit a wall.

 

At first, Claire had tried to file a complaint against Geneva, told the police that her friend had disappeared, and that she knew that Geneva was the last one to see her. But they hadn’t cared, nor had they bothered to hear her out. Instead they had plainly stated that Mary probably had a drug problem and was hiding. Mary had never used drugs. _Corruption._

 

When the police wouldn’t listen to her, she’d written to a newspaper. An open letter, explaining that the prime minister, William Dunsany, was covering up a murder that his daughter had committed.

 

But nothing had ever been printed. Claire had even went to talk to one of the journalists, and they had actually laughed at her, said that she was spewing conspiracy theories and threatened her that if she didn’t stop, they would call the police on her.

 

William Dunsany, on his part, had given her an option; take the money and disappear or she would be the next to go missing.

 

No one had believed her, and she had no one left. Geneva and her parents had too much money and power and their sole purpose had been to shut her down. So, when Lamb died, the last shred of family she’d had, Claire had given up, she’d had no more strength to carry on.

 

The money the Dunsanys gave her, the filthy money they’d paid her so she would stop causing problems - she took it and walked away, walked away from everything. Scared of what would happen if she didn’t.

 

It had felt like the whole world conspiring against her.

 

Moving to Scotland, eighteen and alone, Claire had felt that she needed to pay back in some way. She hadn’t been able to save Mary, but she could save others. That’s why she had become a nurse. She’d wanted to become a doctor, but she had doubted herself and “settled” to become a nurse.

 

It wasn’t much, not as much as she could have done if she had been a doctor, but she did make a difference, she did save people. Each patient helped healing her, patching her broken soul back together slowly.

 

It sounded silly, but meeting Jamie, for the first time in a long time, she didn’t feel alone. Only now - being in the apartment she had bought with the blood money - combined with the happiness she felt after her date with Jamie, reminded her that she was a hypocrite.

 

How could she go out on a date, bowling - something she had started doing with Mary in the first place - and with a cop of all people, to put more salt in the wound.

 

 _How could you?_ She asked herself. _How fucking could you?_

 

_-_

 

**23 April - 2012**

 

A week had passed and Claire still couldn’t stop beating herself up. She had punished herself, worked double shifts, triple shifts and now here she was in her appartment, barely standing with exhaustion, laying down for the first time in long, long hours. She closed her eyes. _This isn’t healthy, you are not a monster,_ she thought, or tried to talk herself into believing.

 

Jamie had called multiple times during these past few days, and the first time she had answered, but she’d lied and said she _needed_ to work. After that she just stopped answering when he called. Claire could only ever stare at the screen and watch it, lit up with his name, until he hung up. Somehow she couldn’t just end it with Jamie, she should have, but she didn’t want to.

 

_You didn’t kill Mary._

 

Laying there, still blaming herself, Claire realized that she needed to talk to someone, try and forgive herself. There were plenty of therapists at the hospital where she worked, she could have easily had picked one, but she couldn’t stand the thought of being alone with a random person who didn’t know a thing about losing someone, of talking to someone who had studied to understand, but maybe wasn’t really understanding. Strange as it was, she herself had done the same thing, studied to understand the anatomy, how to heal the human body, but still, she didn’t trust the system to help her.

 

A few hours later, Claire had searched the internet and found an anonymous support group meeting that was going to take place at a local library in Edinburgh that very same day. The online ad said that everyone was welcome to join, and Claire found a sort of comfort knowing that sharing with a group had worked before, after her parents had died.

 

**6.15PM**

 

It was a small group of people, only seven were attending. Claire had arrived early and sat in one of the chairs placed in the middle of the room and arranged into a circle. She had brought her own coffee and was taking a sip, listening to the other group members. The first one talking was an old man. His name was Isaac and he was telling them about the loss of his husband Charles. They had met when they were twenty years old and Isaac told the group how they had fought for their rights to love each other together. It was heartbreaking at first, hearing about the struggle and hate they had been forced to endure, being so young and in love in a time were their love had been forbidden and their families had shunned them.

 

But it was also heartwarming to hear how they got to spend forty years together until Charles had died just a few months ago. Claire couldn’t help but cry with Isaac. His way with words moved her and the wall she had erected around her own heart somehow felt like it was crumbling to pieces.

 

When it was almost Claire’s turn to speak, she got nervous and she started fidgeting with her sleeve. She looked to the right when the petite black haired woman next to her started talking.

 

“Hi everyone, my name is Jenny. I lost my mother one year ago,” she said and almost immediately started crying. Without thinking, Claire reached out and took her hand. The woman, Jenny, squeezed her hand in gratitude and continued to talk.

 

“My mother, _Ellen_ , she died almost four months after my father, Brian, did. My brother says it was because she was heartbroken. I came here today because it is the anniversary of her death. Me and my brother were supposed to visit our parents’ grave, but I couldn’t go...” Jenny looked to the ground. “I don’t know how to go on without them.”

 

Claire held Jenny’s hand the entire time she talked. Jenny told the group that her father, Brian, a police officer, had been shot and didn’t survive. His death broke her mother’s heart. Jenny cried and spoke so tenderly about her parents, how they had met and how much they had loved each other. After her father had died, Jenny’s mother had tried to cope, but with each day that went by she only became worse and Jenny later on told the group that Ellen had refused to eat towards the end. Claire felt sorry for Jenny, she knew how it felt to lose one’s parents.

 

Claire found herself imagining the fierce and strong woman that Jenny described as she told them that her mother had been a firefighter - the only woman in her department.

 

“I will tell my future children,” Jenny said, low. “I will tell them the story of a heroine, my mother, whose long, red hair was matching the flames as she ran inside a burning building.” Jenny told them the story how Ellen had single-handedly rescued a family from their burning house even though everyone else had told her not to, that it was a lost cause.

 

Everyone in the support group, except for Claire, responded and tried to reassure Jenny that she should feel a sort of peace, believing and knowing that wherever her parents were, they had each other.

 

Jenny continued to talk, her gaze distant, caught up in thought, when she began to talk about her little brother; how extremely worried she was now that he, too, had become a police officer like their father. Jenny told them that she was constantly afraid something bad was going to happen to him. Claire could feel how  she grew stiff when she said how worried she was that he never spoke of their father with her. She didn’t know how to make him talk about his loss. Jenny spoke for about forty minutes, pouring her heart out, and Claire hoped that she had been a silent support by holding her hand.

 

When it was Claire’s turn to speak, the intentions she’d come here with, her firm belief in her choice to attend the meeting had flown right out of the window. She was worried she had chosen the wrong group to attend - she had heard all the stories and felt unsure if she should share it _all_.

 

“My name is Claire Beauchamp,” she introduced herself. Jenny still held on to her hand and gave it an encouraging squeeze. “I lost my parents when I was twelve. They died in a car accident.”

 

Claire told them everything about the struggles she’d experienced as child, and she told them about the support group she had attended back then, and how much it had helped her. It became even more emotional when she sniffed out that her uncle, too, had died just a year later, leaving her alone in this god forsaken world.

 

“But the reason I wanted to come today was because I needed to talk to someone about my friend, Mary.” Claire hesitated, realizing that this wasn’t the right place to confess her secrets, to talk about how her former best friend had killed someone she cared about and gotten away with it. “I guess, I can’t let go.”

 

Everyone looked at her, patiently waiting for her to continue. Claire started panicking, what had she thought she would say? Jenny squeezed her hand again, this time in question, and Claire swallowed hard. “That’s it,” she said and took her hand away.

 

For the rest of the session, Claire felt like she was dying. This was a support group for grieving people and yes, Claire was grieving Mary, but what truly burdened her was that she was letting Geneva get away with it. This was not the place.

 

**8.43PM**

 

Claire was standing by her car, she had almost ran outside when the meeting was over. She turned around when she heard someone calling out her name.

 

“Claire. Wait,” Jenny shouted. She came jogging from the front door..

 

“I just wondered if ye wanted to grab dinner?” Jenny asked. That was not at all what Claire had been expecting her to say, and she was surprised by the invitation. “I’m sorry I’m being so forward, but I really could use the distraction.”

 

Claire had a few people she called friends. They were all coworkers, and she liked them. But she had never opened up to anyone about her past. Claire looked at Jenny and felt a small connection with her. They shared something that now brought them together, just like it had been with Mary.

 

“Why not, I’m free for the rest of the night,” Claire answered, cheerfully. There was something familiar and comforting about Jenny, something that made Claire want to spend more time with her.

 

“Well, let’s go then,” Jenny said cheerfully and jumped into Claire’s car.

 

They drove to a a steakhouse. Jenny told Claire that her uncle ,Dougal, owned it, and when she promised her a night of free food and drinks, Claire loved her already.

 

**9.59PM**

 

“So Claire, how come ye’ve moved here, to Scotland?” Jenny asked after they had finished their dinner and were on their second round of drinks. Claire wasn’t drunk, she was merely enjoying the company. They had been laughing a lot together and Claire felt that she could talk to Jenny in a way she hadn’t been able to with anyone since she had moved here.

 

“The truth...” Claire was nervous, but she wanted to tell Jenny. “I found out that my childhood friend - her name was Geneva... Well, I found out that she was responsible for the murder of Mary, you know, the girl I told you about before.” Claire looked at Jenny and she nodded for her to continue.

 

Without anymore hesitation, Claire told Jenny everything, from beginning to end. How she’d tried to fight the Dunsanys and how nobody had believed her. Jenny listened and let her talk, only letting out a few irritated huffs when Claire talked about Geneva.

 

In the end, Claire cried when she told Jenny about the money, about how she’d given up and fled to Scotland. About how badly she felt for being a coward.

 

“Claire, ye canna blame yerself.” Jenny held her as she talked. “This was not yer fault, and I canna imagine Mary would blame ye either! The Dunsanys sound like a wicked family, and they are who’s to blame for all of this. Ye canna continue to punish yerself for it.”

 

“But I gave up,” Claire said and sat up.

 

“What should ye have done? Continue to scream when nobody was listening? I could understand feeling guilty if ye’d never tried to do anything, but ye did, ye went to the police and they didn’t listen. Ye need to move on and forgive yerself.” Jenny looked at her, and it was as if Jenny’s words slowly hit her, she had done everything she could. She had tried.

 

”Geneva,” Claire said, the name of her former friend still a horrible after taste in her mouth. “ She killed Mary simply because she was my friend.”

 

“That lass is crazy, nobody has the right to play god or executioner. Do ye ken where she is now?” Jenny asked.

 

“I heard rumors that she moved to America, but that could be false. I don’t really know, but I hope for her sake that I never have to see her again,” Claire responded. “She told me she was in love with me, but after all these years of friendship...That she could truly believe she did this out of love...”

 

“Well if ye ever see her, call me and I’ll come help ye.”

 

“Thank you, Jenny,” Claire chuckled. “I haven’t told anyone this before.”

 

“I’m grateful that ye trust me,” Jenny said. “Okay, change of subject now: What about this guy ye said ye went on a date with? Dinna push him away. Ye deserve to be happy!”

 

“I really like him,” Claire admitted and wiped away a tear.

 

“But if ye like him, continue to date him, Claire.”

 

“He’s a cop,” Claire tried to explain. “I never thought I would trust the police again, but I think I can trust him. And we’ve only seen each other twice so far.” Claire tried to brush it away, Jamie probably didn’t want to see her anymore now.

 

“Not everyone’s corrupted, Claire, I should know. My father was a good man,” Jenny said, “and my brother, Jamie _,_ will honor his profession by being just as good… I ken he will.”

 

_Brother? Jamie?_

 

Claire’s eyes went wide and her heart started beating faster when she heard Jenny say Jamie. “Jenny… what’s your last name?” she asked, anxious that she had just told Jamie’s sister _everything_.

 

“Fraser. Why?” Jenny answered, confused.

 

“You’re Jamie’s sister...” Claire said, low. She could see it now, they had the exact same eyes. That was why Jenny had felt familiar.

 

_Oh no._

 

“I am, I dinna ken what just happened. Claire?”

 

“Jamie... He’s the one I’m seeing.”

 

“My Jamie?” Jenny asked and started laughing. “Well, I never kent. Claire dinna worry, I promise I won’t say anything to my brother.”

 

“But...”

 

“No,” Jenny interrupted her. “This stays between us. I can see how scared ye look, Claire, relax, I mean it. I’m not going to tell a soul. You are my friend now.” Jenny had stopped laughing, she was serious and Claire believed her.

 

Claire sighed, this was not what she had thought would happen today, and she especially hadn’t thought she would meet Jamie’s sister of all people.

 

“So, are ye going to call him? Jamie, I mean, ye said that he has been calling ye,” Jenny wanted to know.

 

Claire thought about it and found she really wanted to.

 

“Claire, ye bloody have to! Jamie has only ever gone out with total bimbos. Ye’re the first normal lass he’s met and I like ye.”

 

“You do?” Claire asked shyly. She felt the same about Jenny and it made her proud to be accepted.

 

“Aye, so I’m ordering ye, ye need to see him again,” Jenny said and sent them both into a fit of giggles.

 

“Alright, but how do I explain that I know you? If things go well, he will want to introduce me to you at some point.”

 

“Ye think too much, Claire. We dinna need to explain anything. Besides, I hope this won’t be the last time ye are going to see me? As I said, we are friends now, it doesna matter that ye’re dating my brother. But I ken Jamie and he doesna like it when ye lie to him, so if he asks, we’ll tell him the truth about how we met.”

 

“You’re right.” Claire smiled and felt her face getting warmer. She was blushing. “So your brother, he is the good kind, aye?” Claire’s imitation of Jenny was awful, and she knew it. On cue, Jenny burst out laughing.

 

“Aye, he is. To good, if ye ask me.”

 

“Well then, Jenny Fraser, I will call your brother.”

 

“But please, just because we’re friends now, dinna give me the dirty details later,” Jenny winked at her and grabbed her glass. “I ken he is pretty, but I really dinna want to hear it.”

 

“I promise,” Claire said. She took her own glass and held it up.  “Jenny Fraser, here’s to new beginnings,” Claire toasted.

 

“Slaintè. To new beginnings.”

  


**20 April - 2012**

 

Claire had called Jamie and asked if he wanted to grab a quick coffee. He was on his way over to the hospital. Claire only had one hour in between shifts and was waiting for him in the cafeteria.

 

As she sat by a small table in the corner, to her surprise she didn’t feel nervous at all. _Jamie probably is_ , she thought, and smiled to herself. Big as a giant, but a sweetheart - that was him, and she remembered again how good it felt when she was with him.

 

The door opened and Jamie walked in. He wasn’t wearing his uniform, but black jeans and gray shirt instead. Jamie smiled when he found her in the corner, and Claire felt like she had been pinned to the wall just seeing him. He looked even hotter than she remembered, and she wanted to run her fingers through his long red hair. Her heart beat faster the closer he got.

 

“Hi, Jamie,” Claire greeted him. She couldn’t hide how happy she to see him.

 

“Hey, stranger,” Jamie replied and sat down in the chair next to her. “Was afraid that ye didn’t want to see me again.” His ocean blue eyes looked at her and she was drowning.

 

“Im sorry about that,” Claire said, and to her surprise Jamie didn’t seem to be so nervous this time, but confidently took her hand in his, her own small hands disappearing in his grasp. “I’ve been working.” She tried to sound convincing, but he saw right through her.

 

“Aye, ye said that. But that didn’t stop me from worrying,” Jamie said, his thumb brushing over her knuckles and now she was the one who got nervous. “I have been thinking about ye. Canna concentrate at work, that’s how much I think about ye, Claire.”

 

“I hope you don’t forget to catch the bad guys,” Claire joked, not sure why she was suddenly feeling so jittery. “Wouldn’t want you to get hurt again.”

 

“If I did, ye could just stitch me back together again,” Jamie smiled. “I thought about that - whether I should just get hurt on purpose, ye know, when ye refused to see me.”

 

“You really are ridiculous,” Claire laughed. “I promise, if you get hurt on purpose I won’t patch you up.”

 

“No?” Jamie looked at her with the cutest puppy eyes. He reached out the hand not holding hers and placed one of her loose curls behind her ear. “I canna promise I won’t be reckless, Claire. Just the promise of getting to see you would be enough to handle the pain.”

 

”I guess I need to see you the next time you call then, so you don’t injure yourself.”

 

“I guess ye need to.” Jamie moved in closer.

 

“So how’s your arm?” Claire asked, and felt stupid for being so nervous but Jamie smiled and leaned closer. His breath smelled like peppermint. “What arm?” he replied, his voice lower, teasing, his lips just inches away from hers.

 

“You got stabbed, remember?” Claire said, the tone of her own voice matching his. Jamie took a tighter grip on her hand and her breathing became heavier.

 

“I canna remember anything right now, I just want to kiss ye.”

 

“What’s stopping you?” Claire said, boldly. All her fears of letting herself be happy were slowly dissolving. She liked Jamie and he obviously liked her back. There is a time and place for everything and this was theirs. Love is not promised, while death is inevitable. _To new beginnings._

 

Claire closed the distance between them, crushing her lips to his, and he responded by pulling her tighter into his embrace. His tongue carefully found hers and they melted into each other, neither of them caring that they were in a public space.

 

When they finally stopped to catch their breath, Jamie looked at her with such admiration, and suddenly she knew she was long gone, head over heels in love with him. _How can this be? We just met._

 

“I like ye, Claire, I hope ye know that,” Jamie said, low, still close with his forehead touching hers. “I really got worried when ye didn’t answer.”

 

“I like you, too, Jamie,” Claire answered and kissed him again. “I promise, I won’t do it again.”

 

“Good, cause I canna lose ye before I’ve had ye,” Jamie said simply.

 

“I want to tell you something,” Claire said and sat down properly on her own chair - she had almost been sitting in Jamie’s lap. “I met your sister yesterday.”

 

Jamie looked confused. “Ye did?”

 

“Yes.” Claire wanted to start this with honesty. “I met Jenny in a support group. You see, I also lost my parents and other people who I cared for, and I don’t know, we bonded and decided to go grab a bite after. I didn’t know she was your sister until the end of the night.” Claire sounded like she was defending herself, afraid to come off as though she was stalking him. “I just wanted you to know.”

 

“Did it help?” Jamie asked. He wasn’t upset with her, but Claire could clearly see the pain in his eyes. “The support group?”

 

“It’s nice to hear that you are not alone, that the pain you carry inside yourself doesn’t constitute you. Yes, it helped to ease some of it,” Claire answered. “Your sister is amazing. She helped more than the group session, I think.”

 

“Mm..” Jamie said. “That she is.”

 

“I hope I haven’t crossed the line, Jamie. I promise, I didn’t know,” Claire defended herself again.

 

“No, Claire.” Jamie placed his free hand on her cheek. “I dinna mind, I promise. Ye would have met her either way, I just didn’t know Jenny was going to a support group, that’s all. It pains me that I haven’t been the best support for her.”

 

“People handle loss differently.”

 

“Aye.. I still canna talk about it, but I should have seen that Jenny… that she needed me. Especially yesterday.”

 

 _The anniversary of his mother's death,_ Claire remembered.

 

“I think she knows, that’s probably why she went in the first place. She likely knows that you don’t want to talk, and she didn’t want to force you.”

 

“Still. I should have paid more attention.”

 

”Don’t beat yourself up with it,” Claire said, after all she knew all about that. “You live here in Edinburgh and she’s in, what was it, _Lallybroch_?”

 

“Aye, _Lallybroch_.” Jamie’s pronouncing of his childhood home almost broke her heart. He said it with such love and admiration, but his pain was evident as well.

 

“Maybe...” Claire hesitated. “Maybe you will take me there one day?”

 

”I will.” Jamie smiled, brought her hand to his lips and kissed it. ”I will.”

 

-

 

**6 December**

 

**7.38AM**

 

Instead of driving to the station I drove home, to Queens. The chief, Martin Lang, had called and left multiple angry voicemails asking where I was. Jeremy was on his way over to Claire's house for surveillance. Disobedience could easily be my middle name.

 

Frank was out and that was Martin Lang’s fault. Just because he said the case was closed didn’t mean it was closed for me. The rose scent from Claire’s conditioner was a distraction, she never left my mind, but she wanted space and I knew I had done wrong by her this morning. Fear of losing Claire was sneaking under my skin. Nevertheless, the real killer was still out there. For Lisa, Stefan and Deseree, I needed to find him.

 

I sat down at the little round table in my kitchen. All of Frank’s books were piled up in front of me and I started reading. The very first page of Frank’s notes on his sessions with William Buccleigh from -98 made me react.

 

**_William’s dreams about his sister reflect a feeling of misplacement. He feels that he doesn’t belong, his adoptive parents are afraid of him and they treat his sister differently, better..._ **

 

I stopped reading and grabbed my phone. I called my coworker, Sarah Holm.

 

“Fraser, where are you?” Sarah asked when she answered the call. “Everyone is wondering where you and Foster are.”

 

”Home,” I replied quickly. “I need a favor.”

 

“Home? We need you here. You have paperwork…”

 

“Listen to me,” I interrupted her, raising my voice. “Fuck the paperwork. I’m not going to write down a false statement claiming that Daniel Giovanni killed those people. Ye let out the man who kidnapped my wife, Sarah, ye owe me.”

 

“You know I just did my job,” Sarah defended herself. I knew she was right, but she still did it. There was a long pause, and then she sighed. “What do you want me to do?”

 

“I need ye to send me everything ye can find on William _Douglas_ Buccleigh,” I said. “He was born in England but was adopted, look for his birth parents.”

 

“Anything else?” Sarah asked.

 

“Do you know why Tina was suspended?”

 

“The Chief said that she has been in contact with John Grey again. She’s already been replaced and all of her things are gone. She’s been MIA since last night.”

 

John Grey was Tina’s former mentor and a criminal who nobody has found yet. He was the man who’d hacked into one of America's largest banks and  somehow had managed to transfer millions of money from corporate accounts back to ordinary people’s. The press had called him the modern time Robin Hood, taking millions from the rich and giving it back to the less fortunate. I hadn’t been here yet when all of that went down, but I was impressed, not only by his disappearance after, but mostly by how he hadn’t taken any of the money for himself.

 

“I see. Alright, but don’t close the case yet, stall Lang. And if he asks,” I said, “tell him that I am coming to the station later.”

 

“I hope you know what you’re doing,” Sarah told me and hung up.

 

I put my phone down on the table, next to Frank's books. _I know what I’m doing; my job. Dinna ken if this is the righteous path but I canna give up…_

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are getting to the end, on the case not the story haha. Hope you liked it


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was beta by the beautiful and talented @minstreltroubadour, Check her out.

**We are forever.**

 

**3 December - 2013**

 

_I had a few more hours left at work and that meant it was just a few hours left until I could see Claire. She was out with a group of friends from work. Apparently, when a new coworker started working at the hospital, they had this ritual were they all went out for drinks. It sounded fun and I was a little bummed out that she didn’t invited me, but we had agreed to meet up after._

 

_My best friend and soon to be brother-in-law, Ian Murray, had a few errands to do in Edinburgh and he asked me to take him out for dinner and of course, I was happy to oblige. I even had a few surprises for him._

 

_After my shift, we went to my Uncle Dougal’s restaurant. Like I always say, it really is the perfect place to go when you needed to save money. Every penny I could save, I did. I had a secret. I am planning to propose to Claire and the ring I had picked out well, it costs more than a police officer can afford. I know we only have been together a few months but Claire is the one and I can’t wait for her to be mine, forever._

 

_I just hope she will say yes._

 

_I had called the rest of the old gang earlier to surprise Ian. The twins Angus and Rupert, Willie and Laoghaire was already waiting as we arrived to the restaurant. It was a happy reunion and the first hours we ate and catched up with what one and the other had been up to lately._

 

_Ian was finally done with his studies and he had just started working as an architect in a small firm and he had his first big project coming up. After a few drinks, Ian told us how Jenny was acting insane when it came to all the details revolving their upcoming wedding. It was only two months away and the stress about my own revolution was bubbling inside when he told the group how much his wedding with my sister was going to cost. I wanted Claire to have the wedding of her dreams but I am afraid I’m not going to be able to pay for it._

 

_Angus was currently under training to become a policeman as myself. He had wanted to join the military but he didn’t want to be so far away from home. I was excited for him to graduate and my mentor only had months away until he was going to retire. I thought, It would be fun to have your friend as a partner._

 

_Rupert, Angus twin brother, was the opposite to his brother. Not only in size but in interest.  He was an author and had his second book coming out soon. He invited us all to the release party that was coming up in a few weeks. I was happy to hear that everyone was doing good and had the jobs they had wanted ever since we were kids._

 

_Willie, the youngest of our group announced that him and his wife was expecting and I was both surprised and happy for him. We are all so young, but he told us the baby was due in November and we ordered in more beer to celebrate._

 

_It’s strange how different our lives was but yet how the same we still were. Laoghaire told the group that she was planning on moving back home. Edinburgh wasn’t the place for her anymore. I thought Laoghaire was unusually quiet tonight but I understood why when she told us that her boyfriend had left her._

 

_We all grew up together and it was comforting in knowing we still could take the time to hang out. Almost everyone in the group had met Claire and they adored her, not that it was a surprise. She was absolutely amazing._

 

_“I have something to say.” I announced, not without feeling nervous and I waited until they all had stopped talking. “I’m planning to propose to Claire.” Just the thought of doing it made my heart beat faster._

 

_“What! Ye are?” Laoghaire asked, irritated or confused I couldn’t say. “You canna be marrying her? Ye just met her.”_

 

_“So? When ye know it’s right, ye go for it.” I said and shoot her a disapproving look. Laoghaire and I weren’t close, she was just a lass Rupert had been “dating” when we were kids and after they broke up, she somehow stayed. I liked her but her opinion wasn’t anything I cared about._

 

_“Well, I think this is great news Jamie! Ye need to give Claire that ring and make sure she stays, I like the lass.” Rupert said and held up his glass._

 

_“Thank ye, Rupert. I’m still saving for the ring, so as soon as I have the money for it, I will ask her.” I said and smiled. “Just need to come up with a plan how and when to do it.”_

 

_“What happened with yer mothers ring?” Ian asked me._

 

_“I have it.” I said and took out a little red velvet box and placed on the table. “But I want ye to have it.”_

 

_“What?” Ian looked at the box and I pushed it over the table to him._

 

_“Jenny deserves to have it.”_

 

_”Are ye sure?” Ian asked and I nodded. “Jenny will faint when she sees it. Thank ye James.” Ian took the box and opened it. I could see how emotional he was getting and I was even more happy about my decision to give it him. Jenny and our mother were so close and she still had a hard time with her passing. Now, in a way, she could be with Jenny on her wedding day._

 

_“So, Jamie lad, how are ye going to ask her?” Willie asked._

 

_“Ach, I dinna ken. Romance isn’t really my specialty.” We all laughed at that. Except for Laoghaire. “But I was thinking about asking her out on a date and just see how it goes.”_

 

_“Laoghaire.” Angus said. “Yer a lass, give the lad some advice.”_

 

_“Never met Claire, hard to know what she would like.” Laoghaire sounded bitter, I was not sure why. Like she said, she had never even met Claire. “But if it was me, I would have wanted you to do something special. Maybe take me somewhere that had a special meaning for us. Oh Jamie, remember that time when we stole that bicycle and ye gave me a ride home?”_

 

_“No.” I answered and everyone started laughing. Laoghaire started blushing. I never meant to shame the lass but I needed to stop whatever Laoghaire was trying to insinuate about us._

 

_“We maybe were seventeen and we had been at that party, you know when Angus was making out with the watermelon.” Laoghaire kept on pushing on this story. “It was a early morning and there was a beautiful sunrise, we...”_

 

_“Ah, yeah, I remember.” I interrupted her and I started laughing at the memory. I remembered how drunk I was that night and she needed a ride. “I really shouldn’t have been bicycling, I was so hammered. Didn’t we fall like four times.”_

 

_“Yeah we did, but don’t ye remember the sunrise?” Laoghaire pushes the subject._

 

_“Nah, but I remember the hangover the day after. My da yelled at me for hours.”_

 

_“I remember that too.” Angus said laughing, chiming in. “Your father called our mother and it wasn’t pretty when they hung up.” The whole group started laughing again. Except for Laoghaire._

 

_“But Jamie, how can’t ye remember?” Laoghaire said again, she sounded like she was about to cry._

 

_“Can’t remember what?” Claire asked, cheerfully behind me and I jumped of surprise. “Hi everyone!” she greeted the group and they all acknowledged her back._

 

_When did she come? What did she hear?_

 

_“Claire.” I rose from my chair. “What are ye doing here already?” I asked. Not that it mattered I was more than happy to see her. Claire wore a green shirt and black jeans and she was holding her coat._

 

_“Already?” Claire laughed and wrapped her arms around my neck, I drew her closer and kissed her like nobody was there. She tasted whiskey and she almost tripped over when I pulled her in. She was definitely drunk._

 

_“Earth calling. There are people here.” Someone said, not sure who and I didn’t care. Holding her, I wanted to take Claire home and have my way with her. All I could think of was to get her in a cab and back to my place._

 

_Claire introduced herself to Laoghaire and sat down on a chair next to me on the right. It was more and more obvious that Claire was drunk, she was acting differently and her laughter was in a high pitched voice. I don’t think I have seen her like this but I found her adorable._

 

_“So, what didn’t you remember?” Claire asked and looked at me then at Laoghaire, she was sitting beside me to the left. I grabbed my beer and took a big sip._

 

_“Our first kiss.” Laoghaire said simply and I choked on my beer. I had forgotten about that part but when she said it, it all came back to me. Everyone looked at me, including Claire._

 

_“First kiss?” Claire asked. Her tone of voice wasn’t high pitched anymore. She sounded sober all of a sudden and harsh._

 

_“Aye, first.” Laoghaire said nonchalant. She looked pleased with Claire’s reaction._

 

_“Well, please continue to tell this story.” Claire said and pointed her fingers back and forth at me and Laoghaire. “I mean, even the boys here seems as surprised about this. Let's hear it.”_

 

_If you don’t know Claire, you could easily think by the sound of her voice that she was carefree but I knew better. She was irritated and somehow, the awkward situation shocked me and I couldn’t get anything out. Laoghaire has never meant something to me, I felt nothing for her._

 

_”We kissed a few times, you know when you are a teenager and just want to explore...We, also, had too much to drink.” Laoghaire made it seem like we had done more than just kissing. “And I was just telling the guys about the beautiful sunset that night and I just explained that if Jamie was to propose to me...”_

 

_“What?” Claire interrupted Laoghaire and I wanted to scream at Laoghaire. “Propose? You lost me now. Why would he propose to you?” Claire was more angry than confused now._

 

_“Claire, we were just kidding around. Laoghaire is just blabbering nonsense.” I tried to save this and change the subject away from proposals._

 

_“Claire, I promise we are just friends.” Laoghaire suddenly said as she placed her hand on top of mine. I was fast to take mine away but Claire looked like she was about to throw herself at Laoghaire._

 

_What the hell is Laoghaire doing? She is ruining everything, I thought. The guys were drinking their beers, feeling uncomfortable and staying quiet. This weird night just turned even more awkward and no one said a word._

 

_“Well this escalated.” Laoghaire said and laughed. “I never meant to offend ye Claire. It’s done and over now.”_

 

_“I don’t know about ye guys, but I think it’s time to go home.” Ian said, breaking the bubbling tension in the room. “I have a long day tomorrow.”_

 

_Everyone agreed and we all started to put our coats and jackets on. The guys gave me a sympathetic look and Claire didn’t look at me at all. Our relationship was still new and we hadn’t gotten to the part about our former partners, not that Laoghaire could be counted as an ex. I haven’t even remembered that night until now when Laoghaire reminded me. That’s how little she and that kiss meant._

 

_When we stood outside of the restaurant, finally alone. Claire still didn’t look at me and she stood with her arms wrapped around her, facing the street, away from me._

 

_“Claire, are ye mad at me?” I asked, feeling quite stupid for asking when it was obvious that she were._

 

_“No.”_

 

_“Ye can’t even look at me.” I said._

 

_Claire sighed and turned around. I could see that she was angry. “Who is she? That Laoghaire girl..”_

 

_“She is just an old friend. I don’t know what was up with her.”_

 

_“But you have kissed her?”_

 

_“I have. Two times max but I was seventeen and it didn’t mean anything to me.”_

 

_“Apparently, it did for her and still does. And I can see why.”_

 

_That Claire was the jealous type, I could never have guessed. But how could she be jealous of Laoghaire when she wasn’t even half of the amazing creation that was named Claire Beauchamp. As far as I was concerned, no one could measure to her. No one._

 

_“What do ye mean?”_

 

_“Jamie, just look at yourself. You are beautiful. Of course, she still likes you. Who wouldn’t.”_

 

_“She doesn’t like me. I don’t know what she was doing in there but we are just friends Claire.” I wanted to chuckle even though Claire was right. I had used my looks to get woman in the past. But Claire had enchanted me and captured my soul - no one had come this close to me except her._

 

_“Jokes about proposals and hand holding, friends..” Claire said sarcastically. “It’s a shame, you guys would make a pretty couple. Barbie and Ken.” I could tell this was drunk Claire speaking but it was still Claire and I dinna like any version of her that questioned what I felt about her._

 

_“Claire, I don’t see her like that. Never have.” I said and took a step closer to her. “I only see ye.”_

 

_“I would understand you know.” Claire said and I had no idea what she was talking about. “If you wanted to be with someone like her. Jenny told me about all the blond bimbos you have dated before me. I’m nothing like them. I would understand.”_

 

_“Understand what?” I asked as calm as I could but she really was acting stupid._

 

_“I’m not thin, I don’t have blonde pretty hair.” Claire said and touched her own curly brown hair that I loved so much. “And I’m damaged goods. You would probably be better without me.”_

 

_“Are ye hearing yourself?”_

 

_“Yes, I know what I’m saying.” Claire started shouted. “You shouldn’t be with...”_

 

_“Are you serious?” I interrupted her and raised my voice to match hers to make her listen. “I dinna want to be with anyone other than ye. Stop this. You know that I love ye.”_

 

_“Love isn’t forever.” Claire said low, tears running down her face. “We just met, I knew this is to good to be true.”_

 

_“Stop saying that.”_

 

_“I’m just afraid you are going to break my heart, Jamie.”_

 

_“I won’t.”_

 

_“You don’t know that.” She was clearly having insecurity problems but how could she not see that I wanted her and everything in my world revolved around her. I knew she had secrets but nothing would change how I felt about her and about us._

 

_“I do, I really do Claire.” I said as convincing as I could. I wanted to marry her for Christ sake._

 

_“I have lost so many people already. I have been through so much and the thought of losing you...”_

 

_“Do you want to know why Laoghaire were talking about proposals?” I asked her, trying to end this issue once and for all. This wasn’t how I had planned to do this, but she was hurting and I wanted to reassure her that there was no one else. Claire looked angry again at the mention of Laoghaire but she nodded._

 

_“I told them that I was going to ask you to marry me.” I said shyly and her eyes went wide. “And I wanted tips how to do it. Laoghaire was just being a bitch about the whole thing when ye came.”_

 

_“You..” Claire started stammering, her anger slowly dissipating and now being replaced with shock, happiness and love. “You were going to ask me to marry you?”_

 

_“Aye. It’s only you, Claire.”_

 

_Claire was speechless and even though I didn’t have a ring, it was freezing outside and both of us a bit drunk, I saw no reason why not to do it right here and right now. I slowly got down on one knee, my hands shaking a little as I took her hand in mine and I looked up into her eyes._

 

_“Claire,” I said her name and her free hand flew up to her mouth. With no preparations nor speech I spoke freely. “Each morning, I wake up I am sure that I love ye to the fullest. But, everyday, I find myself falling in love with you even more. Ye are all that I have been looking for. I have been waiting for ye and now I when I have found you, Claire, there could be no one else. I lay my life before ye. My heart wide open for ye to see how much I love ye. I want to give ye the world and all I have is yours. I want to stand beside ye to the end of time. Love and cherish ye and be your husband. I am so sorry that I dinna have a ring but I hope I am enough right now.” I took a deep breath and my hands started trembling even more. “Claire Elizabeth Beauchamp, will ye marry me?”_

 

_“Yes, yes, yes! I will marry you, James Fraser.” Claire said and I got up from the ground. She threw herself in my arms, my hands still trembling but I wrapped them around her hips and I looked down at her. My pants were a little wet from kneeling but this was the greatest moment in history, if you ask me. Past to midnight, the darkness around us and as if god himself had been listening, on queue, it started to snow._

 

_“We are forever.” I whispered, my own tears falling down mixed with the snowflakes landing on my face. An indescribable warmth of happiness was filling my body that she wanted to be mine._

 

_“We are forever.” Claire repeated and she leaned her head up and kissed me._

  


_-_

 

**6 December**

**07.35AM**

 

Claire was in the bathroom, sitting down in the shower on the floor crying. Jamie had just left and Ellen was downstairs with Geneva. Ever since she found out the truth about herself, she cried all too easily. This emotional state she was in was difficult and so hard for her to bear. There was the anger, the sadness, but the emptiness she felt was the worse. She felt hollow.

 

_Lost._

 

Jamie had yet once again made promises he clearly couldn’t keep and then immediately asked for her forgiveness after his bad behavior. Was this how it worked in the past? She did something and that triggered his anger? A simple breakfast had turned him into someone else and when he started questioning her, she lost it. Being a doctor probably was a incredible job, but she doesn’t remember anything. She can’t operate on people. She can’t save lives.

 

_Why doesn’t he understand?_

 

Claire looked down on her hands, how could they have done miracles? They looked fragile and she couldn’t believe it.

 

Jamie had disappointed her, again. His presence had been her lifeboat, she felt safe and loved but now, she was scared that he wasn’t the man she had believed he was. It was all so confusing. She felt in her heart that she loved him but how could she trade one domestic relationship for another?

 

How can a man make her feel this strong, loved but all at the same time, worthless.

 

Frank, he had destroyed her. His words, his lies was to only thing she knew. He had wiped out her entire life and replaced it with something he had wanted for himself. Jamie had given her life back and filled her life with love but how could she trust him? She had trusted Frank and look what happened.

 

Claire was blank. A white piece of paper. Unwritten.

 

Claire got up from the ground and she buried her face in the hot warm water falling from above. The last time she was in here was with him. Everything was about him. _Jamie_. She cried again as Jamie’s kind face invaded her head.

 

She desperately wanted to remember, anything, so she could know how it had been before. This couldn’t be how it was. _This is hard for him too. He has been through a lot with your death and suddenly, you are alive. Give him a break._ A voice whispered in her head and she closed her eyes. A flash appearing but she only saw darkness.

 

 **“** **_We are forever.”_ **

 

Claire opened her eyes, _Was that a memory?_ It was Jamie’s voice she had heard. The second she had heard it she felt butterflies. Strange. She closed them again, trying to focus on the words she had heard and make them come back again.

 

**_“Each morning, I wake up I am sure that I love ye to the fullest. But I find myself falling in love with you even more everyday.”_ **

 

Claire remembers something, not sure what it was but it was Jamie. She only saw a flick of a moment. It was snowing and Jamie was standing in front of her.

 

**_“I want to stand beside ye to the end of time..”_ **

 

 _Trust him, trust his words. Trust the love._ The voice came back and she listened.

  
  


-

 

**6 December**

**11.56AM**

 

Several hours later and I was still sitti atng my kitchen table reading Frank’s notes. The more I read, the more scared I became. This William was definitely insane and Frank, nevertheless, said as much himself. My fears that Claire had spent one year with Frank was slowly becoming bigger and I didn’t know if what I felt was anguish or anger. I know shouldn’t blame myself for it but I do. Not that it would change anything but if I just could have searched for her, just once, if I hadn’t given up, maybe,  just maybe, I would have found her sooner.

 

The dream I had where she was drowning was something that still haunted me. It filled my body with so much anxiety and fear that she had been suffering. But knowing she had been suffering either way by being tricked and betrayed by someone who was this psychotic was almost even worst. I had no idea what kind of damage Frank had done.

 

On the outside, Claire looked and behaved almost the same and a fragment our love has somehow survived - definitely not the same but it was still there. We are both different but it was still us.

 

It was us in the shower and it was us outside of the restaurant, Sarafino. But all the arguments and the fighting wasn’t. I take full responsibility for it. I can’t seem to let go of the anger and I hated myself for taking it out on her.

 

Maybe that's why it's important that I don't stop finding for the real killer. Frank’s involvements made me even more determined.

 

When I read through his notes, I could see how Frank's handwriting changed. It was easy to see - in some pag,es it was perfectly written, each letter was handwritten in cursive and judging by how it was written, I knew that Frank waright-handed.

 

But there were some parts in the middle,where the letters were sloppy, smudged and hastily written. I could almost swear that it was written by someone completely else and that person was left handed. That made me think about Jonathan, the man Frank claims was his cousin but, in record, never existed. _Only in his head_. I thought.

 

Both Jeremy and Tina believed that Frank suffered from some split personality disorder and now, I think they are right. There was no doubt in my mind that Frank, in his sick way, loves Claire. _But what about Jonathan? Did he love her? Frank said that they had never met, why was that?_ I wondered. Even though both handwritings in the notes was clearly written by an insane person, I couldn’t figure out why Frank never let Jonathan meet Claire or Ellen.

 

My phone started buzzing and it interrupted my thoughts. I didn’t recognize the number. “Detective James Fraser.” I answered the call.

 

“Hello Mr. Fraser. My name is Mia Larsen, Federal Bureau of Investigation. I’m calling regarding Claire Elizabeth Fraser.”

 

“Aye, that’s my wife.” I answered with a shaky voice, absolutely terrified, that something bad had happened with Claire.

 

“Yes, well, I have her case file in front of me now. I would very much like to get in contact with her. Ask her some questions...” Mia Larsen said. I was silent, I couldn’t understand how they had a file on Claire in the first place. “And I must say, Detective Fraser, I have read it and I’m extremely surprised that you, as a policeman, hadn’t contacted us earlier.”

 

“If I didn’t contact ye, how do ye have a file on her?” I asked in the same harsh tone she had.

 

“Does it matter? We have it. And there is a warrant over here for Mr. Frank Randall.”

 

With that information, Mia Larsen was now my favorite person in the world. God bless her and the FBI.

 

“But...how?” I couldn’t get the words out. I was absolutely positive that Frank had been cleared of all charges when he gave us the killer’s name.

 

“Claire Elizabeth Fraser has been reinstated back to the living and with Katie Randall is no longer existing, her marriage with Frank Randall has been annulled.” Mia Larsen said and I wanted to cry. “But I really need to talk to Claire about her and her daughter and I need to talk to her _now_.”

 

“Of course.” I answered and gave her Claire’s phone number.

 

“Disregarding your wife Mr. Fraser, I would say that this is outrageous behavior from you. I see no hospital visits, no mental re-evaluation and she has no visa.” Mia’s list was long and I was shocked that I hadn’t done any of it. _Shit._ _What the hell am I doing?_

 

 _“_ I got this case this morning and the first thing I saw was that you, James Fraser, her husband, was a policeman working for NYPD. I was absolutely sure that it was going to be an easy and quick case to solve - But nothing, _you_ have done _nothing_!”

 

“I know. But...”

 

“No buts, Mr. Fraser!” Mia Larsen sounded like she was taking this very personal. I wasn’t going to argue with her as she was right. I had done nothing or what I had done maybe just made it worse. “As for Mr. Randall, we have got an anonymous call, claiming that you and your department at NYPD have released him on false grounds that wasn’t yours to make.”

 

“Hold up, I had _nothing_ to do with his release. I wanted him to stay in custody and then to jail to rot.” I said as I furiously slammed my hand down to the table in anger. “That was my boss’ doing. I canna get blamed for it.”

 

“I see.” Mia said and then, there was a long pause. I was ready for her comeback, her words that made me feel like I had been shot and it actually felt like I was bleeding internally. “I’m going to contact Mrs. Fraser now. I’m sure I’ll see you _soon,_ Detective Fraser.” She said and hung up abruptly.

 

I stared at the phone, it was lying on the table. FBI Agent Larsen’s accusations about my behavior and how poorly I had handled the situation with Claire was ringing in my head and it brought out more anger than I should be feeling. I knew she was right but that didn’t stop me. I jumped out of my chair and kicked it away with every bit of strength I had and it flew into the wall. My breathing was getting faster by the minute. The anger overthrew me and I started to kick the chair until it wasn’t recognized as a chair anymore. Pictures of Claire, Ellen and Frank circulated in my head and I became, if it was possible, even more furious.

 

Incapable of seeing straight anymore, I trashed my entire kitchen. The round table where I had been reading Frank’s notes was now lying on the floor, split in half. My knuckles were bleeding and Frank’s books were scattered all over the floor.

When there wasn’t anything left to break I fell down - collapsed to the ground as reality hit me. _I don’t know what to do_.

 

_I was helpless._

 

I have so much I need to do, so many obligations to fulfill and yet I can’t seem to be able to get off the floor. _I don’t know how to do this. How the hell am I supposed to be figuring this out? I need to catch the killer, I need to find Frank, and get my wife back. It’s too much._

 

Laying on the floor, I thought of Claire again. She hasn’t responded when I called or texted. What maybe was an innocent fight had turned everything around. Truth was, Claire doesn’t know me, she only sees what is happening right now and the fact was, I constantly disappointed her or hurt her feelings. _Am I going to lose her again?_ _Live a life without her knowing she is alive but out of my reach?_

 

The fear of losing her again was clouding my mind - No, it felt like an infectious disease attacking my body. It’s slowly getting access to my blood system, consuming it with black tar. Everything hurts. The only thing could feel like a cure was if Claire could remember again. Or vengeance, that would help some, too.

 

_Focus. I willed myself to be straight. First the killer then Frank._

 

I don't know how I got up from the floor but I did. I grabbed the books and walked to the living room. I couldn’t care less about the mess, I was living behind the kitchen and sat down on my couch. I picked the book from 1999 and continue to read where I stopped last.

 

**Frank’s Notebook - 1999**

 

**_William, Age 14._ **

 

**_He has stopped dreaming about his sister. He said that his family is still afraid of him and that hurt his feelings. In this session, he told me that he has now started to dream about the number 11._ **

 

**_William said that in the first dream, he saw eleven sheep standing in a row. Each sheep was white and he just stood in front of them, he couldn’t move. Nothing more happened._ **

 

**_I don’t know what eleven has for specific meaning for him. But I do know that eleven represents balance and progress. It may also indicate a thirst for spiritual awakening and advancement. I told him that. He took it positively._ **

 

**_The second time, he dreamt another dream. It was eleven horses, they stood in a circle and William was standing in the middle, he still couldn’t move. Nothing more happened._ **

 

**_The third dream was interesting. He says it was eleven men, all different ages and ethnicities, they were laying down on the ground. This time William was able to move and he walked around. Next to each man, there was a knife that lay beside them. He didn’t do anything but I asked if he wanted to. He wanted to stab them._ **

 

**_I told William that there are sayings that when you dream about the number 11. It’s the universe’s way of sending messages that are supposed to inspire and encourage the humankind to develop your abilities in ways that will help all of humanity._ **

 

**_William seems to appreciate my understanding, he says he feels safe. He wishes he could feel this safe at home with his birth parents._ **

 

**_The fourth dream was like the other ones. This time it was eleven girls. He believed they all were the same age as himself. They sat in chairs that formed a circle and he was standing in the middle again. There were no knives, no weapons at all. The girls were laughing at him, screaming mean things and the dream ended with him peeing himself._ **

 

**_William has begun to isolate himself. I continue to encourage him to be himself, that he is good and that the future will be his._ **

 

-

 

I stopped reading. Each victim had been stabbed approximately eleven times. Now, after reading about the dreams, I had never been more sure. William was our killer.

 

I grabbed my phone. No messages, neither from Jeremy or Claire. I dialed Sarah's number and called her.

 

“Officer Holm.” Sarah answered.

 

“Why haven’t ye called back? I asked ye hours about information about William Buccleigh.”

 

“I’m sorry…” There were people talking loudly in the background. “And I have been busy. We got the call an hour ago. They found a body.”

 

“What? Why haven’t ye called me? Who is it?”

 

“I’m standing in Geillis Duncan’s apartment.” Sarah said and she sounded really stressed. “She is William Buccleigh’s biological mother.”

 

“Wait. I’m on my way. I want to talk to her.”

 

“It’s too late, Fraser. She is _dead_.” Sarah said and I stopped moving.“But I have found some interesting information you might like.”

 

“What?”

 

“William Buccleigh has definitely been staying here and I found an ID on the floor. He’s new name is David Douglas.”

 

“Lisa’s boyfriend...”

 

“Yes.”

  


**12.49AM**

 

I hate to admit that I should have looked into Lisa’s boyfriend more but that wasn’t anything I could change now. I called Jeremy right after I had talked to Sarah on the phone and he was very pleased that he was right about David Douglas and he was on his way to meet up with me now.

 

The last place I could think of where David/William could be hiding was at Frank's house. I wanted to go alone but changed my mind pretty quickly. If there wasn’t anyone there to stop me, I will probably kill Frank.

 

I just hope that FBI hadn’t taken Frank yet.

 

I called Claire one more time as I drove over to Frank's house. I know she probably was still cross with me after my outburst this morning but I just wanted to hear her voice. I miss her all the time. And I was dying to hear what agent Larsen had said to her.

 

Claire’s phone was on but still, no answer. It went straight to voicemail and I left her a message. “Claire, it’s Jamie _again_. I know ye wanted space and this is me doing the opposite but I just needed to tell ye that ye were right, William Buccleigh is the killer. Yeah, I guess that’s all. Umh, please just give me a sign that ye are alright. Bye.”

 

Maybe it was because I had made progress in the case or because I knew that Frank was, now, wanted by the FBI, but I felt more free and strangely satisfied as I drove. Jeremy had been sitting outside Geneva’s house for hours and reported back to me that nobody had left the building. Knowing Claire and Ellen was safe made me relax and more focused to continue my work.

 

After this case is closed and everyone is in jail, I’m going to call Jenny, tell her everything about Claire and Ellen. Even the thought of moving back to Scotland was something I felt was a possibility. _I hope Claire would like to do that. Start over where it all began. Where we fell in love and maybe there, she will remember again._


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was beta/co-written by the beautiful and talented @minstreltroubadour, Check her out.
> 
> ⚠️: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS VIOLENCE

**Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.**

 

**6 December**

 

“What are you waiting for?” Jeremy rushed me. We were standing right outside of Frank’s door. “Just ring the damn bell.”

 

“Just give me a minute.” I answered annoyed. Something felt wrong. 

 

“Fraser, we don’t have time for this. I know you have a lot on your mind but you are letting it interfere with our job.” Jeremy said and I looked at him. ” _ But _ I get it however you do have a choice.” 

 

“What do you mean?” 

 

“Knock on that door or you go home.”

 

I considered my opinions, but there wasn’t any doubt, I  _ needed _ to do this. I shook my head and tried to let go of the bad feeling I had, Jeremy was right. I rang the doorbell. I was about to face the man who had kidnapped and tricked my wife once again.

 

It took awhile, then the door opened and Frank appeared in front of us. He didn’t look very surprised to see us nor scared that I was there. 

  
  


“What can I help you with?” Frank asked us as he straightened out his suit. I hinted a smile on his lips and I needed to restrain myself to not hit his stupid grin off.

 

“We are here on the behalf of your patient, William Buccleigh, or as he now calls himself, David Douglas.” I said sternly and Frank’s smile slowly faded away. “We have a warrant to search your house for him.” I lied hoping he wouldn’t dare to argue against me.

 

“Well, I don’t know where he is. I haven’t seen him in a while but do come on in and see for yourself.” Frank said politely and moved away from the door and allowed us into the house.

 

“Fraser, you go upstairs and I’ll search this floor.” Jeremy said and suddenly the thought of searching for William in the house where Claire had been staying gave me shivers down my spine. I hated this. 

 

_ Why are you so weak? _ I scolded myself as I walked up the stairs leaving Frank and Jeremy downstairs. I turned to the left and down the hallway until I stepped into big bedroom. Frank's bedroom. It was empty, nobody there. 

 

_ This is where she was, Claire. Just a few miles away from me. _ I thought to myself and swallowed hard when I saw the crib next to the bed.  _ Ellen. _

 

On the left side of the bed, on the nightstand was a book: WUTHERING HEIGHTS. _Claire’s favorite._ _It must have been hers_ , I thought and I felt nauseous. Even though she had lost her memory, Katie really had been Claire all along. 

 

My phone started buzzing and I took out my phone from my jacket. It was Tina. Suddenly, I heard footsteps behind me and they were approaching fast. I barely got the time to turn around before someone hit me in the head and everything became dark.

 

-

 

**15 May 2013**

_ A few hours before the ceremony. _

 

_ They had booked the Lunga House by Craobh Haven, Argyll. It was a beautiful unspoiled historical house from the 16th century on a hill overlooking the sea. Claire kept going back and forth by the window - she was only in her underwear and her nerves were starting to feel ridiculous.  _

 

_ She looked down on her hands. In just a few hours there would be a ring there, representing a life filled with promises. She no longer would be alone. _

 

_ Today was she day was going to become Claire Fraser. _

 

_ Her wedding dress was laying on the bed and her veil was next to it. Claire had been looking for the perfect dress for weeks and when she finally found it, the only thing she could think of was that it looked exactly like the one her mother had worn at her wedding. A white, boho crocheted vintage dress and it really was beautiful with the romantic tulle.  _

 

_ Claire had been good at keeping her emotions in check and partly locked away. It was necessary so she could survive. But today, she missed her parents more than ever.  _

 

_ If they only could have been here.  _

 

_ It was going to be a simple and small wedding, only a few of the existing relatives of Jamie’s were attending and their closest friends. But the Scottish Daily had been very interested in their love story.  _

 

_ Their love had been public noticed a few months ago and everyone had heard about James Fraser, the local Scotland Yard hero, and the aspiring Dr. Claire Beauchamp, getting married. But it wasn’t their engagement that gave them the attention at first but a photo that was quickly spreading. _

 

_ To make a long story short. It was a lucky coincidence really. A photographer named Edward West had been walking by outside the restaurant at the same moment Jamie kneeled down in front of her. It was an opportunity he couldn’t pass up. This was the candid money shot every photographer hopes to get that puts them in magazines. He quickly took out his camera, stayed and watched, curious to what she was going to answer him. The photographer didn’t know who they were but as he heard Claire say yes and Jamie rose from the ground, he took the shot.  _

 

_ The picture was then later posted on the internet and if Claire could say so herself, it really was magical. The photographer had managed to capture their kiss in a series of photographs, captured at the exact and right time - the snow that was falling that very second couldn’t be seen in the pictures, yet it looked like Claire and Jamie were surrounded and protected by a white veil of their light and love.  _

 

_ A perfect moment frozen in time. Forever. _

 

_ The photos quickly spread and become viral online. This prompted a search for the couple in the pictures and by some sort of wizardry, one Carol Henderson knocked on their house one Sunday afternoon. _

 

_ Carol Henderson, a journalist with the said paper, had approached her and said that theirs was going to be “The Wedding of the Year” that she hoped to get an exclusive report on their love story that she wanted to write and publish. Claire had found Carol adorable immediately when she listened to her talking about her and Jamie. _

 

_ After some discussions with Jamie and later some back and forth with Carol. They both had agreed to let the daily Scottish be there to attend and write about their special day. Claire had doubts that it was a bad decision, she never really cared for this kind of attention, but in this way, it would be well documented for them and it will be a nice memory to show their kids someday.  _

 

_ Jamie was just a few rooms away and Claire really wanted to sneak into his. Not that she had cold feel and needed reassurance, but they hadn't slept in the same room last night and it had been hours since she last _

 

_ Standing in her room, looking down on the pier where she was going to be in a few hours and after arguing with herself for a few minutes, Claire decided to ignore the saying that the bride wasn’t allowed to see the groom - she just missed him too much.  _

 

_ Claire grabbed the white robe hanging on the wall, carefully the opened the door and peeked out her head. The hallway was clear, no sign of her nightmare of a bridesmaid slash future sister in law, Jenny, who had taken the role to help out, albeit if a bit too much. _

 

_ Claire laughed at herself as she ran down the long hallway towards Jamie’s room. It felt forbidden and fun. Her hair wasn’t done yet, her wild and untamed curls flew all over her face. Claire felt a little breathless as she knocked at his door. _

 

_ “Claire?” Jamie was already wearing the white shirt he was going to wear later and a pair of black pants. He looked shocked and a little terrified when he opened the door and he saw her standing outside. “Are ye alright? What are ye doing here?” _

 

_ Without saying a word, Claire smiled, walked past him and let herself in to the room. Jamie’s room looked exactly like her own. Blue wallpapers with silver stripes and hardwood floors with a big bed with Egyptian cotton sheets and a little desk next to it.  _

 

_ The estate and the room was too old, too historical for Claire’s taste but Jamie wanted to get married here and she let him have it. The actual ceremony was being held outside, right by the water.  _

 

_ “Claire? Ye know it’s bad luck to see the bride before the wedding.” Jamie said, treading carefully - not wanting to waste the day with an argument. _

 

_ “I never knew you were so superstitious.” Claire teased. “I just came for a kiss.”  _

 

_ “So if I give ye one kiss, you will go back to yer room?” Jamie asked, sounding suspicious and he was right to be, she definitely wasn’t going to settle for just one kiss. He eyed her outfit, her tiny short robe that ended just above her knees.  _

 

_ She knew that look. _

 

_ Claire had a broad smile on her face. She always does get what she wants. She walked over to Jamie, both leaning forward at the same time, and his eyes impossibly seemed even more blue than before. His lips felt warm and he tasted fresh like he just had brushed his teeth. The kiss made her tingly but Jamie, to her disappointment stopped the kiss, leaving them both breathless. “This is a terrible idea,”  _

 

_ “The worst.” Claire confirmed and started to unbutton his shirt and he didn’t do anything to stop her again. Jamie smelled good and she kissed his chest before she threw the shirt on a stool behind him. She regretted that the shirt would have been wrinkled with her ministrations but the feeling of his hands roaming her body made her ignore everything else at the moment - everything except her future husband. _

 

_ Wanting to feel him, his skin against hers, Claire slowly opened up her robe, letting it fall down to the floor, revealing a matching set of black laced underwear. She thought briefly that it would have been way more fun if she had come to him naked but that surprise would just come another time. _

 

_ Jamie looked warm, his cheeks red and flushed. Claire pulled at his hand, her fingers barely managing to circle around his wrists. Jamie followed her lead, chest against hers and they fell down onto the bed. Claire on top, straddling him. _

 

_ “Christ woman, ye really canna wait until tonight?” Jamie nervously and breathlessly asked.  _

 

_ “No and, apparently, not you either.” Claire teased as she felt him hard under her. _

 

_ “I always want ye, but is this really the best idea?” Jamie asked, sounding serious.  _

 

_ “See it like a farewell shag.” Claire said leaning down to kiss him, to quiet him down, or rather, calm him down. _

 

_ “Farewell?” Jamie sounded worried and Claire could understand why. The ridiculous man must have thought she meant she was leaving. How on earth could he think that for a second, she wondered, it was their freaking wedding day, for christ sake! Nonetheless, she knew how to appease him. _

 

_ “Oh sorry, love. I didn’t mean it like that. More like a ‘farewell Miss Beauchamp and Welcome Mrs Fraser’ shag.” She said and couldn’t help but laugh at her own ridiculousness.  _

 

_ “Ye are not Mrs Fraser yet.” Jamie winked at her and it was a terrible attempt that only had her laughing even more. _

 

_ “Am I really going to have to beg you to take me?”  _

 

_ “Please do.”  _

 

_ “You know what. We can wait.” Claire said, shocking Jamie by climbing off him and putting her discarded robe back on.  _

 

_ “What?” _

 

_ “Yeah. You are right, this probably will give us bad luck, I should go.” Claire was teasing him but hoping, that he would stop her before she got to the door. “See you at the altar. I’ll be the one in white.”  _

 

_ “Hard to miss.” Jamie joked, suddenly standing close behind her. Claire smiled to herself with her back against him. He kissed her neck softly, knowing exactly where to kiss to send shivers down her spine and give her goosebumps. “I guess it canna hurt if ye stay for awhile.”  _

 

_ “What’s the worst thing that could happen?” Claire said and turned around to face him. _

 

_ “That ye change yer mind and say no.” It wasn’t meant as a joke, his tone of voice was serious again.  _

 

_ “Do you really think I would change my mind?” Claire became serious herself and slightly annoyed. Sure this was fast - them, the wedding - but she had never been more sure about anything or anyone. “Don’t you know that there could be no one else? We are getting married in a few hours, Jamie. Please don’t doubt how I feel about you.” _

 

_ “I don’t. I just...” _

 

_ “Then stop questioning me” Claire interrupted him. “Jamie, I would die for you. I would trade my life for the sake of our love. Don't you know that?” Claire must’ve said the right thing and she felt Jamie’s shoulder visibly relax as he released a long calming breath. _

 

_ “I’m sorry, you are absolutely right. It’s just the nerves talking. You ken I would do the same. I love you Claire.” _

 

 _Good._ _You know I love you, too, right?” Claire said and Jamie just nodded. There was still a small knot in his forehead that she reached out and tried to smooth out with her hands. “There’s something else. What is it?”_

 

_ “Och, it’s just…”  _

 

_ “What?”  _

 

_ “There was something I wanted us to do after the ceremony but with ye right here, now, hair untamed and curly around ye just as I love it, here in my arms, looking at me like I’m the only man in the world…” _

 

_ “You are the only man in the world for me” Claire interrupted, letting her hand fall from his face to wrap around his waist.  _

 

_ “Well, right now seems like the perfect moment for it.” Jamie paused and untangled himself from Claire to reach out for a white cloth and a small knife from his bag. “It’s a wee gift from Ian”  _

 

_ Claire touched the soft fabric in her hands and let its softness sooth her. It was simple save for the highland lace design that ran through the edges. Claire was entranced by it until Jamie broke through her thoughts. “There is a tradition in Scotland called handfasting. I dinna know if I ever mentioned it to ye but it’s a wedding tradition that has been done in my family as long as I can remember.” _

 

_ “I want to do it” Claire said firmly, looking at him with such sureness that took Jamie’s breath away.  _

 

_ “Ye dinna even know what or how it is, sassenach.” Jamie gave a light chuckle in the situation.  _

 

_ “I don’t care what or how it is. If it’s important to you, then it’s equally important to me. I want and will do it.”  _

 

_ Jamie nodded, amazed at the brave wee sassenach that came to his life. “Hold out your wrists.”  _

 

_ Claire did as told and Jamie pulled out the his knife. “This is called a sgian dubh. It’s been in my family for generations and only used for this occasion.”  _

 

_ Jamie held her wrist in his hand and looked at her. She looked unsure of what they were doing but didn’t attempt to pull away. “Do you trust me, Claire?”  _

 

_ “With my life” she replied and slowly, Jamie made a light cut across her wrist and then proceeded to do the same to him. He pushed their wrists together and placed the white cloth over. Claire was a fast study and got the hint. With only one hand each to both their disposition, they managed to wrap the cloth just like they how do things - together.  _

 

_ “Say the words after me” Jamie said. _

 

_ What followed next was a declaration gaelic words Claire didn’t know what meant or understand. But it didn’t matter because she knew and understood Jamie. The look of his eyes on hers, the way he held her eye contact - never breaking except to blink for a split second, the admiration and love that etched his perfect face that was clearly reflected on hers too as they continued to speak alternately. When it was done, Jamie pulled out the fabric and released them from its hold.  _

 

_ “What did the words mean, Jamie?” Claire asked, heart very full and overwhelmed by their feelings. The atmosphere in the room was electric and intimate and Claire thought - no, hoped - that this would be their feeling always for the rest of their lives.  _

 

_ “Tis naught but a bit barbaric and pagan but it symbolizes the binding of two people together, Sassenach. It says,” Jamie grabbed her scabbed hand and placed a kiss right in the wound. “Ye are blood of my blood and bone of my bone,  _ _ I give ye my Body, that we Two might be One. I give ye my Spirit, 'til our Life shall be Done.” _

 

_ Claire gasped at the depth of the promise she just vowed to Jamie - not because of how big a commitment it was but rather, to her, it perfectly summed up what she felt for Jamie and the life they want to build together. “I meant every word of it” she said.  _

 

_ Claire kissed him again, her tongue eagerly sliding across his mouth and teeth biting down on his lips before letting go. “We don’t have all day.” She said, raising her eyebrows and wiggled them. Jamie started to laugh and lifted her up, her legs wrapped around his hips. _

 

_ “We don’t have all day she says.” Jamie muttered amused to himself. “Let’s say goodbye to Miss Beauchamp then, she won’t forget this.”  _

 

_ - _

 

**6 December -**

**3.38PM**

 

“Congratulations, Detective Fraser.” 

 

I heard Frank voice and my eyelids fluttered. I opened them slowly, unsure of what was happening. Everything around me was blurry and the room had bad lightning, making it even more difficult to see. I started panicking a little when I felt that my arms were handcuffed behind me. 

 

“You are smarter than I thought.”

 

When my vision cleared, I could see that I was sitting on a chair in a basement. Frank stood in front of me smiling and holding a gun. _Is that mine?_ _Where is Jeremy?_ I wondered.

 

“If I were ye, I would run. When I get lose, I will kill ye.” I shouted. Frank started to laugh, his posture changed and I wondered if I was about to meet Jonathan again. 

 

“How do you think you will get loose?” Frank asked me as he played with the gun.

 

“Where is William?” I asked. I had seen just a glimpse of him before I passed out when he hit me in the head.

 

“Upstairs.”

 

“And why isn’t he down here with us?”

 

“Oh, he will. Patience, detective.”

 

“Alright. What’s the plan then?” I asked him and started to look around in the basement. I could see that he probably used this space as storage as to the left there were more boxes than furnitures. I wandered around the room and my heart almost stopped as I saw the blood and then Jeremy laying in it. He was lying in the right side corner, on the floor next to a table. He wasn’t moving and his eyes was wide open. He was dead. 

 

 _Shot in the stomach._ _With my gun._

 

“You fucking bastard.” I shouted and tried to get free but the cuffs only strained harder around my wrists, clawing into my skin. When I didn’t think that I could hate a man more, he proved me wrong. 

 

“I’m sorry about your partner.” Frank said unsympathetic and cold. I watched him as he slowly walked over to where Jeremy was lying.

 

“Don’t fucking touch him.” I swore to Frank and then, to God and to Jeremy that I will find justice for this continued insanity.

 

“He sacrificed himself for you...” Frank said as he looked down on Jeremy’s lifeless body. “He heard when you fell down and ran upstairs to check out what happened.”   
  
“And how did he die?”

  
“I shot him. I was planning on shooting you as you laid there but he jumped in front of you.”   
  
“Why am I still alive?” I asked, my voice shaking, I could feel the tears burning for the loss of the only friend I had made here. “Why not kill me when I was unconscious?”   
  
“It’s more fun like this.” Frank said with a smile that annoyed me to end.

 

“Now what?” I asked, I needed to buy some time. I feared of what was going to happen with Claire and the thought of Frank killing me started to consume me.

 

“This could have been so easily you, if you only could have stayed away. We were happy you know, me and Claire.” Frank ignored my question.

 

“You seem to think very highly of yourself.  _ Claire _ didn’t want to be with you and I’m sure  _ Katie _ would have left you eventually.”

 

“You are wrong.” Frank shouted, I clearly provoked him.

 

“Am I? Did she say she loved you?”

 

“She did. Multiple times.”

 

“Ye are lying - to me and yerself, Frank.” I tried to sound calm, I didn’t want him to shoot me. I needed a plan.

 

“Claire loved being Katie. I gave her the opportunity to be who she wanted to be and then Claire became Katie all by herself. I only gave her nudge.”

 

“A nudge.” I shook my head, Frank was insane and deranged. “Keep telling yourself that.”

 

“What have Claire been telling you? Has she said that I mistreated her? Abused her? No! I never, I. LOVE.HER.”

 

“Ye ken nothing about love.”

 

“I can reassure you that I completed my duties as a husband should. Don’t forget that we spent one year together and not once, did she complain that she was unhappy or unsatisfied.” 

 

I knew exactly what he meant by unsatisfied and I saw red once again. I tried to furiously get lose by the cuffs around my wrist to no use, I could feel the steel boring even more into my skin. 

 

“Dinna matter what ye will do with me. Claire kens the truth now and she will  _ never _ , be with you again.”

 

“That’s where you are wrong, Fraser. As soon as you are dead, Claire will be  _ mine _ again and this time, we can be together for real.” 

 

“Dinna hold yer breath the  FBI have a warrant for ye.” I tried to scare him. “And my coworkers at NYPD will wonder where Jeremy and I are” The fact that even though I was bound to a chair and that Frank was in complete control of the situation, it did not seem to change the fact that he was still terrified of me. He could act tough but I saw right through him - gun or no gun.

 

“Well, it’s best that we have to be quick about it then?” Frank said, sounding worried as I thought he would get as he started chewing on his thumbnail. He looked at me, then looked away. He furrowed his brow as though deep in thought

 

“Do you honestly think this is going to end up with you being free, and with Claire?” I asked hoping to get him back to reality.

 

“I do. I really do. Don’t worry, detective, I will take care of them.” Frank said low, then he was getting distracted or lost in his thoughts again.

 

“And who is going to kill me? You?”

 

“Sadly, no. I will leave that up to William.”

 

“What about Jonathan?”

 

“What about him?”

 

“Where is he?” 

 

“Behind you.”

 

I tried to look back but being restrained was making it difficult. There wasn’t anyone there, just an empty bookshelf.

 

“I guess I should be grateful for you. At least acknowledged to me, once and for all, that you are completely insane. Jonathan doesn’t exist. There is no one there.”

 

Frank fell silent, narrowed his eyes and stared at me for a second. The doorbell rang through the house and heard into the basement. Frank ignored it but I hoped it was reinforcement, someone to save me. It rang again.

 

I heard the click of the door unlocking and then, footsteps coming down. I knew, then, it wasn’t someone who was coming to help me. 

 

“Frank, there is someone at the door.” William Buccleigh said, or as I knew him, David Douglas. His blond hair was cut shorter. He was carrying a black toolbox and I felt more gutted surrounded by one psychotic man after the other. 

 

“If it isn’t the wicked boyfriend coming to join the party.” I said sarcastically. William’s face turned bright red with either embarrassment or fury. When looked at me, his brown eyes almost look black yet he didn’t answer me.

 

“Frank?” William said neutrally as possible. “You really should go upstairs.” 

 

“Gag him.” Frank ordered William. “I don’t want him to make any sound.”

 

“Yes, sir.” William responded and Frank walked up the stairs and closed the door behind him.

 

“So ye are the one who has been killing everyone?” I asked William. If I was going to die, I could at least get some answers before. 

 

William walked past Jeremy’s dead body, he didn’t even look at him and I wanted to scream at him.  _ How can they be this cold? _ He placed the toolbox on the table and opened it, placing item after item on the table. I couldn’t see what it was but by the clinging sound, I believed the box contained tools and I honestly started to get scared.

 

“Why did ye do it?” I asked him. Trying to ignore the fear that he was going to use the tools on me.

 

“I had to.” William answered short and turned around to face me. “You wouldn’t understand.”

 

“Try me.” 

 

“I loved Lisa.” I could hear the sincerity in his voice. Maybe, he really did love her.

 

“What happened?”

 

“She broke up with me, said that she loved someone else.” 

 

“So, she deserved to die?”

 

“Yes. The dreams told me that she was going to leave but I didn’t want to believe them.” William said coldly as he grabbed a knife from the table and I tried to remain calm. “They said that I needed to stab her if she left.”

 

“Eleven times.” I said.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Still don’t understand why ye listening to dreams.”

 

“Why does anyone worship God? Believing in a higher power. It’s the same thing.”

 

“No, it’s not. The dreams are yer subconscious - it’s you.”

 

“Well, that would make me a God wouldn’t it.” William laughed.

 

“Pathetic.” I said and William stopped laughing and he hit me in the face with the back of the knife. I felt my mouth starting to get filled with blood and I spat it out on the floor next to me. “This is yer mind playing tricks and somehow ye believed that ye are god almighty. Ye have killed four people, including yer own mother. There is nothing holy about ye.”

 

“Five actually.” William corrected me. “I killed Daniel too.”

 

“Figure that was ye.” I answered gutted. I could have solved this case the first day. Jeremy, god bless his soul, had been right all along. I should have listened to him.  _ Fuck.  _ This was my fault, every person Willam had killed was on me, including Jeremy. 

 

_ Maybe I deserve what’s coming. _

 

All of a sudden, though not unprovoked, William kicked the chair I was sitting in and I fell backwards, landing with a pained yelp as I hit my head hard in the concrete floor. 

 

“I am the chosen one, the universe chose me.” William turned away and walked towards the stairs, leaving me on the floor in pain with my dead partner a few meters away. He slammed the door hard behind him.

 

Laying on my side, I felt nauseous. My head hurt and I probably had an concussion. The handcuffs were straining my hand so hard and I could feel my wrists slowly losing blood flow. 

 

_ Fuck _ , everything hurt. 

 

I tried to move but there was no use. Minute by minute, I felt myself drifting into unconsciousness. I looked at Jeremy, wishing I could close his eyes, but instead I closed my own.

 

-

 

**_15 May - 2013_ **

 

_ The wind was blowing pretty hard, the white clouds was started to look grey and scottish bagpipes were playing in the background.  _

 

_ I looked up and my breath got caught in my throat when Claire stepped through the garden doors. She looked radiant in the white dress that floated around her as she moved and I watched her intently as she walked down the aisle - or what really was a regular pier with a red carpet. Claire was holding onto her bouquet of flowers for dear life, a sprig of white heather hidden in the bouquet for good luck token.  _

 

_ As Claire walked, she wished that her father was here to walk her instead of walking alone. But focusing on Jamie helped her forward, his eyes reaching hers and he smiled. She knew they would have love and approve of Jamie if they ever had met him. _

 

_ Jamie was standing at the far end, next to the priest, and all the guests were sitting on chairs behind her on the grass. She barely saw anyone of them - only him. Jamie had changed out of his black jeans he had worn earlier today and was wearing a kilt. He looked dashing in his tartan, absolutely magnificent, and the Fraser colors matched the ribbon on her veil. _

 

_ Finally, Claire stopped to the left of Jamie. Scottish brides used to be viewed as the warrior’s prize, Claire had read about it and there was a old Scottish tradition that meant that the grooms had to hold their captured bride with their left hand, so that they could fend off anyone who tried to interfere and other foes who tried to take her. Claire liked that and stood proudly next to her warrior, his glimmering smile matching her own. Jamie reached out his left hand for her, she was freezing a bit but his hand was warm as always.  _

 

_ The priest started talking and Claire tried to concentrate but all she could think of was the last part of the ceremony. The “I do” part. _

 

_ "Claire and James, have ye come here to enter into marriage without coercion, freely and wholeheartedly? Are ye prepared, as ye follow the path of marriage, to love and honor each other for as long as ye both shall live?” The priest asked. _

 

_ “I have.” Claire said simultaneously at the same time as me.    _

 

_ “James, do you take Claire to be your wife? Do ye promise to be faithful to her in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, to love her and to honor her all the days of your life?” The priest asked me and I took a firmer grip of her hand. _

 

_ “I do.” I answered nd Claire seemed to glow from within as her face lit up in a smile. I took out the ring from my pocket and slowly started treading it on her finger. The silver ring fitted her perfectly. _

 

_ We had engraved both our rings with the phrase ‘We are forever’. _

 

_ “Claire, do ye take James to be your husband? Do ye promise to be faithful to him in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, to love him and to honor him all the days of your life?” _

 

_ “Yes. I do, I do.” Claire answered eagerly and she heard the guests laughing at her enthusiasm.  _

 

_ As Claire was positioning my own ring on my finger, tears pooled in her eyes and her bottom lip began to quiver. I squeezed Claire’s hand in encouragement but I barely had the will to keep it together myself. _

 

_ Facing each other, Claire smiled at me and my heart fluttered. I couldn’t believe that it had only been one year, one month and two days ago since I met her for the first time. And here we were. Husband and wife. _

 

_ ”I now pronounce ye man and wife. Ye may kiss yer bride.” _

 

_ I kissed her lips chastely and Claire wrapped her arms around my neck, deepening our kiss, “I love you.” I whispered against her mouth and didn’t care about the tears falling down. I felt completely loved and content. If I was offered a chance to live in one single moment forever, it would be this.  _

 

_ “I love you, too,” Claire whispered back. The applauding from our guests, the wind in our hair and the promises on our fingers, We are forever. _

 

-

 

**6 December.**

 

I woke up, still lying down on the floor, drenched in cold sweat and fear. I looked around the room and I felt disoriented, wondering what time it was. It was darker now even though the lamp in the corner was on. Someone had placed it there recently and I knew it was the lamp was there for a purpose, so I could be tortured to watch Jeremy’s dead body, his open eyes staring at me.  _ I am so sorry, my friend. _

 

I heard voices coming behind me but I couldn’t tell who or what they were saying. My headache was almost unbearable and I couldn’t feel my hands anymore. Dried bloodstains on my face and my breath still tasted blood from when William had hit me.

 

”Jamie.”

 

Claires words finally registered, and I seemed to snap out of it.

 

_ No. No. No.  _

 

”Claire?” I shouted and I desperately tried to move.

 

“No, it’s  _ Katie _ .” She answered and I stopped moving.

 

Frank came to stand in front of me and someone manage to lift the chair I was handcuffed to upright again. My eyes search the room for Claire and there she was, standing in the basement just a few meters away. Her arms wrapped around her.

 

“Are ye okay?” I asked, scared, and hoped that Ellen wasn’t here too. I relaxed a bit when I couldn’t see her in the room.

 

“I’m fine, Ellen is fine too.” Claire reassured me. But her words came back to me,  _ No, it’s Katie. _

 

_ “ _ What’s going on?” I looked directly at her, her safety came first and right now we both were in danger. But why was she saying this. 

 

“I’m sorry Jamie, But I can’t be Claire anymore.”

 

“What?” 

 

“I know this will sound horrible, especially right now. But I can’t live a lie, I can’t be who you want me to be.”

 

“Who I want ye to be?” I repeated dumbly. “I don’t…” 

 

“I  _ want _ to be  _ Katie _ .” She said and walked over to stand next to Frank. “And I want to be with  _ Frank _ . I’m so sorry but this is how I feel.”

 

I was speechless.  _ Is she serious? _

 

“Ye are lying.”

 

“I am not. I have forgiven Frank for lying.”

 

_ Is this a trick? Is she playing Frank? _

 

“I will give you two options.” Frank said victorious and I wanted kill him. “Die right here and now or I’ll release you if you will promise to never come back.”

 

_ “ _ Are ye completely mad? Do ye really think I would left you get away with this? Are ye fucking daft…”

 

“For me, Jamie.” Claire interrupted and I couldn’t understand what she was doing. “Do it for me.”

 

Maybe it was all the blood I had lost.  _ Was this Claire someone I was imagining right now? Was I dead? Or dreaming? _ I couldn’t understand what the hell was going on but the pain reminded me that this was real.

 

“Frank, can you let us talk?” Claire turned to face him, she looked at him lovingly and cupped his face with her hands and I just couldn’t believe what I was seeing. “Alone.”

 

“Of course, love. We will be right upstairs.” Frank replied.

 

William and Frank walked up the stairs, never even looking back and disappeared through the door. I waited until I heard them close the door.

 

“Are you okay?” Claire asked, she sounded worried but harsh.

 

“No, what are you doing here?”

 

“I came to talk to Frank.” 

 

“Stubborn woman, why on earth would you do that?” I asked, irritated at her for putting herself in a dangerous position. “What are you doing?”

 

Claire stayed silent and I couldn’t understand why she was acting like this. 

 

“I’m sorry for this.” Claire looked sorrowful at Jeremy and then back at me. “I’m so so sorry. I never thought this would happen. But I meant what I said Jamie, I want to be Katie again.”

 

I blinked. Not understanding why she was still acting, there wasn’t anyone here.

 

“I have tried to remember, tried to play Claire but all I could think of was that I missed Frank.” Claire said and my mouth fell opened in shock,  _ What the hell is she saying? _

 

“I tried, I really did but I don’t love you.”

 

“Why are ye doing this?” 

 

“I’m only asking for your sake, that you take Frank’s offer. Move back to Scotland Jamie. Forget me.”

 

“Are ye serious?” If I felt any pain, it was nothing compared to what I was hearing and experiencing now.

 

“Yes.”

 

”I don't believe ye for a second.” I tried to stare out the truth from her, make her show any sign that she was lying or bluffing.

 

“Do you really want me to convince you? Argue with you how I  _ don’t _ love you? How I  _ don’t _ feel anything but pity for you? Because that the truth, I pity you and now I ask you to save yourself.” 

 

“Why are ye crying then?” I question her. There was tears running down her cheek. She wiped her face and saw the surprise in herself as if she didn’t know they were falling in the first place

 

“Your partner is lying there dead, Jamie. Can’t you see how serious this is? I  _ don’t _ love you but that doesn’t mean I want you to die because I don’t.  _ Please,  _ take Frank’s offer. Be safe and just leave us alone.”

 

“This isn’t real.” I whispered, shaking my head. “This isn’t real.” Forgetting I was handcuffed, I reflexively moved my hand to cover my face but to no avail. I couldn’t hide my emotions, especially from Claire. I can’t believe this is all happening.

 

“It is. After everything, you can’t give me the benefit of the doubt and let me be happy with Frank?”

 

“The hell I can’t.”

 

“I can’t stand the thought of being Claire one more day and I don’t want you. I’m sorry.” Though shaky, her voice sounded sure.

 

“Claire...”

 

“Stop calling me that.” 

 

“Please, don’t forget that you loved me.”

 

“I have and I don’t  _ want _ to remember.” She said and she didn’t look like Claire anymore. Just as Claire gave that declaration, Frank and William came back.

 

_ When your biggest fears comes to life, when you already are on the edge, the world disappears and so do you. You close your mind, turn it off, and let yourself drift to a black hole of oblivion and never expect to come out. _

 

William walked directly to where I sat and gave me a strong punch in the gut. On a normal day, I could take it but with the situation with Claire, I don’t want to anymore. 

“No retort, Fraser? Are you getting soft on me?” William tried to provoke to fight back but I had nothing to fight for anymore. My wife is gone again, my friend is dead. Maybe me dying would be better.

“Do what ye must. I matters not to me” 

William took this permission and started hitting me again. Frank joined the rendezvous and took out his swiss knife and ran a blade along my arm. It was superficial but it nonetheless, sting. They were laughing, I was sure that Frank wasn’t here, this was Jonathan.

 

In all these, I simply stared at Claire. She said nothing and there was a horror behind her eyes that I could not place. Nonetheless, if this was my end, I want my last vision to be of her.  _ My wife. _

 

More cuts and punches landed everywhere on my body and yet, I did not resist anymore. Frank held my face in his hand, forcing me to look at him. “Seems like you’ve made your choice, Fraser” 

 

There was no use in living anymore.

 

“Aye, I choose to die.” The words was barely a whisper escaping from my lips. I willed my eyes to turn to Claire and with the last ounce of energy I had, I looked at her and said “I don’t want to live in a world without you again.”   
  


  
  



	18. Chapter 18

**_The sacrifice we make for love._ **

  
  


**_6 December._ **

 

**_Jamie_ **

 

I had chosen to die. I didn’t believed that she would let them do this but she wasn’t Claire - not anymore. She was Katie now.

 

_ Broken. _

 

I don’t know what I had expected. I only found Claire two days ago. Of course she didn’t love me the same as she had in the past and now, I know she never would. I was only a stranger to her but I had been so sure, that she, at least, wanted to try. But apparently her feelings towards Frank was stronger.

 

_ Empty. _

 

I was laying in a puddle of my own blood on the floor - everything hurt and I was freezing. I looked over to the staircase where Frank and Claire were still standing, they had been talking for the last few minutes as I was laying here bleeding to death.

 

Everything happened so fast. Claire - no, Katie - had screamed, horrified as Frank and William uncuffed me and dragged me down on the floor. I didn’t try to defend myself as I never expected her to stay and watch. I felt some kind of relief that she tried to save me. Claire had tried to pull Frank away from me but there was two of them and William was the one with the knife. 

 

_ This home is lost, nothing left. I surrender - till death do us part. _

 

William had taken his knife, the same knife he had used to kill the others, and stabbed me - eleven times - in the exact same place.

 

The only thing I heard was the ringing sound from when William had hit me in my head earlier. I couldn’t hear what Frank and Claire were saying but he looked satisfied and happy enough that it honestly brought out more pain than the stab wound in my stomach. 

 

Dying should have been the worst outcome - but hearing Claire say that she doesn’t love me was worse. It hurt more and that was probably what killed me. 

 

_ Lisa, Stefan, Deseree, Daniel, Geillis and Jeremy.  _ They had all died. They had suffered from the same psychotic man who was now out to kill me. But it doesn’t matter now, I don't want to live anymore. I closed my eyes and waited for William to finish the job.

 

Nothing happened.

 

I opened my eyes tiredly. The room was spinning and I should be scared that I no longer felt pain - it was just the evidence of me dying. 

 

I saw Frank’s eyes widen in surprise and suddenly, his hands is over his head. Then I looked at Claire, who was standing with her back against me, defending me against Frank.

 

_ What is she doing?  _ __   
  


_Bang_. One shot. _Bang_. Another shot. And then, Frank collapsed on the floor. _Did she shoot?_ _William?_ Surprised _,_ I looked at Frank’s lifeless body. Dead.

 

The doors swung open, armed men with guns all pointing at William filled the basement.  _ Maybe it was them who shot him? _

 

_ Too late. _

  
“Jamie, can you hear me?” Claire said as she threw herself on the floor next to me. “Please, stay with me.”

 

I didn’t understand what she meant. But I felt comfort in Frank’s death - Claire and Ellen would be safe from harm. 

 

_ I can go now. _

 

“The greatest thing I have ever done was love ye.” I whispered with the last strength I had left. I knew I was dying and that she doesn’t love me - but I had to say goodbye, let her know that I loved her. My eyes closed shut, I couldn’t keep them open anymore. “And now you are safe..”   
  
“Open your eyes, Jamie!” Claire screamed, but her voice slowly started to fade away, sounded more distant as I felt how my life was ending. My body was giving up and there wasn’t any going back.   
  


_ Bright light. My mother’s voice. Warmth. _

 

“I love you, I love you, I love you!” I heard Claire say  _ or was it her? _ I didn’t know what was real anymore and I didn’t care. 

 

To die and live in a sacred world where she loved me again - if this was heaven, I embraced it.

  
  


  
**_Claire_ **

 

Claire watched Jamie's eyes beginning to flutter open, staring into nothing and then closing again. 

 

Panicking, she desperately tried to remember. She had been a doctor once, for christ sake, she had saved lives before and now, the most important person she had was dying and it was her fault.   
  
“Jamie!” Claire screamed, but it was clear that he didn’t hear her anymore. There was so much blood and she tried to stop it - first by wrapping a blanket against the wound and then compressing it with her hands. 

 

Jamie’s lips started moving, nothing came out at first. Claire eyes widened, just staring at him as if that would will him to live.

  
“Don’t forget that I loved ye....” Jamie abruptly stopped talking and all her hesitation suddenly vanished as Jamie stopped breathing.    
  
_ His heart had stopped. _ __   
  
Claire quickly moved her hands and placed them over his chest and began pumping, her clasped hands against his heart, counting her movements. She pinched his nose closed and lowered her lips to his, breathing into his mouth and watching his chest rise. 

 

_ Nothing _ .   
  
In the back of her head, a voice said,  _ brain cells begin to die after approximately 4-6 minutes. _ __   
__   
Claire repeated her actions twice more, her heart beating frantically. 

 

“Where is the ambulance?” Claire screamed back to the policemen as she saw them drag Willam away. The policeman shrugged but turned to his phone again but there was no sign of medics. She panicked, feeling desperate.  _ Where are they? Why aren’t they helping me? _

 

_ There was just too much blood.  _

 

Claire lowered her mouth to Jamie’s a final time and breathed into his and she felt enormous relief when his eyes flew open and he began gasping, pulling fresh air into his lungs.   
  
Claire, then, fast lowered her head down to Jamie’s chest. She could hear a ‘barely there’ heartbeat and tried to not let the panic overtake control of her mind, he was alive.   
  
“Didn’t you hear me?” Claire cried at loud. “I did it to save you, but you - you stubborn scot, you believed me so easily.” 

  
“How could I not?” Jamie answered low and he closed his eyes again, the pain was unbearable. “The things ye said....”

 

Jamie started drifting into unconsciousness again.

  
“Not one single word was true, Jamie.” Claire kissed his wet cheek, first the left ,then, the right. “I’m so sorry.  _ Please, _ forgive me. Don’t leave me.”

  
But Jamie didn’t respond, his eyes closed again.

 

“No!!” Claire screamed and started CPR all over again. “Please, help me.” She turned her head back towards the stairs. And this time, help came.

 

As the paramedics ran down the stairs, everything seemed to go in slow motion. Jamie was barely breathing, the only thing keeping him alive - was her hands. 

 

Claire cried harder as she was forced away by the paramedics - away from Jamie’s lifeless body. They placed him on the gurney and in just matter of seconds, he was gone.

 

_ What have I done? _

 

Claire looked down on her bloody hands - his blood. The white scar shining on her wrist was bloody and a set of flashes appeared in the back of her mind. She gasped as she heard Jamie’s voice, sounding clearly as if he was there with her. 

 

Flashes of light, a thunderstorm of different images coming to her. 

 

_ Hospital room - Jamie - Needles _

 

_ - _

 

**_13 April  2012_ **

_   
_ **_Full Name:_ ** _ James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser _

**_Born:_ ** _ 1 May 1989 _

**_Height_ ** : 6’4

**_Weight_ ** : 96 Kg / 209 pounds

**_Occupation:_ ** _ Police Officer _

 

_ Claire had read his file before he came in and Officer James Fraser wasn’t what she had expected from the last minute stab wound she needed to tend. _

 

_ “Okay, this is the worst part.” Claire said calmly. _

 

_ “Aye, it’s fine. Just do it.” James answered irritatingly and she became annoyed. His rude attitude only confirmed what she had believed. _

_  
__“How did this happen?” Claire asked in her professional nurse voice and pointed down his bloody arm._ _  
__  
___“I tried to stop a robbery. I took down two men but one of them had a knife.”

 

_ Stupid reckless man.  _

 

_ Claire shook her head as she put on sterile blue gloves. Jamie was extremely attractive, she gave him that, but he was like all the others - cocky and impolite. _

 

_ Jamie’s wound was quite serious and Claire was surprised he didn’t want any anesthetic. She tried to focus while stitched him up but he was moving. _

 

_ “Don’t move...” _

_   
_ _ “Oh, sorry.” Jamie looked up again fast and she saw that he was red, embarrassed. He was definitely looking down her cleavage, Claire thought, but somehow she wasn’t offended. _

 

_ “So, am I going to survive?” Jamie was clearly joking, his grumpy attitude gone but Claire became irritated, this was a serious matter. _

_   
_ _ “Yes. But this isn’t funny, Mr Fraser. You were lucky this time.” Claire answered. _

__   
_ “I know that, lass. I’m just kidding. Relax, aye? Dinna be so serious.” _ __   
__   
_ “I would have fun at home by now if it wasn’t for stupid men like yourself getting injured. My shift actually ended 10 minutes ago but I need to stay to fix this mess.” _ __   
  


_ Claire finished stitching him, sitting on a chair next to him and she sighed. She never behaved this unprofessional and rude but there was something with this man that made her I annoyed - what, she didn’t know. Maybe it was his recklessness, how he didn’t care for his own life. _

_   
_ _ “I’m sorry, Claire.” Jamie said and she was surprised with his apology and the sincerity in it. _

 

_ Oh god. The way he said her name, she melted.  _

 

_ “It’s Nurse Beauchamp for you.” This time it was her joking, but she needed to control herself when she started to smile, this wasn’t appropriate.  _ __   
  


_ What am I doing? _

__   
_ “So, I noticed that ye are English?” Jamie asked and Claire wanted to laugh again. It was obvious with her British accent but she kept a straight face. _ __   
__   
_ “Mmhm..”  _ __   
_   
_ __ There was a strange tension in the room, almost electric, and Claire found herself suddenly wondering what colors his eyes were - that information wasn’t in his file.

 

_“Done” Claire announced, rising from her chair and throwing her gloves away in the bin. Jamie didn’t move from the chair and honestly, she didn’t want him to go - not yet anyway._ _  
__  
___“Thank you, Nurse Beauchamp.” Jamie said and he looked into her eyes.

 

_ They were blue, the same nyans as the clearest ocean and she swallowed hard. In a blink of a moment, there was something. She couldn’t tell but something happened within her.  _

_   
_ _ “I hope I don’t have to see you here again, Mr Fraser.” Claire said and she regretted saying it instantly. It was a lie, she definitely wanted to see him again. _

_   
_ _ “But ye probably will...” Jamie said, laughing. “And if I get myself hurt again in the future, I hope it will be you who will stitch me up again.” _

 

_ I hope that too, Claire thought to herself. _

 

_ “Goodbye, Officer Fraser.” _ __   
  


_ ”Please, call me Jamie.”  _

 

_ - _

 

**_6 December, 4.21PM_ **

 

**_Claire_ **

 

_ “ _ Excuse me?” A voice said, startling Claire and bringing her back to reality. A blonde police woman stood in front of her. “I am Sarah Holm, I need you to come with me now. I will escort you to the hospital.”

 

“I need to get my daughter.” Claire answered and horror came back when she remembered Frank's last words before she shot him,  _ Don’t trust Geneva.  _ Not sure what it had meant but it was clearly a warning. 

 

“We have her.” Sarah Holm said and Claire blinked confused, not sure what she meant or what was happening.

 

_ “ _ Your daughter is  _ safe _ , my coworker has her. They will meet us at the hospital.”

 

_ Relief. Pain.  _

 

_ So much pain. _

  
  


**_4.38PM_ **

 

Claire got into the police car with Sarah, sat down in the passenger seat, and held on to Jamie’s phone in her hand. She was shaking. 

 

“I don’t understand. How did you know we were here?” Claire asked. “Who has my daughter? What’s going on?”

 

“I wish I knew it all, but I’ll tell you what I know.” Sarah answered and turned over to face Claire, the key inserted in the ignition but she didn’t start the car. “I know you are James’ wife and that you have lost your memory. I haven’t been that involved with your case but my colleague, Tina Knight, our former forensic, was. She stormed into the station a few hours ago, waving evidence in her hand, screaming from the top of her lungs that we needed to drive over to your house.”

 

“What did this Tina found?” Claire asked terrified, Frank’s warning ringing in her head.

 

“Tina had confidential files on your friend, Geneva.” Sarah sounded hesitant. “And it appears that Geneva Dunsany was your friend from before...”

 

“What do you mean before?” Claire interrupted her. “Did she know I was Claire?”

 

“Well, Tina found records, grades, and it seems like you and Geneva went to school together.” 

 

_ “What?” _

 

_ “Yes _ , and Geneva, too, was a former patient of Frank’s.”

 

As if life wasn’t bad already with Jamie fighting for his life. Now, Geneva, her only friend, had been lying to her this whole time. 

 

“I don’t understand...” 

 

“Like I said, I don’t know everything. Tina has Ellen and they are meeting us at the hospital.”

 

“But where is Geneva? Is Ellen okay?”

 

“Ellen is fine, I promise.” Sarah said in a softer tone. “Geneva is currently in custody but not for long. We don’t really have grounds to keep her at the moment. Tina found a restraining order that you had filed against her but that was years ago and it has expired. We don’t have much to go for, but for now, she is locked away.”

 

Sarah started the car and Claire stared out the window feeling betrayed, angry and confused.  _ Why did I have a restraining order? Geneva was Franks patient? What is real? _

 

A buzzing sound, Jamie’s phone was ringing and Claire looked down on the screen.  _ Jenny Fraser _ , she swallowed hard and she answered.

 

It was the hardest phone call she had ever experienced. 

 

At first, Jenny screamed when she heard Claire’s voice. Then she started to cry, and laugh at the same time, not understanding a thing and questioning how she was alive. 

 

Claire desperately tried to interrupt and tell her about Jamie but Jenny clearly was in shock with the news of her resurrection. Her husband, Ian, needed to take over and even he was questioning her living state. Claire briefly explained that she had been in a accident and was suffering from memory loss, she gave him the non-detailed and fast version.

 

When Claire finally said that Jamie had been shot, Ian stopped talking and she heard him cry. Not time or place to tell them about the whole situation, Claire ordered them to fly to New York. 

 

_ What if he dies until they get here? How do I tell them that it’s all my fault? _

 

Because it was. Claire had told Jamie the truth when she said she was there to talk to Frank, but  _ everything _ else after that was a  _ lie _ . 

 

_ The only way to fight your demons is to confront your fears.  _

 

That’s why Claire went to Frank's house in the first place. She wanted to confront him - and then move on.

 

But the moment Claire walked into Frank's house, she saw the blood tracks in the stair carpet. In some strange way, she remained calm and started lying - she said she was there to talk about them. 

 

Frank believed her - every single word. 

 

All the lies Claire told him was hard and even unbearable to say, but not knowing who’s blood is was, she couldn’t risk it. 

 

But the real nightmare started when Frank said he had a surprise for her. Scared for her life, Claire followed him down the stairs and she almost fainted when she saw Jamie, unconscious and tied up to a chair. 

 

“This is the reason we can’t be together.” That was what Frank had said and pointed to Jamie. “He needs to die, then, we can finally be together again.”

 

It only became even more surreal when Claire saw Jamie’s partner, Jeremy, lying dead in the corner. Quickly, she decided that the only way to save Jamie was to sacrifice herself. 

 

”Frank, I'm here, I love you." Claire said, turning to Frank and caressing his cheek, plastering on the most charming smile she can muster. "Don't do this. For my sake, release Jamie"

 

Claire said this just as Jamie woke up and she needed to pretend. Her plan was simple - she needed to convince Jamie that she chose to be with Frank and hope that he would see the lie in it, maybe agree to the offer Frank made and then come back with help. 

 

Now Claire knew her mistake. As much as she wasn’t willing to live a life without Jamie, it was wrong sacrificing herself for the sake of his survival. He was too broken already,  _ Her _ lies became his downfall. 

 

_ She broke him. Broke his heart. _

 

What Claire got to witness after that was something she never will be able to forgive herself for. Watching them hit him and see Frank cut him, she felt nauseous and hated herself. But she was in shock and couldn’t move. Claire just stared back into Jamie’s eyes, watched the light slowly fade away as he believed everything she said.

 

After that everything happened so fast. They dragged him down on the ground and Claire understood that this was it - they are killing him. Panicking, she tried to pull Frank away from him but to no use, he only pushed her away. 

 

Claire turned away for a second, searching for something to use as weapon. When she looked back at Jamie, William stabbed him.

 

Jamie didn’t scream, didn’t say a word - he only took one last look at her then closed his eyes. 

 

Claire couldn’t believe it but she couldn’t let her horror overtake her. Jamie and her had to live. They weren’t done yet. 

 

Next to Jeremy’s dead body, she found a gun. Claire quickly hid it and as calmly she could, she managed to pull Frank away and get him to follow her. She had to be a little far away from William to give her enough chance to fight him once she’s done with Frank. There by the staircase with her back against Jamie, she looked at the man who had taken  _ everything _ away from her. 

 

“Katie? What are you doing?!” Frank said when he saw the gun pointing at him.

 

“My  _ name _ is Claire Fraser.” 

 

Then she fired. One shot, Two shots and then, Frank collapsed. 

 

-

 

**_5.02PM_ **

 

When they arrived at the hospital, Tina Knight was standing by the entrance, holding Ellen in her arms,  _ unharmed _ . Claire ran and somehow holding her daughter only increased the pain she felt and she cried, again, for the sake of Jamie but also for the safety of her daughter.

 

Claire wanted to see Jamie but Tina said that the doctors had rushed him into surgery. When he arrived at the hospital, he was already critical and that only made Claire more stressed. 

 

Thankfully, Tina offered a distraction and insisted they needed talk first.

 

They walked into a room where they could talk in private. It was a small room with a table and four chairs. With a heavy heart, Claire sat down in one of the chairs and Tina told Claire that she had been the one who got Ellen out from the house, escorted by two other officers, and they had arrested Geneva.

 

Tina continue in telling her about her “friend” and apparently, Geneva’s father was a man named William Dunsany, former prime minister of England. This was all new information and it was overwhelming. Claire had trouble processing and eventually, had no idea what Tina was saying after a time.

 

“Well, anyhow, I got caught when I looked into the Dunsany's and in less than 24 hours later, I had agents visiting my apartment, threatening me. I did what was necessary and disappeared...”

 

“So what did you find?” Claire asked, holding onto Ellen and she looked down on her hands that still had blood under her nails, Jamie’s blood. 

 

“James asked me to look into Geneva but I was preoccupied at time and the information that Geneva was a friend of yours - I missed it.” Tina answered. Claire could hear that Tina was blaming herself but she couldn’t care - she, too, was upset. “I later couldn’t get over how clean Geneva’s record was and that’s when I found this.” Tina handed her papers.

 

_ Restraining order against Geneva Dunsany.  _ Signed by herself.

 

_ Bank documents. Transferred money from William Dunsany to Claire Beauchamp account. _

 

_ Mary Hawkins’ death certificate. _

 

Claire read the papers. Tears fell down as she read, she didn’t understand any of it but when she read the name, Mary Hawkins - She didn’t know why but looking at Mary’s death certificate gave her some kind of peace. 

 

“Who is Mary Hawkins?” Claire asked low.

 

“I’m not sure.”

 

“So, Geneva is insane and I had a restraining order against her?” Claire felt angry when she thought of it all “And Frank knew all along and probably why.”

 

Tina nodded in agreement. “I would say Geneva is suffering from some sort of mental instability, yes. That would explain why she pretend to not know you and Frank probably didn’t want to blow his own cover when he was pretending he was your husband and you believed you were Katie.”

 

“I don’t understand, I can’t remember anything. What does this mean? What do I do now?”

 

“We don’t really know. Geneva refuses to talk and her father has diplomatic immunity.” 

 

“What the hell  _ do _ you know?”

 

“I have filed for a warrant to search Frank’s files and now he is dead, I don’t think there will be anything preventing it.” Tina said softly. She was kind but Claire was too upset. “

 

“And why did you think I was in danger?”

 

“I don’t know - the coverup, all the secrets. I tried to call Jamie but he didn’t answer and I just had to go see for myself.”

 

“How did you know where we were?” Claire asked, trying to focus on Jamie and less about her traitorous friend called Geneva.

 

“I tracked Jeremy and James’ phones and saw that they were in the house and immediately called for backup.” Tina sighed. “I just hope we got there just in time.” 

 

Tina had stayed at the hospital. She clearly was a friend of Jamie and she sat outside of his room the whole night, guarding. Claire had heard her cry last night and it was obvious that Tina was experiencing the same emotions as herself -  _ guilt, pain and loss -  _ not only for Jamie but for Jeremy as well. He clearly had been someone important for her. Claire saw it in her eyes when Officer Holm said that Jeremy Foster was dead.

 

It was a mirror of hers when she saw Jamie die and for a while, both found comfort in letting their emotions show without judgement from the other and they wept for their fallen friends and loved ones.

 

-

 

**_7 December._ **

_ Day One at the hospital. _

 

In the worst time of her life. Claire had remembered something yesterday - one small memory of the first time she meet Jamie. But if she was really honest with herself, that wasn’t enough. She wanted to remember it all.

 

**_“Don’t forget that I loved ye.”_ ** Jamie’s last words were going to haunt her for the rest of her life. She didn’t remember his love, only fractions - fleeting moments she couldn’t really place. 

 

Jamie had gone through multiple operations, blood transfusions, and including the time in the basement, he died  _ twice _ yesterday. 

 

Doctor Martin Fox, the man who operated - saved - Jamie (and at the same time saved her too) told her that Jamie’s heart had stopped during the operation but they managed to bring him back. 

 

Now, Jamie was lying in a coma, in a hospital bed with tubes down his throat, not able to breath by himself. Strings were connected to his heart, not able to beat on its own.

 

“Mrs. Fraser, Jamie was stabbed in the abdomen. When he came in, he had lost a lot of blood and had a ruptured spleen, we had to remove it. Jamie was lucky the knife missed any major vessels and we were able to repair the damage. He has four broken ribs...” Doctor Fox paused and looked sympathetic at her. “But... it’s like he wants to die, he keeps shutting down and I don’t know why he isn’t waking up.” 

 

“I know why.” Claire said low and she started crying when she thought back to yesterday, when Jamie said he wanted to die. 

 

**_“I don’t want to live in a world without you again.”_ **

 

Moments after Doctor Fox had left the room, Claire sat by Jamie side with Ellen in her arms and she felt detached from her own emotions. Everything felt surreal. Jamie, maybe, would never wake up again and it was her fault. 

 

_ Heartbroken.  _

 

Ellen was the only thing that kept Claire grounded, held her above the water, saved her from drowning in sorrow. 

 

But Ellen was screaming all the time. She was clearly affected from these last hours, the environment wasn’t what Ellen was used to and Claire was tired from her lack of sleep, only watching Jamie’s monitors, afraid his heart would stop. Claire had tried to breastfeed but the stress and her heartbreak seemed to have inflected her body and she wasn’t producing anymore milk. The only thing Claire could do now what to feed Ellen with formula in a bottle but Ellen refused to eat from it. It has all been a nightmare and she had no idea what to do. 

  
  
  


**7.56PM**

 

Claire was about to see Jamie’s sister, Jenny had called and said they were waiting for her by the hospital entrance. The hospital was kind enough to let Claire borrow a stroller to lay Ellen in. 

 

She felt anxious with every step she took further away from Jamie but she was grateful that Ellen was finally taking the bottle and was now sound asleep. 

 

Claire had been scared she wouldn’t know how Jenny Fraser looked like but she didn’t need her memories to see the instant resemblance to Jamie and Ellen when she saw the black haired woman.

 

“I can’t believe it.” Jenny gasped as Claire stopped in front of her and the man she believed was Jenny’s husband, Ian. Both of them looked like the were going to faint. “You are alive.” 

 

Jenny rushed forward and wrapped her arms around her. Claire tried to speak, tell her she didn’t remember them. But seeing Jenny, as it had been with Jamie, she felt love. Her body remembered. 

 

“How is Jamie?”Jenny didn’t let go and Claire didn’t want her to. 

 

“He is in a coma, the doctor doesn’t know if or when he will wake up.” Claire started crying and Jenny held on tighter.

 

Jenny took a deep breath and slowly let go of Claire. In all the shock, Jenny seemed to have missed the stroller and held her hand over her mouth when she looked down on the sleeping Ellen. 

 

“She’s Jamie’s.” Claire confirmed without Jenny even asking. “Her name is Ellen.”

 

“But Ian said ye have lost yer memory.” Jenny started crying. “How did ye...”

 

“I have.” Claire answered. “It appears that your mother's name was something that stayed. I don’t remember anything else.”

 

“So ye didna even ken who Jamie was?”

 

“No, well, it’s complicated. I only remember meeting him and some other things I can’t place.” Claire said in frustration. 

 

“Christ, here I am attacking ye and ye don’t even know who I am. I’m sorry Claire.”

 

“It’s alright, I could tell you were Jamie’s sister.” Claire smiled, for what felt for the first time in days.

 

“Ye couldn’t the first time we met.” Jenny smiled back then looked back at the sleeping baby in the stroller. “She looks like Jamie but I have seen pictures of ye when ye were a baby and the resemblance is uncanny.”

 

The man who had been standing a few meters away walked over to Claire and Jenny. Even he looked hesitant but looked at Claire with such warmth she knew she had been close with him too.

 

“Claire, it’s so nice to see ye. I ken ye don’t remember me but I am Ian Murray, Jenny’s husband.”

 

“It’s very nice to meet you too. I’m sorry, I can’t remember you.”

 

“What happened?” Ian asked the question they all had avoided.

 

Claire looked around and found an empty room. “Can we sit down somewhere else?” she asked and then led them away for some privacy.

 

**8.12PM**

 

Claire started telling Ian and Jenny everything. First, she told them that she woke up one day, not knowing who she was, and Frank tricked her into believing she was Katie Randall. And then how she a year later, ran into Jamie on the street, and how life turned upside down.

 

Ian stayed quite the whole time but Jenny interrupted more then once, especially when she heard about Geneva Dunsany. 

 

“THAT BITCH! Ye told me about Geneva - she was yer best friend and ye told me that she killed your friend, I can’t remember her name now. But Geneva’s father paid ye money to stay quiet.” 

 

_ Geneva killed someone? What?  _

 

“Mary Hawkins.” Claire said low, “I believe her name was Mary.”

 

“Aye, that’s the name.” Jenny confirmed, the name bringing back a recollection.

 

“Hold up, why haven't I heard about this before?” Ian interrupted Jenny and he was angry. “Why is this information brand new? Did Jamie know about this?”

 

Claire didn’t know the answer to that but she was almost sure Jamie didn’t know. This was all too much but she, now, had a living person who could, at least, prove that Geneva was dangerous.  _ A witness. _

 

“Claire asked me to keep her secret and I did.” Jenny answered her irritated husband. “I wish I had told ye but what the hell had that made a difference. Jamie didn’t even call us to tell that Claire was alive. Don’t ye dare point yer fingers at me.”

 

“Jenny, please continue.” Claire asked, bringing the focus back on more important matters.

 

“Ye said that ye were absolutely sure Geneva had killed Mary but ye didn’t have proof. However, the money they gave ye was the confirmation ye needed.”

 

“So I took the money. What kind of monster am I.”

 

“Claire, ye were 18, yer parents were dead and nobody believed ye. I said it back then and I’ll say it again - Mary’s death was not yer fault and ye are not the one to blame.”

 

Claire sighed in relief and comfort. Despite the circumstance, she felt a little bit more at ease now that Jenny and Ian are here. 

 

“So, I asked you to keep my secret?” Claire asked, wanting to rebuild the story in her head.

 

“Yes. I wish I could have convinced ye to tell Jamie but ye didn’t want him to know.”

 

_ Why couldn’t I tell him? We spent five years together. _

 

“So, ye lived with Frank Randall, a man who ye worked with back in Scotland, and he also was Geneva’s therapist.” Ian sounded confused and Claire felt just as confused herself. “How did Jamie end up here? What happened with Jamie?”

 

“Yes, it only gets worse.” Claire continued to tell the rest of the story. “Jamie was working on a case when I met him. Apparently, Frank wasn’t only Geneva’s therapist - his other patient William Buccleigh turned out the be the man Jamie was looking for, a serial killer that Frank was hiding.”

 

“So, Frank was harboring William?” Ian asked. “But what does that mean? 

 

“Ian, let her speak.” Jenny snapped back at Ian.

 

“I never knew that Jamie was at Frank's house. I only went there to talk to Frank - I don’t know, just to get it out of my system, to move on. But as soon as I stepped into the house, I saw blood.” Claire felt the tears burning but she needed to tell them and she needed to stay focused, so she forced the tears away. 

 

Claire nearly broke as she retold them the story what happened in Frank's house. She felt ashamed when she told them how she tricked Jamie into believing she wanted to be Katie. 

 

_ If he dies, it’s all my fault. _

 

Ian and Jenny didn’t utter a word when she was done. This was a lot to process - she would know, she had experience it.

 

“I am so sorry.” Claire whispered. 

 

“This isn’t your fault...” Ian said calmly. “I’m not surprised that Jamie did what he did. That he chose to die.”

 

“But if I hadn’t tricked him.”

 

“No, Claire, there is no point in blaming yerself. When ye died, when we believed ye died,” Ian corrected himself. “Jamie broke and I don’t think he ever healed.”

 

_ “ _ And I broke him all over again and now, he might never wake up.”

 

“Do you love him still? Even though ye don’t remember him?” Ian carefully asked and Claire was surprised, wasn’t it obvious.

 

“Yes, I love him.” Claire said, she did love Jamie more than she could ever describe. “And I wished I remembered more.”

 

Jenny, who clearly had been in shock before, woke up and turned over. Jenny took the bag she had had hanged on her chair and placed it on the table. Jenny took out five books, they were all in different colors, looked like notebooks and Claire felt confused.

 

“When Ian said ye lost yer memory I thought I bring these.”

 

“What are they?”

 

“Yer old journals, ye liked to write.”

 

Claire grabbed one of them, it was black and had a rose painted on it. A photo fell out and when she opened it, she gasped and a new wave of emotions came crashing down her. 

 

It was Claire smiling in a wedding dress, standing next to Jamie in a kilt. He was looking at her.

 

_ We looked so happy. _

 

Claire wanted to cry again. She had seen just one photo of her and Jamie before, but this confirmed it all. She turned the picture around and someone, probably her, had written on the back of it.

 

_ We are forever. _

 

“Ye look tired, Claire. Maybe we can talk more later. I can’t take anymore and I really want to see Jamie now.” Jenny said and Claire needed to force herself to stop looking at the picture. “And ye need to rest.”

 

“No, I’m fine.”

 

“It wasn’t a question.” Jenny said and Claire immediately wanted to obey. “And while ye get some sleep, I’ll take care of Ellen.”

 

“ _ We _ will take care of her.” Ian took Jenny’s hand in his, they shared a look, an understanding and Claire could see how much they loved each other. 

 

“You are not alone in this, Claire. We are here now.”

 


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY SUNDAY ❤️ @thebrochtuarachs has as always, done a beautifully job as beta and fixed my mess haha. We are almost at the end of this story and I really really hope you like this chapter. Xoxo

**_If you die, I will never forgive you._ **

 

**_Claire_ **

 

**_8 December_ **

_ Day two at the hospital. _

 

Jamie is still in a coma and there is no sign of him waking up soon. 

 

He was wasn’t breathing on his own. The doctor basically just said that Jamie had already given up. 

 

Tina Knight had talked to Jenny earlier this morning and she told her everything she knew about Geneva, William Dunsany, Mary and the money they had payed Claire to cover it up. 

 

She was the final evidence they needed - a witness. Tina promised Claire that Geneva was finally going to pay and Mary Hawkins was  _ finally _ getting justice. But somehow, Claire felt everything but relief as she still needed to testify against Geneva.

 

It was snowing again more than ever and the weather girl on the news warned that there was a storm coming. They called it “Storm Alexander” - it was moving fast and it was just a matter of time before it came to New York. 

 

Claire was alone, sitting next to Jamie, holding his hand. Jenny and Ian had once again offered to take Ellen so she could get some rest. 

 

There was nothing she could do except watch the monitor and listen to the sound of Jamie’s heartbeats. The only comfort she had.

 

“If you die...” Claire whispered to Jamie and she kissed his hand. “I remember you, I remember meeting you. But what’s the point in even remembering anything else if you die...”

 

_ Nothing _ . 

 

“I need you to wake up now. Jamie, please wake up.” 

 

_ If you die... How do I tell our daughter that I killed you. That I am the reason you died. I can’t. I can’t bare the thought of not having you. I just found you, please wake up.  _ Claire said the things she didn’t dare to say out loud, in her head.

 

“It only took you four days - four days to make me realize that I loved you all along.” Claire squeezed his hand, hoping he would squeeze back. 

 

_ Still nothing. _

“Don’t you dare die now.”

 

The white, sterile room gave Claire the chills. She should feel safe in a hospital environment - but she wasn’t a doctor anymore and now this place only haunted her. Claire couldn’t control her emotions. She was angry, heartbroken and afraid - so afraid. 

 

William Buccleigh had been arrested. She had seen the police drag him away but he had committed suicide during the night, slitting his own throat in his cell. Having both Frank and William dead, there was nobody left to blame - except for herself. 

 

_ If you die, I will never forgive you for this - for dying, for not believing in our love, for leaving our daughter, for leaving me. But worst of all, If you die, I will never forgive myself. _

 

“Excuse me, Claire?” Ian stood by the door and Claire tried to wipe away her tears. “I dinna mean to interrupted ye.”

 

“No you didn’t, please, come in.”

 

“I just came by to say that I overheard the doctors.” Ian said and sat down in a chair on the opposite side of Jamie’s bed. “They are talking about evacuation. The storm is approaching fast and they are preparing for when their generators are going to fail. They are talking about transferring all the patients to a different hospital.”

 

“They usually take the the children first, then they take the patients that are most likely to survive.” Claire said and surprised even herself.  _ Where did that come from? _

 

“Do ye think that means they will transfer Jamie last?” Ian asked cautiously, very aware of Claire’s reaction to what she just said.

 

“I don’t know. Coma patients probably won’t be prioritized.” she said defeatedly. 

 

“But he isn’t breathing on his own, that should be taken in consideration.” 

 

“I hope so.”

 

Ian nodded, then broke the silence again. “I was planning on taking Jenny to a hotel, she hasn’t slept since ye called yesterday.” he said and Claire thought he did looked tired.

 

“She hasn’t?” Claire said and felt ashamed. “Oh, I’m sorry, and here I am, having you take care of Ellen. Of course, you should go.”

 

Ian quickly and happily dismissed her. “No, no, she loves it. Ye don’t remember so ye wouldn’t know.”

 

“Know what?”

 

“Jenny can’t have children, we can’t have children.” Ian corrected himself. “We have tried for years.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t, we have come to terms with it. We have filled for adoption, we are just hoping to get accepted.”

 

“That’s wonderful. I’m sure you will have your own baby in no time.”

 

“So ye see, Jenny loves taking care of Ellen, don’t worry about it. I was thinking if, we should take her with us, just to let you rest and stay with Jamie.”

 

“You sure? I don’t want to burden you”

 

“You are alive, that’s more than we ever could have wished for. Ellen is a blessing to all of us as are you, Claire, just take care of James”

 

Claire nodded then briefly shook her head. “I wished I could have done more, I wish I could turn back time.”

 

“Don’t blame yourself, this is not yer fault. Either way, Jamie would have ended up here.”

 

“He wouldn’t have been if I only had….”

 

“Either way -” Ian interuppted her. “He would have gone to that house and if ye hadn’t shown up, he probably had been dead now.” 

 

“But I...”

 

“No, he was already strapped to that chair and if ye had been somewhere else, they would have killed him. End of discussion.“

 

Claire gave a short laugh. “You sound like Jenny.”

 

“The finest compliment I have ever gotten.”

 

Claire smiled. “Were we close?” she asked.

 

“You and Jenny?” Ian asked and Claire nodded. “Best friends. Jenny went through multiple IVF treatments and when they all failed, you held her hand and you promised her that life would bring her happiness in some way.”

 

”And then I died.”

 

“Aye.” Ian shook his head. ”Worst time in all of our lives.”

 

Claire looked at Jamie and then asked, “How did he cope with my passing? How did Jamie deal with it?”

 

-

 

**1 November - 2017**

 

Claire’s funeral. -  Ian 

 

Early November and fall had slowly turned green, beautiful Scotland into warmer colors. Coloring all the trees, the leafs and the ground was evidently in brown, red and yellow. 

 

“Jenny, where did Jamie go?” Ian asked his wife, Jenny was standing next to Claire’s tombstone, crying. The ceremony was long over but the three of them had stayed. 

 

_ Claire Elizabeth Fraser, Died 2017. Forever lost at sea. _

 

“I dinna ken, he was here.” Jenny, wiped her face yet again and looked around the cemetery but neither of them could see Jamie.

 

“I’ll go and look for him.” Ian said and kissed his wife. 

 

Claire funeral had been beautiful, painfully beautiful. Ian had been sitting in the frontrow with Jenny to the left and James on the right. Two of the most important persons in his life was hurting, beyond any pain he had ever experienced himself. Ian had been lucky to have never lost a loved one, until now - until Claire. Not only was she the wife of his best friend but also the best friend of his wife - and she was dead.

 

Walking away from Jenny, Ian had a hunch where he believed he would find Jamie and he was right. Standing a few meters away on top of a hill, Ian found Jamie standing in front of his parents grave. 

 

“How are ye?” Ian asked for the first time since Claire died. He had barely seen him since the news of Claire’s accident.

 

“I’m fine.” Jamie said cold, not even looking at him.

 

“I ken ye not fine.” 

 

“Why did ye ask then?” Jamie said and finally turned to looked at him. Ian had never seen this much pain in another person face before.

 

“Just tell me. I’m your friend, you need to speak of it.” Ian said calmly but his heart was breaking looking at Jamie.

 

“I dinna need to do anything.” Jamie turned his face away. “I can’t change what has happened.”

 

“Ye haven’t even said her name, Claire wouldn’t want ye…”

 

“ _ Claire _ is dead.” Jamie said furiously, interrupting Ian. But this was a step in the right direction, Jamie said her name out loud. “Ye don’t know what she would have wanted.”

 

“I ken she wouldn’t want ye to be like this, shut  _ everyone _ out.”

 

“Easy thing for ye to say, less easy thing for ye to understand.” Jamie looked at Ian, his eyes was dark and he looked exhausted, most probably from lack of sleep. “Everything I touch, everything I love, is taken away from me.”

 

“But it’s isn’t yer fault.” Ian said compassionately. “You are blaming yerself.”

 

“And  _ who _ should I blame if not myself?  _ God _ ? I already have.”

 

“We can’t blame anyone, this was a accident. Claire’s death was a tragic accident.”

 

“Ye keep saying that but what if she wouldn’t have been there? What if I could have prevented it?”

 

“There is no use in “what ifs, The outcome is written in that gravestone, Claire name is already there.”

 

“Is this yer way of a pep talk?” Jamie asked, irritated almost shouting. Ian was provoking feelings out of him on purpose, however, didn’t matter what Jamie felt, as long as he felt something.

 

“I wouldn’t have talked to Jenny like this, but with ye, it’s a different story. I know ye, James. Ye carry the world on yer shoulders and think that every bad thing that happens is on you.”

 

“My wife was my world, her death is on me because of that I blame myself. I can’t live without her. I don’t  _ want _ to live without her.”

 

”You need to find balance, Jamie. To find the strength to have her with ye, without destroying yerself.”

 

“I can’t have her with me - that’s what’s destroying me. I refuse to live in a world where she doesn’t exist.”

 

“But she  _ did _ exist, Claire was  _ here _ .”

 

“And now she’s  _ not _ . Dinna say how I should grief, Ian, until ye known loss.” Jamie stopped talking, took one more look at his mother’s grave and walked away.

 

-

 

**8.24AM**

 

_ “ _ Nobody heard a word from him in weeks after that.” Ian said, it was strange hearing about her own funeral and Claire felt the pain Ian talked about. “Jamie took the destructive path, he couldn’t live without ye...”

 

_ Would life be so cruel to have you go to my funeral and then me,having to attend yours. _ Claire thought and looked at Jamie, afraid that she was going to have to plan his funeral.

 

_ Four days. Is that all I got? Fours days? _

 

“He will wake up.” Ian said and sounding really convinced. 

 

“How can you be so sure?”

 

“Cause I don’t know what I would do if he doesn’t.” Ian said low, his voice cracking and Claire looked at him. Ian was holding onto Jamie’s other hand, tears slowly running down his cheeks. It was obvious Ian had tried to stay strong, that he had felt he needed to take care of everyone else but now, he couldn’t keep it in anymore. This was his friend.

 

They sat in silence, on each side of Jamie’s bed, holding his hands. Neither had the heart to continue their conversation, because the horrible truth was, there was nobody who knew  _ when _ and  _ if _ he would ever wake up.

 

**3.52PM**

 

It turned out that Ian had heard right, they were going to evacuate the hospital due to the storm as their powerhouse wasn’t cut out for this kind of weather. And as Claire had said, coma patients wasn’t the priority. 

 

The power had gone earlier, a  _ blackout _ out of nowhere and there was just seconds before the reserve generator kicked back on. But in those few seconds, Jamie hadn’t been breathing on his own as the machines stopped working. 

 

After that, Claire had screamed and argued with the nurses, demanded that Jamie should be one of the first to be transferred. They plainly said that she should complain to the management when it came to the poor fundings. 

 

Protocol was protocol: 

 

  1. Small children and babies.
  2. Patients who can move using a wheelchair or walker.
  3. Patients for whom a stretcher is required for transport.
  4. All patients in the intensive care unit
  5. Patients with the least probability of living.



 

Jamie was number five:  _ Patients with the least probability of living. _

 

Claire stood watching Jamie for a moment - he looked paler, almost gray and she felt powerless. She wanted to cry again but over these last couple of hours she had cried until there were no more tears to shed.

 

_ To obliviously continue living the rest of my life not knowing or be damned to remember you and you are gone. _

 

“Jamie, they are going to transfer you till another hospital, I need you to stay alive, okey?.” Claire said low and leaned down to kiss his forehead. “Do you hear me? You need to stay alive.”

 

In this chaotic mess, Claire had found herself reading the journals Jenny had brought.  At first, she had thought it was a diary she had kept but after reading the first few pages , she realized it was letters, hundreds of short letter she had written to her dead parents. Hoping Jamie was still in there and could hear her, she read the letters to out loud to him.

 

-

 

**_17 May 2014_ **

 

**_Today, I thought of something you used to say dad: The simplicity of love is happiness._ **

 

**_And I finally think I understand what you meant by that._ **

 

**_Yesterday, we celebrated one year of marriage. Jamie took me to a fancy and overpriced restaurant for dinner._ **

 

**_It was catastrophic at first - our dinner reservations had disappeared and there wasn’t any table available and we had to leave. We strolled down town and suddenly, it started pouring down rain and we ran into a coffee shop. It wasn’t the fancy dinner he had planned but it was so much better than I could have ever imagined._ **

 

**_With our busy schedules, days away from each other, we finally got the time to just sit down and talk. We sat there for hours until they closed. I don't want to think I've reached peak happiness because Jamie and I are just just getting started - but I can truly say that I am finally happy after all these years - know I have found happiness in Jamie._ **

 

**_Together, we are the simplicity of love, we don’t need anything more than each other. I know I’m not alone. I know I am safe._ **

 

**_I still bear you with me every day, but the thought of you and mom not here no longer pains me like it has before. The pain has transformed into gratitude. I am grateful you were my parents. I am grateful I got to have you at all._ **

 

**_I’m sorry I haven’t written in a while but I’m living the life you would have wanted me to live._ **

 

**_Wherever you are know I love you always._ **

 

**_Your Daughter, Claire._ **

 

**_-_ **

 

**5.21PM**

 

“Reading these...” Claire said as she closed the journal she had been reading to Jamie. “I had hoped I would remember something but I don’t. However, they tell me that I was happy. I was so damn happy with you, Jamie.”

 

After sitting in that damn chair next to Jamie for hours, Claire was starting to feel stiff. She got up and walked over to the window. 

 

From the seventh floor, she had a good view overlooking the streets - it was snowing pretty hard now, the evacuation had begun and there was at least a few hours left until they were going to move Jamie. 

 

Jenny had called from the hotel and asked if Claire wanted them to driver over and keep her company but she didn’t want to risk it. Ellen was safer at the hotel with them and honestly, Claire had a difficulty seeing her daughter at the moment - each time she looked at Ellen she felt like she had betrayed her too.

 

“Jamie” Claire said, staring at the blistering snow. “I want to go home. I want to go home to Scotland. If you survive this, we are taking the first flight. Can we do that?”

 

Claire asked him even though she knew he wouldn’t respond - it just felt better talking to him as he were awake.

 

“When I was Katie, I often thought of moving. I always felt I didn’t belong here, I definitely felt I didn’t belong with Frank.” Claire paused and looked over to Jamie. “I asked myself multiple times after you found me, how can I feel so safe around this stranger? How can this man make me feel like this? I know now, though - you are home.”

 

Claire closed her eyes.

 

“If you survive this...If you wake up, will you hate me then? For doing this? For tricking you into believing I wanted to be someone else? For saying that I don’t love you?”

 

Claire thought, a heart that's broken was a heart that has been loved - and her's was breaking.

 

She took a deep breath.

 

“Will you forgive me?” She whispered, “Or will the decision I made ruin us.”

 

Claire opened her eyes and continued to stare out the window. It was probably two-meter snow outside. 

 

“Will you just wake up just to see me, fight me and feel betrayed.” 

 

There were too many unanswered questions and Claire feared they never would be answered. Feeling more lonely than ever, Claire walked over to Jamie’s bed, stopping by the left side of his bed. 

 

One second of hesitation and then she crawled down next to him. She was careful not to accidentally pull out anything connected to the monitor.

 

It was even more surreal lying there. Jamie still felt like himself - warm and safe. Claire wrapped her arm around him and turned her head up, close to his ear.

 

“I love you.” She whispered. “I love you, James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser.”

 

Tired and spent, Claire closed her eyes and fell asleep.

 

-

 

**9.19PM**

 

”Mrs. Fraser.” A female voice woke Claire up. 

 

“Yes?” Claire answered feeling a little disoriented. She slowly rose from the bed and saw a nurse standing in front of the bed. 

 

_ Nurse Julia.  _ A tall woman, looked like she was in her late forties, had her blond long hair tied up in a ponytail. Brown eyes, almost the same shade as her own. Claire found it odd that her last name wasn’t on her name tag.

 

“I just wanted to say that the evacuation is taking longer then expected, the ambulances can’t drive, there’s too much snow and it’s too slippery because of the ice.”

 

“And how long do we have to wait until Jamie can be moved?”

 

“The Doctor said that James - I mean Mr. Fraser - is stable and therefore, he is not the first to go.”

 

“But he isn’t breathing on his own.” Claire said and pointed to the tube Jamie had down his throat. “What if there is another blackout? What if the machines stops working?”

 

“I’m sorry, Mrs. Fraser, there is a bigger risk in moving him. And if there were to be another blackout, we have equipment to do it manually. It’s on the crash cart next to the cabinet over there. He will be safer in here than out there. Trust me.”

 

“This is ridiculous, what kind of hospital is this!” Claire raised her voice in anger. “In the hospital where I worked we had at least two back up generators and once during a flood, we managed to keep all our patients dry and moved them accordingly in one hour. This is outrageous. It’s taking too long and Jamie needs to be moved.”

 

“Are you a doctor, Mrs. Fraser?” Nurse Julia asked surprisingly and Claire blinked, backtracking what she just said -  _ no, _ remembered.

 

“Uhm, yes but...” Claire answered dumbly.

 

“Well, if you are a doctor, your husband is in safe hands.” Nurse Julia smiled. But Claire didn’t smile back.

 

“I can’t save him if something were to happen. You see, I was in a accident and I’m suffering from amnesia. I’m useless.” Claire didn’t know why she’s suddenly confessing these things to the nurse but it just, somehow, naturally came out.

 

“Don’t say that. Have faith. Trust the lord.”

 

“If you knew my story, you wouldn’t believe in god either.” Claire sighed. “If he exist, he hasn’t done anything in my favor, I will, at least, say that.”

 

“You never know the miracles god can do.” Julia smiled and Claire knew there was something with her that felt familiar, strangely familiar. “Your husband is alive. You have miraculously survived your accident and I saw that beautiful daughter of yours. I would say that you are more blessed than most.”

 

“Blessed.” Claire said it like she never had heard the word before. 

 

“Claire - do you mind if I call you that?” Julia asked and Claire nodded in answer. “I can’t force you to believe in him but sometimes when life is hard, it helps to believe in  _ something _ . It doesn’t matter what it is, or who it is, just have hope and trust in something higher than yourself.”

 

“But how can I believe in someone who has only brought me pain? If he exists why did he let this happen?”

 

“I don’t know why terrible things happened but look what you have instead, turn the negativity into something positive.”

 

“How am I’m supposed to turn this.” Claire pointed to Jamie unconscious body. “How am I supposed turn this into something positive?”

 

Nurse Julia still smiled and walked over to the right side of Jamie’s bed, she stopped right next to the machine and pointed to the screen.

 

“This is your positive.” Julia pointed to Jamie’s heartbeat. “It’s beating.”

 

Still sitting on the edge of Jamie’s bed, she watched the steady and strong sound. And truth be told she felt  _ blessed _ watching it.

 

“So you see, have faith. This man hasn’t given up on us yet.”

 

-

 

**11.21PM**

 

After Nurse Julia left the room, Claire had laid beside Jamie in the bed again and continued to read to him.

 

The journals were filled with letters - some were long and but they were mostly short ones and Claire knew she probably had hundreds of these small books lying around somewhere. They all were marked with years and the five books she had was only from 2014. 

 

Claire had almost read them all. She wasn’t really a writer but she could feel everything she had written down in the past - it was her. 

 

Claire felt the  _ loss _ when she read about the bad days, the days she missed her parents the most.

 

Claire felt the  _ joy _ when she read about the fun things she and Jenny had done.

 

Claire felt  _ anger _ when she read the few parts there was about Geneva. 

 

But she felt the most when she read the  _ love _ when she wrote about Jamie. 

 

Her favorite, though, was a letter to her mother - it was short but it made her laugh.

 

-

 

**_18 August 2014_ **

 

**_Mom._ **

 

**_How do I get Jamie to pick his socks up? He has this strange thing were he sometimes goes to bed wearing them, says he is cold but I have never seen the man freeze in his life - lazy bastard. He, then, takes them off in his sleep and kicks them down on the floor._ **

 

**_And when he wakes up, he just walks past them??_ **

 

**_The man have never - not once - picked them up._ **

 

**_Are men incapable of seeing things like this? Do they think there are invisible fairies running around, picking them up and throwing them into the laundry bin??_ **

 

  1. **_I’m going to throw his socks away now._**



 

**_Love,_ **

 

**_The invisible fairy._ **

 

-

 

**9 December**

_ Day three at the hospital. _

 

**_01.02AM_ **

 

The hospital was almost complete empty, most of the staff and the patients had been transferred. Claire missed Ellen something terrible but now, there wasn’t a chance in hell she would let Jenny take her outside. However, she found comfort in knowing Ellen. Jenny had texted earlier and said that everything was fine.

 

When Claire believed hours earlier that Storm Alexander was just beginning, she was right. The wind outside was howling compared to the puffs that dropped late in the evening. She couldn't even see anything anymore when she looked out the window

 

When Claire had left Jamie’s room to look for some food, she overheard two nurses talking, saying that two of the elevators had gotten stuck before still wasn’t working after the first blackout. 

 

_ Cheap bloody hospital. _ They were on the seventh floor and she wondered how the heck were they going to move him in time. This nightmare had only felt even worse - like the universe was yet again conspiring against her. 

 

Sitting on the chair next to Jamie, Claire felt restless. She had been in that bloody room for three days now and she was tired of waiting.  _ Why isn’t anyone getting us? _

 

“Jamie, I’ll be right back.” Claire said and walked out the room. She wanted to find someone, ask if they were going to leave soon.

 

Once again Claire felt uncomfortable in walking down the corridor, mostly because she was walking further away from Jamie. But this time it almost felt like she was in a horror movie walking down the empty corridors, peeking into the empty room after empty room. 

 

It felt like forever until Claire finally found a doctor.

 

“Hi.” Claire said to the doctor, she had never seen the woman before - Dr. Johanna Hansen, her name tag said. “I’m Claire, Jamie Fraser ‘s wife from room 201. When is it his turn to be transferred?”

 

“Wait, what? Are there still patients here?” Dr. Hansen said surprised.

 

“Yes, my husband is  _ still _ waiting. Nurse Julia said that it was his turn soon but it has been hours.”

 

“I’m the resident on this floor, we don’t have anyone called Julia.” Dr Hansen said and Claire felt confused. “I didn’t know there was anyone left here. I do apologize, Mrs. Fraser. Just go and wait in your husband’s room and I’ll see that he gets transferred right away.”

 

“But who was in my room?” 

 

“I don’t know but I know all the nurses here, we don’t have anyone by that name. Please wait and I’ll see that we get him out of here. We have had troubles with the ambulances - at least three has been in a accident, crashed into walls and other cars. Be grateful your husband wasn’t in them.” Dr. Hansen, then,  left Claire more confused and more angry than before.

 

_ How the hell could they have missed them? What if I hadn’t gone out to look for anyone? _

 

Claire slowly walked down the hall back to Jamie’s room. His room was in the far end of the corridor - maybe that’s why they missed him?  _ Preoccupied and sloppy. _

 

Suddenly it all went black. 

 

_ Blackout.  _

 

_ No.  _

 

_ Jamie. _

 

Claire started running as fast as she could. In the dark, she had a hard time seeing were she was running but she somehow managed to take out her phone safely from her pocket and turned on the flashlight.

 

Just like the corridor, Jamie’s room was pitch black. Everything was off - including his monitors.

 

Claire rushed over to Jamie’s bed and placed two fingers against his neck. 

 

_ Pulse.  _ But it was weak. 

 

“Jamie, I need you to wake up now.” Claire began to panic. She placed her phone on the little table next to his bed, screen down and the flashlight up, making the room shine a little brighter but not enough for her to see properly.

 

Remembering what Nurse Julia had said, Claire ran over to the cabinet standing on the other side of the room looking for the manual resuscitator - a bag valve mask on the crash cart, bringing it with her as she ran back to Jamie. 

 

Claire carefully unhooked to tube from his mouth and placed the mask over his mouth and nose. This situation couldn’t possibly get any worse. She slowly, but steady started pressing the pump. 

 

_ One, two, three. _

 

Watching Jamie’s chest rise and fall, Claire continued. 

 

She had no idea what she was doing, or maybe she did. 

 

_ I am Doctor Claire Fraser.  _ She repeated in her head, willing it to be true. 

 

_ “ _ I got you, baby.” Claire said. “Stay with me.”

 

_ One, Two, three. _

 

With her left hand pumping, Claire took her right hand and placed two fingers against his throat again. 

 

She couldn’t find his pulse anymore.

 

_ No. No. No. _

 

Claire turned her head over towards the door, she was alone.  _ What should I do? Shit. _

 

Nothing left to lose, Claire stopped pumping, there was no use in continuing if his heart wasn’t beating. She ran over to the crash cart and actually sent a prayer of thanks to god when she found the automated external defibrillator. 

 

Quickly, she placed the pads over his body and prayed once more that she did the right thing.

 

“Charging to 360” Claire announced out loud - to whom she didn’t know, out of habit maybe. The dial on the manual defibrillator did the same.

 

“Clear” Claire held her breath as Jamie’s body tensed under the pads.

 

_ Nothing. _

 

“If you die, I will  _ never _ forgive you.” 

 

_ 400 _ .

 

“ _ Clear _ .” 

 

Jamie's eyes flew open, gasping for air. 

  
  



	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been a journey like no other, not just have I written my longest fic but the most emotional. You may not know this but Jamie’s feelings has been reflected on my own, that’s why this story also have been my favorite and so close to my heart. This is the last chapter. Finally.
> 
> I want to thank every single of one of you who have read this, I am overwhelmed with the support, encouragement and love I have received, Thank you. Thank you! Thank you!
> 
> Last but not least I want to give a special thank you to the people behind the scenes; @MClairefras & @whiskynottea for helping me in the beginning, you are incredible. @heyimcarool thank you for always listening and for letting me ramble my ideas.❤️ @minstreltroubadour & @wunderlichkind thank you for all the time and hard work you have put in. I can’t even count in my head how many hours you have spent with beta and co-writing my chapters and I’m so grateful for your beautiful brains and your friendships. thank you for the endless of support, I’m blessed! I love you all.

**_The Rose Garden._ **

  


**Jamie**

 

I don’t know where I am but I’m sure this is the most peaceful place I had ever been. The last thing I remember was Claire’s voice saying she loved me before I woke up here.

 

I felt no pain, no anger, just peacefulness.

 

A beautiful garden filled with white rose bushes - miles of hundreds of white roses scattered all over the place. There were wooden benches placed with a far distance to one another and I walked past by one by one, not sure where I was going. Not one animal in sight, not even a bird chirping, but I continued to move forward.

 

In the endless field of rose bushes, I found a woman wearing a red dress sitting on one of the benches. The woman had long blond hair and she looked angelic. She was the first person I encountered with wherever or whatever this place is.

 

“Excuse me” I said and the woman looked up from the bench. “Where am I?”

 

“We don’t really have a name for it but I simply call it _Claire’s rose garden_ .” The woman laughed and I looked at her, my mouth wide open in shock and probably horror. Her eyes was brown but not really, it was the same colors as Claire’s, and I knew exactly who she was. _Julia._ Claire’s mother.

 

“Are ye?” I said stammering. “Are ye Julia Beauchamp?”

 

“I am.” Julia answered proudly and patted on the seat next to her on the bench and I sat down.

 

“Am I dead?” I asked next. It was strange - I wasn’t cold but neither warm. I would have thought I would feel something but how would I know how it felt to be dead.

 

“Yes, no, maybe.” Julia answered softly and I felt more confused than before.

 

I looked around Claire’s Garden once more, searching for anything else but there was none. “But why are you the only one here?”

 

“I’m the gardner. My place is here and make sure the roses stay alive.”

 

“But that’s seems like an impossible job and very lonely.” I said and wondered how she maintained this place.

 

“It isn’t.” Julia smiled. “Each and every rose petal is one of my daughter’s laugher. I’m never lonely here.”

 

I stayed silent and I looked at Julia, then at the roses.

 

_This is her happiness? Claire’s rose garden._

 

“But why are you here?” I really did have a million questions and can’t seem to stop asking them.

 

“This is _my_ heaven.”

 

“Why am I in yours?” another question.

 

“We all have one. Your mother has one, too.” Julia said, ignoring my question.

 

“My mother?” I asked and wondered I would get to see her soon. I looked out over the field of roses. _Claire’s rose garden._ I repeated it in my head again.

 

“Yes, it’s quite complicated here in the after world. I can’t see what’s going on below but I watch the roses, how they multiple and extend. Each new petal is a blessing - a reassurance - that she is _happy_.”

 

I am inside Claire’s happiness and this place is all I wanted for her, however...

 

“But I still don’t get why I am here and where is her father?”

 

“He is here somewhere. His task is different.” Julia sounded distant, maybe even sad.

 

“What task? Why am I here?” I was starting to feel frustrated with these unanswered questions.

 

“Relax, James. I will show you.”

 

Julia rose from the beach and I cautiously followed her. This afterlife was strange - not that I had pictured it at all - but I never thought it will be like this. Moreover, I couldn’t understand was why I was with Claire’s parents and not my own.

 

The white roses around me was shining bright but there was no sun, no clouds - just a clear blue sky. As Julia walked in front of me, I observed how she flowed in her red, long dress. I couldn't see her feet or if she wore shoes but I could swear she was floating forward. _Christ_.

 

Julia turned left and led me further away from the rose garden and into a darker place. There wasn’t any white roses here - only whistled flowers, grey-looking, sad things.

 

“What is this?” I asked and felt cold all of a sudden. The beautiful, white rose garden where we just had been was gone - vanished. How? I didn’t know.

 

“This is _Katie’s_ garden.”Julia said sorrowfully as she showed me the place with her hands. “This is where her father is. We needed to separate. After her accident, _this place_ was created.”

 

“But why does he need to be here?” I asked confused.

 

“Because he needed to protect the life that grew here.” Julia said and motioned for me to follow her again. “Come, I’ll show you.”

 

We continued to walk through “ _Katie’s garden_.” I have to admit, It was a cold and terrifying place but Julia didn’t seem to be scared.  After walking for awhile in the dark, I saw something moving. A few meters forward, I saw a man standing with his back against us and there was weak light shining around him.

 

Nobody said a word and there wasn’t even any sound as I walked on the ground. But the man seemed to hear us and turned around. _Claire’s father._

 

_What the hell is this place?_

 

Henry Beauchamp gave me a sad but a kind smile and silently moved away from where he had been standing. The light I had seen was in fact a rose, a single white rose.

 

“This is why he is here.” Julia said. “Claire was Katie when she gave birth to Ellen - this was her happiness.”

 

“Is that rose, Ellen?” I asked and felt tears burning.

 

“Yes, you could say that. It represents Ellen,” Henry said. “I couldn’t let this one be alone in the dark.”

 

I stared at the light the rose emitted and let some tears out. Ellen. Claire’s only happiness as Katie. A single ray of hope she had in her _other_ life. I had only known about my daughter the last four days and haven’t even had the chance to properly look and hold her. Have I missed my chance? Or a glimpse was all I ever get?

 

“I still don’t understand why I’m here?” I was now asking two people and hopefully, I get an answer.

 

“You love our daughter.” Henry said casually as he wrapped an arm around Julia. And then I realized that this was the first time I am _meeting and talking_ with my _in-laws_.

 

“Aye, I do.” I said feeling even more confused. “But am I going to stay here?”

 

“Depends on you.” Julia said softly.

 

“How?”

 

“Do you want this garden to stay grey and dull?”

 

“Of course not! If this is Claire’s, I dinna want it to be this cold.”

 

“Then go back.” Julia said as she crossed her arms. For a while there, she looked like Claire.

 

“How?”

 

“If I knew that, I wouldn’t be here.” Julia winked at me, laughing, and I needed to pinch myself. It hurt, I was clearly not dreaming this.

 

“We will let you think for a moment.” Julia said and turned to her husband. They looked lovingly at each other. “Let’s go, Henry.”

 

Sitting alone by the rose on the ground, I counted every each rose pedals - **_twenty two._ **

 

In one year, Claire/Katie only laughed _twenty two_ times. That is nothing. Nothing compared to the amount of roses that was in the other garden.

 

I wanted to touch them but I was afraid to break it. This dark and cold place somehow felt fitting for me and I continued to stare at the rose.

 

Suddenly one of the petals fell off, slowly, so very slowly until it landed on the ground. _“If you die I will never forgive you.”_ I heard Claire’s voice and I quickly leaned forward and picked it up.

 

“She is grieving, son.” Henry said behind me and I almost dropped the pedal. _Where did he come from?_

 

“It’s my fault.” I said and watched the petal as it slowly turned from white into grey and I panicked.

 

“Life is filled with happiness. We find it in the simplest things. But we can’t escape the sorrow, it’s nobody’s fault.”

 

“So I’m just to sit here and watch.”

 

“No, this is not your garden. This is _mine_.”

 

“So where am I going?” More questions than answers and I was starting to feel a little bit more helpless in my current situation.

 

“That’s your decision. My place is here - with my daughter.”

 

There it was. This was the point where I have to make my choice. Did I want to stay here and find my place or go back and figure out the uncertain life I had ahead of me?

 

“I don’t want to have a garden.” I said firmly.

 

“That’s not debatable. We all get one in the end.” Henry said. “If you decide to die, you will have one and that will be Ellen’s garden - you will sit and watch the roses grow and know she is happy.”

 

“I don’t… it’s not enough.” I cried out. _The time I had with Claire, and now, Ellen, will never enough._

 

“I know.”

 

I rose from the ground and looked around. I wanted to find an exit, stupid but I still searched for one even though there was no door anywhere. I didn’t want to stay in this cold and dark place. I wanted my family.

 

I didn’t know how long I had been roaming around but when it proved to be futile, I sat back down again in one of the benches.

 

“Will Claire come to my garden when she…” I paused. “When it’s her time to go?”

 

“Yes.” Henry smiled, the same kind, sad smile both he and Julia had been giving me since I met them. “My brother, Lambert, he never had children but he has a garden, nevertheless We all love someone, we all get a garden in the end. When it's time for my daughter, she will find you..”

 

I stood up, stomping my feet in frustration as if that will open the ground and take me back to earth.

 

“That’s not enough. I have missed too much already.”

 

“Good.”

 

_A loud bang. A Bright light. The sounds of wings. And, then, I was thrown into darkness._

  


-

 

I opened my eyes and all I saw was darkness. My body was hurting but the pain had to be the evidence that I was _alive_. Someone touched my face and I needed to concentrate to see.

 

 _Claire_.

 

“Do you hear me?” I heard her ask and I felt nauseous. _What happened?_

 

“Jamie?” She asked again, her voice ringing in my head.

 

“Aye.” My voice sounded strange. “I hear ye.”

 

“Don’t you dare die on me again.” Claire’s face came closer to mine and she took my hand in hers.

 

“Where are we?” I asked, feeling disoriented and scared that we still were in the basement.

 

“We are at the hospital, you are safe.”

 

 _Safe?_ I couldn’t process what she was saying and then it all hit me all over again. _Katie - Frank - William_

 

**_I don’t love you but that doesn’t mean I want you to die because I don’t. Please, take Frank’s offer. Be safe and just leave us alone._ **

 

“What are ye doing here?” I asked. My voice sounded cold, not like my own, but I remembered what happened in the basement.

 

“I’m here for you.” She sounded miserable. But why? Why is she here for me?

 

“Maybe ye should go.” I said and tried to let go of her hand. I closed my eyes and wanted to disappear into where I was before. This clearly wasn’t heaven. She wants to be with Frank.

 

“ _No!_ Jamie, I’m never leaving you again.”

 

“I dinna understand. Ye said…”

 

“I lied!” She cried out, interrupting me. “I lied and you believed me so easily.”

 

“Lied? Ye didn’t lie. Ye are lying now” I said as loud as I could but it came out low anyhow. I opened my eyes and stared at Claire, a strange lightning only showing her face. The more conscious I became, the more I remembered.

 

_Betrayed._

 

“No! Please forgive me. I didn’t know you would...I thought I...” Claire tried to explain but it all came out incoherent. “I...not one word was true, you have to believe me!”

 

“Why did ye lie?” I asked. “Ye had yer chance when they left us alone. Why didn't ye say it then?” It hurt to speak, but nevertheless, my heart was hurting anyway.

 

_Heartbroken._

 

“I’m so sorry. I was afraid that you would get reckless and I don’t know...” Claire paused and took a deep breath. “At that moment, I only acted as I thought was the best thing to do.”

 

Another silence ensued between us as I let her reason sink in. I knew she was waiting for me to speak and react to what she just revealed. I looked at her face and saw the pain and tiredness that rested beneath her eyes.

 

“Ye broke me.” I whispered. In the darkness, unseen tears fell down my face and I wanted to disappear again. Somehow her words didn’t sound truthful and I was scared I was imagining it.

 

“I will never forgive myself for it, Jamie. I beg you to forgive me, please forgive me.” Claire cried harder. “I love you.”

 

My mind was clearly playing tricks. _Am I still in the basement?_ I thought, questioning my sanity.

 

“What’s yer name?”

 

“Claire Fraser.” She said sobbing. “I don’t want to be anyone else than Claire Fraser.”

 

“Ye still dinna know who I am, how can ye say ye want to be with me...”

 

“I know who you are.” Claire leaned closer, looking hopeful, inches away from my face.“You are James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser, my husband.”

 

_Pain._

 

“Not anymore.” I couldn’t feel any joy in what she was saying and frankly, I didn’t know if I was dreaming or not. Claire had amnesia, she didn’t remember me and the pain I felt no longer seemed to be the evidence of me being alive, but rather like a purgatory - my punishment.

 

“What can I do?” Claire said as she pulled away a bit. “Please Jamie, what can I say to make you believe me?”

 

“Let me go.” I said softly. “Just let me go.” I don’t know who I said it to, it all felt so surreal.

 

“Never.” Claire said almost shouting and suddenly her face shone even brighter and I needed to squeeze my eyes shut.

 

Claire was holding her phone, facing the flashlight at her face. “You listen to me, James Fraser, you don’t get to die! I am never, ever letting you go, you stubborn man. How the hell am I supposed to live without you?”

 

“Ye seemed to manage to that perfectly fine with Frank.” I snapped back at her and my rib started aching, making me flinch and I needed to catch my breath.

 

“Fine?!” Claire shouted back. “I was never fine! You know that!”

 

“I dinna ken what’s real or not. Ye let me believe ye wanted to be with him. I don’t know if yer lying now or not. I don’t know anything.” I said my truth.

 

“This.” Claire took my hand and placed it over my heart. I couldn’t understand what she was doing but the movement hurt. Her other hand still holding the phone to shine on herself, forced me to look at her. “This is real. You are alive and I am _here_.”

 

I looked at her for what felt for the first time since I woke up in this strange black room. Somehow, the anger slowly reduced but the aggravation - the hurt - was still there.

 

“Do you love me Jamie?”

 

 _Is she really asking me this. I died for the sake of it._ I thought. The longer it took for me not to answer, the paler she looked.

 

“Aye. I love ye.”

 

“Then trust my words.” Claire moved my hand from my heart and she brushed her fingers over the scar on my wrist. “ _We are forever._ ”

 

I gasped after hearing the words she said. I hadn’t said it to her - _or had I?_ Have she remembered it?

 

“You promised me forever. Don’t you break that promise now.” Claire said and I broke completely. It was almost painful to cry but I was wide awake now and I heard her loud and clear.

 

_Alive._

 

“We are even now. I died once - but you have died three times. You don’t get to sacrifice yourself for our love, you don’t get the easy way out.”

 

“How is dying the easy way out?” I whispered.

 

“You would know.” Claire answered and I did know. Living without her was the hardest thing I had ever done.

 

“Aye.”

 

“Now, I ask you again.” Claire's hand was shaking in mine and for the first time since our conversation began, I squeezed her hand in response. “Can you hear the truth in what I am saying? I did what I thought would save you. I was sacrificing myself for you and I realize now that that was the biggest mistake I could ever do - ever done. Can you forgive me for it?”

 

“Aye.” I said and I meant it. “It was a stupid decision, Claire, the absolute worst - but I forgive ye.”

 

“You do?” Claire said, a hint of happiness and disbelief in her voice.

 

“Aye, what’s the point in living if I can’t be with you? I survived didn’t I.”

 

“You did, you definitely did.” Claire smiled but suddenly stopped. “Jamie? Will you have me for who I am now, knowing I love you but that I maybe will not remember our previous life together? Will you still promise me the same thing you did when we first got wed?”

 

“We are forever.” I whispered. “I will have ye, Claire, anyway I can.”

 

**_9 December_ **

_Day three at the hospital._

 

After I promised Claire that I did, in fact, forgive her, it took approximately thirty minutes before a doctor found me and Claire in that room last night. I had no idea what the doctor was saying but she apologized for taking so long and Claire scolded her. She screamed and said that I died, that my heart had stopped again and that it was under all criticism that they had left us alone, and uncared for in her rage, Claire actually said she was going to sue Dr. Johanna Hansen and the hospital.

 

They transferred me to another hospital in an ambulance and I saw how scared Claire was, clutching my hand the entire ride, but we arrived safely. After spending multiple hours with different kinds of doctors, they all called it a miracle - I am alive.

 

**8.29AM**

 

“Wait, did Geneva and Frank work together?” I asked confused but most of all angry. Claire was trying to tell me everything I had missed when I was in a coma as she sat in one of chairs next to my bed.

 

“No. Apparently, they only, silently, agreed to stay quiet. They both wanted me for different reasons.”

 

“I wish you would have told me about Geneva.” I said. “I mean before.”

 

“Me too, I wish that too.” Claire gave me a resigned smile that I mirrored back.

 

“But I wish even more, now, that I would have called Jenny. If I only had told her that ye were alive, maybe she would have asked were you were staying and I could have told her that ye lived with Geneva... maybe we wouldn’t have been in this mess.”

 

“Don’t you dare blame yourself, Jamie. The only people who are responsible for this are Frank and Geneva. Frank paid it with his life and soon, _she_ will pay too.”

 

I just looked at Claire’s determined and focused face and just fell a little bit more in love again. To fight for justice not just for me and our future but for Mary too - there are just no words. I heard her huff in the silence and knew she was trying to calm herself down from the rage she was feeling.

 

“Can I just say again how brave I think ye were? Shooting someone isn’t easy.” I said. Even though I wished I was the one who had done it, it didn’t matter anymore - Frank was dead. Two out of three cases that had been strangely connected with each other was now closed. Lisa, Stefan and Deseree had gotten justice, their killer had finally got what he deserved - to die alone in a cold cell.

 

“It was easy. He hurt you.” Claire became silent and looked out of the window. Storm Alexander had passed but it was still snowing outside.

 

“It’s okay now. We are safe.” I said but Claire still didn’t look at me.

 

“I can’t let it go. I just stood there, watched them kill you. How could I do that?” Her voice was choked, broken.

 

“There’s no point in delving in the past. What’s done is done.” I don’t know if I was trying to convince her or myself. The scars were still raw, the images of her standing there was still hurt, but, as she said, her intentions were pure. She did was she thought was best and we can’t change that.

 

“You said you forgave me but it’s okay to still be upset about it.”

 

“I haven’t said I’m okay cause I’m not. But having you here, it’s easier. I will get past this.” I said, intending to put this all behind us.

 

“ _We_ will get past this. _Together_.”

 

“Aye! But this time Claire.” I said, my voice serious and she finally looked at me. “This time we are doing this right. You are going to examine that head of yours and see a therapist. I know it’s hard having to trust someone after what Frank did, but you need to. I did this all wrong before - I tried to help you by myself but that wasn’t right - and if you hadn’t lost yet memory, the doctor version of you would agree.”

 

“Okay.” She said low, she didn’t argue for once.

 

“Do it for yourself. You need to take back your life.”

 

“Last night,” Claire paused and looked down on her hands. “I went through the most traumatic thing yet. You may think that this past year was hard but compared to watching you die... It was the worst. I hated that I couldn’t remember but somehow my subconscious did. Thanks to a mysterious nurse, I brought you back myself.” she said a little bit more proudly. “I’m more than willing to take any help I can get. _Maybe_ with therapy, I will remember.”

 

“What mysterious nurse?” I asked, hadn’t heard about this before. But I was relieved that she was agreeing to consulting.

 

“I was sleeping next to you and a nurse came in and she woke me up. I don’t know her last name but her name tag said _Julia_. It was strange - she talked about God, miracles and I irritatedly dismissed it all. She said that I should be grateful that you hadn’t been transferred.”

 

“That doesn’t sound so mysterious?”

 

“Julia - she told me where the crash cart was, in case it was needed.”

 

“I still don’t understand.”

 

“If she hadn’t told me, you would be dead right now.” Claire was tearing up and her voice was hoarse. “I talked to Dr. Hansen right before the blackout and she told me that there wasn’t any nurse there with that name. Nobody knows who Julia is.”

 

“What did she look like?” I asked, curious.

 

“She had blond hair up in a ponytail. Ehm, oh right, she had brown eyes,, almost like mine and she was tall, very tall.”

 

“Well, it sounds a little mysterious, I agree, but the doctor has to be mistaken. If ye said that this nurse was there, then she probably did work there.”

 

“Yeah, you’re probably right. But I can’t shake the feeling about how familiar she was. It was as if I know her.”

 

 _Could it be?_ I wondered.

 

“Your mother’s name was Julia, isn’t it?” I finally said and Claire looked at me strangely. “What? You said you were sleeping, what if ye were dreaming. I don’t believe in ghosts but...”

 

“But what?”

 

“The woman ye describe sounds awful a lot like yer mom. The name, the color of her hair and her eyes - even her height. I’ve _seen_ her, she was tall.”

 

 _Have I seen her??_ I reacted to what I just said and looked at Claire.

 

“But that’s impossible…” I saw an immediate shift in her face as realization dawned upon her.

 

“It is. But if not, she helped ye.”

 

“I’m a little scared now.”

 

“Why?” I asked. I hoped that this information will bring her comfort but maybe not.

 

“Because _if_ that woman was my mom. I wish I would have l known, and maybe...” Claire stopped talking and started crying. Claire’s glass face couldn’t hide away from me. I knew what was hurting her most is that deep down, at that moment, I could see that she’d already suspected something but, maybe with all the stress with my injury, she really couldn’t think clearly. “Oh my god, It was _her_ , Jamie, I remember my mom, she was here. I don’t know if I dreamt it all but, she was _here_.”

 

“Oh Claire, come here. I believe ye.” I said and Claire climbed into the bed next to me. The bed was small but we laid tight next to each other. Even if she had dreamt it or not, Claire remembered her mother. “What would you have wanted to say to her? To your mom?” I asked.

 

“I would have wanted to say goodbye. I never got to say goodbye.” Claire said low, sniffing and I wondered briefly how she knew that. But I continued listening as I stroked her hair. “The last thing I said to her was that I hated her. I want to say I take it back - I take it all back, Jamie.”

 

“I know, and she knows that ye didn’t mean it.”

 

“She comforted me, made sure everything was going to be alright.” she continued.

 

“And it is.” I answered. “What else would ye say?”

 

“I would have wanted to say thank you.”

 

“Do it now, Claire. Ye can still say it.” I urged her on, encouraging her to reveal what’s in her heart.

 

Claire closed her eyes. “Thank you mom. I love you.” she simply said out in the universe.

 

After a few beats, everything settled once again in my dark hospital room. I can feel Claire slowly surrendering to sleep but I wanted to ask her how she knew before sleep took over her.

 

“Claire?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Did ye read about not saying goodbye to yer mom? In yer journal? I mean, how do ye know what yer last word was?”

 

 _Silence_.

 

“No, haven’t. I guess I remembered that too.” she said with a huff.

 

 _Thank you, Julia._ I silently thanked Claire’s mother myself and suddenly, I remembered the rose garden.

 

 _“_ Claire _,_ this will sound crazy but...” I said, one second of hesitation if I should say anything at all.

 

“What will?” Claire said and I turned my head, facing her.

 

“I think I saw yer mother when I died.” I said and Claire raised her eyebrows in question, not understanding me.

 

“You did?” She was slowly coming out of her sleep, interested in my story instead.

 

“Aye, I just remembered it now. Yer father was there as well. It was the strangest thing and I’m sure I was probably imagining it - my subconscious playing tricks, but I saw them. I was walking in a strange garden...”

 

“ _James’s Garden_ .” Claire interrupted me, her eyes looking past mine into nothing and I waited for her to speak again. _My Garden?_ I had so many questions to ask her but I couldn’t speak.

 

_Silence._

 

I was rendered speechless by this revelation but Claire continued telling her newfound memory, “I remember I saw a red headed woman on a bench. She was looking at these flowers…”

 

“White roses?” I asked.

 

“No, I think they were red. But it was a rose garden, yes. And the woman introduced herself as _Ellen_.” Claire stopped talking, looking as skeptical as myself. Both us clearly have had a near death experience and both had seen each other’s gardens. “Oh my god, I remember! I met your mother!”

 

“This is…” I still couldn’t speak and I started crying, happy that she had met my mother but also for my mother to have met Claire. There was no doubt that she had experienced the same thing as me.

 

“I remember” Claire, now, cried too. “I was given a choice - to wait in our own garden for you or go back.”

 

“Me too.”

 

“Thank you for coming back.” She cried harder and moved closer. I couldn’t move because of my injury but I leaned my head against hers.

 

“Thank you for loving me.” I answered and Claire started laughing.

 

**_Twenty three._ **

  


**10:20AM**

 

Despite the doctors warnings, Claire was sleeping next to be in the bed. They almost ordered her her own bed to stay in but I refused - I wanted her close

 

I looked at her and almost thought I was imagining it again. Six days had gone by since I first saw her outside of the restaurant. Two days since I was beaten up, bruised and the scarred from where William stabbed me, leaving me with scars that was going to stay with me and remind me of this tragic time for the rest of my life, but I had her again - _Claire_ , my wife.

 

Being alone with my thoughts for the first time since I woke up from my coma, I tried to process it all.

 

Frank - there wasn’t anything more to say about that bastard. His death was the only thing worth celebrating when I thought back to nightmare in the basement. Not did he just try to ruin my life by taking my wife, Jeremy was dead because of him. He sacrificed himself for me and I’m going to make sure his sacrifice wasn’t in vain. It pained me that he was gone, he was too young to die but thanks to him, _God bless his soul_ , I was going to see my daughter grow up. I will never forget him, never. And I will make sure that justice will be served for his bravery.

  


Three funerals but I was only going to attend to one. Jeremy parents had been informed of their son’s death and valor. Tina had been the one who made the call. Poor lass, she admitted to me just an hour ago that she was in love with him and wished she had told him before everything else happened. I felt her pain and knew what she was going through. It was the same with when Claire disappeared - to live with the tragedy and regret. It was, altogether, heartbreaking.

 

The only remaining threat out there was Geneva. There wasn’t any money in the world that could save her now and I am going to make sure she never set her foot outside in freedom ever again. Even though her father's influence was big, my determination was bigger. The thought of Claire and Ellen living with her, even though unharmed, flared the simmering anger in me. My judgement had been right and I will never question my gut feeling again

  


**11.25AM**

 

Claire snored loudly and I chuckled, some things never changed. I watched her again - she looked peaceful, beautiful and I thought about our _afterlife_ experience. Too many questions I knew I wouldn’t get answers to swirled in my mind. _Why were we given a choice to come back? Why did we have to go to our in-law’s garden instead of our parents? How did we find a way back?_

 

Despite all these, I was grateful to be alive and that Claire, amnesia or not, was safe and here with me. Knowing we would have eternity together after this life was a blessing. Claire remembered meeting me, my name, and our wedding vows. That was more than enough and the possibility of her remembering more was looking brighter.

 

A small knock on the door broke my thoughts and then it opened. The first thing I saw was a stroller before Ian walked inside.

 

“Welcome back” Ian said as he parked the stroller next to the window. I smiled.

 

“It’s good to see ye, Ian.” My voice still sounded strange but I was able to speak better than before.

 

“How are ye? I heard about yer night.” Ian said low.

 

“A few broken ribs but I’ll manage.” I answered but I could feel the tension between us. We were both still, uncomfortable and we hadn’t talked in months. “Where is Jenny?” It was the only logical question I could think of.

 

“Jenny is outside.” Ian answered and sat down on the chair next to my bed. “She will come in soon, she just needed to collect herself. Yer sister has been worried sick, me too. Dinna ever scare me - us - like that again, James.”

 

“I scared myself, too.” I admitted. “I’m sorry Ian. Truly.”

 

“Yeah, you better apologize - running around, getting stabbed, almost getting killed and _then_ , your dead wife calls, nearly giving me and yer sister a heart attack.” Ian said calmly and quietly but I knew, deep down, he was upset.

 

“I should have called.”

 

“Ye should have.” Ian said and paused. He looked like he was about to cry. “But I forgive ye. Just don’t die again. Yer sister canna handle anymore loss.”

 

“I promise to do my best.” My voice was shaking. I was getting emotional with having Ian here, one more familiar face I had missed. “And thank ye for taking care of everyone. Ellen was safer with ye.”

 

“Nothing to thank, man. We are family.”

 

And just like that we were us again. Best friends. _Brothers_.

 

“Can ye get the lass? I have missed her too much. She canna stay out there.” I asked. Ian nodded, smiling, as he walked over to the door. It was wide open and he didn’t even have to say anything, Jenny just walked into the room, staring at me. She must have been standing right outside, listening.

 

“Brother.” Jenny said harsh, not what I had expected but I understood why she was angry with me.

 

“Sister.” I answered softly. I looked at my big sister with pleading eyes, almost on the verge of breaking again. Tears burning behind my eyelids.

 

“Don’t look at me like that.” She said, still harsh but softer now. Her bottom lip shaking.

 

“Can’t we skip the part when ye are cross with me and just come here.” I asked. God how I have missed her.

 

Jenny didn’t argue and was fast to walk over to my side, she placed her hands on my cheeks, brushed away my tears and kissed my forehead.

 

“Dinna dare to leave me again, _little_ brother.” Jenny warned.

 

“I won’t.” I felt like a child and cried even harder. I felt Claire stirring next to me and I knew that she was awake now.

 

“Both of ye.” Jenny said and looked past me and Claire. “Neither of ye are allowed to die, ye hear me?”

 

“I swear.” Claire said low, with sleepy voice and  I smiled. My boss of a sister was nobody to forget a promise and that was a promise I wouldn’t try to break either.

 

“Well, I have cried more tears then I can count in these couple of days.” Jenny said and she looked at me again. “I’m taking ye home, when the doctor clears ye, we are _all_ , going home.”

 

“To Scotland.” I whispered. _Home._

 

“Aye, to Scotland.”

 

A wimping sound coming from the stroller and Ian was quick. He carefully lifted Ellen and I thought she looked bigger since I last saw her. Ian walked over to the left side of the bed to Claire and handed Ellen to her.

 

For the first time in my life, I was surrounded by my wife and daughter, my sister and best friend. _My family._ I looked them all one by one and the last one was at my daughter. Ellen's brown little hair had grown since I last saw her. She had one small curl hanging over her forehead and her blue eyes, matching my own, looked back at me. At this exact moment, I didn’t feel any pain anymore - only love. I reached out to touch her and her little fingers wrapped around one of mine.  

 

“We are going home, nighean.” I whispered softly and looked up at Claire. She placed her hand on top of mine and Ellen’s, she was crying and laughing at the same time.

 

The beautiful sound of her laughter made me think of the that single white rose in Claire/Katie’s dark garden, I hoped her parents were watching it grow.

 

**_Twenty four._ **

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CASE CLOSED. END OF PART 1. ❤️ Dinna dash, We have more cases to solve. Hope you liked it.
> 
> Let me her it, please comment ❤️
> 
>  
> 
> Edit*
> 
> Part II is posted - Case 407 ❤️


	21. Chapter 21

**[PART TWO ❤️](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16439090/chapters/38492408) **

_The story is not over. Follow the link_

**Author's Note:**

> If you like it , kudos or comments are appreciated ❤️


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